Does anyone else struggle with being an adult only child?

[didldidi]

Because according to my counsellor she (and so do I) think I do. I am an only child in my 40's with a mother who is also an only child and a father who never had much to do with his side of the family. It mainly seems to affect realtionships with others (currently my husband - it's a relate counsellor) but I recognise an ambivalence with friends. Also an inability to love unconditionally.

I struggle with the noise and fighting between my children and the 'interference' from my husband's family (he has two siblings) drives me mad!

I also worry about the future and not having any help/support with my ageing parents.

Does anyone else have any similar experience?

I was/am not an only, but a late one. My father was 55 when I was born. My two older sisters and one older brother had all married by the time I was 8 years old. I knew that it would be my job to look after my parents; at twelve I realised this. I am now 46 and my parents are dead. My mother/partner/me did the caring when appropriate for my father and then my mother.

I have no children and had no desire to as I knew that I would be the carer for my parents.

Sorry, what I mean is that effectively I became an only child when I was 8. My siblings left home and moved away (by that I mean different counties) and did not bother their fucking arses unless it suited them.

I am an only child of an only child of an only child. I hate it. I feel this huge pressure. Doesn't help that my mother has issues with boundaries (whole other thread). I have 2 children, and a DSS. I am glad that I have more than one. At the moment they love to hate each other but I am hoping that they learn to love each other when they get older.

My husband has two sisters and a brother and I love going to his Mum's boxing day and having a get together, but I do like going back to my house so the kids can resume killing each other

I have all the personality traits listed on this thread, but I'm not an only child

I think that is what they are rather than a symptom of having no siblings

Well there is certainly a lot of similarities being described here TheFoosa..

Yes,I think it has affected me in many ways throughout my life,but especially now I am just entering my forties & have a child with SN,alot of my friends have disappeared or dont really bother with me & I feel that if i had a sibling I would have more support for me & for the family as a whole.
I really enjoy my own company but sometimes feel lonely IYKWIM.

I feel the same... And have a sister- shes seen dc about 2x in last 5 years and is no support whatsoever, instead a huge cause of upset to me, always has been! No guarantees in life, sadly.

Im not an only child myself. I have a a DB. i just popped in to let posters know that there is a big article on being an only child in this months Easy Living. (December issue) it covers some of the issues here including the worry of caring for elderly parents.

Yes!

I wasn't sure if my husbands behaviours was just home but now I realised that its probably his upbringing.

He can be very selfish at times and often puts himself first without knowing it. He can be lacking in the sense of humour department sometimes too, I suppose because he never had the banter/abuse you get from siblings.

He is also quite unproductive and does expect events to be done for him. Actually I don't think he has ever arranged anything socially all by himself or even suggested it. He usually waits to be invited to stuff or for me to suggest it.

Date night doesn't exist here at all and quite a chunk of the evening is spent with him alone or on his phone - not much eating to go somewhere or do something.

A lot revolves around money with him and I feel I sometimes have to force him to open the wallet - he is less tight now though.

I know he sounds like a ban man lol but inspire of this he actually has more positive qualities than negative.

I'm also from the complete opposite - massive family, very ambitious, like to go nuts every now and again and do something random, probably put others before myself a bit too often etc

Am an only, but don't feel like this. Am pretty extrovert, have friends who will be there for life and other good newer friends who share circumstances, interests etc. Am hugely, sometimes self defeatingly independent but like this quality too.

I have aged crumbly parents and don't feel burdened by this or its future implications. Actually there is a simplicity to conversations about care and stuff that many of my friends would envy as their siblings don't necessarily make it easier.

When parents die, I carry on making my life what it will be choosing my friends and nurturing relationships important to me. I know some fabulous big families but more dysfunctional ones, as an only I get to make my own 'family' from chosen people who choose me too... there is a freedom in this!

oh threeinone, you have made me hopeful that I haven't completely destroyed my child's future by not giving her siblings

you sound great

Bless you, thefoosa, great might overstate it but am very cheerful and pretty normal:) I will give you further hope, have mainly credited being an only as makibg me so confident and independent. I love hang a trio because I love the noise and chaos but I would never think an only was disadvantaged. I loved my only child childhood.

My PIL go on about nothing else.

Pointed out that at least my parents had their siblings when my GP died. Unlike them

But no you arne't alone and it is v hard when you have ill parents or parents with dementia and they aren't local/you are still working/still have children at home.

I understand in the way that only 'only children' can. I am a female in my 40's, married with no children and also have attachment issues I think. I understand what you mean about coping on your own with elderly parents but to me that is preferable to having a sibling with different opinions. My husband has 3 siblings and they are currently locked in a dispute about their late mother's estate. At least as an only one we won't have that. I've made the hard decision not to have children though which saddens me. I'm scared husband and I will die prematurely and there will be no-one to take care of my child. I know this might sound really drastic but it's honestly how I feel. On balance though I would much rather be an only child than have siblings I don't get along with, and of all my friends most of them could take or leave their brother/sister. It's an interesting topic isn't it?

@Disappointedbuyer it sounds like you have a narcissistic mother who wants to put you down all the time. I'm an only child and have a complex upbringing but this sounds like narcissism to me.

I struggle with conflict, more so with people I know than with strangers (road rage is something I'm highly skilled in). I often end up shutting down, then I'll go away and cry.

I struggled every time my mum ended up on a life support machine, and again when she died; nobody felt the same pain as me or carried the same emotional burden. But I also understand that some siblings are crap and I could've been doing it on my own regardless.

I struggle to make friends, too.

I'm sure there's positives as an adult. Anyone?

I am an only child and can totally relate to what a lot of others have said on this thread. I’m not sure if it’s just a coincidence but a lot of us seem to like our own company and can be quite introverted and I would say I am the same. I always wished I had siblings growing up although I did have cousins around. Essentially I grew up in my grandparent’s house, so 3 adults including my Mum. I also don’t make friends that easily.

My Mum always said that she didn’t think she could love another child which sounds nice but she also told me that when she was in the hospital after giving birth to me, she knew she didn’t want another.

I do think I was a mistake & I believe she suffered PND from what I can gather. We’re not really close & I didn’t feel that important to her growing up. She does mean well but she is very opinionated and as another poster said, she does seem to treat Me like a child still and I’m 48! She still tells me what I should/shouldn’t do & sneaks into my room if she stays with me, to tidy up!

Anyway unfortunately my Dd is also an only child (not my choice) which I am totally sad about as I always said I’d have no children or two children. She does say she wishes she has siblings (she has half siblings but they are adults).

A lot of DH’s family are coming to us for Xmas and she made a comment like “all those people but no children”. She said she is looking forward to Grandma’s dog coming the most.

She is also very much like me in temperament and I do worry for her in the future.

I do have a Dad and Stepmum and I do worry what my role will be when one of them passes or becomes ill. I am not close to them either (my Dad was clueless on being a Father) and I live 2 hours away although I may as well live inAustralia the way my Dad acts. He has visited me once in 15 years!

Interesting thread...

I was an OC and I’m also introverted, one of the hardest things as a mum for me is not having your own space. That said I never wanted only 1 child, I used to ask my mother why I was a ‘lonely child’

I’m not very good with a lot on noise either.

I find that it’s often down to 1 sibling to look after elderly parents anyway even when there are many children so I don’t worry about that.

I’ve always oddly had partners from big families though 🤷🏻‍♀️

Well I'm an only child and so is my mum. My dad has a brother but the relationship between them is awful and they argue all the bloody time. As for me though I'm an extrovert, very outgoing, make friends very easily and everywhere (parks, cafes, you name it!) and have a lot of friends for life that have been my friends for decades. I have one DC and currently expecting another one. As for my childhood, I have mainly good memories- I had everything to myself, toys, my parents, attention...however I often hear that I'm very spoilt. I have a very close bond with my parents and they are very involved in my daily life, but I must admit they do treat me as a child at times. I just don't take it too seriously!

I am an only child & both of my parents were only children.
There is enormous pressure on you to succeed when growing up. This still persists now in efforts to be ‘perfect’ which of course is impossible. My parents argued a lot when I was a child & my mother in particular always wanted me to be ‘on her side’ This always put me in a difficult position & now I hate conflict & arguments.
My extremely elderly, difficult father is now failing in health. It is almost an insurmountable problem as to whether he is admitted to a Nursing Home or kept at home. There is no family to help me make this decision & the amount of guilt is overwhelming. I always wanted brothers & sisters & never as much as now.
When I see posts from people who have fallen out with their siblings it always makes me sad.

From an only to onlies! I struggle more now in adulthood I think. I cant quite pinpoint from what age however I can explain a feeling of deep loneliness and somewhat possible jealousy of others who have sisters or brothers. I can admit having two children that I feel somewhat upset they cannot share and auntie or uncle form my side nor can I share a conversation or the grief of loosing my parents. I feel extremely independent but at the same time possibly controlling at times. I've yet to learn how to make friends and open up fully to maintain a friendship. I seem to think that others should know how I feel !.. I'm a strange one but with a heart of gold. Id' love some feedback from anybody especially someone that maybe able to relate!

I have started to really struggle with being an adult only child in the last year or so (I am mid to late 30s). I feel entirely responsible for my aging parents (although they are in pretty good health at the moment) and deep down I feel a sense of real aloneness in this world. I am lucky to have recently found a lovely partner (who is also an only child) but I have no children of my own and feel unable to because I would not be able to provide them with any extended family. I would basically be transferring my loneliness down a generation. I dread the day I find myself truly alone in this world (after my parents have gone and should my parter die before me). I have recently been visiting a relative in hospital and feel so depressed at the thought of being an old person dying alone and without family in a hospital bed. I feel my future is very bleak. I wish I could shake these horrible thoughts but I just can't. I think I also feel quite worthless - I won't be a mother or grandmother, I am nobody's sister, sister in law, aunty etc and never will be. I feel less important than people who have all these relationships. On the plus side, I am sort of glad that my death will not really upset anyone.

I think it is easy to project negative feelings and perceived character traits on to being an 'only' but you won't have to look far to find people with siblings who have similar traits/experiences/feelings.

It is also easy to imagine and almost perfect sibling/family when you don't have one. I think they are rare.

My parents died years ago now (I am an only) - they were older parents (and one of them died very young) so I went through this earlier than my friends. I've got two friends now (both one of four) who are looking after elderly parents and they are not having an easier time of it than I did. Issues with their siblings and perceived fairness seems to be at least 50% of the stress.

My husband has a sibling (but not remotely close and the whole family has a air of unhealthy competition and triangulation) has been angsting about 'everything' being left for him to do for his aging parents for our entire 20 year marriage in a way I never did. It is very likely that he will need to do 90%+ of the work and there will be zero emotional support from his sister, quite the opposite. It is the unfairness of it (he also doesn't really like his parents) not the work that mithers him though.

@didldidi @lurkingfromhome

I hear you, but I don't think that attitudes to conflict are necessarily to do with not experiencing sibling banter.
Most people still get quite a lot of that at school, and for me, my parents were in constant, loud verbal conflict, so I have lots of experience of that, less of healthy ways of resolving conflict - something I had to learn as an adult.

For me, both parents being dead, it is the fact that when I'm not in a serious LTR, no-one is in my corner the way I always felt that family would be.

But then, there are also people with larger families who have gone NC or where the family are abusive etc, so again, it's not a thing unique to onlies, more the sadness that so many people have unpleasant family dynamics and have never had healthy relationships modelled to them....