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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I am stupid but.......

49 replies

nowwhat · 29/03/2006 21:13

I have changed my name as need to hide my identity.

Dh and I have been having some serious problems in the last year. I love him and he loves me.

But about 3 months ago i met an old flame purely by accident, since then we have begun an affair. It is the only time i feel like the old me but it is tearing me apart knowing what i am doing to our relationship.

I know the simple answer is to stop the affair but i cant at the moment, sometimes i feel that it is the only thing that is keeping me sane.

I don't expect answers, just needed to tell someone as it is eating me up inside.

OP posts:
AllieBongo · 29/03/2006 21:15

don't think this is the answer hun, you need to stop it, even though i'm sure it makes you feel young, alive, attractive and desirable.. Perhaps a trip to relate for you and dh would be better.. you must feel awful at the mo x

ShaysMummy · 29/03/2006 21:16

dont really know what to say dear.
I have done similar but not while with my hubby and before the kids.
I was in a very boring 3 year relationship at the time so know what you mean about feeling like yourself.
glad you dont want any answers as i guess the only one would be to end it, but as i said, i understand why you cant.

crazydazy · 29/03/2006 21:17

If it doesn't make you feel guilty when you are seeing this other man then you can't love your DH enough.

SoupDragon · 29/03/2006 21:17

You have to end one relationship or the other.

Original poster
nowwhat · 29/03/2006 21:20

I feel guilty every time i see this man, i know what i am doing is wrong. Life at home is so very hard at the moment. And yes i know that is no excuse but i cant help it.

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 29/03/2006 21:21

Make your choice. Sort out your home life or bail out and go with the old flame.

You can help it, you just don't want to.

Original poster
nowwhat · 29/03/2006 21:23

Soupdragon, you are right, it is that easy. But then emotions get in the way. Sad

OP posts:
Kathlean · 29/03/2006 21:23

Think of the reasons he is an OLD flame.

SleepyJess · 29/03/2006 21:23

Does DH know?

computersaysno · 29/03/2006 21:23

As I have been in this situation although my relationship was fine at home unlike yours I called it off because I didn't want to ruin lives basically I had to put my family before myself.

mistressmiggins · 29/03/2006 21:25

as someone on the other side (same as your H) he probably knows or suspects something is going on, especailly if your marriage is having problems

you need to decide what you want - to stand by your marriage vows (for better for worse) or whether its not worth it

either way, you can help it and although you think its helping, I doubt very much

and to be honest, you say you love him, if you did, why on earth would you be betraying him like you are?

just a thought

Original poster
nowwhat · 29/03/2006 21:25

Dh knows i bumped into him but that is all. I hate myself. Last week i walked out with the thought of finishing it all but couldn't leave my kids without a mother. I went to a hotel and stayed there for the night and came home the following day.

OP posts:
noddyholder · 29/03/2006 21:26

Do you have children?Think of them if this all ends in tears which it could they will be devastated.If you don't have children maybe you need to look deeper at your relationship.You say you can't stop it but why?

mistressmiggins · 29/03/2006 21:26

AND I've done the same, however I was neither married or a mother, and I realised I clearly didnt like current partner enough if I could betray them...so I finished with my partner

hurt him but at least I was finally honest

lou33 · 29/03/2006 21:28

If you are having an affair, then something is wrong in your marriage, whether you acknowledge it or not.

It's a painful thing to admit to yourself, so maybe you are having this affair to distract from having to focus on what the problem is ?

Do you love your h? Do you want to fix your marriage or not? You have a lot of questions to answer , then make a decision based on that.

Good luck

busybusybee · 29/03/2006 21:29

Now what - I think you should fess up to your dh and sort this out once and for all. Or stop the affair for good and sort your marriage out. One or the other pronto.

My dh has been doing similar recently. He has broken my heart. He is leaving. Marriage over. Awful situation.

Please dont cause more heartache than necessary for your sake, your kids or most especially your dh

computersaysno · 29/03/2006 21:31

I put my children first, I felt it was right so he had to go. It wasn't a real affair we just talked and met in secret but nothing else. Still doesn't justify what I did was wrong.

Walk away.

Original poster
nowwhat · 29/03/2006 21:33

Busybusybee i am so sorry for your situation and i am so sorry if i am appearinf selfish. I know i am.

Everyone has troubles i know that, but my life has gone so completly wrong over the last year. Again i am making excuses. Im sorry.

OP posts:
computersaysno · 29/03/2006 21:35

You sound so totally confused nowwhat,I do feel for you.

lou33 · 29/03/2006 21:37

my xh would say to you our marriage ended because i was/am having an internet affair, but if he had listened to me for the 4 years before hand, when i told him our marriage was in trouble and how unimportant i felt, then i wouldnt have turned to someone else.

it was and still is, at times, v painful for all of us, kids included, but the affair wasnt the reason our marriage ended, it was all the run up before hand. Things are never as simple as they appear, maybe nowwhat has left out some of the more complicated details that make it hard for her to decide what to do.

busybusybee · 29/03/2006 21:37

Nowwhat - the thing is if you and your dh both love each other and want your marriage to work and last. Take the opportunity to do so.

My dh has decided he cant be bothered basically. Our kids and wider family dont know yet, but everyone we know will be sooooooo upset. And all because of his selfishness.

Sorry if that sounds harsh but I know what its like from the other perspective.

mistressmiggins · 29/03/2006 21:38

all busybusybee is saying is, sort it out rather than burying your head in the sand and continuing with the affair

I think Lou33 is right

something is wrong with your marriage (you know that) so either fight to mend it or end it

hope it works out

busybusybee · 29/03/2006 21:40

Exactly MrsMiggins!

mistressmiggins · 29/03/2006 21:40

its obviously a tough subject that people are bound to fall one way or the other depending on experience

Lou33 - my heart goes out to you if you told H and he just ignored it

for BusyBusyBee and myself, we werent given the opportunity to fix the marriage which is both confusing and hurtful

Original poster
nowwhat · 29/03/2006 21:40

Lou33 thankyou for understanding.

I do love my husband as the father of my children but do i love him as my husband?

We have been together a long time and sometimes he feels like the easy option but other times i look at him and this yes it is still there. I just don't know anything anymore

OP posts: