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Original poster

Does anyone else struggle with being an adult only child?

75 replies

didldidi · 02/11/2012 10:39

Because according to my counsellor she (and so do I) think I do. I am an only child in my 40's with a mother who is also an only child and a father who never had much to do with his side of the family. It mainly seems to affect realtionships with others (currently my husband - it's a relate counsellor) but I recognise an ambivalence with friends. Also an inability to love unconditionally.

I struggle with the noise and fighting between my children and the 'interference' from my husband's family (he has two siblings) drives me mad!

I also worry about the future and not having any help/support with my ageing parents.

Does anyone else have any similar experience?

OP posts:
axure · 02/11/2012 15:05

I'm an OC, as is my Mum and DS. I also love solitude, never tire of my own company, hate noisy kids and innane smalltalk at work which I feel is because I'm used to a quiet calm environment, no arguing over toys, bedrooms etc.
It is hard dealing with elderly parents, I helped nurse my Dad as he died of cancer and had to neglect my DH & DS for 18 months, now my Mum is very demanding, it would be nice to have siblings to share the load, but what's to say they would?

Original poster
didldidi · 02/11/2012 15:15

The nutmeg - yes I agree about the childhood memories. for this week's counselling homework I'm having to write down a list of all the things I think I have missed out on being an only in the family dynamics I had and my list is up to twelve things already.

OP posts:
lurkingfromhome · 02/11/2012 15:16

It's true that I think you tend to over-romanticise and assume that if you had siblings you'd be a lovely close supportive family, but that's far from the case a lot of the time. I have friends who are completely estranged from their siblings, others get on OK but aren't exactly close and others are scattered all over the world so barely see each other. Maybe in some respects it's better to have a small family as you can always choose your friends...

noddyholder · 02/11/2012 15:20

I also think you project your feelings about how it would affect you onto them. In all reality they may look at their partner when they are older and the sibling thing and think thank god I don't have to deal with that. I am lucky though ds is very social and I have a brother not much older than him so he will still be around and he is a bit of an an only himself as my mum had him so late and myself and my other brother and sister had left home. Try not to over think it! No one knows what is round the corner

VoiceofUnreason · 02/11/2012 15:33

There's never any guarantee you'd get on with a sibling or that they'd help with looking after your mum and dad (mind you, as I can't have children, no one's going to look after me).

I remember the Joan Hickson BBC Miss Marple (so much better than the ITV rubbish) and there was an episode where she said she's now of an age where she's the only one left, no one else who remembers, and how lonely that can be. I think that sums it up - just that feeling that there's only YOU now.

Original poster
didldidi · 02/11/2012 15:40

Yes voice, I always say to my two DC that whether or not they chose to get on later in life is up to them - but at least they have that choice.

OP posts:
Mayisout · 02/11/2012 21:11

I recently read 'the Introvert Advantage' and discovered, late in life, that I am an out and out introvert. Alot of the comments on here sound like those of an introvert rather then being just due to being an only child. I am one of 5 siblings.

PseudoBadger · 02/11/2012 21:41

I am an only, my mum is an only, my dad has one brother who is 10 years older than him. I have one cousin, 13 years older than me. I never had grannies either as they both died young. Small family, no family parties, weddings etc. I think part of the reason DP and I haven't got married is that my side of the church would be embarrasingly empty! DP is the eldest of three brothers and has tons of cousins.

I have one DS and am pregnant with dc2. I didn't want an only.

I am rubbish at arguments with DP and always have to resolve them, I can never just walk away in anger. I hate attending DP's family parties and we are sending Christmas at his mum's. I'm dreading it.
I enjoy my own company and don't think I was particularly spoilt, other than not having to share anything.

I think my biggest problem is that I've been a chameleon all my life. At school I was one thing to one group of friends, and something different to another. I never knew my own mind and was dangerously easily led. I think that's from not spending much time with people my own age.

cuttingpicassostoenails · 02/11/2012 22:34

" don't think parents of the 70's had much insight in to the consequences of their parenting styles/choices."

How bloody patronising.

And innaccurate.

Mayisout · 02/11/2012 22:47

Didn't a naughty child need a good smack in the 70s? That's how I remember it.

timothyclaypole · 02/11/2012 22:50

I'm an only, as was is my DM. i have one aunt, uncle and cousin but we have never been close. My "d"f was an abusive twunt so I don't have a completely "normal" perspective, but definitely have some issues that come from growing up in a very small family.

It really impacts on me now in how i relate to DH's, frankly massive, family. I hate feeling like I have to go to countless parties and family get-togethers, that all these people have expectations of me. I struggle to actually see them as my family. To DH being with family and extended family is absolutely normal. To me it's clautrophobic and a little scary. Of course I feel the stresses of being the only person to look after my DM, but at the moment she's not too much bother!

idlevice · 04/11/2012 00:23

I'm an only child of only-child parents. I was an accident which my mum bombshelled me with one day seemingly at random, because she was advised medically not to have any kids & having me gave her all sorts of problems incl a menta breakdown! I've had counselling in the past for other stuff which touched on parental issues but I didn't go into it as it seemed too difficult.

I've always felt fairly negative about it but it does seem to crystalise a bit more as I age due to parents aging & being a parent oneself. YY to the dislike of noise, rough & tumble play, unexpected visitors, not being able to have my own time & the not having anyone to share memories with thing is so depressing. I am also currently struggling with not having a third child due to the worry of something happening to one of my DSs and them being left an only. I'm pretty sure I can't be convinced that being an only child is ever better or even on a level setting with having siblings.

georgie22 · 04/11/2012 00:43

I'm an only child and I think it does trouble me more now than when I was a child. I worry about my parents getting older and not having a sibling to share that responsibility with - dh is great but it's not the same I don't think. We have 1 dd and I'm really hoping she's not an only child. She has cousins on dh's side but they are much older than her.
I like the noise and madness of family life and love seeing my dd with other children. I don't like spending too long on my own but I am naturally quiet and introverted. I certainly wouldn't be an only child by choice but then I know many people who don't have great relationships with siblings.

bellabelly · 04/11/2012 01:09

I think when I was little I quite liked being an only child but now I'm approaching 40 and parents are ageing, I do worry about the future. They live hundreds of miles away from us (their choice) and I will not be able to help them out if/when they get ill and infirm. Even though they have chosen to live somewhere quite cut-off (Cornwall), I still feel guilty that vwe don't see them more. These guilty feelings will probably be worse once one of them dies. We are not close and that again makes me feel a burden of guilt. I imagine fondly that having sib;ings would help with all of the above.

I am an only child and I like peace and solitude. However, I have 4 Dcs (2 x twins) and I must admit that their noise drives me up the wall at times! I would not have chosen to have quite so many kids myself but now they are here, I wouldn't change it for anything. I love the idea that when I am old, there will be 4 kids to take the strain, rather than just one!

rhondajean · 04/11/2012 01:19

I haven't read all the replies so sorry but yea I reckon I struggle to love unconditionally . I also struggle with guilt. I have a toxic relationship with my mother but she has no other child to be close to.

Dh is an only child too. We give each other lots if attention. I can get quite possessive of him although I trust him totally and know he won't cheat, I hate things that take up his time.

I realise and work on my issues. We decided we had to have more than one child to be fair.

rhondajean · 04/11/2012 01:19

Oh and I cannot cope with my children fighting, I do not understand it.

rhondajean · 04/11/2012 01:23

I also feel my age. I am 36 but no one else shares my past. My parents are old and soon I will be the old one. There is no one to make my age, my age.

oldbootface · 04/11/2012 01:26

oh FFS stop bellyaching. Having siblings is no walk in the park (I've got 3)!

mercury7 · 04/11/2012 01:51

of course there are pro's and cons to being an only child, and it's impossible to precisely tease out the effects of having no siblings.
We are shaped by many events and circumstances that interact in complex multiple ways.

Salbertina · 04/11/2012 05:39

My particular sister is of no support, comfort or joy, never had been..actually shes insanely jealous of my life Confused
It would certainly be simpler to have been an only child as the relationshipBiscuit has caused me much distress over the years.

Otoh, am v glad my dc have each other - they bicker incessantly but have a strong bond. So, it depends Op

Concentrateonthegood · 04/11/2012 09:11

I think I understand. Both my parents were only children and I have effectively ended up as one as both my sisters sadly died. My mother has struggled to have successful relationships with people over many years. Everyone that meets her says how lovely she is but she is reserved and shy and her confidence is shot to bits - probably because of so much loss. She never understood the bond between my sister and I; actually, I think she was jealous of our closeness because she simply did not know what it was like to have a sibling. Now, all of her attention is focussed on me and as you can imagine, all of the responsibility is on me now she is infirm. (She lives with me!) However, my father was also an only child and he was a very sociable, lovable and popular person. Mum and dad were definitely polar opposites. So I guess what I'm saying is that your difficulties may be linked to your family profile but based on my own family profile, it's not a given. What I can say though is that my mother was the only child from three siblings and my father's extended family was quite big so he grew up with family contemporaries. Another example that I can give you is my great neice. She's 7 and in an extended family of adults where she is the only child. My two grandchildren, very close in age, fight and muck in together where as my niece is out of her comfort zone sharing time with other kids as she is very used to be the focus of everyone's attention. Not sure I've provided any clarity here but just wanted to share my experiences with you.

glastocat · 04/11/2012 11:03

I'm an only child, so is my son. I like it. My mum is one of ten, she hated it, and I find all the family politics baffling and boring. I am a self contained introvert with a small number of very good friends that I consider my family. My life and friends are down to the choices I have made. I see a lot of people bound down the family obligations and am glad I am not too entangled! But I agree with the poster who said all this is related to introversion rather than how many siblings you have, as my mum is just like me despite her many siblings.

Original poster
didldidi · 04/11/2012 13:11

Thanks for sharing your experiences everyone and sorry to hear about your losses concentrate. What your mum said sound rough idelvice!

OP posts:
mercury7 · 04/11/2012 16:09

Glastocat I also consider myself to be a self contained introvert, and I'm an only child.
I guess the question is does being an only child make a person more likely to be an intovert?
I've always felt that, in my case, there's a link between the two, although of course it's not inevitable.

DappyHays · 04/11/2012 17:37

My DH is an only while I have 3 brothers.

He cannot cope with the noise our two make sometimes and the other funny thing that he does is get into arguments with them in a sulky childish way. It is obvious to me he didn't get those out of his system when he was a kid due to being an only.

DFIL is very sick just now and lives nearly 3 hours away by car. It is a huge strain trying to keep an eye on him though we've offered him several times to move in and him not having someone to share the care with.

My family is huge in comparison. 23 adults in this town alone, in close family, plus a squad of kids. Family gatherings are frequent and chaotic, DH loves them and often hosts.