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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help me my marriage is in the gutter ......

32 replies

Mosschops30 · 30/03/2006 12:38

After months of things going wrong, nothing major, dh is a good dad, works hard etc. There are niggly things that annoy me, his total disrepect of my feelings (over argument with one of his friends), his parents lack of help even though we are struggling to pay childcare, his laziness, the fact he didnt get me a pressie from the kids for mothers day and said 'well you dont deserve one', his disgust at me being a student and not bringing home a 'proper' wage.
Last night we talked about divorce, neither of us seeing any other way out. He wont try relate and is unwilling to see my point of view about things because if I say 'you were rude to me' he just fires back 'well you were rude to me'!
I'm just so upset, I am not ready to be a single parent, I cant handle sharing the kids on Xmas and Birthdays, I know he will fight me for them and the house and I dont know what I am entitled to. I still love him and there is no-one else involved.
Just wondered if anyone could help Sad

OP posts:
Feistybird · 30/03/2006 12:40

This is all so sad - just seems to boil down to lack of communication.....

Have you told him you love him?

Have you asked if he still loves you?

Can you get a night out together?

CountessDracula · 30/03/2006 12:42

Not sure about blaming him for his parents lack of help.

Why is he disgusted at you being a student? Was it something you both agreed on you doing?

What bothers you the most? Could you try writing down everything and then trying to work on the issues one by one?

Lasvegas · 30/03/2006 12:43

sorry things are not great I read something years ago and try to practice it as it aids discussiions. Don't say You were rude' instead try I felt that what you said was rude. It is all about feelings not blame and hoepfully won't put people on the defensive. To try and give you perspective I woulld like to say his parents lack of help is separate to him and he cannot be blamed.

CountessDracula · 30/03/2006 12:45

I mean with him

eg say - look I know we can't see eye to eye at the moment but we need to sort this and I still love you, think you still love me, so let's wipe the slate clean by airing all our grievances with each other (write them down, don't start talking or you will end up in a slanging match!) then look at each other's grievances and try and put yourselves in each other's shoes and see how they see it rather than thinking defensively.

Then try and work out how you can sort each out. EG maybe you could be p/t student and work p/t. Or you could make him see that if you stick at it you would be finished sooner and earning a proper wage sooner.

Re the lack of money, could you go interest only on the mortgage until your studies are finished (if you have a mortgage)

Re the friend, can't comment as I don't know the argument, but is it really worth falling out with your dh about? Can't you just let it lie?

etc

throckenholt · 30/03/2006 12:45

are you sure you want to split up ? Or are you just struggling with having young kids ? That always puts a strain on a relationship.

You won't be a student forever - presumably at some stage you will bring home a "proper wage".

Accept that you have both probably said and done things that in hindsight were not the best - but move on from that.

Write down a list of all the positive things about being together and all the negative, get him to do the same - and then agree to work through the lists together. Agree to say you can't deal with talking about a given issue, save that till later and work on through the rest. See how much common ground you have, and where you can compromise.

If at the end of that you still think divorce is the best option, at least you both know you tried, and maybe will have a good basis for making it an amicable split.

Eg - what his parents do or don't do is not really something he has control over - or you - so accept it and don't bother wasting time and energy and emotion getting upset about it.

Good luck.

Creole · 30/03/2006 12:46

Sorry, I don't think I've come across anyone who's 'ready' to be a single parent. I believe people's circumstances are the deciding factor.

Also, I wouldn't stay in a relationship because I'm scared of being a single parent.

Not being constructive but this gets my goat as a happy and successful single parent.

Original poster
Mosschops30 · 30/03/2006 12:47

No youre probably right about the parents thing. It is a total lack of communication but we cant talk, and I end up feeling like everything is my fault and feel like i'm saying 'oh yes its all me' and I'll change, but I really need him to change too.
Yes me being a student was something we discussed for years and its very important to me, but he doesnt see it as a proper job even though I work for my degree (student nurse). I know he struggles paying for childcare even though he earns great money its still £500pm extra and we cant get any help with that.
I am just so scared for the children, its not as if we have major screaming rows or he abuses me in any way, so they're not coming to any harm by us being together.
I want to make things better but without rolling over and doing everything his way

OP posts:
Tortington · 30/03/2006 12:52

how old are the kids?
how long does your nursing degree have to go?

Original poster
Mosschops30 · 30/03/2006 12:54

Kids are 1 and 9.
Have 2 years left on my degree, it is very important to me and I am not willing to give it up and he knows that. I contribute exactly the same to household expenses as I did when I worked full time in an office, so I havent asked him to take anything extra on

OP posts:
CountessDracula · 30/03/2006 12:56

Can he get childcare vouchers from work? That would save a bit

Original poster
Mosschops30 · 30/03/2006 12:56

No, because of the amount he earns we get no provison for childcare from anyone

OP posts:
Tortington · 30/03/2006 13:28

often its the language you use in a discussion that gets you somewhere. i kow i am stating the obvious but its so bloody obvious that we often times dont do it
so for instance in my house it would go " you were rude to me!"
"yeah, well you were rude to me!!!!"
"your right, i was i'm sorry, i like your bum"
" i like your bum too"
"good, are you sorry too?"
" yes"

also, keep your voice at a calm tone.
and sit down with a pen and paper and make a plan.

take 5 mins to write down the things that are pissing you off the most. these will come to mind easily in 5 minutes.

discuss each others in turn and have a solution column or a what have we concluded/decided column

this is so after you have talked about something for half hour and you both feel happy about it you dont just leave it with no clear resolution/solution

then make plans for future. and include fun things.

so for instance

in 2 years time i will be earning a nurses wage of £ xxxxx

you will be earning £xxxxx

that gives us an extra of £xxxxx

oldest kid will be 11
youngest 3

we save the extra money for another 2 years until youngest is in full time education and oldest is in secondary.

by that time we will have £xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

and we will go on fab holiday to....

arrange to go on holiday by ourselves to ...

set something nice to aim for in the future.

and dont forget to tell him he has a nice bum

he cant see it - and its a nice thing to say.

Original poster
Mosschops30 · 30/03/2006 13:34

custardo thanks for that, I am sitting here crying reading your message. You are so right, but I'm not sure he will even be willing to write things down to dicuss but I will put the idea forward.
It just seems such a waste of a marriage when there is nothing serious like abuse/serious money problems/infidelity

OP posts:
anniemac · 30/03/2006 13:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CountessDracula · 30/03/2006 13:38

Mosschops everyone can use the childcare vouchers you don't have to be on a low income.

Tortington · 30/03/2006 13:41

ooh don't cry i'll cry too then shout at my dh for being a bstard wehen he comes home ( for no reason) and completely ignore my own advice!

kama · 30/03/2006 13:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
Mosschops30 · 30/03/2006 14:21

i agree .....all hail custardo. Maybe we should frame that message for all to see Smile
can someone tell me about the childcare vouchers then, who do you get them from and where do I phone

OP posts:
CountessDracula · 30/03/2006 14:29

www.childcarevouchers.co.uk

His firm have to do it

FrayedKnot · 30/03/2006 14:33

Mosschops childcare vouchers are arranged through your (or your DH's employer). There are several schemes e.g. BusyBees and Accor.

You have to take part of your wages as childcare vouchers, on what is called a "salary sacrifice" scheme. You then don;t pay any tax on the vouchers. However, this does affect certain things like your pension & other benefits, so you need to look carefully at it.

You also have to make sure your childcare provider accepts the vouchers.

Sorry about your probs.

Original poster
Mosschops30 · 30/03/2006 14:34

i dont understand it from the website. Do the firm have to pay anything then? How much would we get, how is it worked out.
So many questions I know but would like to have something to tell dh maybe to make things easier

OP posts:
Original poster
Mosschops30 · 30/03/2006 14:35

we use a childminder so not sure if they would accept, she likes to be paid by cheque once a month

OP posts:
FrayedKnot · 30/03/2006 14:37

You can have up to £50 a week. It's not means tested, or variable from scheme to scheme, it's the same for everyone.

Your childminder would have to register with the scheme provider, and would be paid directly by them.

Original poster
Mosschops30 · 30/03/2006 14:39

so it doesnt cost his employer anything then? He pays a lot of tax as earns 35k a year. So he pays the same amount in childcare but that portion of his wages is tax free is that right? So the saving isnt massive I guess.
He just phoned and sounds reasonably upbeat, I sent him a txt earlier saying I hoped we could work things out and he said he'd got it and we'd chat later

OP posts:
anniemac · 30/03/2006 14:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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