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Original poster

DH was addicted to internet porn? How do I get over it?

49 replies

PPP3 · 31/03/2006 14:06

6mnths ago i discovered that dh was addicted to internet porn. Didn't find out in the best way possible, found pictures of him doing his busy over a photo of a porn actress on our computer. I was heavily pregnant at the time with no. 3. i started going through our computer history and found her had been on these websites while the kids and i were in bed for a few months. Confronted him, he apologise etc etc.

The thing is, I always had a higher sex drive than him and was happy to try most things. We did watch some movies together and had toys so it not like I was forbidding experimenting in our sex life.

nyway, a week later I asked if he had been on any websites and he said no but when I check the history and he had. Completely, lost it and told him to pack his bags and get out and that I couldn't live with someone i didn't trust. He cried, told me he was sorry, that he loved me and the kids and didn't want to loss us, that he was ashamed and disgusted with himself that he did this too us and he won't do it again. And that he had become addicted. I seriously think I put him off porn for life and truely believe him.

The problem is I have erected a wall between us, shut him out and focussed of the kids. I don't know how to break through the wall and I don't want to lose him. I love him and he is a brilliant husband and father don't think it's worth destroying a 8 year relationship. It's just that I don't know how to get over it. Put up the wall to get back at him and protect myself but it needs pulling down. He has suffered enough now and we need to put some spark and intimacy back into our relationship, I know its me that has driven up wedge into.

Anyone had any experience of this. He's not a pervert and he is a fanatastics bloke just got caught up in it all.

OP posts:
moondog · 31/03/2006 14:08

Gosh,I don't think a prediliction for dodgy photos and films is grounds for divorce.....
Do you think you overreacted a bit???

Original poster
PPP3 · 31/03/2006 14:15

Moondog - Pregnancy hormones!! And wanted to get through to him about being honest. I was alot more chilled when I first found out. It was a case of scary the pants off him so that he learns that you always get found out so its better to be honest in the first place. I felt betrayed and in the past he had turned down my offer of 'a good time' in favour of football, because he was tired, etc. Sound really childish doesn't it.

OP posts:
MeerkatsUnite · 31/03/2006 14:20

PPP3

I once heard a radio programme about internet porn and this addiction does destroy some previously good relationships. Most men who look at such porn online are in no way perverted but they get caught up in it, it desensitises them. It is a problem that is becoming ever more prevalent.

Would you consider Relate or some other such counselling service?. Think you need to talk this through with someone impartial to get it all out.
If possible both of you should go together and separately to counselling sessions.

Is your DH having any form of counselling now for his internet porn addiction?. At least he has admitted he had a problem to you and that is half the battle in terms of recovery, many such men do not.

butty · 31/03/2006 14:21

My DP is always looking at dodgy sites, there was a time when i used to take a huff about it, but he's a man and it's in his nature to look, as i glance at good looking men walking pastGrin

I wouldn't risk destroying what sounds to be a very good relationship over it.

You wouldn't be the first person i know go mad about the same thing, but remember, he is with you, he can kiss and cuddle you, it wouldn't be the same thing with a picture IYKWIM.

Butty.xxx

moondog · 31/03/2006 14:21

Well not really.
A woman who has gone through bearing a man's babies has every right to feel disgusted/upset.

Dunno,I don't think it's any of my business what my dh looks at on his computer-and vice versa.
I don't want or need to know everything about him.
Vice versa again.

monkeytrousers · 31/03/2006 14:36

It does sound like a trust issue. he's lied to you about it and I'd be pissed off about that. I'd be pissed off about the porn too, to be honest. I think porn is highly immoral as viewing (and hence buying into) it is contributing to a massive industry predicated on the use and abuse of women.

I'm not against sexuality, but I am morally against live action porn as a way of expressing it.

There are specialist concellors for this kind of addiction and it can develop into obsessive behaiviour as studies show that more exposure is needed to get the same effect derived in the beginning. Maybe talk to your GP on your own and see if they can recommend anyone?

butty · 31/03/2006 14:42

Sorry, my post sounds a bit vague and offensive to some, i didn't mean live porn, i meant pictures from page 3 and so on. Porn on the other hand i wouln't tolerate as i find it very demeaning that a person who is in a fulfilled relationship would go to these extents.

PP£, is it definate porn, or porn like pictures???

Sorry, just a bit unclear.

Butty.xxx

Ledodgy · 31/03/2006 14:45

I'd be concerned that he had pictures of himself doing the business as you put it. Were these pics for his own use so to speak or has he been sending them to someone?

Original poster
PPP3 · 31/03/2006 14:46

I mean porno like pictures mainly girl on girl action. American websites.

OP posts:
Original poster
PPP3 · 31/03/2006 14:49

Ledodgy - At first I thought he was having an affair and was having some sort of phone sex with the woman in the picture but then realised after looking at the websites that it was a photo of some porn actress. It doesn't appear that he sent it to anyone and he says he didn't just some sort of fantasy.

OP posts:
butty · 31/03/2006 14:50

so you mean photo's and not films???

You say "girl on girl action", my dp went through a similar stage of looking at these kind of pictures, but like i say, i think it is a bloke thing from experiences of men over the years.

I dont mean men as in all my men, i mean my 23 year old brother and his mates, they are a right dirty bunch, but i dont want to class men as all the same, just trying to explain my knowledge in a round about way.

Remember, he genuinely loves you and has said that he is sorry and won't do it again.

Butty.xxx

Ledodgy · 31/03/2006 14:51

Sorry I thought you said you found photos of HIM on the computer doing his busy over a photo of a porn actress.

Ledodgy · 31/03/2006 14:58

sorry PPP3 we crossposted.

Original poster
PPP3 · 31/03/2006 15:01

Yes, definitely photos not films.

OP posts:
Ledodgy · 31/03/2006 15:02

Ahh i get you that makes sense then, I can understand how you'd feel the way you do/did I think it comes down to the way it is perceived he obviously thought he was just getting his rocks off so to speak but you see it as a betrayal of your relationship and a reflection on you. By the sounds of it I don't think he intended to hurt you and does seem genuinly sorry that it has resulted in doing just this. I think you maybe could do with some sort of counselling or maybe start fresh, get a babysitter and start dating each other again.

monkeytrousers · 31/03/2006 17:01

When I say 'live' I include still pics, page 3 or no, soft or hard. It's all the same industry. I think writing and animated pornography is really the only moral way to do it without exploiting the people who have to participate. That'll never happen of course because a large part of porn is about humilation and power over someone else.

Original poster
PPP3 · 31/03/2006 17:19

monkeytrousers - thanks, your point has been taken on board but there are also a lot of women out there that choose to and enjoy making porn, and they sometimes make more money than the rest of us. The reality is that it is out there, what would you do if it was your dp/dh?

Ledodgy - dating again is a good start, unfortunately, we don't have anyone to babysit and I don't want to use an agency. I suppose we could make more of an effort to do romantic things once the kids are in bed, providing our youngest ever gets into a set bedtime routine, instead of watching tv or being on the computer.

Re counselling, I'm not keen, went to counselling in my teens and its left a bad taste in my mouth (so to speak).

Thanks everyone for replying.

OP posts:
nicolajc · 01/04/2006 09:41

pp3 i suspect that on a night my dh does the same but cant find any proof you mentioned before that you went through your computor history how do you do that?? not very technical with computors!!

monkeytrousers · 03/04/2006 22:22

nicolajc, look up to your browser icons above, there'll be

file, edit, view, favorites, tools, help

then another (few) below including back, forward stop refresh, maybe in words or icons. Your history icon is usually next to the star icon, it's a clock face with an arrow going anti-clockwise around the outside. That sounds very complicated but the icons are very simple, once you start looking you can work it out and don't worry, you cant break anything - just press the 'back' arrow to get back to where you were.

But be warned, you can delete your history so it isn't definitive if you don't find anything there. You'll know your there as when you press it you'll see loads of 'mumsnets' listed.

monkeytrousers · 03/04/2006 22:25

Oh, and just for the record, i think those women you describe will the the exceptions that prove the rule PPP3, unfortunately. I wouldn't have a problem if they were all healthy happy and wonderfully satisfied individuals, but as an industry, it attracts the most vulnerable disturbed and abused.

kama · 03/04/2006 22:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

notasheep · 03/04/2006 23:15

PP3-similar situation here,with dp 7 years,found disturbing porn..............
sorry i cant really give you any advice.
Mine is a trust issue

notasheep · 06/04/2006 12:02

PPP3 how are you?

nixnoo · 06/04/2006 12:39

It is a very sensitive issue, just a thought tho:

At least it was "normal" porn, if you know what I mean? It wasn't involving inflicting pain or any other "perversions" that would really freak you out??

shimmy21 · 06/04/2006 13:05

PPP3 just wondering why you call this an addiction. I'm not denying for a moment that some men are addicted to porn but I would only call it an addiction if it is damaging other aspects of your dh's life (e.g. he is doing it at work because he can't stop himself, it is preventing him having 'normal' sex with you or it is leading him into dangerous more dodgy types of site). Just the fact that he has been visiting these sites secretly while you have been sleeping doesn't mean he is addicted. Yes, I know it has damaged your relationship but that is perhaps because you have a very different opinion about what is acceptable than him (not the addiction itself) and yes, he should have respected your views and not gone back to the sites.

I'm just asking this because it probably affects the way you need to deal with it. If it's an addiction he could well need professional help. If it is a fairly minor but hurtful betrayal of you and your views then perhaps you can sort it out by talking, telling him why you felt betrayed and ask for reassurances before you try to get back to normal.

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