New boyfriend has just made me nearly cry...

[karelomen]

I have been seeing a new guy for a month, we have fallen in love and I'm having a lovely 'new' time with him..

This morning we were in bed and he said that he has a female friend who is like an honorary sister to him as all of her family have sadly died, (she has a husband etc) anyway she said that, 'a thought's just crossed my mind that I'm nervous for you to meet her because I really respect her opinion and she may say 'oh whatever floats your boat', (referring to me)

He was implying that her and I might not get on which is weird because I get on with everyone.

I don't know why, but this comment hurt me a lot, I have come home and am sat here nearly in tears.

He apologised for ruining the atmosphere and asked me to forgive him but it was stuck in my throat.

He then asked if I had any friends who would voice their reservations to protect me and I just said that they wouldn't judge and they would just be happy that I'm happy. (which is true and normal I think)

Anyway no-one knows what two people have, it's between those two people.

Anyone think this is a bad sign? Thanks for reading

I'd agree that he doesn't like you enough.

Friend's opinions should not matter that much. And if they did, he should not mention it, really.

You might want to tell him that you would love to meet his friends, but won't be subjected to their approval.
So, you are walking out yourself.

If you do send him a text along those lines, I would make it more direct. Your draft is vague: referring to "what you said earlier", and needing "a bit of space". I don't think it puts you in a strong position.

Maybe something more like: "I am upset that you are afraid of X's opinion of me. I need to know that you like me for me, and that this is not contingent on X's approval."

to be fair to this friend, there is no indication at all that she is a bitch in any way. Nothing he's said indicates she's a bitch. It seems to be all about him and his feelings

It seems weird to me. At best it's thoughtless - why would you want to hear all about how wonderful he thinks another woman is? - at worst there is something going on between them and/or he is playing games with you.

I wouldn't go sending texts about how hurt and upset you are, it makes you seem weak and needy. This is a new relationship, he should not have that much power over you emotionally.

Proceed with caution though.

What HOTdamnlifeisgood said. You need to spell it out why you are unhappy and start as you mean to go on. Also, this relationship is very new and I'm sorry that you are feeling that you have to get away to put some space between you at this early stage. I would keep control and do your uni work, housework can always wait.

Tell him when you have had time that you would be happy to meet his friends but wouldn't like it to be an uneasy atmosphere so you would rather wait a while before you meet them. That's what I would do.

I think he's probably just put it very clumsily that he has a close relationship with her and respects her opinion and nothing more than that.

If they have been close friends for years, then if something was going to happen between them, it would already have happened, so I don't think you need to worry on that score.

I have a close male friend and despite the fact I'm married with children, his wife acts like a complete arse around me as she is jealous of our friendship, even though we have no romantic or other interest in each other at all. It makes things unecessarily difficult.

I think it sounds like he is at least carrying a torch for her. So at best he has a crush on a married woman, at worst they are having some sort of emotional affair - and you are about to get dragged into lots of game-playing either way.

I don't think the OP feels hurt because she thinks there is something happening between the man and the female friend. I think it's the implication that, if the friend doesn't take to the OP ('whatever floats your boat'), the boyfriend feels that he has to trust her judgement because of this idea that she's protecting him. It's bad enough, as a new g/f when you meet the mother for the first time & you know it's an informal vetting procedure. But, even then, you'd hope that your boyfriend would have the nuts to stand up to mummy.

For such a reaction, however, I think there must be more things to make the OP feel uncomfortable than have been admitted here.

If I were in this situation, I would want to meet her as soon as possible and get it over with....

Then at least I could get on with my own life, with or without him.

What's the point of dragging it out?

So... he has a long term best friend whose opinion he values, he's known for a long time.

You've been together a month...

... you do sound a bit "choose me, choose me".

TBH if a month long girlfriend started getting all angsty about my friends - after a month, before she's even met them? Red flag for controlling.

If you ask for space, be happy with how much you get.

I'd meet her and make my own judgement. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

It's not the OP with the angst really.
He seems the one agonising over it.

She's not 'getting all angsty'... he is! 'a thought's just crossed my mind that I'm nervous for you to meet her because I really respect her opinion... etc' The OP didn't even know this person existed until he 'nervously' mentioned it.

I think your boyfriend sounds extremely manipulative.

He's setting you up for a conflict with his friend that only exists in his head. I expect he is doing something similar to her, making out that he's got concerns because you dislike him having female friends.

So when you meet, you'll both be wary of eachother.

If you send that text, you will have walked straight into that trap.

I think he likes the idea of two women at war with one another and placing himself at the centre of his own drama.

Instead of feeling antagonistic towards a woman who is probably lovely and would have no reason to dislike you - or you her - consider that she might be as much a victim of your boyfriend's manipulation as you are.

I agree with BethFairbright on this, he sounds like he's playing with his toys here.

I'm also concerned about the comment regarding interests - he's always disappointed that his mate and him don't share the same interests. Why is this even relevant? It sounds like the start of a sentence, eg. "I'm always so disappointed that we don't share any interests, because if we did, we would have the BEST relationship EVER..."

Do you and him share interests now? If you do, I wonder what would happen if your interests changed?

Yes it's a bit unfair to paint this as the OP getting 'angsty' because her boyfriend has a friend who happens to be female. That's not really what her problem is.

I would still think it was weird if it was a male friend, or a relative, that he was talking about like this.

If I was in your position the text would go more like this:

Thought what we have is pretty damn good, but I'm not prepared to hang around to see if I meet with your friend's approval - so if this is the case from your viewpoint - jog on

This is all a bit odd.

I value the opinions of my friends and family. If they told me they didn't like a new partner of mine, I wouldn't necessarily call things off on their say so, but I would listen to their concerns and ask myself if they were based on valid reasons. After all, no one knows you like your friends and family and if you can't rely on them to look out for you, who can you? The sign of an emotionally mature relationship (romantic or familial) is the ability to be honest (though not critical) with each other. Any fool can tell you what you want to hear.

OTOH, even if I had concerns about what one of my friends would say about a partner, I wouldn't tell my partner that because I wouldn't want to make them uncomfortable or stress about the meeting. The exception may be if I knew that my friend may have invalid issues and I was trying to explain to my partner that said friend might be a bit standoffish or critical but that this was said friend's problem and not something that he (i.e. partner) should be worried by. A good example would be if a new partner had a career that another friend disapproved of in some way.

TBH if I was that concerned that my friends wouldn't like my partner before introducing them, then I would be wondering why and considering that maybe the new partner wasn't right for me. If I have good friends and choose a good partner, because I am me and they all like me for who I am, then it stands to reason that they should have enough common ground to get on. I'd be asking him why he thinks his friend wouldn't like you and the answer would very much determine what I would do next.

You say you're in love after only a month (presume you me recently and weren't friends before), it all sounds overly intense, and agree with others that he sounds inconsiderate at best, or manipulative.

By saying "you're different" followed immediately by praise of her he basically criticised you.

If you're giving him the benefit of the doubt, probably best to act breezy about meeting her and any other friends, be friendly etc, and spend limited time with him to allow you time for your own stuff and to get to know him etc.

I would just ignore it (a little).

Send him a breezy text about all the shagging you' e just done. And about how you'd like to do lots more with and to him.

When you see him again get going, then stop and ask him if he thinks his best friend would approve.

In my early twenties I went out with two men who were v concerned about what their friends thought of me, and also went on about how important their mates were etc. Both times it turned out they were self-absorbed and "weren't that into" me. Wish had known how to read the signs (there were others)!

OMC just replace female friend with mother, best mate, brother, work colleagues etc and it is just as concerning. The bf may be keeping OP in her place, setting up a situation where she is never quite good enough, but that's ok because he warned her what the situation is going to be.

Add the fact that it is a female friend into the mix and it's also possible he is flattering himself with the idea of two women fighting over him

OP yes, this is a warning sign.

I may be a warning sign - my DP had a female freind who went around with him and another bloke. She did all she could to keep 'her' guys away from other women, (whilst going out with whomever she liked) - from demanding to spend all free time with them, (thus not allowing them to see others,) to draping herself over them when talking to women, to calling me a f*ing Bitch behind my back and claiming that I've done/said stuff that I hadn't.

But then again, my soon-to-be husband had friends who made no secret of the fact that they disliked me, and it made no difference to him. They got geadually dropped tho.

The woman friend has done nothing wrong. The OP hasn't even met her.

All this has come from an arch manipulator who knows the OP is a bit vulnerable because after only month she thinks she is 'in love'.

He wouldn't try this stunt with someone who had high self esteem and was a bit more savvy about relationships. I think he's correctly identified some insecurities in the OP's psyche and is manipulating them.

... you do sound a bit "choose me, choose me".

I'm sorry but this is bullshit ^

HE brought it up. HE started banging on about friend's wisdom and opinion blah blah blah.

Send your text OP though I agree that you should make it more direct. Then ignore him for a while.

I'm sorry, but this guy sounds like a limp lettuce & a bit nasty with it too...

Basically he has said 'You are very different than x - I really like x, x is cool, x is wonderful, I respect x' - so by defaut he feels none of those things apply to you and on top of that he's set you up to be 'wary' of this 'friend' and 'be on your best behaviour', to 'be prepared to be judged' and that's just nasty.

It's one thing to value a friends opinion after they have met a new partner, it's quite another to be thinking she won't like you and basically telling you that you'd be dumped if she didn't - regardless of why.

He's a twat & I wouldn't have anymore to do with him - sorry.

I think you should go to family/friends & take uni stuff with you - the rest can wait. Go & recharge your batteries, have some breathing space and be loved by people who know and love you for who you are.