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Original poster

Childless friends visiting - should they feel obliged to play with your children? (Or: Am I being unreasonable?)

45 replies

emkana · 31/03/2006 20:04

I had friends staying with us for three days. I had been hoping that they would spend a bit of time entertaining the children, because
a/ the children love the attention
b/ I could do with a break

But my friends didn't seem to see the need - they seemed to feel that they were here to see me (and dh) and to enjoy themselves (they are from Germany, so it's a bit of a holiday for them to come to the UK)

Am I expecting too much?

OP posts:
hana · 31/03/2006 20:07

do you mean you'd leave your friends with the kids and get out the house ?
think you are expecting too much
why not do something with kids during day and an nice adults evening?

LadySherlockofLGJ · 31/03/2006 20:07

Oh God yes, never did other peoples children, before I had my own DS.

Five minutes niceities and that was it, glass of wine and the papers, thank you very much. Grin

harpsichordcarrier · 31/03/2006 20:08

hmmmm, trick one. how old are your children? do these people have any experience with children? I mean, would they even know what to do with them IYSWIM?
I must admit to feeling very guilty since having my own children that I didn't find more time to entertain my nieces and nephews. I did spend time with them, but I think now I should have bathed them, say, or taken them out more often. I don't think it occurs to you when you're childless how much a break is appreciated.

Original poster
emkana · 31/03/2006 20:08

No I didn't expect them to babysit while I went out, just to give the children some attention while I sat and watched so to speak.

OP posts:
Original poster
emkana · 31/03/2006 20:09

They're four and two and a half.

I was thinking along the lines of doing a puzzle with them or playing a boardgame, nothing too exhausting.

OP posts:
harpsichordcarrier · 31/03/2006 20:09

oh I see
then that would have been quite rude, not to spend any time with them.

Feistybird · 31/03/2006 20:10

Agree with the Lady.

SoupDragon · 31/03/2006 20:11

Sorry, I think you're expecting too much :) I wouldn't expect that of friends with children let alone those without. It would be nice but I wouldn't expect it.

Original poster
emkana · 31/03/2006 20:13

Oh all right then.

I guess in light of my recent rather troublesome times I was hoping for some TLC, but then again I should have come out and said it, shouldn't I?

OP posts:
Bugsy2 · 31/03/2006 20:15

You are expecting way too much emkana! I still don't do other people's children unless I absolutely have to. Before I had my own, I wouldn't have had the vagueist idea how to play with a 4 & 2 yr old. I'm a horrible old witch though!

Bugsy2 · 31/03/2006 20:17

Perhaps you should ask them to play with the children. If you haven't made it clear that you'd like that, perhaps they are trying to focus on you.
Even though I'm a witch, if someone asked me to play with their children I'd do it!

fennel · 31/03/2006 20:18

i don't expect childless friends to play with my children. but the ones that do get invited back most often and most enthusiastically. can understand the ones who just want to chill out adult style but frankly, these days, they can go and do that somewhere else, it's too much effort trying to mix caring for small children with trying to pretent to adult friends that the children don't actually exist.

thewomanwhothoughtshewasahat · 31/03/2006 20:18

thinking back to how utterly clueless I was pre children they possibly need a prod - they'll have absolutely no idea how tiring it all is. You'd be hard pressed to offend if you said something like "ds would love it if you read him his bed-time story" or "dd why don;t you show friend your new jigsaw puzzle". or "would you mind terribly watching them in the bath while I do a few jobs/get dinner started" I don;t think you can substitute that for "while i sit and do nothing" though.

alittlebitshy · 31/03/2006 20:19

I dunno.... I do sort of expect friends (who stay, though sometimes day visitors who come when dd is up) to have an interest. They are no longer seeing us as a couple, but as a family (we can perfectly well see them in an eve - here or out if it is to be adult only).

I am not syaing I am a robot who has no interests but her child, but if they visit our home when we are there as a family, yes i do expect them at least to engage in a conversation, or play in some small way.

clearly in the minoity though (and it many mways this is an issue for me cos MY fiends haven't really had children yet - i was fairly young.. 23 when had dd)so if they come for lunch it is relevent.

bossykate · 31/03/2006 20:29

emkana

agree with bugsy,fennel and twwtswah...

sorry, it would have beem fantastic if your friends had steped up... but childless people have no clue!

especially liked bugsy's comment - i don't do other people's children unless i have to - yup me too.

i know you have been having a rough time recently - sorry your friends haven't come through.

Miaou · 31/03/2006 20:47

Aw emkana, I really feel for you, as you do need a break...

But I have to say that nice as it would be, your childless friends are very unlikely to have a clue! I think back now to what I was like pre-kids and I was totally useless - it would never have occurred to me that parents might appreciate a break.

(and as the parent of an 8 yr old, 7 yr old and 8 month old, I can honestly say that I wouldn't have a clue what to do with a 4 or 2 year old ... I can't remember Blush and I've had plenty of practice too!!)

You get the odd "gem" who knows just what to do with kids and chooses to be with them (my SIL is one), but the vast majority of us operate in blissful ignorance of the reality of 24/7 kids.

(If I was nearby I would come and give you a break Smile)

Original poster
emkana · 31/03/2006 20:51

Thank you Smile

OP posts:
beartime · 31/03/2006 21:03

agree with thewoman - you may need to explain and give some ideas - as I would never have known what to do to play with other people's children before I had any.

NotActuallyAMum · 31/03/2006 21:29

I can see both sides here, I certainly don't think they should just feel they are there to see you and your DH - you're a family now, not a couple, and they should be happy to visit all of you

I do, I'm afraid, think it's a bit unfair of you to actually expect them to help - especially, as you say, it's a kind of holiday for them

As the children get older you'll probably find that they will ask them to read them a story/play a game with them etc. - then you'll soon see by their reaction whether they want to or not Grin

Feistybird · 31/03/2006 21:38

Sorry emkana, if your mates know you've been though a rough time recently (which I didn't), then yes, you'd expect them to give you some respite with the kids.

moondog · 31/03/2006 21:39

Emkana,were they staying with you (overnight)?
If you were rushing around making up beds,cooking dinner for them,filling glasses and so on then yes,they bloody well should.Not for hours on end but a chat,read a story or do a puzzle deffo.
Angry

Pruni · 31/03/2006 21:42

Before I had kids, I had NO idea of how much it would have been appreciated. In fact, I had the vague idea that they might prefer me not to play with their children in case I did it wrong. Blush

expatinscotland · 31/03/2006 21:43

NO. i didn't visit friends w/children when i was childfree precisely for that reason. i'm not a babysitter.

expatinscotland · 31/03/2006 21:44

what i would have done instead is all the housework. i've always been good at that!

nutcracker · 31/03/2006 21:44

I wouldn't expect that from friends tbh.