SAHM. Unappreciated and overworked

[arethereanyactualnamesleft]

I've namedchanged for this rant post (something which isn't as easy as it used to be!!!) and I know it's been done to death, but I am just so frustrated with the expectations my family have of me as a SAHM.

Don't get me wrong, I have loved being at home with the children while they were young, but I always assumed that I would go back to work once they were at school. Sadly, my DS has SN and is home educated (by me) so there is no way I could find paid work in the foreseeable future.

It just bugs me that everything gets left to me... My DH gets up, leaves his breakfast stuff / coffee cup wherever he finished with them, has a shower, leaves the shower wet and towels on the floor... when he comes in, he dumps dirty clothes in the basket and sits down. I make his dinner and then clean up after him. This happens with the children too.

If I go away (which I did last week, with the children), everything just piles up. I had to do 4 loads of HIS clothes when I got back, because he'd just kept on dumping clothes in the basket.

This isn't a rant against my DH... I do appreciate that this is my job, but it feels like I never enjoy stuff, I'm just constantly cleaning / sorting / tidying or looking after the kids.

It's like I have a 24hour a day job, with no holidays, but also zero recognition. It's not like I get any respect, the way a person would working out of the home.

Just ranting really.

If both of you work, then both of you get to have a say

That's his rule, not yours. The principle of equal leisure can apply just as well to a couple in which one partner (note the word PARTNER) doesn't earn money directly but 'merely' facilitates the other to do so by taking on all the other responsibilities involved in having a house and family. Responsibilities he would otherwise have to fulfil himself.

If he chooses to devalue your contribution to the family and the marriage, shame on him. If you choose to do it, shame on you. At the moment you are letting him set the rules and run the show precisely to suit himself.

my DH would go mental if the house wasn't clean

Let him. Is he going to sack you?

I think the principle of equal leisure time is capable of working just as well if one parent is a SAHP.

If I was a SAHM and my DH had a paid job, his hours would be (say) 8 to 7 (including travel time) less an hour for lunch, so 10 hours. If the childcare and housework together take more than 10 hours a day, then I would expect help from DH for the extra bit once he gets home. Obviously, if I was not doing proper housework/childcare all day (eg if i sat in front of the telly for a couple of hours while DC napped or met friends for lunch/coffee) I would expect to do more of the housework after DH gets home or at the weekend. Generally, I would expect the older the children the more time for housework, but I dont think that applies in your case becuase of the home-schooling and SN. The equal leisure time approach does require the person WOH to appreciate how much time childcare/housework (and in your case home schooling) actually takes. That can be a problem. If I was a SAHM and felt DH did not appreciate this, I would bugger off for a couple of days and leave him a list of what needs to be done. Sounds like you are too scared of your DH to do that though (and appreciate it is more difficult with a child with SN).

Is your DH supportive of your decision to home-school?

OP - the principle of equal leisure works well in this house. DH works full-time outside the home and I'm a SAHM.

It only doesn't work in your house because your DH is a bullying, disrespectful twat and you let him get away with it.

Why do you put up with this? Do the step kids live with you? What is the back story, did you live with DH before your married him? Did he treat you like this then?

I am constantly amazed at the bright, articulate women on mumsnet who have to put up with such unpleasant men, I am a SAHM (with a child at school ) but there is no way my DH would be allowed to treat me like this; yes, I do his washing & ironing - things are put neatly in the wash basket - but the thought of having to 'negotiate' chores duty and time off horrifies me.

I don't want to seem unkind but how did your DH behave before you had DC, did you have any inkling that he would be like this?

I had this out with DH the other day. It's very easy to slide into doing everything. It took just a week for DH to stop washing up his breakfast things.

Repeat after me: I am not a fucking skivvy.

Every time he criticises you that is your reply. Every time he asks why something hasn't been done that is your reply. Every time he says it only takes 30s so you should do it that is your reply.

After 18mo DH just about appreciates that when he's at work he gets to wee in peace and read a chapter of his book if he takes leftovers for lunch.

You have to stand up to him and stop enabling him to be a sexist prat. It's not easy but it's doable.

Just because he's the one with the penis, it doesn't make him your owner. Tell him that you are thinking of ending the marriage because of his lack of consideration and selfishness. You are not a pet/servant/domestic appliance, and him 'going mental at you' is abuse, not the natural way a marriage works or any crap like that.

OK, the other thing that's always worth mentioning to women who have shitty sexist husbands: sex. I bet you are not terribly enthuiastic about it as it's hard to feel desire for someone who is treating you with such contempt, and who you understandably feel more resentment of than love for.

Unless he's the sort of man with a low libido who makes you worry that he's stopped fancying you I just bet he either moans about you not offering sufficient service in that department, or your sex life consists of you letting him hop on for a bit every week so he doesn't 'go mental' about that, as well.

I think it would be interesting to look at why his first marriage failed and how the dynamic developed between you and the step dcs that you feel you can't say anything to them.

You could spend 24/7 doing housework and childcare and I think your dh would still find fault so he didn't have to contribute. You could sod it all off and become CEO of BP and I think he would still find fault. I think he's doing it to keep you in your place as a subordinate and he in his as the person in charge.

If you cannot talk to him then you need to explore other options. But i can safely say you were not put on this earth to cook the dinners and wash the socks of some entitled bully. Think how much more energy you would have for your dcs if you weren't running around squeegying the shower and washing once used towels for a man who doesn't appreciate anything you do for him.

Haven't read the other responses so I may be repeating.

Even as a SAHM I don't think it is ok that your Dh leaves dishes where he left them. He should be clearing them away.

You have a ft job at home, he has a ft job out of the house. At weekends (and evenings) the chores should be equally split.

To the poster who said 'he doesn't ever pick up his socks, or boxers'...AND?????????

To me, the answer to this is really very obvious simple.

If he doesn't pick them up, they stay on the floor. Either he picks them up eventually, or he runs out of underwear, surely?

In our house, washing that is in the basket gets put in the machine, incidentally by whichever one of us has a mind to put a wash on. My H has previously put washing in a pile by the bedroom door, but he has to move this to the washing basket in the bathroom to stand any chance of it being washed...

STOP picking up after a grown man that presumaly has two arms, two legs and a brain!

Yes, I should perhaps add, I expect more of my DH who is in a wheelchair than some posters appear to of their able-bodied husbands. He doesn't do a lot in the house but this is because he's not physically capable of the tasks. Not merely doing a good impression of being physically incapable.

Every member of my family has a job.

DS1, age 22yo (when he is at home, currently at Uni, does his own washing, makes his own bed, does washing up, dog walking, ). Does his own ironing.

DS2, age 20yo, (also has SN) works full time, Washes up every night, picks up the dogs mess, washes up dirty dishes, walks the big dog each day. Sorts out his own washing and ironing. Hoovers when asked.

DS3, 13 yo, sets the table for all each night, clears away when we are finished, puts away the dry washing up, walks the little dog each day and helps DS2 with the dogs mess in the garden when DS2 can't do it. Starting to do his own washing. Hoovers when asked.

And if your DH leaves a towel on the floor, leave him to pick it up!

Wow point your husband sounds awful. Does he have any redeeming features? I can't believe these men who think the fact they work allows them to behave like arrogant slobs.

My husband and I both work FT, quite stressful jobs (both lawyers). Imagine if we both thought that was sufficient that we didn't need to put dishes in the dishwasher or hang the towels up after a show? what planet is he on?

I don't have kids, but after 2 hours with my hyperactive 20 month old nephew I can tell you quite categorically that negotiating a contract is a doddle in comparison.

Small things can help - try buying a stack of colour coded baskets for clean washing, one for each adult person. Their unironed, clean washing goes in them. What happens next is up to them. Put colour/whites/delicates laundry-sorter baskets on each floor; clothes in the basket get washed, clothes not in the basket don't. This includes bedding!

Buy a roomba. It vacuums whilst you tutor.

Do all food shopping online.

Hope this helps. I know the frustration of knowing the dynamic is wrong, but feeling powerless to change it.

Also buy and read 'wifework'. It will help you get angry, and is a great catalyst to change!

If he says ' it takes 30 seconds to pick up a towel and my pants' say ' I know a lawyer who says it takes 35. Want to argue with him?' Hopefully he'll catch your drift

When my DH is at work I do everything when i am not on my Mac and when he's here he does half or more.

You have to tell someone what you expect if they take more than you're willing to give.

pointtopoint

I actually understand - it's very tricky if you are financially dependent on your DH - it makes you much more vulnerable and so you just go along with things.

everybody here understands the vulnerability of financial dependence, especially when there are children involved.

But when that position of power is being abused by one spouse, it can and must end.

MrsMarigold - bollocks.

I am financially dependant on my DH but he doesn't treat me like a skivvy. We are equal partners, and he would never consider for a moment that the fact that he is the one that brings in the money would give him one iota more say in what we do as a family or a couple that I have.

It is tricky if you are married to a selfish cunt and allow him to treat you like a servant.

MrsMarigold - I second Alibaba's comments - I have been financially dependent on my DH for the last 14 or so years, and will probably be for the rest of my life and there is no way he would treat me like this.

If you respect your partner you don't treat them like a skivvy. My Dh respects the contribution I make to our home life, we share all finances equally and all decisions are made equally.

The Op's DH would probably be just as selfish and horrible if she was going out to work and earning £50K.

The elder children are my step kids and I can't tell them what to do

Only just caught this thread and havent read the whole thing but if you cant to discipline your step kids then cleaning up after them and doing their washing isnt your reponsibility either. They (the stepkids AND your DH cant have it both ways.

trib my DH is in a wheelchair too. But ive NEVER had to pick up wet towels off the floor or boxers either. he puts them straight in washbasket. And hes fab at sewing. Im shite with a needle and thread so he does it

Absolutely, Darkesteyes. I have no objection to doing the things he isn't able to do - washing up, for example. But I would hate it if he felt like the OP does, that his voice counted for less because he wasn't out earning money.

You sound so surrendered and that may be the issue you need to tackle first.

Just a few... That you can't discipline the DSC; that he works and you don't so he doesn't do housework or childcare; that DC has no statement so you have to HE.

If you can't discipline the DSC you won't be cleaning up after them. Either you are a parent or not. You are not their parent to clean and care and cook and teach and not to give chores to. They need chores, all children do. Either DH steps up and parents or you can.

DH works but he is not working 24/7. My two rules are equal leisure time and you treat the other person with respect. Pick your fucking towels and socks up, I am not your fucking servant.

You may have to channel your inner fire for the SEN. I worked in adult LD SS and I tell you that having a SEN as a child accesses services well into adulthood. Fight for it, tribunal if you must.