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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

No good can come of this

47 replies

twentyyearsago · 05/11/2012 13:27

Not really posted on here before-please help me get a grip!

I've been married for 12 years with 3 primary age dc. Work part time although currently not working waiting for new job to come together. Hence too much time on my hands despite long list of preparation for new job required.

Back in the summer I looked up an old old ex and emailed him. Not really proper ex-we met in first term at University 20 years ago. I had bf at home and carried on with this ex behind bf's back. Ex wanted me to finish with bf but I didn't, despite declarations of (19 yr old) love. Eventually after further 3 years with BF that relationship ran its course. Continued to "see" (ie occasionally shag) ex throughout all this and afterwards, but never as a proper "relationship". We went our seperate ways after Uni and hadn't seen or heard of him for 17 years. Often wondered about him though, in a wistful way from time to time. Guess other exs pre-dh were proper long term relationships which were done to death and resolved!

He replied to initial email in chatty friendly way- I was pleased to hear from him. Then increasingly curious. He remembered a few things about "us"-last time we had met was my father's funeral :-(

About a month ago I got all my old diaries out from that period in my life and reading them reminded me of what a cow I was to him. I suggested meeting up when we are due to be in the same city later this month and since then keep stewing over him-just can't work out why. If I see an email from him in my inbox I feel sick and excited. In total have only exchanged about 5 emails each though!

I just feel so preoccupied and unsettled-keep mulling over meeting him. DH doesn't know we've been in touch.

Just need to snap out of it I know. Last emailed him a week ago and not heard back since.

OP posts:
mutny · 05/11/2012 13:33

Last emailed him a week ago and not heard back since.

Maybe the decision has been taken out of your hands.

Seriously how would you feel if your dh arranged to meet a previous fuck buddy behind your back and didn't even tell you they were in touch.

I think you intended to meet up all along, why else would you have kept the initial email from your dh?

I think what you are doing is very hurtful and underhand and will end up hurting your dh (maybe do irreparable damage to the marriage) and your children.

I don't want to sound really horrible, but i think you need to be told straight rather than tip toeing round. you need to grow up.

AlexanderS · 05/11/2012 13:35

Thread title says it all.

OneMoreGo · 05/11/2012 13:42

You've created this out of nothing. yeah, he happened to reply initially - but you have engineered the situation all by yourself. The question I'd be asking myself in your shoes is 'why'. Why did I do that?

Dahlen · 05/11/2012 13:44

By the sounds of it, you need to have a long, hard think about whether monogamy is really your thing. Because it doesn't sound like it is. Which is fine, it's not for everyone, but if it is for your H, then you owe it to him either to work on your own easy ability to be tempted, or finish your marriage now before you cheat on him and cause him devastation.

fluffyraggies · 05/11/2012 13:45

Oh OP you know very well what you're doing.

Come on - be honest with yourself.

It's an old cliche but it's so true - if you're doing something you won't show your DH then the chances are you shouldn't be doing it.

How is your relationship with your DH?

Original poster
twentyyearsago · 05/11/2012 13:48

Thank you for replying do honestly-I need to hear this.

As for why-I was initially just mildly curious -since we have exchanged emails that's got worse. Just need to get over that.

OP posts:
Original poster
twentyyearsago · 05/11/2012 13:59

I've never been tempted in the 15 years dh and I have been together. Our relationship has always been good despite various challenges and stresses.

Can't honestly see anything happening if we met up but would involve deceiving dh which isn't fair.

OP posts:
VoiceofUnreason · 05/11/2012 14:00

So, 20 years ago you cheated on your then boyfriend and now you're putting yourself in the position of contacting an old fuck buddy behind your DH's back?

Does your DH know you used to cheat on previous partners?

Not quite sure why you need us to help you get a grip. Read back what you've posted and see if you think you come across well.

bumhead · 05/11/2012 14:00

So let me get this straight...you cheated on your boyfriend all the way through Uni and beyond with this guy, treated them both like shit by your own admission, now you're about to try and do the same to your DH of 12 years and you're stressing because fuck buddy hasn't replied to your last email?

You really are a piece of work aren't you?
Show your husband your message above and set the poor fucker free before you cheat on him.

OneMoreGo · 05/11/2012 14:05

I think you are not being straight with yourself. Mildly curious makes people LOOK UP heir exes - I do it all the time Grin although I am single and would feel weird doing so if I was with someone and would be asking myself what the attraction was in doing that. What's done is done, after all. It's better to focus on the present not moo on about the past.

But you didn't look him up, you contacted him, and then after doing so you re-read your old diaries to whip up emotion in yourself. You need to ask yourself WHY and keep asking that. Be brutally honest with yourself if not with us.
I think you would benefit strongly from some counselling for yourself.

Schlock · 05/11/2012 14:06

I think you're falling for a fantasy and you definitely need to look at your marriage to see why you're doing this. I was in a similar situation a few years back - an old flame contacted me and although I never saw him in person I fell quite badly for it all, it was actually really painful. I reckon if I'd actually seen him in person it would have brought it all down to earth for me because I was totally in love with a fantasy.

Try to remember why it didn't work out with him in the end and focus on that. It could be that if you do meet up with him you'll find out that there's no chemistry anyway and you'll end up feeling more than a little bit silly!

Then concentrate on figuring out how to fix your marriage because something must be missing there if you're looking elsewhere.

Dahlen · 05/11/2012 14:09

Do you think that maybe your X is 'the one' and that maybe the reason you've only been tempted to cheat with him is because he's special in some way?

That's a scenario that has played out countless times the world over. Rarely does it work out. Most people find the X of their youth is very different to the person today and the whole thing is a huge disappointment. Though this often isn't discovered until marriages have been ruined and lives altered.

Schlock · 05/11/2012 14:11

Yes, I agree with Dahlen - he's probably put on a good few pounds, balding and has smelly feet. He's not the 19yr old he once was and if he's married too then he's not a prize worth having if he's considering starting something up with you, although seeing as how he hasn't emailed for a week I'd say that all the running is coming from your end.

ClippedPhoenix · 05/11/2012 14:13

Too much time on your hands huh OP. Boredom set in a bit after 15 years?

Time to fan your marriage up a bit don't you think?

BethFairbright · 05/11/2012 14:14

Bollocks that nothing would happen if you met up. If he was up for it, you would be too so stop kidding yourself. That's what you're trying to get him to do by suggesting meeting up.

With any luck he's married to a more trustworthy woman and hasn't replied to you because he really doesn't want to go there again and doesn't want an affair.

VBisme · 05/11/2012 14:15

It's a very stupid idea, please don't meet up with this guy, and tell your husband what you've done. That should remove your rose tinted glasses fairly quickly.

AnyFucker · 05/11/2012 14:18

There's no fool like a rose-tinted, head-in-the-sand fool....

Original poster
twentyyearsago · 05/11/2012 14:21

Thanks.

Schlok-thanks for talking about your experience. I definitely feel there's a huge fantasy element going on. I'm sure the reality would be very different and a major reality check. He's not the "one" because if he had been then things would have been different. He is not married or partnered from what he has told me.

Definitely need to focus on things closer to home.

OP posts:
uneasyandconcerned · 05/11/2012 14:26

OP just a word of warning - not that you really need it by the sounds of things. A similar thing happened to my wife recently expect that for her contact was reestablished by chance, not design. Fortunately she told me about the contact with the old flame. We talked. She met up with him with my knowledge. I believe it is now behind us in the sense that she has stopped regular contact with him and I accept that she is not looking for a relationship/sex with him. BUT - it has had a big effect on me and how I feel about our relationship. Nothing actually happened between them but the perceived threat to 'us' and to the family as a whole has caused me to question whether I can really trust what she says to me, and whether she really is as happy being married to me as I had previously thought (and she had said). I find it hard to be light-hearted and relaxed with her at the moment. We have lost something between us, but I hope not for ever. If all of this sounds like an over-reaction on my part in our circumstances, please just stop for a moment and consider how it might make your husband feel if he found out about what you've been up to - at your instigation. Do you really want to hurt him that much? Or do you just not care?

BethFairbright · 05/11/2012 14:31

I disagree there must be something missing in your marriage OP.

I think there's something missing in you that you like having these kinds of dramas involving secrecy and deceit and prefer reading old diaries about what a femme fatale you were, to preparing for a job in the adult world.

AnyFucker · 05/11/2012 14:32

spot on, Beth

doctordwt · 05/11/2012 14:43

'Once a cheat, always a cheat'

'Leopards don't change their spots'

Would you say that those two little sayings summed up the kind of person you are, OP?

They aren't very nice sayings, so I imagine you'd like to say that they didn't.

Original poster
twentyyearsago · 05/11/2012 14:50

Actually I was proud of my faithfulness for the last 15 years with dh. I had left those few years of cheating behind me. My dh knows the whole sorry saga of the University years.

I do think there is something in me that is harking back to that time - when actually it was very miserable for a lot of the time.

OP posts:
Brodicea · 05/11/2012 14:51

I agree with totally with Beth, this might be more about you - maybe you miss that time in your life when you could make mistakes without major repercussions, maybe you feel like you want to make amends for something and are using this past heartbreaking as a decoy, maybe you even miss your father (a time when he was still alive). Also, think about why you have come here - you seem to welcome the berating, maybe you want to be punished? Maybe you want to do something wrong or secret in order to fall into an old, comfortable role. Now it isn't likely you will actually meet, you confess your intentions on here (a place where many people have been hurt by infidelity) and take the flack with open arms...
You'll have to do some soul searching and see.

JuliaScurr · 05/11/2012 14:52

It could be relevant that you last saw him at your father's funeral