SAHM. Unappreciated and overworked

[arethereanyactualnamesleft]

I've namedchanged for this rant post (something which isn't as easy as it used to be!!!) and I know it's been done to death, but I am just so frustrated with the expectations my family have of me as a SAHM.

Don't get me wrong, I have loved being at home with the children while they were young, but I always assumed that I would go back to work once they were at school. Sadly, my DS has SN and is home educated (by me) so there is no way I could find paid work in the foreseeable future.

It just bugs me that everything gets left to me... My DH gets up, leaves his breakfast stuff / coffee cup wherever he finished with them, has a shower, leaves the shower wet and towels on the floor... when he comes in, he dumps dirty clothes in the basket and sits down. I make his dinner and then clean up after him. This happens with the children too.

If I go away (which I did last week, with the children), everything just piles up. I had to do 4 loads of HIS clothes when I got back, because he'd just kept on dumping clothes in the basket.

This isn't a rant against my DH... I do appreciate that this is my job, but it feels like I never enjoy stuff, I'm just constantly cleaning / sorting / tidying or looking after the kids.

It's like I have a 24hour a day job, with no holidays, but also zero recognition. It's not like I get any respect, the way a person would working out of the home.

Just ranting really.

Is it you that has the high standards of cleanliness or is it your dh holding you to them? If it's you, then relax them a bit - showers don't need cleaning everyday. If it's him, then that's a big problem.

You should be able to tell your step-dc to do things. It's bad for them to grow up doing sod-all round the house. You're an adult in a parental role - why do you have no say? Your dh should be supporting you - helping out should be part of family life.

You need to tackle your own attitude before you can tackle the attitude of the rest of the family. How on earth do you feel you don't deserve time off? Cleaning, cooking, educating are all significant responsibilities you take on and everyone deserves a break from responsibilities.

You are working very hard and you and dh need to work out a better way for you to get a rest too.

I know he wouldn't get a statement because he didn't get a statement Have been through the assessment process, he didn't get anything. But I know (and the school didn't disagree) that he needs support to access school.

I can't afford a tutor / 1-2-1 schooling for him, so there really isn't a choice but to do it myself.

I know this is my problem to solve. I just don't really know how to do it.

Yes, I'm afraid it's more to do with the fact that my DH would go mental if the house wasn't clean rather than my desire to clean the house everyday.

So he expects the house to be clean but won't do any of it himself?

Sounds like we are married to the same sort of man - my husband works very long hours and has a very high powered career but never cooks, picks up his socks, boxer shorts, towels or even empties the bin. I just feel like I'm on a treadmill. It's all so menial. I once complained and he went through everything I complained about and said how long it takes - ie pick up socks and put in laundry basket 30 seconds. He argued that if that was all I do all day then I'm lazy.

We have two children under 18 months and I get up every night and do everything, he sleeps on a different floor. People say I'm too soft on him but I just want some proper recognition and compliments. He always says thank you but that is just because he is polite, I can go all out and make a really special meal and then I can serve burnt potatoes and I still get the same thank you - so it's all a bit meaningless.

I feel your pain sorry to rant about my situation.

Oh, MrsMarigold - I know JUST what you mean.

My DH would do that (run through what I do each day and how long it should take etc) and how I must be a bit of a dimwit if it takes all day (you try doing it while looking after 2 kids - 13 months between ours, so am there with the two being so young) .

Mine also sleeps on a different floor and won't be happy if he is disturbed at night. (That said, he will get up with them if he has to, he just makes it completely obvious that he doesn't want to and shouldn't have to, what with working and all.)

I agree, it's so bloody menial. I don't mind doing it, I would just like someone to say 'Wow, thanks for that... I appreciate it' (which is what he expects me to say about him earning a wage... He would hate it if I just 'assumed' that is what should happen... hmm... maybe that's what I should do)

Yes, I'm afraid it's more to do with the fact that my DH would go mental if the house wasn't clean rather than my desire to clean the house everyday

AAAaaagggghhh. FFS look at what you would get if you divorced and how you would manage (then you would just have yourself and small DCs to clean after - doesn't that sound like bliss?)

You need to tackle your own attitude before you can tackle the attitude of the rest of the family

What BlingLoving says is the next issue.

So write a very clear list
1 What would happen and what would I get if we divorced (as that is the worst scenario of the outcome from this problem).Then when you find out from your research that life would be survivable on your own you are in a stronger position to deal with any anger or unreasonableness he dishes out when you start to instigate changes.
2 What else can I do, who else can I speak to, where do I find experts eg CAB to help with DS's education and entertainment. Also consider the future and his longterm needs.
3 Then you can look for work or know that in the future you might be able to look for work or that you cannot look for work because of his home educating and need to find another way of fulfilling your life's needs. But even a babysitter for a few hours a week might allow you to do something outside the home.
4Tell everyone they must pick up after themselves and that if they don't it will go in a black bin bag in the garage for them to retrieve later.
5STOP cleaning the shower every day. I clean mine about every 6 months and even then it's often just the bits that LOOK grubby.
6 Tell DH that you work all day too so when he comes home he must share any remaining jobs equally with you.
7 Learn to live with an untidy messy house, only clearing up after yourself and small DCs and if DH doesn't like it he needs to start picking up his crap and ensuring that his DCs pick up their crap too as you aren't going to.

Could go on for another page but won't. I was a SAHM and DH did buggar all, but was working away alot so difficult to enforce his share, but now realise I should have dropped standards and got myself a life, don't you make the same mistake as me, you only have one life.

Also, I went to work for a while FT and it was a dawdle compared to being a SAHM so don't fall for the 'I work hard for the family' shit as it isn't the same it is paid, it is fulfilling, it is rewarding and strokes their ego, and includes socialising and joking with colleagues etc
They need brought down to earth with a bump. They are too selfish and entitled to even notice that you are not really fulfilled or happy.

My cleaner costs 20 to. 30 pounds a week and is a life saver. If you are heing you are working. Make sure you get out the house every day, join he groups etc and get a cleaner!

am sorry you are in a rut arethere!

First eh SEN statement. Have you had a really good fight about it or just gone through the usual process? Not from personal experience but from working for a short time in a SEN statementing office, and knowing people with kids with SN you need to fight, fight, fight for that statement. You need to be a pain in the butt! My friend's child is severely dyslexic and 10 and she has only just got statemented after being ignored, rejected and all sorts! is madness. Sorry if you have done all this, and know this - I am sure you know more than I do, am just saying if it can help at all :)

Secondly, I have the same problems with my DH, which crop up every few months as he gets slack. I sort of see it that he thinks I am his mum and loses his sense of responsibility for himself in the home. But I am not his mum, I am his friend and his Wife and so he can show me respect and kindness by not expecting me to tidy up after him. He can also be an adult and pick up his own towel and socks and he always does his own washing (I did it wrong apparently but whatever )

It doesn't have to be a battle, just ask him to be kind and ALSO set an example for his children. I do not want DS (2.11) growing up thinking women tidy up after men and therefore be a lazy husband, so this cannot happen in my home :) He will see fairness though, which does mean that at as SAHM I do more tidying as DH goes out to work. Weekends are fair game (though TBH DH hides behind extra work then - but I don't waste it cleaning either)

don't martyr yourself, life is for living too!

Mrs Marigold

Did your Hs mother do everything for her husband as well, if so your H learnt some pretty damaging lessons from his own parents.

You cannot change him but you can and should certainly change how you react to him. You were not put on this earth to be his slave. Sleeping on different floors, how selfish and entitled is he to demand and get that?.

Where do you see yourself in all this and with regards to your H?.

What do you get out of this relationship with your H now?.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships here; that you as Mum is a skivvy to be put upon whilst he as Dad works all the hours god sends and is thus more "valued"?.

I home ed, am very very autonomous so we don't do lessons or any specific set aside 'educating' time. I was feeling like I didn't really do anything with my time, so (just for me, not to prove anything to someone else) I spent a day recording EVERYTHING I did. All the times I walked upstairs after my dd called, all the times I stopped in the middle of a job to look up the answer to a question or to spell something for her, all the conversations, all the times I did a bit of house work by myself, all the times I asked dd to do something (and how many times) and all the times I did something but it took longer because she was helping (so educational too!). Actually, based on the day I did it, I have very busy days, it just doesn't always look like it!

Would doing something like that over a few days help you to see how valuable the contribution you're making to the household is, both in time spent and the fact that if you didn't do those jobs someone else might need to be paid to, and help get to the point where you feel able to negotiate new house rules?

I once complained and he went through everything I complained about and said how long it takes - ie pick up socks and put in laundry basket 30 seconds. He argued that if that was all I do all day then I'm lazy.

What a dick.

What. a. dick.

HOW are you not boiling with rage at being treated like a skivvy, AND to have contempt heaped on you too?

OP/Mrs Marigold - why the fuck do you stay married to these arseholes?? They think of you as servants and brood mares for their children, not real people who are equal to them.

SAHM is in charge of the household. You are the manager of the house, not his maid. You can discuss policy between you, but you are in control of your workload and of delegating responsibility. All the children do as you say when it comes to housekeeping issues. So, it may not be up to you whether a step child has a facebook account, but it is up to you whether they set the table and clean the dishes.

Anyone who can't pick up after themselves is a childish twerp.

Wildrumpus - I know what you are saying about the statement, but I'm not prepared to go there. As far as I cna see, your child has to be seen to fail before help is offered.

This is not what I want for my child.

I want DH to understand that what I do is important too. It may be unpaid, but not everything in life can be valued in a monetary term.

My friend is married to a man that likes to sit on his arse and berate her housewifery and culinary skills. She works full time also and earns more money. These kind of people do not suddenly respect you because you earn. I think shes mad. She thinks im strange because i dont run round like she does after my dh. And I agree that they don't really see you as a person, certainly not equal to them anyway.

If it only takes 30 seconds to put socks away then why can't they do it? It's only 30 seconds after all. Either it is so easy to do its not even worth talking about in which case they can do it themselves or it is not so easy to do and therefore the person doing it deserves recognition for the time, skill and effort they are expending on the home/ family.

fair enough point (formerly arethere?!). I wish you much luck and hope your DH (and you!) sees how valuable you are soon!

ps. could he and you both work part time at all to solve the 'what you do is more important because it is paid' argument?! That's what we would like to do when all DCs are born and weaned! working=value is the pernicious protestant work ethic but it is, and always was, only a theory of how to be. it doesn't have to be true!

all the best.

Thanks - yeah.. got bored with namechanging!!

thanks,

The rule of thumb in our house is equal leisure time. DH used to work part time, and when he did the expectation was he would do what he could during his extra time at home, but once I got home (and at weekends) then what is left would be shared. if he wanted to do lots of social stuff during his non-working days, then he would pick up the slack at weekends. I think it is a good rule of thumb, but requires the person not at home to appreciate how much is feasible to do in a day (on top of childcare). It probably also requires similar standards. Now we both work similar hours (and have a cleaner!) we split stuff 50:50, but it does not mean that each task is split 50:50 if that makes sense. For example, I cook more than he does, but he clears up.

Also, even if he had the time to do it I would not go around dropping socks on the floor for him to pick up. That is disrespectful.

That only works to a point though, Wine...

If oth of you work, then both of you get to have a say... but if you don't work at all, and all you hear is 'well, what do you do?'... it dents your confidence.

If I ever make a point about it feeling unequal, I can be sure I will be hit with a tidal wave of 'what you don't do'. It's just not worth it. It's like I have to be better than perfect before I can ever make a point about how I feel.

I know this is something I personally have to change. I need to change my mindset on why this is even acceptable.

I hate to say it but your DH sounds pretty unpleasant point. Is there a positive element to your relationship?

If you look at being a SAHM as a job. Then I think it's fair that the parent that stays at home does nearly all the housework. That's not to say that people should make a mess or leave a mess for you to clean up. It must be very tiring to home educate. I certainly could never even begin to think about it. Is it not time to consider an alternative if everything is getting on top of you and you're not too happy with things.Because you are just simply never ever getting a break or a change of routine.

I want DH to understand that what I do is important too

Yeah, well the whole world 'knows' that what SAHM's do is important. DAvid Cameron 'knows', Mitt Romney 'knows', your family and friends 'know', your DH pretends like everyone else to 'know'.

I certainly DO know cos I did it for years but now I am sorry because it is unappreciated and un thanked and I would have been a happier mum if I had done things differently.

Sorry to nag but really your DH should want a happy partner and, though he probably doesn't know it yet, having an immaculate house (so he can pat himself on the back at how well he is doing and 'look what he has achieved') is not as important as a happy wife. Having a happy wife and mother in turn will result in happy DCs. Having a daily cleaned shower does not = happy DCs.

Certainly keeping a lovely home and garden can be rewarding but for me my home made me most happy when I walked in the door after the cleaner had been - bliss.

You need to think about what you want to make you happy, whatever that is, p/t job, support with DS's needs, and if it includes respect and help from DH and DCs then only you can put in place the changes which will result in that.
Now that will be hard work but you can do it if you really want to.

I think it's pretty worrying that you are keeping up unreasonable standards for fear of him 'going mental'. That's more than a lack of appreciation.