How often do men who leave their wife and kids for the OW return to the family

[Leftwith3]

Six weeks ago my husband left me and the kids (3mths, 2 and 6) to live with a woman who had started in the office the week our third child was born.

I hoped that in the time away from us would he would miss us and return home but I'm starting to lose hope that he ever will.

So my questions are: how often do they come back to their families and when they do come back how long does it usually take?

Oh of course... don't worry I'm not a slob :) I currently have skinny jeans and a nice top on and make up so I was just making a point that I dont think anyone should dress up in order to win back a cheating partner.

LOL at clam I have answered the door like that when twunt dropped DS on Sunday. I was feeling very hormonal, skint and been feeling ill plus it was the first time in 4 months that ex had seen DS.

Mind you I ahve no self respect or dignity LOL

fairylea I absolutely agree that the OP'd be nuts to want/take him back. However, her OP kind of indicates that she'd have him back like a shot, so we can spout our collective wisdom all we like, but she's not in a place to hear it at the moment.

Talking of which, where is she?

She's probably putting on her lipstick.

(Hides).

Sorry. That was unfair of me. I'm being deliberately difficult.

I apologise.

I hope the op comes to her senses and doesn't want him back.

Watch love actually. The Emma Thompson storyline. It's so apt.

Emma Thompson scene in Love Actually...

Karen: Tell me, what would you do in my position?
Harry: What position is that?
Karen: Imagine your husband bought a gold necklace and come Christmas gave it to somebody else...
Harry: Oh, Karen...
Karen: Would you wait around to find out if it's just a necklace, or if it's sex and a necklace, or if worst of all it's a necklace and love? Would you stay, knowing life would always be a little bit worse? Or would you cut and run?
Harry: Oh, God. I am so in the wrong. The classic fool.
Karen: Yes, but you've also made a fool out of me, and you've made the life I lead foolish too

Yes, it's apt. But in the way of ridiculous shmaltzy Hollywood movies, she takes him back.

Do you know, I've never been able to work out that line by Alan Rickman "I'm so in the wrong." Have re-wound it loads of times and the best I came up with was "I'm so in love." He mumbles!
So thanks!

OP you need to be clear what you are signing up to.

My mum took my dad back. 10 years later her cheated again

She took him back again. He picked up with the OW where he left off and carried the affair through to his death. In total he spent slightly more of their marriage cheating on her than not. Her memory of her life is a fraud because every Christmas, every birthday, every anniversary he was still shagging someone else behind her back.

Yes I know what you mean about Love Actually, the Emma Thompson storyline always makes me cry.

My parents divorced when I was very young and it was pretty crap, I guess a lot of wanting him back stems from not wanting my kids to go through what I went through when I was a kid.

Oh lovey, but if he came back your kids might have it worse than you did. Anyone who can leave his wife, new baby and other kids for such a short-lived relationship can never be trusted again. It's going to be horrifically hard being on your own trying to raise 3 kids, but at least you can sink into sleep each night not worrying who he's with or when the next fling is going to happen.

How old are you and how much support do you have nearby?

Am late 30s and have practically no support where I live.

Then you've got so much of life ahead of you.

Having no support when you've got a 6 year old, a 2 year old and a baby is tough though. Have you spoken to your health visitor and explained your circumstances? Have you made any friends at the eldest's school who could give you support? Any old friends who could rally round?

I'd understand it if you haven't told anyone yet, but people like to help in a crisis. Please ask for it. You've got so much on your plate right now and are probably still recovering from your youngest's birth.

I know you are worried about the children but honestly so much of how they feel about it is to do with how you present the situation to them and how they see you coping.

Especially with the smaller ones they won't know any different so this set up will just be normal to them. I saw on the news today 50% of children don't live with both mum and dad so they won't be alone !

I left my ex h when dd was 6 months old (her dad) and then my second partner left me when she was 5 .. she is now 9 years old and the happiest most well adjusted child anyone could meet. Don't get me wrong I argue with her dad from time to time about contact etc but never in front of her. We keep it business like.

(She doesn't see my second partner, the one who effectively brought her up from 6 months to 5 yrs... he went back to his ex when he found her on facebook!! We have had no contact at all since.... !)

soso how awful to describe other women as 'bitches.' I can honestly say out of all the women I know I can't think of a single one who could be classed as a bitch. I am shocked at your attitude. Anyway OP it is completely normal to feel the way you do. When my ex left I kept thinking of the good times/our wedding day/when we first met etc. Several months on I can't believe we stayed together for so long. It is painful but you will get there.

I always end up banging on about this, but do you have a Sure Start Children's Centre near you? They can offer advice on benefits, provide home visits, counselling and lots of groups for you to meet people.

Runamile really, out of everything posted about you take that comment as shocking . Some people are mean and horrible to be married to, that's not the DV/ abusive brigade but just merely unpleasant people. I AM NOT saying the OP is in that camp at all (though her DH might have been, who knows).

OP, SureStart sounds like a great avenue for help. Are you a member of any mothers' groups or activities etc in community halls. Anywhere, where you can get out and meet people and get some support.

( i know a woman who can quite simply be summed up as a 'bitch') but anyway...

I think in the first shock of rejection, we all regress to being children and just want the hurt and pain to be over anyway possible and for the loved one to come back. Even if- especially if- he has let us down.
Easy to say perhaps- but Take Back Some Control. Start thinking 'Is this what I want from a husband?'.

I would strongly recommend buying 'heartburn' ny Nora Ephron- whose husband had an affair while their second son was in SCIBU.

OP, really sorry you are in this position.

My Dad returned to my Mum, but they were older, he had had a mid life crisis and did the cliched thing - affair with younger woman. He was gone about 8 months. Then discovered that OW did not look after him as well as my Mum, not emotionally, domestically, weren't such good freinds, etc.

I would guess it depends on why he has left. If you basically had a good relationship but he has panciked / had a mid life crisis about having 3 kids, whether your relationship had been failing and you both knew that, whether he has been deceiving you about being happy and took a chance when he saw one...what reasons did he give?

Some men use one woman as the catalyst to leave a marriage and then leave that woman but don't look back.

In your position I think that you need to be taking as much care of yourself as you can and building towards a solution that does not have him at it's heart. Then you have more confidence and if, IF he comes back, you will be all the stronger and clearer, and more equal in your relationship, for knowing that you could have bloody well managed without him. If he has gone out of panic, seeing you needy will be the last thing to bring him home.

Find your own strength. Good luck.

OP what a shitty situation.

Onemorechap, please come back. Your views are always helpful IMO

Yes. I think he may have panicked about having the third child. It meant having to move house, shed loads more money in childcare and possibly me going back to work full time. He has a stressful job and swings between loving it and hating it - though shagging someone in the office has probably brightened up his work days!

I felt him withdraw a bit from family life over the past few months but I'm not sure whether that was due to the affair or not. He was going out for lots of drinks after work getting wrecked and returning home somewhere between 2 and 5am. Then being completely useless with the kids the next day.

His mum thinks he's depressed, he's withdrawn from his family and friends and when he comes to see the kids he looks like he's not slept, he's not shaven for weeks and doesn't exactly smell fresh and clean.

I know he's behaved rather badly but I cant help but be concerned about him.

That's understandable but I think the more likely reason for him cutting off family and friends is shame, not depression. His mum also desperately needs to find a no-blame cause for her son's actions. Don't join her in that. He has behaved monstrously, not badly.

The best way forward is to concentrate on you, not him. What practical help can you engage for you and the children?