How often do men who leave their wife and kids for the OW return to the family

[Leftwith3]

Six weeks ago my husband left me and the kids (3mths, 2 and 6) to live with a woman who had started in the office the week our third child was born.

I hoped that in the time away from us would he would miss us and return home but I'm starting to lose hope that he ever will.

So my questions are: how often do they come back to their families and when they do come back how long does it usually take?

Bitches?

Why don't they leave these 'bitches' who are intolerable to live with before having an affair then? After all, this is the context of this thread - not people who leave because their marriages are abusive and make them unhappy.

Because Beth, people rarely do (despite us all knowing that it is the only emotionally healthy and moral way which, in reality, doesn't seem to exist). Which is why this board is full of upset people.

Cowardly, selfish people rarely do until someone else comes along, I'll grant you. But they think it's fine for their children to be raised in an abusive marriage to a 'bitch' as long as they personally don't have to live on their own and co-parent their children in an atmosphere that is better for those children. So they wait until someone else turns up, from which point those kids are now living with a 'bitch' and a father who's physically and emotionally absent from family life because he's having an affair, leaving only when it suits him.

and of course it exists. People leave unhappy marriages all the time, often because they realise it's doing their kids no favours being raised amidst such misery and because they don't want those kids to think that's what relationships are like. Not everyone makes those brave decisions only when they've got someone else lined up to rescue them. Millions of people have stronger characters than that and tend to put their children first, not their own need to be in a sexual relationship.

I really understand the desire for your husband to return. I had my daughter 2 weeks after my EXH left us for another woman.

I tortured myself for months trying to 'get his attention' before my eyes were opened to the fact he was never coming back.

I am so glad he has gone. It made way for a great bloke to come into my life and I try never to think of my EXH now at all. Give yourself more time to come to terms with the loss of your marriage and to heal. There is a far better future out there for you but you need to be healthy in mind and heart to make the best of it.

Good luck!

BethFairbright Wed 31-Oct-12 16:29:38
Cowardly, selfish people rarely do until someone else comes along, I'll grant you

And, in your world, do the abused, those who suffer DV just "pull themselves together" and get out?

Or like IRL do they need some support, or to realise their situation isn't normal.

It isn't just women who are abused.

Neither is it just men who wait for the life-raft before shipping out OMC. Some women are just as cowardly and selfish as some men.

In a lot of people's worlds - not just mine - people get support from friends, family, counsellors or other organisations to help them exit from relationships that are damaging them and their children. They don't necessarily wait for support from a new sexual partner, no.

and DV sufferers aren't isolated from family and friends often then? You do surprise me.

As I've said elsewhere, I should have left XW a couple of years before I did. I did have an affair. I did end it. The abuse and DV didn't stop. A year later, I left. Sorry if that makes me a cowardly selfish person in your eyes. I'd be sorrier if your opinion mattered to me IRL.

Haven't read all of this but IME they often want to come back but hopefully their wives are smart enough to tell them to bog off.

You are strong OP. This will get easier.

And if he's done it once, can you ever really trust him again anyway? I would not want to live on a knife edge.

From what I have read on here, sometimes they do and sometimes they dont. But I think that the women who realise that they are better off without them, usually end up having a happier life.....

Its sad when there are children involved, my STBXH walked out on me, I begged him to come back, but his head was full of obsession with OW and he was not interested.

You need to retain your dignity. Read Dolly's thread on here, her H has left her and she is coping remarkably well.... Show him that you really dont give a damn.

But be careful what you wish for. If he does come back, would you ever really trust him again? I think its great if people can overcome these things, but it takes a very strong woman and a very remorseful man to be able to overcome it and move on.

Just I think it's because he's a man who had an OW Beelzebub himself. There appear to be no mitigating circs.

Was just thinking the same justfabulous...

Here too...

OP - I am so sorry for what you are going through. It is natural to want him to come back. but you know what ? You deserve SO much better. Because a man who is capable of doing what he did to you and your babies deserves to be with a woman who will be constantly looking over her shoulder because she knows he's a lying cheat.
You WILL get over this. The best thing that you can do is put one foot in front of the other, take each day as it comes and make you and your babies your priority. IME, cheating husbands do tend to try it on with their wives again at the first sign of trouble with the OW (in my case I think it was the first time he saw her without make up ) Stay strong. And maybe nip over to Lone Parents board - there are loads of supportive folks there.

I didn't think personal attacks were allowed?

Well if he is coming back it's not for a while yet.

Why? Because he knows at the moment you'll have him back. So he can 'try out' the relationship with the OW, knowing that he's got probably at least a couple of months grace to see how it goes.

If it doesn't suit him, he knows you're there, waiting and hoping...

If you really want him back (though God only knows why you would), then start acting like you don't give a rats ass about him. Detach, communicate only about children and child contact, look amazing every time you know you're going to see him, make him have the kids overnight of a weekend and tell him you're going out (even if you're not), don't let him in your house, and tell him you're going to see a solicitor to start divorce proceedings. Make him think you're moving on. He will either shit himself and come to his senses and beg yu to take him back, or you'll have your answer in which case fake it 'till you make it.

If anything is going to work that will be it WhoNickedMyName

I don't agree with all this looking amazing in order to win him back. Two reasons- 1.I wouldn't want anyone who didn't love me the same when I'm lounging about in my joggers as when I'm dressed up and 2. I wouldn't want to give the cheating shit the satisfaction of an ego trip thinking I'd dressed up for him, which he probably would if you're not a dress up sort.

I'd take the 'look amazing' route more for me than him though.

I don't know about anyone else but I feel better about myself and more confident with clean hair, a bit of make-up and some nice fitting clothes than lounging around in joggers.

If the OP knows she looks good then surely it will make her feel good, and with that maybe she'll feel able to be more confident and assertive when dealing with him.

Like I said, fake it 'till you make it.

True... I can see where you're coming from.
I guess it depends what kind of person you are.

I suppose I just feel a bit angry that the op would even consider having such an arsehole back. I think she should sit around in her dressing gown picking her nose and farting so he leaves her well alone. He'd be doing her a favour.

But even if you're a "lounging around in your trackie bottoms" kind of gal, you can still make sure that they're clean and you've washed and brushed your hair. I mean, at the very least you've got to have enough self-respect not to greet him at the door with greasy hair, red eyes and snot.