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Original poster

DH was addicted to internet porn? How do I get over it?

49 replies

PPP3 · 31/03/2006 14:06

6mnths ago i discovered that dh was addicted to internet porn. Didn't find out in the best way possible, found pictures of him doing his busy over a photo of a porn actress on our computer. I was heavily pregnant at the time with no. 3. i started going through our computer history and found her had been on these websites while the kids and i were in bed for a few months. Confronted him, he apologise etc etc.

The thing is, I always had a higher sex drive than him and was happy to try most things. We did watch some movies together and had toys so it not like I was forbidding experimenting in our sex life.

nyway, a week later I asked if he had been on any websites and he said no but when I check the history and he had. Completely, lost it and told him to pack his bags and get out and that I couldn't live with someone i didn't trust. He cried, told me he was sorry, that he loved me and the kids and didn't want to loss us, that he was ashamed and disgusted with himself that he did this too us and he won't do it again. And that he had become addicted. I seriously think I put him off porn for life and truely believe him.

The problem is I have erected a wall between us, shut him out and focussed of the kids. I don't know how to break through the wall and I don't want to lose him. I love him and he is a brilliant husband and father don't think it's worth destroying a 8 year relationship. It's just that I don't know how to get over it. Put up the wall to get back at him and protect myself but it needs pulling down. He has suffered enough now and we need to put some spark and intimacy back into our relationship, I know its me that has driven up wedge into.

Anyone had any experience of this. He's not a pervert and he is a fanatastics bloke just got caught up in it all.

OP posts:
Kabsy · 06/04/2006 14:37

PPP3 you said you seem to have an open mind to sex. Could you turn it around and enjoy (obviously you would have to agree on subject matter) this together as another side to your sex life?

Addiction sounds quite strong too - look how we are all 'addicted' to MN!! We just can't help ourselves I'm supposed to be doing all sorts of sensible things other than here!!

I also know that my husband has looked at stuff and he has bought mags in the past which I sometimes used to the read the letters and stories in too. But unless it is very disturbing then it doesn't bother me. It is in their nature to oggle women they can't help it. Smile

monkeytrousers · 06/04/2006 19:50

You're right, it's perfectly healthy and natural to admire beautiful young women but it isn't okay to buy into an industry that systematically abuses women and nullifies the idea of diverse female sexuality on an industrial scale.

Just because it makes your gonads twitch doesnt mean it's good.

notasheep · 06/04/2006 21:23

Hmmm.... like Anal Virgins?
Hasnt helped our sex life

monkeytrousers · 06/04/2006 22:05

Dear me, whose suggestion was that??

monkeytrousers · 07/04/2006 13:15

Since when did getting shagged up the arse and pretending it doesn't hurt became the paragon of female sexuality?

Many of the gay men I know don't even have anal sex because it hurts...But then again, that's probably the point. I once got some porn spam that said "yes we know it hurts but we just cant get enough of fcking young girls up the ase". Charming.

kimi · 07/04/2006 22:03

Hope you dont mind me joining in.
First i have to say i love dh very much but am on the point of leaving after 20 years together (met when i was 14).
Dh loves his porn and first it was books, then videos, then on to dvd's and then the joy of the world wide web.
So we get a PC and he "accidently" finds a porn site and we cant get it off of the desktop so i have to call my best friend and ask him (red as a beetroot) can he get rid of it before the kids see it.
Ds promised not to do it again, he promised the 2nd, 3rd,4th 5th and all other times that he did it and i had to get it all cleaned off (by very understanding best friend).
I asked, i begged, i screamed ,i threatened but he kept looking.
I upped our sex life he still looked, i stopped it all together (after he got out of bed after
making love to me to go look at it )i locked the room with the pc in it, he smashed things up, i changed the passwords, it did not stop, it made me so sad and no matter how much i said please stop it did not, i was worried that he might end up looking at worse and worse stuff, and due to the fact we are both useless with computers he could end up looking at stuff he never ment to look at in the first place. He did manage to put the phone bill up by 3 times its amount, i gave up confided it all in my best friend (who was very good about the whole thing and "cleaning" the pc.) But it has done so much damage to dh and me i cant even tell you. It was the lies and the deciet as much as the porn that was so so upsetting and ds just could not understand why i was so upset. He still looks at it and i have given up, i sit in one room and go to bed early he sits in another with the pc looking at porn most of the night, most days we may exchange 20 words with each other, i love him i miss him but i am going to leave because there is nothing there anymore.

monkeytrousers · 07/04/2006 22:11

Kimi, how horrible for you, sweetheart. Have you talked to your GP about it. I don't know what facilities are available on the NHS but it might be worth trying. There are certainly sex addiction groups.

By all accounts, from what you have described I think you are doing the right thing. It doesn't have to be permanent but he needs to choose between his addiction and his family. It could be porn it could be heroin, it could be alcohol - it's all the same. Please post for support or feel free to CAT me to help you through this time. Good luck to you and your kids, and your foolish DH.

kimi · 07/04/2006 22:19

Thank you, Dh knows what he is about to lose, its all very complecated now (far too much to go in to right now) i think i drove him to alot of it as he has always had a much higher sexdrive then me, but things are so far gone now that i dont think we will every be a couple like that again, its not all due to the porn but it did not help. we are parents to two wonderful boys but thats about all that is left now.
Shame really, but as i have said other factors are involved now and its all gone to far to ever be put right.

monkeytrousers · 07/04/2006 22:53

Don't blame yourself Kimi, ever. Addiction is only the fault of the person at the centre of it, until they take responsibility for their own actions they'll never stop. I am truly sorry.

forestfern · 09/04/2006 13:24

I wonder if we forget to mention romance in these discussions about porn.

Romance is not about chocolates and flowers now, is it? Romance can produce heightened passion, desire and intense sexuality. If you are this way inclined, whether male or female, then porn will be a boring,immature way to express your narcissitic and dream/fantasy side. You might simply go for the shag-sex bit after 6mth abstinence, but predominantly it would not be your way of enjoying yourself.

Well, if the male, many males possibly, still have that shag-sex desire despite how much sex you give him then - unless you accept it along with whatever romantic passion he can muster up, then you will be doomed. I am not sure you can stop a person doing what they want to do. It stops in childhood. Adults resent it.

I wonder if women who accept porn accept that men still have this side, or whether they have not experienced the same extreme sexual passion that romance can offer. There is no sexual experience to equal this in my book. But there is an element somehow of fidelty and connection with the mind of the other, even in fiction, with this kind of sexuality. It is not Nancy Friday or Annais Nin. He will devour you, eat your soft neck and make your back arch with passion, not just for the cameras. also, then, a flattery of self-esteem which maybe men also get from watching the pron. maybe they pretend to themselves that they are making the women react in this way?

Maybe some men watch porn because they would love to have such passionate responses from real women. Sadly, it will never happen so long as they continue with the porn. Myabe they are not good-looking enough, but would love to be, or do not have the seductive abilities to do this at all. Just thoughts?

Catch 22.

HappyDaddy · 12/04/2006 10:57

To my mind the issue is whether he can go without looking at it or not, not what he's looking at.

If he can't, it's the same as any other addiction. Try some counselling together, see if they can help him wean himself off it. Just cutting it off and him saying he wont anymore may not work and it will make things worse for you both.

HappyDaddy · 12/04/2006 10:59

forestfern, in my experience porn has no connection to anything missing in a relationship. whether that be the amount of sex, the type of sex, how good looking your partner is etc. It's a physical release and nothing more, but it's easy to get hooked on getting that release.

notasheep · 12/04/2006 11:29

But when its Hardcore i do wonder who i am living with

HappyDaddy · 12/04/2006 11:33

notasheep, try to think of it like an alcoholic addiction. one pint doesn't do it for him anymore, so he needs 10 pints and 4 chasers. It may shock you but that's how it is, often.

notasheep · 12/04/2006 11:35

Yes i know what you mean,however i have no doubt that if i looked at black men with large equipment then dp would be just as upset.

Its a trust issue really,i would rather he told me than be all furtive about it

HappyDaddy · 12/04/2006 11:39

Ahh but see that's the double standard, he's looking because he "can't help himself" but if you do he'll feel all inferior.

Browse a load of big dick black men websites and leave the history open for him to see Grin.

notasheep · 12/04/2006 11:48

Or maybe i could say i cant help myself!!!!

Trying desperatly to understand how men and women can live together with such opposite emotional stuff/physical needs.

monkeytrousers · 12/04/2006 12:28

Forestfern, weren't you having similar problems with your DH? Did you end up moving? How are things between you now?

Here are a few links of investigative reports about porn addiction.

\link{http://www.guardian.co.uk/uk_news/story/0,,259970,00.html\link}

\link{http://observer.guardian.co.uk/review/story/0,,925264,00.html\link}

\link{ www.guardian.co.uk/gender/story/0,,1079167,00.html\link}

monkeytrousers · 12/04/2006 12:29

\link{http://www.guardian.co.uk/gender/story/0,,1079167,00.html\link}

forestfern · 28/04/2006 13:01

mkt. thank you for asking. I did move. I am still working on it. I still want out though, in my heart.

Heaney72 · 22/05/2006 14:24

(shock) where do I begin......just read all threads.............just after finding more porn on dh laptop.Have been away so was half expecting it(thats not good is it?)I too have been with him for 8 years, have 2 children 4 & 1. Can't understand why I always get upset when I find hardcore on computer as I have always considerd myself a confident 'open minded' person...am I kidding myself?????/I'm a good wife-easy going-bla bla bla...and still have good sex life(suspenders ......)I'm so gutted ...hes such a great man in all other ways and a wonderful dad.Why do I have to accept that'this is what men do'????I want to old and 'baggy' with this man but I can't seperate what I see(and some images I REALLY DON'T WANT TO)and what we have together.

jellylegs · 23/05/2006 15:05

By the way,Thankyou MonkeyTrousers...the articles you linked are certainly food for thought.Made me quite sad though!!!!

2labs · 23/05/2006 16:01

Just an idea for anyone whose dh/dp looks at web porn but on some level doesn't want to, which sounds like the OP (you say he's disgusted with himself and got caught up in it), how about talking about it and suggesting getting software for your PC that blocks sites according to content, where you have the password and he doesn't? This would only work if he wants help to stop. The thing with web porn is that it's so easy to access - it's just there at the click of a mouse, so it's a big temptation when the thought strikes and he's alone in front of the comp. For some people who aren't too far into it, just making it more difficult to access could help. It's a whole other step to have to go out and buy porn magazines/videos, and usually dangerous to look at work. Not saying that this is a solution for someone who's determined.

holliec · 23/05/2006 22:23

when iwas younger i lived with a man who had hardcore books i found offensive .one day he came back to the flat and i had bought two copies of a book called rammers from a sex shop (it took me hours to muster the strength to go in)they were put in frames all around the flat when he returned.he was horrified ",they were disgusting,perverted and they were not real they were plastic as men arent that big."i told him now he knows how i feel.no other books were ever found.

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