Ex looked at child porn so I'm refusing access

[ClementineKelandra]

Ive been trying to write about this for weeks and quite frankly I'm terrified of what you are going to say to me.

I finally seperated from X earlier this year. I then found out that 6 years before I met him he was areasted, charged and cautioned for looking at images of child porn. He attended a 'rehabilitation' course for 2 years and had to sign the sex offenders register for 5 years.

I was and am still horrified and repulsed by the man I brought into my children's life. I'm beyond devestated.

I don't think he should have any access to the children but Ss are saying he can have 2 x 1.5 hour supervised contact with dd.

Please help me figure out what to do. I think I should refuse all access and let the bastard take me back to court. I am scared though, I feel like I don't know what I'm doing.

You are spot on izzyizin seeking good legal advice would be for me the first port of call. I do wish you all the best for a positive outcome to this horrid issue.

I did naively contact ss. They were involved with him and the dc he has with his first wife at the time he was arrested.

I honestly, truly thought they would help me. They are truly shit tbh. Most communications have been via letters.

I also phoned women's aid who have been truly brilliant. The women who man those lines are amazing.

There are other issues too. He was abusive to me but I haven't done anything about it but now I'm wondering if I should go to the police just to try and get him out of the picture.

This is all going to go to court I know.

Sorry this is all so disjointed. I have so many thoughts going around my head.

From bitter personal experience, SS ARE shit in scenarios like this, especially when the father is persitent and 'charming'. Your best 'protection' for your children comes in the form of an experienced and effective solicitor - ask for personal recommendations for family law solicitors who work with victims of DV.

Absolutely report the DV against you, it will help build up a clearer picture of 'him'.

Good solicitor pronto.

Was he charged or was he cautioned?? It's either one or the other??

the problem is "using" the police in this way wont help with the civil matters - any reports of DV now will look as if you are using it as leverage and tit for tat - i have every sympathy with you OP and i would also not want this man anywhere near my kids, but dont set any store on reporting domestic abuse now to be used in a civil case, the police are only interested in criminal matters and if its historical unless you are wanting to try and prosecute now (difficult with no evidence) it wont go anywhere. sorry to bear bad news.

i agree that you need good solid legal advice now. legal and criminal are not the same thing.

get thee to a solicitor.

If I was forced to give him access to my children, I would move to Northern Ireland.

agree you need to seek clarity on exactly what police action was - i find it difficult to believe he was cautioned for child porn - im a police officer btw.

where did you get your information on what he did?

What are the rules in NI, Colditz?

Agree with Vicar, seems odd to be charged and THEN cautioned for child porn...

i think the law is the same Bella (i'm in NI) but it would just mean colditz and dcs were no longer living in england/scotland/wales and contact wouldn't be possible.

I don't know, but it is as far away as I can get whilst not legally leaving the uk.

Basically, I'd make it as difficult as humanly possible for him to see them. I'd move around, I'd make my children unavailable, and if he took me to court, I'd go to the papers and make it known that he'd been on the sex offenders register for child porn etc. I'd make his life a living hell until he fucked off.

i totally agree with youcolditz. i would disappear.

The information I have is from him and stuff his ex told me. They contradict each other.
I believe that my area is carrying out a pilot for 'Sarah's law' where basically I can apply to the police for information about him. I may be wrong on this. Which is why I obviously need to get legal advice ASAP.

What I know is that he was arrested at his home early one morning as part of a bigger operation but the name escapes me. It was about 9ish years ago.
They took his computer and found 26 images (feel sick writing this ) his ex told me he was cautioned, had to sign the register for 5 years and had to attend a rehabilitation programme for 2 years.
All this may well be wrong. Ss will tell me very little! I am going to phone the police tomorrow and find a better solicitor. I have been looking around and their is a female solicitor not far from me who does a lot if work with WA.

I think that's what I'm going to have to do colditz. I will not move because I don't think I should have to uproot my dc but I am going to make life very difficult. He has picked on the wrong person this time. Honestly, I won actually kill him rather than let him hurt my children.

I'm scared of ss because I have suffered with bad depression over the last few years although Im much better now and stronger too. I know it's a matter of time before he starts using this against me.

Vicar, what department would I phone in the police to find out about him? If I pm you the town I'm in is there any chance wether you would know if the police will disclose any information about him to me?

ok.
number 1 - being arrested is not the same as being charged - anyone - and i mean anyone - can be arrested on suspicion of a crime - it does not mean that the person is guilty.

number 2 - i dont believe that he would be cautioned for child sex offences. it seems too lenient - im sure that we are bound by rules on this stuff and i cannot see how he would ever have had a caution for indecent images on his computer....it doesnt ring true. It is doubtful you will ever be told by any third party - data protection prevents disclosure of such information. Have you actually asked him what happened? (i realise he has no incentive to tell you the truth)

i think you have to be very wary of information passed in this way - it could be malicious, or it could be true, but i would be seeking legal advice on the position - fwiw many of our sex offenders have conditions placed upon them - i think you need to be careful here and establish the facts where possible.

pm me op....ill try and answer your Qs.

I did ask him and it's hard to tell what is the truth. I suspect he maybe wasn't cautioned then. He has probebly lied to his ex wife too. He must have been charged! I swear the man is a compulsive liar. He even lies about little day to day stuff that doesnt matter . I'm definately phoning the police tomorrow and solicitor.

Will pm you vicar.

surely if he had to sign the SOR for 5 years then he was charged and it went to court? the police cant just make him sign the register. he has to be found guilty for that.

I suspect you're right Booy. This is why I'm going to contact the police. I need to know the truth about it all.

yes i think that's the best plan. find out as much as you can. forewarned is forearmed.

be prepared for data protection tying hands in relation to what is disclosable though.

The reason that SS are recommending supervised contact is because they believe that it is damaging to children not to know where they come from - this has been shown in psychological studies and the point of contact is for the child's right to know their background and to have a relationship with both their biological parents, regardless of what he has done.

The general principle in all cases of separation is to always allow contact unless the damage resulting from contact is worse than the emotional/psychological damage caused by the child not knowing their roots. SS (and probably Cafcass) will argue that any dangers will be limited in a supervised environment. It's very rare for biological fathers not to get contact at all if it went to court - though you could refuse to comply.

If he has parental responsibility he could take out a prohibited steps order to prevent you from moving away.

Something doesn't add up here. (Not saying you're lying, OP, just that the facts as you've outlined them are extremely odd and I think you must have at least a few of them wrong.)

If he signed the SOR then I think he must have been convicted of a crime. That case should be a matter of public record.

If he wasn't convicted then it's a different situation.

Why are your older DCs being forced to have contact if he's not their father.

SS can't dictate terms for contact. Courts can. And courts can force disclosure of factual information from parents.

You really need a good solicitor to start unravelling all of this.

you need to take your older kids to the drs and ask for them to go cahms as the chances are he will have done something with them.