Driving me mad!! blaming ME for stuff HE'S said/done

[MilkNCereal]

So boyfriend and I have been planning a holiday for next year. It was originally supposed to be a week in Las Vegas and a week in Los Angeles but HE wanted to add New York to it as well. I agreed. Then he's all like "oh 3 different places, 2 different flights, this will be a nightmare" - but he was the one that wanted to do that, not me!
Anyway last night he sent me a link to a villa hire site. I replied and put "oh they look lovely, have you seen any you like the look of?" so he sent me a snotty message back saying we're going to have to compromise somewhere as the cost is spiralling out of control and I can't have it all!! he sent me the bloody link to look at and then has a go at me for liking what's on there???

He does this with other stuff too. He suggests something and then has a go at me for wanting to do it. WTF??

I agree, he's not a keeper. He fucks with your head and doesn't care - in fact, he enjoys it. Ultimately, he's just not kind and respectful and loving, and therefore it is impossible to have a healthy relationship with him.

LTB.

He is a headworking knobber of the highest order. At 41 he will never change. You should get out now before the gaslighting gets worse, which it probably will.

Please don't move in with him. Imagine this behaviour constantly and ramped up. You wouldn't be able to think straight and he'd have the power over you he clearly wants.

It is so scary to hear about partners who gas light to such a degree, their victims really end up questioning their sanity. A nice partner wouldn't put you through that.

I have a feeling you have posted at least twice before about this knob, yes?

Clearly you know his behaviour is fundamentally unpleasant; have you really thought through why you're still with him?

Are you familiar with the notion of 'intermittent reinforcement'? Essentially it explains why people often cling to a relationship that is nice some of the time, because they continually hope it will turn into a relationship that is nice all of the time. It never does.

outofthefog.net/CommonNonBehaviors/IntermittentReinforcement.html

Projection - An example of this behavior might be blaming another for self failure.

As in he has all these grand ideas then turns them round on you when he knows that they aren't achievable to save face.

You are suffering abuse

He is an abuser

He will get worse the longer you stay with him

There is no excuse for what he does

He just wants to control you

He enjoys making you feel bad so he looks good

He is unable to have a normal relationship as he has no empathy or compassion, he does not think anyone has feelings except him

I very rarely post on these sort of threads, because I have little or no experience to offer, and feel it is better left to those who are wiser than I am - but I am breaking that habit here.

MilkNCereal - if I were you, I would be running away from this man as fast as my little legs would carry me - his behaviour is truly scary. Maybe he genuinely does get carried away, and needs taking with a pinch of salt as he says - but what is so wrong is the fact that every time he does get 'carried away' and you follow up on whatever it was - following the link HE sent and liking some villas, or looking at houses because HE has asked you to do it, or whatever - HE THEN GIVES YOU A HARD TIME!

If he was genuinely getting carried away, and actually cared about you, then when you, for example, said you liked some of the villas, his response would be something like, "I know they are nice, but I shouldn't have suggested them, as they are probably beyond our budget - I am sorry I got your hopes up" - ie. accepting that he did get carried away and that you were not in the wrong for following up on it.

He is not a keeper, is he.

I think there are 2 or 3 things going on here.

1. and most importantly, he does not think things through. So what seems a good idea on Friday, once he has slept on it, and given a little thought to it, does not seem such a good idea on Saturday. He hasnt changed his mind, per se, he meant it at the time, and he is not trying to make you look a fool, it is just that his thoughts are not based on too much.

2.Does he forget what he says? Again, that is in part because his thoughts are only partial. 3.Does he deny he ever said such and such? See above. He really probably cannot genuinely remember. tbh, he is sounds much like my DH. One you get used to it[if that is your choice], you learn to not really act on a first or even second thought with something. My DH watches the same films over and over. Drives me nuts. But eventually I realised he does this because the film is nearly new to him every time he watches it.

Do you keep posting about this guy?

Amillionyears - it sounds like he is nasty to the OP on the back of whatever it is he said in haste - that's the truly horrible bit, and the fact that he keeps on repeating this behaviour does look deliberate to me.

So he says something about some future purchase/decision/holiday. You take that as an idea and carry it forward. You get the blame and he takes no responsibility for his bullshit.

You (justifiably) point out the contradiction. You then additionally get the blame for "taking him too seriously". He continues to take no responsibility for his bullshit.

What the actual fuck?

Whatever is broken in his head that makes him think this is acceptable behaviour, you need to seriously think about whether you want this kind of bullshit in your life or not. He's 41. He's not going to change. This isn't some mild little quirk that he can easily shake off. This is about him refusing to take responsibility for what he says and the choices he is making. That's not the behaviour of a grown-up.

Walk away, OP, walk away. Think of how many decent normal men there are out there that you can share your future with. Choose one of the nice ones.

He sounds monumentally annoying.

You've mentioned him being drunk a couple of times now OP, is it possible that he says things when drunk then forgets all about it? Does he have an issue with alcohol?

"The good times we have do outweigh this kind of stuff but it's so confusing and really messes with my head. "
That is the purpose of it.

Really, I would run for the hills from this wanker man.

Good God, dump him already! He's a complete tool, and at 41, that isn't going to change. He's acting the way he wants to act, and you hate it. As would any normal person. Dump him and stop wasting precious time!

You're describing my ex-partner in all but name. He even did the "you're going to dump me, aren't you" thing. The good times became less and less frequent and the blame/refusal to take responsibility got worse and worse. He even admitted he took out his resentment on me, and I knew full well that I hadn't done anything to deserve that. We had a week's holiday in Dorset, where I put him first and booked everything that he would like to do, and he rewarded me by sulking, giving me the silent treatment and acting like I'd forced him to go on holiday.

Is it Hissy who tells women in this situation that "when someone shows you who they are, believe them"? I remember finally finishing the relationship (we lived together, so it was difficult, and partly why I'd stuck it out for so long) and feeling nothing but sweet, sweet relief, partly tinged with sadness that he behaved like such a total arsehole when I'd done all I could to make him happy.

This is abuse. Not joking this is mentally abusive.

Have you talked to any ex-wives or partners? It might be an eye-opener for you, why they split up.

On our holiday of a lifetime, he stopped talking to me. I ended up being so lonely I talked to the gap year students next to me.

He treated my like sh*t the whole week. This was supposed to be our dream holiday.

When I confronted him when we got back, he said 'you did something that annoyed me at Heathrow'.

I was still 3 years away from the deeply disrespectful affair that would finally blow my eyes open to who he really is

Milk, I feel drained just imagining him. It's no way to have a relationship is it Whatever his reasons for behaving the way he does, you've discussed it with him, explained how you feel about it and nothing changes. IMO he's had his chance to stop being a twat and he hasn't.

Oh dump him before you waste any more time on him.

He knows what he's doing. If you challenge him he admits it. He's 41, it's not like it's the unbounded excitement and enthusiasm of youth.

If he were to say "I know I said you should look at houses, and I'm sorry, but I think I got a bit carried away" that would be one thing (and you'd get fed up with that soon enough); it's the turning it around and shoving the responsibility on to you, using it as a way to make it your fault. That's something else. Perfidious, dishonest, nasty.

Do you want to spend the whole of the rest of your life like that? Stick with him and you will.

Well if you are always reasonable and just tell him he has told you to do the thing he is whingeing about then it will not have an effect.

But if you snarl back and bite his bluddy head of with a cutting retort he will be a bit more cautious about bullshitting you.

So I would get a backbone and really appear angry, not ranting lost control angry, but effing furious, that response from anyone gives the receiver a start and usually leaves them at a loss for words becuase they are shocked, so if you could do that to him (as you are justified to,as he is being a tosser and you need to decide whether he is worth the effort and all the angst he causes you), then he might not risk winding you up as he does and think before he opens his mouth.

eg FFs dont EVER efffing waste my time again with your effing fantasy holiday ideas, If you want to do something tell me, if you don't shut the FUCk UP (using v angry and exasperated tone of voice)

Then there is an unpleasant consequence to his stupid behaviour and you feel much better but you need to be consistent and not just do it once.

OH and if you DO say
'FFs dont EVER efffing waste my time again with your effing fantasy holiday ideas, If you want to do something tell me, if you don't shut the FUCk UP' . Then end the conversation there.
DON'T follow up with 'I'm sorry if I seem harsh but you have blah blah blah...........'

DON"T follow up at all just leave it at that.

The technique is good, but it's one hell of a way to run a relationship, don't you think? Wouldn't it be less hard work to LTB and run auditions for a decent replacement?