Relationship with my stepchildren is over and I need some advice, sad situation all 'round really...

[ScarahScreams]

Very long back story, of course, but to be as brief as possible and not out anyone involved here - here goes. SC are a Man and Woman now just turned legal "adult age". I suppose this is cathartic for me to write this all out for the first time, but I would also really welcome any advice from anyone who has been through similar or if you are a SC who eventually warmed to your SM after years of difficulty. I feel so utterly low about it all really.

I met DH after his separation and both him and their M made new lives with new partners quite rapidly. I, we, have always had v regular contact and paid above and beyond what any CSA would dictate. DH spent time alone with them, tried over 10 years not to rock any boats, never reproached them for their behavior as we ventured into teenage years (I see the huge mistakes we made now). I have genuinely been only kind to them, tried to be a friend, a listening ear, ignored the really horrible treatment, made all the excuses that they were children of divorce and it must have been hard. Reality is they got everything they wanted, we welcomed them with open arms and just got insulted and hatred. This x100 after I had DD but that's a whole thread in itself...

I have never, ever been given a kind work from them in 10 years. Just realised that today. They blew hot and cold with DD 6 who adores them. The last time SS came to visit (he wanted something we had in the house) he was actually horrible to her. DH and I witnessed this treatment of an innocent child and finally said no more.

I have said to DH that I don't want myself or DD to have any contact anymore, in the present circs. I have had 10 years but can't take the negativity and hatred from them bleeding into my daughter. We don't see them much anyway but it's sort of the last straw for his to be so vile to her in front of us both - he is a grown man now. The first time in 10 years I made a stand and unless I have an apology and change of behavior I am not seeing either of them again. DH is so very broken and we just don't know what on earth we have done, why we have always been the bad guys despite their Mother making a new life in the same way. He feels that whatever he says he is told what a crap father he is and that I am always around but he had been desperate to have a good relationship with them - they reject him for 10 years. I wonder if that is it or if there is hope for the future.

Well there are downsides at getting together with various people. I just thought it would work out eventually with time. Anyway, I appreciate everyone's helpful comments to me.

Oh to answer piprabbit question no he didn't pull SS up on what he did to DD. I was v upset about that. But we/ I / he will make it known before the next visit that that will not be tolerated again.

I may have missed something, but if the final catalyst was observing your stepson's behaviour towards your daughter, why have you cut off his sister as well? I appreciate that in your view she has also behaved badly in the past, but if you hadn't confronted her and ceased contact with her before this incident with her brother, I think she's entitled to feel aggrieved and hurt.

There's also no sense from your posts that either you or your husband have told his children about your intentions, or how you feel. Is one of you going to do that?

I agree with aiming for a middle ground here, between being a punchbag and living in splendid isolation from two people your husband is meant to love unconditionally.

I agree that if your stepchildren believe that your husband 'abandoned' their mother (just focusing on their belief rather than what might be the truth) and they've had to live with uncomfortable feelings about your age-gap relationship, this must have caused some turmoil.

If you can find it in your heart to forgive yourself for your naivety at 21, I hope you can understand some of your stepchildren's motivations, if not their behaviour. I also think your husband is mostly responsible for tolerating unboundaried and rude behaviour; it's weak parenting that seems to be borne out of guilt. So it might be worth considering what he feels guilty about, as you don't seem to have any clues about that.

I would suggest that your husband asks them to visit and that you have a family meeting in which you get to play an equal part. He should make it very clear that you both love them (if that is, you do) but that love means boundaries and challenging selfish or inconsiderate behaviour. He should let them air their feelings too and put them straight on any misconceptions they have picked up. It's never too late to agree family ground rules.

There was an incident with my SD as well but it's too outing to describe it.
I would love a family meeting and hope they would agree to it some time in the future it's a great suggestion.

I wouldn't have thought an eight-year-old would think a 21 year old was a 'really young' wife for their DF. Perhaps if they were told that 21 is an unsuitable age for someone their DF's age and heard disparaging comments they might think that.

If the SDCs are about to leave home then it is a good opportunity for OP to help with the move or ferrying to and from new digs etc What's happening at their 18th party. Are you arranging to take them out somewhere? Do you know what their plans for the future are, surely they need some support or has DSF bought them cars, arranged new digs, gives them an allowance?

Is the SF pushing your DH out/taking his place?

my observations

1. stop beating yourself up. its mad to see this all as your fault. You have said that you were not allowed any parenting decisions.

2)Do you have any other experience of teenagers? as a parent of 2 of them and a college lecturer i have news for you if you choose to take all of this personally

3. I have a nearly 5 year old as well. The 15 year old will be mean to her sometimes. She is the precious baby of the family and this sometimes gets on her nerves

4. Life is not black and white. To cut all contact seems wrong, especially in light of the half sibling relationship

5. a friend of ours had a very difficult relationship with his children due to separation. he seems innocent of blame (but appreciate we only have his view). On their 18th birthdays he wrote them a letter saying he loved them, the door was always open but it was for them now to contact him as and when they wanted. He would not "chase " them anymore.

hopespringy yes. totally. That is exactly what has been done.

I think no. 5 Is where we are headed aviva. I think that is healthy. I said to DH last night that what I wanted to say if I could is that they are welcome here with open arms if they can treat me with at least respect (they don't have to like me that's fine I understand) and to DD at least kindness as she is their sister, idolises them, and has done nothing wrong.

I have lots of hope that things will change in time after reading people's experiences on here. However I have made a firm decision not to be treated like shit anymore. The worm has turned so to speak...

I disagree that an eight year old wouldn't have picked up on how young the SM is, and a 12 year old certainly would. As they got older it would only have become more apparent/embarrassing. In all truth, I don't know how I'd have handled a 31 year old SM at age 22, probably not very well.

I'm not articulating myself very well, but I just find your proposed actions to be horrible and I'm surprised your DH is OK with it. But then you haven't said what beastly thing they've done.

Cant see how I am horrible but you are entitled to your opinion. It's very hard to get the full story from a thread and I accept that.

I have a stepmother who was a similar age to you when she got together with my father, I was about 11. Then when I was 13 they had my half brother so my situation sounds similar. I have no contact with my father and haven't done for coming up to twenty years. Not a week or probably a day goes by without me wondering why my father wrote me off, only this morning my ds caught me crying while listening to professor green on the radio because of this.

I think you have been put in a very difficult situation and with hindsight could possibly managed the situation differently. However this is where you are now and what you can do is think very carefully about how you proceed. I think it would be very wrong to head towards avivabeaver's option 5. Your DH is the adult in the relationship, regardless of the children being 18, 28, 38 or 48 and therefore it is his responsibility to ensure that the door isn't just left open but a sodding taxi picks them up and drops them at the door. It sounds like they've been vile - I was vile, it's horrible being caught up in the middle of a divorce as a child and you don't always act in the 'right' way. What you should be working towards is the point when you SC's turn around to you one day and say 'God, we were horrible weren't we'.

Put your foot down regarding anything they do that you don't like in the same way that you will when your DD is older. Don't be a pushover, don't give them the power but do carry on. Do make sure your DH rings them for a chat, sends the odd text, invites them for lunch, Christmas, whatever. If they don't come, well fine, they're teens that's what teens do. They need to know that they are loved. Don't call a 'family meeting'. Just be normal and wait for them to grow up. Also don't expect them to feel bonded to your DD. I used to be put in the same bedroom as my half brother and expected to enjoy it, whereas he was just this little kid who was annoying. Now he's also a grown man and we something of a relationship, facebook, occasional meet ups where we get on and have a laugh.

Btw I'm not saying you or your DH are to blame here at all, but your SC are still children, your DH is the only father they have please don't give up on them.

Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.

I cannot imagine why anyone would think not chastising a child would be good at all!!

But you can change it, right this minute.

I think the easy thing to say scarahscreams is that because you let them walk all over you and Dad seems to have "hidden you" from them with all the time he spent with them without you. Some, even a lot, is good - particularly in the beginning. But it seems they have never respected you as a family or had to deal with the fact that their parents had seperated. Meanwhile Mum is allowed to carry on her life with her new partner and be happy.

It could be that they were just as angry at Mum, but it was easier to piss dad of and be rude to him. A, he didn't stand up to them, B, he may have been a less scary opton to lose, C, it couldbe that they know they have unconditional love from Dad whereas they have to worship Mum and never be angry at her. We will never know.

But saying all of that... MY DP was always strong with his DD. I demanded respect from her (hopefully through earning it in the main) we did things as a fmaily but he also gave her a good amount of time alone with him. We both disciplined her (more so him) and she has still rejected us (at 13 years old) and we don't see her anymore. Chances are, even if you had done everything by the book - they could have still rejected their dad, and you and their half sister. Who knows what messages theyre getting from mum

I feel so strongly that family counselling should be mandatory after divorce. People just don't have the skills, emotional strength, maturity or insight to put the children first. So sad.

oh notmost, that is heartrending. You don't think he's waiting for you, do you? Fathers eh - they can be so crap sometimes

I think this situation may be complicated by the SF's usurpring your DH's role; and as a result of the high life (read: copious dosh) the kids look on their father (and you) with derision. I'm really sorry to be wearing the 'and me' t-shirt but this is exactly the situation between me and my kids.

ONe thing he has to watch like a hawk, is to not drown in the pain and humiliation of it - he must not take it personally. It is incredibly painful when someone [appears to] take over your role as a parent and [appears to] elbow you out of the way... and your disloyal kids trot after them, snorting with contempt that boring old real mum/dad is not up to the wonder fake parent. It is so important to hold our heads up in the face of this blow below the belt (all the b's). Granted, it takes some practise but it is essential to aim for it.

Your man must step up, stand up straight and practise some Clark Kent moves iyswim. He must keep his place on the map; to step up and be the parent he is. NO amount of bells and whistles can compare. Try to avoid knee-jerk reactions to their awful and selfish behaviour. Be firm, very firm (particularly if it involves your dd), but don't get shrill. It'll only be your pain striking out which will only play into their hands. don't hang your head in shame. They're only kids and nothing to be afraid of.