Am I in the wrong

[fortythreeandnearlyfit]

Ok - so partner and I have a simmering argument. I feel taken for granted.
So, I bring it up - try to say how I feel. I say I feel unloved, unsupported and unattractive. I tell him that I love him, love his company etc.
All he says back is "you are being stupid" "you have got this nonsence into your head" Nothing else. No reasurrance, no "i love you as you are". Nothing. He then says that arguing "is wearing him out". He will say "im not arguing any more" and go silent.
Its like a stone wall and its really getting me down. He tells me I am arguing with myself and he has done nothing wrong. He also has a habit of ignoring me for a while if i try to address things with him.
Is this me being needy?

AF. Thanks. I have texted him to end it. Cba with a phone call. He never answers anyway....part of his elusiveness. He blames it all on the phone of course.
Do you think the freedom programme would help me with my esteem issues? I think I need to find value in myself. Im repeating behaviour all the time. I meet men then slink into their idea of what they want and in the meantime torture myself that I'm not good enough for them.
I'm so unhealthy in that respect. Yet I have v good relationships with friends and family. This a real thorn in my side.

The Freedom Programme is designed to help people who have been manipulated by abusers to recognise those patterns in others and in themselves (by how they accept the bad treatment)

Google it and see if there is one in your area. You could always contact the organisers and explain what you are looking for, asking if it might be a good "fit" for you

the other option is straightforward counselling found through your GP, or organised by you privately. It may take a few phone calls to connect with what you need

btw, I think you have been shit-hot in this instance

shit hot in this instance i would have to damn agree :)

Knew someone like this many years ago and it was their problem, not yours. Move on, and the freedon programme sounds like a good idea. The people in your life should add value to it, not detract and they should only ever want the best for you and want you want, not what they want for themselves.

You've made a cracking decision, as you have with where you want your career to go and now your life :)

Thanks. And thanks again
I've been spurred on by an inner strength
When he contacted me after weeks of silence, I wasn't filled with joy. I actually felt nervous and anxious but with a weird inner desire to maybe this time be the person he wants.
In those weeks of silence my beloved uncle had died after a long illness of dementia caused by a brain tumour. Because the bf had vanished I was able to spend lots of time with my uncle and I cherished every single moment. And in those weeks of silence I felt peaceful and calm.
When he suggested we get together it was with a cold heart. But there were things about him i liked and stupidly i probably thought i was worth this shit . Now I couldn't really care less. The man has no compassion. I'm all about the compassion. I'm all about the communication.He can fuck off and take his stone heart somewhere else.

Well done

Now you have to find a way to not get sucked in by another flavour of twat

You were a nurse and now you're a Doctor? That makes you pretty damned awesome in my book - do some work on realising for yourself that you are wonderful and the next man in your life had better bloody well deserve you! Go you!

Oh OP, I'm so glad you have got rid of him. He sounds absolutely vile and yes, he sounds as though he's jealous as hell of you. He was sabotaging your work, wasn't he, by not making plans? If he'd planned with you when you should meet, you could have relaxed and got on with your work. All that wondering whether he's going to cancel etc would drive me mad.

I do wish you'd sent a different text, though. In fact I wouldn't have sent a text until he'd sent one, then a couple of days later, I'd send one saying "Sorry, can't be bothered seeing you any more. You really are a prick and I have a much better time without you."

But in any case, he's dumped now and I agree that some counselling or something like that would help you see why you got involved with such an awful man.

As one doctor to another - congrats on dumping the useless twat!

And self esteem issues seem to be almost compulsory for female doctors - something about over achieving, people pleasing I think (God knows, I've had the therapy myself!). I spend loads of time trying to tell our female juniors to have more confidence (and sometimes to pick better boyfriends) while the males are often not nearly as good but get away with it due to confidence by the bucketload.

You've done something amazing in becoming a doctor at 43, now go and value yourself, maybe don't date for a bit but enjoy yourself.

Small negative - I found that rather than men throwing themselves at me, a lot of non-medic blokes are intimidated you being a doctor on the dating scene. However this is not a problem because why would you want to go out with an unevolved caveman anyway - at least you get to find out before you've wasted your time

Bloody well done fortythree I'm in awe of you retraining, that is a huge achievement.

So glad you've dumped this man, you're far too good for him.

Well done, Fortythree. I'm sorry about your Uncle's passing.

Thank you all. I appreciate all your support and lovely comments. I did the post graduate course at Warwick medical school and I've got a 2 year foundation programme to complete but I'm a qualified doctor now. Secretly I am massively delighted.
I've had a bath and visited a friend. All is good.
To avoid texting I'll use Facebook. We weren't FB friends.
Kundry. I think I'll keep away from men for a while. This prize twat has annoyed me too much to be bothered.

I didn't sleep very well. Anger kept me awake. He is a horrible person. I bought tickets for us to go to a ball next weekend, he really enjoyed it last year. But when I mentioned it to him he said 'what the hell did you buy tickets for? I'm not going, it's all your medic friends. Last year you weren't very affectionate to me there either. I'm not in the mood'. Yet last year he told me he had a great time. He would never do anything for me that I suggested. It as all him,him,him.
I'm so angry.

Fortythree, this man was not just an unreliable prick but an abuser. You have had a lucky escape in that you recognised his behaviour as unsatisfactory and fucked him off. Honestly, he was hurting you on purpose Men like this seek out clever, strong, lovely women and make a conscious effort to destroy them, because a man like this hates women and believes they are inferior to men and must be crushed into accepting slave status. Hence all his constant digs and sabotaging of you.

YOu are so well rid of him. GIve yourself a big pat on the back.

Men like this seek out clever, strong, lovely women and make a conscious effort to destroy them

Do you really believe this? When he was single, before meeting the OP, he consciously decided to look for a clever woman to destroy her life?

Twat though he sounds, the above seems extremely unlikely to me. Much more likely is that he got together with the OP and then became jealous and resentful of her high achievements. Hence his awful behaviour.

Anyway, she will be well rid of him.

Badlad: Yes, men like this do behave like this. SOme of it may be a bit subconscious, but the base level is this idea that an intelligent woman is a 'challenge' who needs to be conquered.

Solid. He definitely hated women. He has no women friends.
It was all getting a bit dangerous for me in that I was trying to alter my behaviour and spend a lot of the time confused and hurt. He definitely has abusive traits and did a dance of hot cold around me. Fundamentally whenever I challenged his coldness/dismissive ness I was punished with silence and rejection. The ticket incident was punishment as I had asked him that morning to not keep cancelling me at the last minute. He told me that I was being stupid and he wasn't prepared to argue. I said goodbye and walked out. Later he said I hadn't even bothered to give him a wave or kiss goodbye when he 'hadn't done anything wrong'.
Reliability is very important to me. He has never respected that. Yep abuse.

BadLad in most cases it's not conscious at all. SGB is right, there's a certain type of man who is drawn towards successful, competent women because their status reflects on the man and there's the challenge of pulling them down and putting them in their place - but if you accused them of doing this, they genuinely wouldn't know what you were talking about because they're not aware they're doing it, the really truly believe that they like successful women because they admire women.

fortythree, I think you need counselling because the fact that your mother doesn't recognise your phenomenal achievement (a doctor FFS! How shit-hot is that!) shows that you are used to having your achievements undermined and undervalued and that's probably why you got involved with this no-mark loser in the first place. Recognising where your lack of self-esteem stems from in the first place, is the first step to re-building it.

Thanks and I know I need some help. I'm very used to acknowledging someone else's agenda and not my own. Conversations with my mum only centre around her subjects. She has never acknowledged mine or my brothers achievements and she never asks us about it yet bangs on constantly about her neighbours.
I started standing up for myself with this man and I was met with rejection and silence. That says a lot more about him than me.

That is absolutely right. Some, if not many, have a deep-rooted and sensitive "male pride", that consumes their brain and simply cannot see that they have done anything wrong. They can only assume we women are just over-reacting, imagining things, worrying about nothing etc. Oh, yes and being neurotic !!

Ops partner was one of the extreme types, and they cannot change as cannot understand the " pain" they are causing.
Only resolution is to dump - and it's his loss

Thank you Solid and Fast for the replies. I find the concept a little confusing - rising to meet the challenge (of conquering the woman) but being unaware that you are doing it. Surely if you are seeking something out and taking on a challenge you would have to do it consciously.

But I'll stop taking this off topic now; if either of you do reply, it will be appreciated and read, but not replied to. Sorry Forty.

Ps
And is devoid of any compassion.
My DH had more compassion than any man I know, that is why I loved him so much. But still had this male pride in certain circumstances, which in one case, overwhelmed his compassion for my health and his own.

In his case, I was the first high achiever he had been with. I don't say much about my achievements or my job. Tellingly one say he said to me 'you think you are so perfect, you are not'. That was when I asked him whether he feels angry a lot of the time. This was after he mouthed 'you twat' to a man badly parking and the man came running after our car. I was shaking. I'd said 'leave it' but he had to say something and we were in my car. Of course there was no acknowledgement of me being scared. This was also after he had beaten up his friend after a stupid comment about his kids the week before. He didn't just slap the friend around, he actually punched him in the head and had to be dragged off.
Btw. Both my parents had problems. Dad had an unstable mood and was violent when drunk. Mum dedicated herself to him at our expense.
I'll get counselling.

I think what'll happen with the next woman he dates, he'll hold you up as a paragon of what it's possible to achieve. So if she's in a 'lower-level' job he will sneer at her achievements and make her feel she'll never live up to your standards.

He does sound really horrible. When you write about him, does it all suddenly become clear?

Oh love, it does sound like the damage was done in your past, which is why you diodn't tell this screaming arsehole to fuck off straight away. I would honestly recommend something like the Freedom Programme to sort out your boundaries, etc, before dating again. Because predatory scum like this man are out there and they have a radar for damaged women they can hurt.

Phew.
Op You really are well rid of him as violent in the extreme too. I never witnessed any violence at home, and my dad's father died suddenly when he was 7, and his mum at 50 never married again. I would run a mile from any man who showed the tiniest amount of bad temper and violence, and I met only one, which is what I did at the first sign. But that's me.
Good luck with your next relationship and councelling to not fall for that type of guy again. My parents, especially dad would have been so proud of me if I had qualified to be a doctor.
Your parents let you down badly.