Dh asked me to wait up

[Kingcyrolophosarus]

because he's not organised for a business trip tomorrow?!!
It's a day trip, not exactly sure how I can help?
He knows I'm feeling shit and had massive headache

I actually went to sleep with DS at 8, feel a bit better now

[Kingcyrolophosarus]

I get what you are saying about enabling him but what am I supposed to do?
In this instance there was a large amount of money at stake for us as a family
If this document hadn't have been on a certain desk there would have been massive financial implications, and we desperately need the money

He has never used the copier/scanner in our house so it was easier for me to do it
Yes, maybe there's an argument that he should know how to use it, but the way the division of labour is in our household, is these type of things are my job.
He works 80/90 hours a week, with international travel on top of that
Really all I do is make sure his shirts are dry cleaned and make his dinner.
Am I supposed to stop doing that stuff to teach him a lesson?
Or maybe I'm supposed to give him physical and emotional support

We have had relationship counselling, it was good simply because it made him realise how unreasonable he is

He has had personal counselling, most recently 5 sessions of cbt.
I don't think 5 sessions scratched the surface

He has been to the GP at my insistence(he knows it's necessary)
He has been given anti depressants, but again not scratching the surface, v low dose
He is going back next week to discuss increasing the dosage

I'm having counselling myself now

The suggestion that I am getting some sort of self esteem boost or payback is quite offensive, but I can see how it looks like that
I don't play games like that, consciously or otherwise
Yes, there's a certain satisfaction in saying "there, see how easy it is"
But it's not part of our relationship dynamic

It's really difficult to explain everything in detail on here

And please don't think that I am now defending him
I'm just addressing some questions

His behaviour is unacceptable, full stop.
There are some valid reasons for it, but a large part is down to his selfishness and generally being a cunt

The big question is where does support become enabling
How much is a wife supposed to do in the name of marriage?

I think I've done as much as can be expected, and this is the end of the line.
No more chances

[Kingcyrolophosarus]

Hilde- I said it's not part of our relationship dynamic
I sorted a problem for him, I dont do everything for him
I didn't wake him up do he wouldn't miss his flight

And what, I contrive these situations so I can feel good?!
Bollocks

I can and have raised all of these issues 'in a healthy way' over the last couple of days
He accepts everything I say, and will do everything I have asked

But I can't help him with how stressed he gets in the moment
When he's crying on the phone because he cant find a fax machine, what can I do?
I put the phone down on him

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

My first thought was "stop rescuing him..." but if your whole family's security is tied into his job at the moment then it is hard not to step in just to keep everything afloat.

My thoughts would be

1. Get the finances sorted so you can see how much of a cushion you have and how much you need.
   
   
2. Keep working on get a job yourself so there is an alternative source of income and additionally so he can't always expect you to be available to pick up the pieces.
   
   
3. When the family is less reliant on him a sole earner then see if you can get him to take his foot off the gas a bit because he sounds like he could be working himself into a nervous breakdown.
   
   
4. If he won't calm down out of choice then "stop rescuing him..."

[OnwardBound]

No, you don't contrive these situations but rather that something keeps you doing what you're doing...

Obviously you care about your DH and you want to help him, you also don't want him to lose his job or put the family in financial difficulty.

But what we are saying is that you may also need to look at the certain satisfaction you feel when you can show DH just how easy something is...
It may be a little piece of the puzzle that explains what also keeps you in this particular situation/dynamic?

But I accept what do we know, we are all just anonymous strangers on the internet and we don't know you or your personal circumstances.

But perhaps the feeling of satisfaction you could explore with your therapist instead?

[Kingcyrolophosarus]

Hilde- sorry for getting arsey, I'm very frustrated!

I think I'm objecting to the idea that he is this way because I do everything for him, or I am there to pick up the pieces

It's not that, there is way more to this situation that him relying on me.
Trust me, I am not getting a positive from doing the things that he can't do right now. I would much rather he was capable himself

I know what if feels like when you are faced with something that you just don't feel that you can cope with. That's where he is at now.

[KateByChristmas]

OP I really think your DH behaviour is out of order and obviously needs addressing, but some of the things you have mentioned i think could be down to stress, it's real and can be very destructive (I'm not condoning his behaviour, just saying this could be at the root?).

He seems to rely on you a lot, maybe he needs a PA? Like I say not sticking up for him but it just jumps out at me that he seems to have too much on his plate and its being taken out on you - so as family is a priority over work he needs to recognise this and make changes to ease the pressure on himself and then on turn hopefully the crappy way you are being treated.

I say find some calm time when you can both sit down - maybe away from the house like in a coffee shop where you can't shout at each other, and talk through the problems and find a solution.

Do you feel deep down appreciated by him?



Hope that makes sense

[KateByChristmas]

Just read your 11:12 post .... I really think he is suffering from stress and he needs to act on it - have an un MN hug

[pictish]

No. No - I'm not having that the OP contrives anything. She does not read like a co-dependent to me at ALL.

This has come about through habit and avoidance.

OP - I'm with you. This has got to stop. It's no good at all. He has behaved abysmally yet rather than being genuinely contrite, he turns it all around to focus on how sad he is, and how much he needs your help. I'm so glad you see through it. You are right.

And no - I'm not going to wag my finger at you stepping in there. It is evident from your tone that you see right through him and are unimpressed to say the least.
Your actions were because you are a practical, capable person who is compelled to avert disaster. You're not enabling him, but make sure it's the last time you ever have to step in. It's not your job.

It's amazing when you get that clarity. I've been there. You are right. Now - let him know the game is well and truly up.

[Kingcyrolophosarus]

no, onwardbound, sorry, that's not it.

I think this "feeling of satisfaction" has been blown out of proportion a bit.
It really doesn't happen that often!

I desperately want a husband that is capable. One of the things I was first attracted to was his strength and confidence.
I desperately want a husband that can have fun with his son
My role should not be to make him into this person, or to show him how easy it is for me. Or to take satisfaction from showing him I can do it.

I do agree that there are things that I need to look at with my counsellor.
And from one session, I think that's the way things will go.
There is definitely an unexplained reason/need for me to stay. I should have left a long time ago

Chazs- yes, I think that's the general plan
However, it's not going to change overnight, and I have to be able to get through the next few inevitable hiccups

thanks all for talking this through with me

[Kingcyrolophosarus]

few x-posts there

[Kingcyrolophosarus]

A PA would be a good plan, unfortunately there are other politics going on at work with head count

No, I don't feel appreciated Kate.
I have told him that. He tries. Actually he has taken that on board, and does try to do some stuff, but sighing and muttering when the bin bag is full and then taking it out, is not quite the same as taking it out without complaint.
Anyway, it's not the practical things, it's really that he doesn't consider me as much as I would like.
E.g, he forgets to ask how my migraine was, or forgets to ask how I got on at the doctors.
But then he is very occupied with work.

[TheDoctrineOfSnatch]

King I can see why you did what you did. I'm glad you are going to talk to counsellor and that he is going back to the GP. Has he been on ADs before this course?

[Kingcyrolophosarus]

This is first time for ADs.
He was so scared about taking them, that gp said he would give a really low dose, and I think it's a bit too low

[OnwardBound]

Please don't feel I was trying to get at you by saying what I said King. I really didn't mean it to sound as if I thought you were contriving or manipulating the situation.

Rather was just pointing out that we need to take an honest look at ourselves and our own feelings as well as our partner and try to understand our part in the relationship dilemma [I know, I've been there and worn the t-shirt!].

But I appreciate I overthought your comment about feeling satisfaction.

I wish you all the best King and I really do get how frustrating and upsetting all this is for you.

[ClippedPhoenix]

I'm no way condoning his behaviour but if I had to work 80 hours a week I'd probably be crying at the fax machine.

Is there no way he could cut back on hours? Change jobs?

Sounds like he's about to crack.

[Kingcyrolophosarus]

no worries, Onwardbound
I know there's something I'm missing wrt my own feelings and why I'm still here.
But maybe that's the whole thing, I should stop trying to understand it.

Clippedphoenix- a lot of the hours are because he is a perfectionist, some is the pressure of a bonus, some is because he has a new boss and has to prove himself. There are also thousands out there waiting to walk into his job.
A lot is pressure because he is the main earner, but we have discussed this over and over. We have financial problems because he has a huge tax bill, which obviously worries him. He is dealing with a lot, that's undeniable

I have been looking for a job for a long time

He needs to look for another job, but there is something to be said for "better the devil you know"

[ClippedPhoenix]

I don't understand OP to be honest.

You seem to be going round in circles and "better the devil you know" is obviously a main issue.

Why does he have such a huge tax bill?

[CinnabarRed]

Most employees don't have huge tax bills because the vast majority of their tax is accounted for via PAYE. (Sweeping generalisation and of course your DH might not be an employee at all, but a partner or a self-employed contractor, etc.)

His tax position may be more manageable than he thinks, depending on how the tax bill arose. (And I don't mean by entering into tax avoidance or anything like that. I mean by getting proper advice from a qualified tax adviser).

[Kingcyrolophosarus]

There's a lot to be said for being the expert on your desk rather than a new fish in a big pond, especially in a 'last in, first out' environment

He hadnt completed a self assessment tax return, tax code all wrong, paye all wrong.

[CinnabarRed]

Then HMRC may be at least partially to blame and willing to negotiate.

[CinnabarRed]

I do have some experience of this, BTW. I'm not just talking out of my arse!

[Kingcyrolophosarus]

He has an accountant sorting it out now

[OliviaMumsnet]

Hallo We are moving this thread to relationships
Thanks
MNHQ