Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

New boyfriend has just made me nearly cry...

76 replies

karelomen · 30/10/2012 09:42

I have been seeing a new guy for a month, we have fallen in love and I'm having a lovely 'new' time with him..

This morning we were in bed and he said that he has a female friend who is like an honorary sister to him as all of her family have sadly died, (she has a husband etc) anyway she said that, 'a thought's just crossed my mind that I'm nervous for you to meet her because I really respect her opinion and she may say 'oh whatever floats your boat', (referring to me)

He was implying that her and I might not get on which is weird because I get on with everyone.

I don't know why, but this comment hurt me a lot, I have come home and am sat here nearly in tears.

He apologised for ruining the atmosphere and asked me to forgive him but it was stuck in my throat.

He then asked if I had any friends who would voice their reservations to protect me and I just said that they wouldn't judge and they would just be happy that I'm happy. (which is true and normal I think)

Anyway no-one knows what two people have, it's between those two people.

Anyone think this is a bad sign? Thanks for reading

OP posts:
ChippingInLovesAutumn · 30/10/2012 13:35

I'd simply text him saying 'I wont be over tonight, other things I need to do, will be in touch later in the week'.

Dahlen · 30/10/2012 13:46

The only further thing I'd add is that if you start being plagued by doubts and angst this early on, it probably isn't love and is unlikely to work out. At this stage everything should still be wonderful. The fact that it isn't is a major red flag IMO, regardless of whether what he said is in itself a red flag.

sarahseashell · 30/10/2012 14:55

I agree with chipping - you don't need to explain to him by text just take the space you need and have a break from him - don't rise to it but do take some time to decide if he's the man for you

TheNorthWitch · 30/10/2012 15:02

He could be setting you up to fail - having to meet the standards of the incredibly wise all knowing girlfriend, always sensitive to her reactions and jumping through hoops to please her (and indirectly him) - quite a weapon to use on someone's self esteem I think! I would take a step back, slow down and really pay attention to what this guy does/says. Allowing your feelings of love to sweep you along and disregard areas of concern is unwise and you could end up with your confidence ripped to shreds - be very careful.

It's been a month and you are crying and upset already - not good or healthy IMO.

ClippedPhoenix · 30/10/2012 15:08

Falling in love after a month is a bit rushed huh?

He sounds like a bit of a dick to be honest OP.

mummyonvalium · 30/10/2012 15:10

OP - you will never know until you meet her what she thinks and it sounds like he is just very bad with words. DH's best friend is female and disliked his ex completely and I was also warned that she was a bit awkward with people she did not know - this made me feel really nervous about meeting her.

They have known each so long I assumed that he had a bit of a soft spot for her - when I met her I realised how wrong I was. She is lovely, warm and accepting and probably has something to do with the reason he became my DH.

Original poster
karelomen · 30/10/2012 20:42

Thanks so much for all of your replies, I really appreciate the help really do.

So I spent the day ignoring his texts/ emails whilst I spent time with mutually nourishing friends, making sense of stuff and just being light.

Tonight he invited me out with mutual friends and some of his friends whom I've never met, I couldn't beleive he didn't acknowledge how I might be feeling.

I rang him and asked to talk having done Cognitive behaviour therapy technique of asking myself what the worst that could come of this and finding that I would have found out at a very opportune time in our relationship that were not for each other. So not the end of the world in fact a big favour.

I called him on each of the things he said and how he has made it all weird and created some kinf weird triangle with a girl who is probably as oblivious to the weird workings of his mind as I am, with him at the center of it.

He started by apolagising and saying that it sounded exaggerated he wishes he'd never said anything I told him I was glad that he did because it gives me an honest picure of where he's coming from.

He has many female friends and he talks with them about sex (he is interested in sex and relationships) (probably because he's so fucked up about them)

I told him that I will never be able to deal with that and I need him to know that as soon as we start.

He said he will stop it if it upsets me and said that these friendships have always been platonic and have given him some energy during his long singledom.

I told him I don't want him to change on my account better that he is with someone that will be happy for him to have these kinds of conversations with a multitude of female friends

We left it at 'will you stay tonight' I didnt respond and he just said 'well you know where I am'

Feel better, but still Hmm

OP posts:
BandersnatchCummerbund · 30/10/2012 20:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChippingInLovesAutumn · 30/10/2012 20:53

I'm confused.

He talks to these female friends about sex & relationships and gets energy from them Hmm

He says he'll stop for you.

You say you don't want him to change for you.

Seems to me like this would be The End... but it's not?! So he's going to keep doing what makes you unhappy, or is he going to 'change for you'?

... and are you going out with him tonight or not?

I thought you were going to say - 'So that's the end of that' and I was going to say 'I think you are well rid actually'.

UltraBOF · 30/10/2012 20:58

You sound like you have pretty healthy boundaries (or at least try to). He doesn't.

I think this relationship will drain you.

carlywurly · 30/10/2012 21:10

Totally agree with UltraBOF.

This all sounds like way too much hard work for one month in. It's sad for him that he has issues from his past, but I'd steer clear until he has resolved them or is able to manage them in a way which doesn't make you uncomfortable (ie discussing your sex life with any female he chooses.)

I'd be cutting my losses at this stage, tbh.

MyDonkeysAZombie · 30/10/2012 21:12

I was worried when I started reading this that you were in too deep too soon but in your post 20:42:37 you sound more clued up and capable. Whatever you decide regarding this man I think you are able to stand up for yourself but at what cost?

If you do stick with him remember you can analyse and be crystal clear about what makes him tick, but guard against letting yourself be played. It's your life but I'm not convinced he is going to be as open as you'd like and suspect he's going to keep you on your toes. Are you sure this isn't going to feel like hard work?

ImperialBlether · 30/10/2012 22:15

First of all, on any thread on MN where people say "When did you know you were in love with your husband/partner?" virtually everyone says "within a day/week/month" so it's not odd that the OP thinks she's in love with her boyfriend.

Having said that, OP, he sounds a complete twat. I laughed at "his long singledom" because, honestly, I can see exactly how it happens. How many of us would be happy to have a boyfriend who talks about sex with female friends and who tells his girlfriend that he's worried about these girls' opinions of her? Most would tell him to fuck off.

Send him a message saying, "Sorry, won't be calling round. I've suddenly and quite explicably gone off you."

HissyByName · 30/10/2012 23:30

"I have been seeing a new guy for a month, we have fallen in love"

You see, ^^ that was where your problem started.

You don't know this guy, and you're 'in love' already?

Slow down, back up a bit and stop worrying about how others think of you. Look at who they are and see if they are good enough for YOU!

Listen to your instincts.

DaveMccave · 31/10/2012 00:09

I think the first comment could have meant a multitude of things. Yes it could have meant he was manipulating you both, cared more about her opinion, etc etc

But just as equally it could have just been a clumsy way of saying he hopes his bf doesn't realise HOW important you are to him. That this isn't just a random fling, he hopes she notices that when she meets you. It sounds like a clumsy compliment to me, and it's been blown out of all proportion on this board and even warning signs of abuse, as usual.

Yes, we should note 'flags' in new relationships, and this COULD be one, but I very much doubt it is.

His openness about how close he is with female friends, could just as well be beacuse he has very low self esteem, he's found it difficult to have male friends, and having female friends boosts his ego, and he see's it as a good thing about him because he's more in touch with his feminine side. He would be even more harping on about this if he's been single for a while I think.

DaveMccave · 31/10/2012 00:10

But also, agree with the last poster. You can't fall in love in a month?! You can fall infatuation, and it can blend in to love, but it should take a lot longer than that. Be careful.

DaveMccave · 31/10/2012 00:12

he hopes his bf DOES realise how important you are, my first post should say...

AThingInYourLife · 31/10/2012 00:26

I agree with DaveMccave

"Essentially, he's just said that he values her more than you"

Um, let's hope he does value a lifelong friend he thinks of as a sister more highly than a girlfriend he's had for a few weeks.

And if he values his friends' opinions of new girlfriends, that would make him sensible.

blueemerald · 31/10/2012 01:06

OP, I'm in a very similar situation to you, but as the female friend. If it wasn't for you mentioning a husband I would think you were talking about me! My (male) best friend and I were together for 8 years (we're 26) and broke up 6 weeks ago. To say we are close just doesn't cover it. I love him deeply, and I know he loves me, we know each other inside out and back to front but there is no lust/passion there (part of the reason we broke up). He has started seeing someone else and we have talked about the fact that he is not looking forward to having to 'explain' our relationship to her. We see each other 2-3 times a week, he says I will always be one of this top priorities. He doesn't think she'll understand how we can be so close without any romantic intentions. She'll probably be annoyed too, and I don't blame her.

I hope he doesn't balls it up the way your boyfriend has. Would you be so worried if it was a male friend whose opinion was so important to him? I would ease off at this point and see how it goes. If they wanted to be together they would have had plenty of chances by this point in life. 4 weeks is not a long time, just enjoy getting to know each other and worry about meeting friends/family later.

HeinousHecate · 31/10/2012 09:08

Am I reading right? He likes to talk about sex with his female friends to - how did you put it? - sustain him during periods of singledom?

Urgh

iamwhaticallpregnant · 31/10/2012 09:23

I think what he said was actually very manipulative and he was actually trying to make you jealous. Dont let him manipulate u.
I had a bf who at the beginning out of nowhere said he had a female friend who might feel awkward hanging out with him now that we were together. I asked y? He said no reason. This made me crazy jealous of her (what i think he wanted) and after months and months he admitted he had slept with her before.

ChooChooLaverne · 31/10/2012 09:34

I would be very wary. If he's manipulative, he might be trying to unsettle you, to pave the way for you to be wary and insecure around his friends, for whatever reason. So he can keep you in your place perhaps? So that you try and win his affection/approval? So that he can keep this particular friendship separate from you (which of course may have nothing to do with the female friend in question who may be oblivious).

I had an ex who did this and I did begin to feel quite paranoid around some of his friends, even though I'd got on quite well with them when we first met. He would casually mention about how one of them had said something mean about me. I got quite upset about it initially. Then I thought if it was true why would he even tell me this? There would be no need really. I began to wonder whether he'd made the whole thing up so he could keep his friends and me in separate compartments. Or just to undermine my confidence.

Anyway, I decided that he was either making up stories or just trying to hurt me. I didn't want to be with someone who did either of these things.

Original poster
karelomen · 31/10/2012 19:05

Thanks again for your advice, he has told me he will stop this kind of emailing and that he didn't mean to make it sound so exaggerated I have got his card marked though and am spending today and tonight away, just to deal with my feelings. Though I don't feel particularly upset as I did when I started this thread I do have a more watchful eye over the proceeding few weeks.
I am abit pissed off with myself for seeming jealous when in actual fact Im just coming from a very different model of monogamy than he is.

I said that him talking other women like this is stoking the fires so that if we end he will have rescuing arms to run into.

Bit disillusioned tonight I shall wait and see and let you all know, thanks again for all your help and points of view

OP posts:
JustFabulous · 31/10/2012 19:10

If he knew his own mind he woudn't care what anyone else thought. He wants her approval a bit too much imo.

Wilding · 01/11/2012 03:30

You're taking a very sensible view of all this, well done. It sounds like he might not have very clear boundaries when it comes to relationships so being cautious sounds like the right way to go.

Swipe left for the next trending thread