Driving me mad!! blaming ME for stuff HE'S said/done

[MilkNCereal]

So boyfriend and I have been planning a holiday for next year. It was originally supposed to be a week in Las Vegas and a week in Los Angeles but HE wanted to add New York to it as well. I agreed. Then he's all like "oh 3 different places, 2 different flights, this will be a nightmare" - but he was the one that wanted to do that, not me!
Anyway last night he sent me a link to a villa hire site. I replied and put "oh they look lovely, have you seen any you like the look of?" so he sent me a snotty message back saying we're going to have to compromise somewhere as the cost is spiralling out of control and I can't have it all!! he sent me the bloody link to look at and then has a go at me for liking what's on there???

He does this with other stuff too. He suggests something and then has a go at me for wanting to do it. WTF??

Well, it would be the make or break time.

As it stands he gets to be as inexplicit about his wishes as he feels and dumps the blame on MnC.
If she responds v firmly. He can be as inexplicit as he likes but has to expect a full on response which he won't like.
He will either change or he will want to leave. Either way problem sorted

I think this is something beyond my competence but, if he were a normal person, I would suggest adopting a calm, reasoned line and employing it every time he suggests something, e.g. 'That sounds lovely but experience says that it's a pleasant fantasy and you'll have forgotten about it tomorrow. When you've really thought it through and want to discuss this seriously, let me know'. Then he knows he's not able to manipulate you with his nonsense. He'll probably blame you for pissing on his dreams but you can play along quite amicably and say 'oh yes, that sounds lovely, one day (when I win the lottery) I'd love to go there / live there etc. anyway, why don't we think about what we can really afford, then sit down with some figures at he weekend?'.

Thing is, if he's really just playing with ideas, he won't mind you playing along and not taking it seriously. So 'yes, that would be great, of course I'd really want to go for the five star hotel, oh and we'd have to hire a yacht for a few days, don't you think?'. Harmless fantasy. Or even just a straightforward 'yes, I'd love to, I'd really like to go to the Maldives one day too, just so beautiful and you know, Croatia's meant to be really lovely?'. Normal discussion about dreams, tastes and ideas.

Don't you ever say, 'do you really mean that, or is it another of your flights of fancy?'. It sounds a bit as though you are unwilling to be straightforward with him and are tiptoeing around for no obvious reason.

Perhaps devil's advocate here but it sounds a bit as though you have difficulty being ordinarily assertive and operating as an equal in a partnership. You seem to be waiting for him to call the shots and hoping he'll come up with the proposals you're silently wishing for. Why don't you broach the subject of moving in, if that's something you want?

Tell me I'm wrong. I imagine I am but i do wonder if you could bring the underlying issue to a head more quickly by picking him up on oddness and challenging him. The 'do you want to dump me' thing is just playing for attention though. How about 'I hadn't considered it but if you keep playing the needy drama queen I might seriously start to think about it'.

I remember your post about a month ago when he was doing the stupid stuff about the estate agents.

Listen to everyone on here, it isn't going to get better, it'll get worse.

You deserve better than this. You owe it to yourself not to keep putting yourself through this crap.

Get rid, he's an idiot.

I agree with lottie that you should pick him up on his oddness. Point things out, bring it to a head. I think it's likely that he actually doesn't want any responsibility and wants you to take charge but rather than saying it he's blustering, leaving you confused and undermined. Whatever the motive behind his behaviour (abusive or childish) you are probably just not the right person for him. These patterns are not going to change and will drive you both crazy over time.

Don't go on holiday with him. You are setting yourself up for hurt, really warning you on this.

FFS he's a total arsehole. Even if he's the world's greatest shag it isn't worth it. Just bin him.