No good can come of this

[twentyyearsago]

Not really posted on here before-please help me get a grip!

I've been married for 12 years with 3 primary age dc. Work part time although currently not working waiting for new job to come together. Hence too much time on my hands despite long list of preparation for new job required.

Back in the summer I looked up an old old ex and emailed him. Not really proper ex-we met in first term at University 20 years ago. I had bf at home and carried on with this ex behind bf's back. Ex wanted me to finish with bf but I didn't, despite declarations of (19 yr old) love. Eventually after further 3 years with BF that relationship ran its course. Continued to "see" (ie occasionally shag) ex throughout all this and afterwards, but never as a proper "relationship". We went our seperate ways after Uni and hadn't seen or heard of him for 17 years. Often wondered about him though, in a wistful way from time to time. Guess other exs pre-dh were proper long term relationships which were done to death and resolved!

He replied to initial email in chatty friendly way- I was pleased to hear from him. Then increasingly curious. He remembered a few things about "us"-last time we had met was my father's funeral :-(

About a month ago I got all my old diaries out from that period in my life and reading them reminded me of what a cow I was to him. I suggested meeting up when we are due to be in the same city later this month and since then keep stewing over him-just can't work out why. If I see an email from him in my inbox I feel sick and excited. In total have only exchanged about 5 emails each though!

I just feel so preoccupied and unsettled-keep mulling over meeting him. DH doesn't know we've been in touch.

Just need to snap out of it I know. Last emailed him a week ago and not heard back since.

Thank you uneasy for your post. Sobering reading.

So, if he doesn't answer the email from last week will you let it lie OP?

No good will come of this, let it go and focus on your marriage!

Making amends-definitely. I behaved very badly towards this guy-but that's miniscule compared with how much I could/have hurt dh by keeping this from him.

His first reply to my initial contact was full of details about my Dad's service-it blew me away that he would remember that sort of stuff...

Do feel like I need a virtual slap across the face.

Fluffy-yes I think so. Need to get my head sorted in case he emails again. last time I got a message during lovely lunch with dh after a 10 day gap.

I have sympathy OP. With modern technology it's so easy to act on a whim and look up an old flame, or look at a dating site or whatever.

Are you happy in your life?

Am I the only person on here for whom the thought of a meet up with any of my old flames leaves me shuddering with dread rather than anticipation?

Never had interest in looking up any of the others-although original bf and I on good terms and communicate every so often.
I am very happy most of the time- wonderful dcs after many years of IVF etc and a brilliant husband. But not working atm is driving me a bit crazy.

FIrstly, I think this bloke has backed off, either because he's a monogamist and therefore not up for an affair, or he's just not that interested in reviving the past in any way. So forget about him. Ther's no need to 'confess' to your H, either, because a few emails is not a big deal.

However, it might be worth thinking through what you want out of life and whether your H is going to be part of it. As someone upthread said, you did seem to be almost welcoming a kicking for being such a Bad Woman when you started this thread.
Monogamy is neither natural nor compulsory: it's a social construct that many people make their peace with (and a few fetishize to the extent that it's impossible for them to live happily any other way). SOme people find it doesn't suit them, but unfortunately, society has promoted monogamy as the Ideal (mainly because it allows men to own a woman each for domestic work and childrearing, that's what the design was for.) which means that those who don't get on well with it can struggle and make themselves and other people unhappy.

If, when you've though it all through and decided that you no longer want to be in your marriage, end it as kindly and fairly as you can. If you decide that you do want to stay, make sure you accept that you need to remain monogamous at least until/unless you later decide you want to leave.

Best ofl uck.

I've noticed a tendency in people to look to either jobs or romance to fill a gap in their lives, and it's not that unusual that you're looking to the one while the other isn't working out. IMO though it is always a mistake to let romance fill a gap that you're not getting filled through something else. It becomes terribly messy and can often prevent you from achieving other goals.

You're human. You're allowed errors of judgement and mistakes. But you'd be requesting a meet up with this man with full knowledge of where it could go, so you can't claim to have become carried away or to say you never intended it to lead to an affair, etc. By requesting a meeting, you will be making the choice to be unfaithful already. It really is that simple.

In your position, I would channel my energies into finding another job, or if it really is that imminent, finding a new non-romantic/sexual hobby or interest to renew my sense of pride in myself and my achievements.

Admit it op. You have posted here to carry on the drama. You have spent alot of time thinking about this and fantasizing about where it would go and how exciting it would be.
But now ur has replied, the shine has worn off and you ate looking to bring it back. So you post here where you can be the centre of the drama. People telling you their heart breaking stories, begging you not to be so stupid, calling you names.

Its the drama you want not help. You know what you are doing could destroy your marriage and your kids. But the excitement is worth it for you.

Can't honestly see anything happening if we met up - yeah, right.

Don't you know this is how all affairs start?

You are in the first stages of an affair. What are you doing?

Burst the secrecy bubble and tell your H. 'What is cheating? If you wouldn't do or say it in front of your spouse, it's cheating' - Dr Phil.

I don't agree with telling the H until the OP has decided what to do. Why make him miserable for no reason, if she makes the choice to stay with him and forget the other bloke - it's gone no further than a couple of emails FFS.

Goodness i wouldn't advise telling him either. Not now, or yet, or even ever possibly.

One thing at a time!

I really am not looking for drama-I feel exhausted with it all. And I'm acutely aware that this issue is draining so much energy that I need to be putting into other things.

so what's the problem? You are exhausted by the drama. No problem. If he emails. Just reply that you no longer want contact.
and then concentrate on what you or you marriage is missing.

Basically get a grip and stop thinking about yourself and start thinking about your family.

Basically OP you ARE getting something out of this. Be it an ego boost (which I don't get as there is no indication he has suggested anything happen with you) or you like the drama of being the 'scarlett woman' or something else.
you do behave like this it you are not getting something put of it.

Sorry that should read you do not in the last sentence.

Thanks again for all the comments. I'm feeling much calmer about it all having had some time to reflect. I was getting "something" out of this brief contact (and mostly the resulting daydreaming) a bit of escapism/excitement and letting my mind drift back to a time when life was very different.

Reading other threads has also been helpful-it's good to know I am not alone but also how a few emails could easily get way out of hand-and that I need to actively decide to leave this all behind, once and for all.

Also I had positive news about an upcoming job I am hoping to secure-this has made me fel more positive about life in general and I've been concentrating my mental energy more on that.

I disagree that "no good can come of this". I think it's more a case of "nothing can come of this".

There are no signs that anything is reciprocated and it sounds like you're building a fantasy based on false intimacy.

You say you were stunned at the details he could remember from your dad's funeral. Well let me tell you: I can remember all sorts of details from my DB's ex-partner's mother's funeral. I only met her once or twice, didn't like the family, had no reason to be actually affected by her death, but it was a bloody upsetting funeral and I could probably reel off a whole list of details now.

We all have a tendency I think to read too much into written communication and we are all vulnerable to over-estimating emotional bonds if certain triggers are pressed.

If this were just dating and a bloke you'd emailed for a meet-up didn't respond within a week people would be responding "he's just not that into you". To be honest the same probably could have been said back at uni when you never progressed beyond fuck buddy. I think there are certainly some ishoos going on, but posters stating this is the beginning of an affair seem to be overlooking the question of his participation.

He mentioned getting together in his first reply and when I suggested a particular date for a meeting he emailed straight back positively.Up until then our exchanges had been purely friendly. At the thought of meeting I think I went into fantasy overload. Anyway I imagine he's had second thoughts. Can't blame him really. Lucky escape all round.