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Original poster

Childless friends visiting - should they feel obliged to play with your children? (Or: Am I being unreasonable?)

45 replies

emkana · 31/03/2006 20:04

I had friends staying with us for three days. I had been hoping that they would spend a bit of time entertaining the children, because
a/ the children love the attention
b/ I could do with a break

But my friends didn't seem to see the need - they seemed to feel that they were here to see me (and dh) and to enjoy themselves (they are from Germany, so it's a bit of a holiday for them to come to the UK)

Am I expecting too much?

OP posts:

Original poster

emkana · 31/03/2006 21:50

Oh just remembered as well - friend is supposed to be dd2's godmother as well!

OP posts:

moondog · 31/03/2006 21:50

Em..were they staying the night??

Original poster

emkana · 31/03/2006 21:52

Yes they stayed for three nights.

To be fair to them they did cook the dinner one night. I would have preferred to cook myself and have them play with the children instead. Did say to them that I would be happy to help with the cooking while one of them could go and play with the dd's, but they said no to that.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 31/03/2006 21:52

they may not like children, em. that may be why they had none. but i'd have stayed in a hotel had i been them . . .

Original poster

emkana · 31/03/2006 21:53

Well I hope they do like children as they are expecting their first.

OP posts:

moondog · 31/03/2006 21:54

Don't bloody invite 'em again.
Someone staying for three nights involves a lot of effort.

expatinscotland · 31/03/2006 21:54

true, moon. even if you'd invited me, i'd have booked a hotel.

expatinscotland · 31/03/2006 21:56

oh, dear, em. they are in for a shock.

Miaou · 31/03/2006 21:56

tbh I would echo pruni's comments about getting it "wrong". Depends what kind of people they are really - I would have been scared of playing with other people's kids when I didn't have any knowledge of children (before I had them). Even now, three kids later, I feel a little uneasy interacting with my friends' children if they are in the vicinity - which is all to do with my own insecurities.

harpsichordcarrier · 31/03/2006 21:58

I agree with moondog
I think it is rude when visitors don't at least pretend to take an interest in dds.
it's not rocket science to do a fricking jigsaw after all.
I might have said something like " Oh I think [X] would like to do some colouring with you/take you to the park/play kerplunk"
and having read your other thread I think a friend should have stepped in to give you a break.
sending love
HC xx

moondog · 31/03/2006 21:59

I would treat you like a queen expat (my inner Martha again) should you come.
I like entertaining very much.
All I would ask is that people are thoughtful,bring a bottle or two of wine and are value for money ,which means that every memeber of my household gets some attention.

My favourite person to have to stay is a Welsh speaking single teetotal Breton friend.
He loves hanging out with the children (learns lots more Welsh that way) and as he never has a hangover,gets up very early and does lots of charging about with them while we recover from our hangovers.
He comes for a week every summer and never gets on my tits.

harpsichordcarrier · 31/03/2006 22:01

yes, like moondog I hang around with lovely childless people who adore dd1
who, in fact, book up time with her in advance
it rocks

expatinscotland · 31/03/2006 22:03

i love entertaining, too, but i hate to impose on peeps, in case they don't like entertaining and only invited me out of politeness.

expatinscotland · 31/03/2006 22:06

my dad always drilled it into our heads that as guests, we should leave a place in better condition than we found it.

from our mum we learned to NEVER turn up empty-handed. that woman's life is one big social event and she's damn good at it. she has a supply of vases around - she's taken loads of floral arranging classes - in case she needs a quick gift she can go snip some flowers from the garden and pop them in a vase.

she's the sort that buys extra small gifts for the Xmas season - 'just in case' - and ends up using them all up.

moondog · 31/03/2006 22:08

Hmmm.I'm like youn actually expat.
I like doing my own thing.
Can't say my friends feel the same.
Maybe I am too good a hostess??

I don't expect people to adore my children (God it used to irritate me when my friends gave me things like framed phots of their kids and got them on the phone to talk with me....gaaah!!!) but i do expect them to be civil and thoughtful.

If they are really great like my Breton,that is an added bonus!

puff · 31/03/2006 22:15

My childless friend is coming to look after my kid for 2 days while me and dh swan off for the weekend

I'd expect guests to "muck in", that includes playing with my yukky kids a bit - if they "don't do kids" then they can find themselves somewhere else to stay.

spidermama · 31/03/2006 22:17

I find it really hard because friends take your energy away from your kids too, so IME the kids become even more demanding than ever. I think friends should muck in, and it's up to you as hostess to let them know how. ie either they play with the kids for a bit to allow you to prepare food, or they prepare food or help out in some other way. Otherwise you're spread too thin. People with no kids don't understand that the home is a work environment for you.

I have some gay friends who are not in the slightest bit interested in kids to the point of rudeness. I used to have loads of gay friends (fag hag) but I see them less and less because our interests have diverged.

edam · 31/03/2006 22:49

It'd be rude if they just blanked your kids. But if you want them to do something specific, you have to tell them, since they aren't members of that rare and in-demand breed who just like kids and naturally fall into playing with them.

I talk to my friend's kids. Read them stories. Admire whatever they are doing. Pick stuff up when it gets knocked over. And that's about it, really.

(Actually when I visited one MNer, I managed to knock a glass of wine all over her gorgeous dd1... but I try not to make a habit of it!)

nooka · 31/03/2006 23:48

My kchildren usually leap on anyone who comes through the door, and expect them to be their new best friends! I think that some people are very uncertain about how to interact with small children, so I think that you have to give them lots of positive encouragement. However I would have thought that by day three they might have worked out what to do!

threebob · 01/04/2006 01:20

I never spontaneously entertained other people's children before having ds:

I wouldn't know what to do with them.
I would have been scared of looking bossy and taking over.

Having said that I wouldn't ignore them either - if they brought me a book, I would pull them on my knee and read it to them. If they were doing a jigsaw I would ask them questions about it. If they were wanting to play cards or dominos I would cheat so they could win.

I have to remind myself that SIL would like time alone with Bob as she is his Auntie.

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