I am stupid but.......

[nowwhat]

I have changed my name as need to hide my identity.

Dh and I have been having some serious problems in the last year. I love him and he loves me.

But about 3 months ago i met an old flame purely by accident, since then we have begun an affair. It is the only time i feel like the old me but it is tearing me apart knowing what i am doing to our relationship.

I know the simple answer is to stop the affair but i cant at the moment, sometimes i feel that it is the only thing that is keeping me sane.

I don't expect answers, just needed to tell someone as it is eating me up inside.

For those who have been on the receiving end I am truely sorry. I am not doing this to hurt my hasband, that was not my intention. And if our marriage falls apart i will be heartbroken.

I am selfish. There is no justification and everything i say about a hard year will just sound like excuses but i have been to hell and have not returned yet. this is a little glimpse of a 'normal' life.

i hate to say this, but you sound like me when i realised my marriage was ending

i really did tell him many many times, ask spacedonkey

now, he will readily admit that i did and he just ignored everything i said, but he still likes to blame me for deceiving him, as it is easier for him to deal with

it's getting better tho, we can even talk about my friend briefly, sometimes

aside from all that, it's obvious to me that you are feeling very confused and upset by the whole thing

just make sure you take time to sit and think about why you felt able to have an affair, and what is missing in your marriage, you must work this out before you can decide which path to take

Bizarrely I can see lou33s point as well. My dh would say that I didnt listen properly to what he was saying during the past four years. But i know that to be a rubbish excuse because I can barely remember any examples of him trying to tell me anything about how he REALLY felt.

In the week he spent making his mind up about how he felt he really didnt seem to know what to do for the best. Now Im quite glad he has decided to go. Im fed up with his lies and secrets tbh.

What ever his complaints are about me. Whatever his reasons for saying he loves me as the mother of our children but not as a wife; at least I can hold my head up high and say, "I did my best in our marriage, I told no lies, and my heart has never strayed" He cant say any of that about himself

Yet I can remember asking him many many times to talk to me about things and him backing off.

Nowwhat - I hope things get sorted out soon

theres no need to apologise for our cheating husbands - that wasnt my intention when posting

Im sure you are finding it all really tough BUT I just dont believe that you are getting a "glimpse of normal life"

think back to when you first dated your H....easy to be nice & wine & dine & be funny and loving etc - just like an affair

this old flame of yours can put 100% into you cos he doesnt have housework etc to do
YOU can put 100% into him cos you dont have the children with you

ITS NOT REAL

it could be real but thats a whole different kettle of fish AND believe you me, not having your children for a whole weekend is horrible
Yes you can relax and get on with other things, but I didnt have kids to lose them every other weekend...

I really do feel for you

Somehow bits of that last post have got muddled up

they say that when men have affairs, they rarely leave
when women have affairs, its usually cos things have got so bad that they want out

it sounds to me like you (and Lou33) tried

believe me - the closest my H got to telling me something was seriously wrong, was to look at a photo of us and say "we dont smile like that anymore" to which i said, "we have 2 children, one of whom is only 6 mths (and still wasnt sleeping through night) and things will get better again"
he agree with this and that was it - not exactly giving me a chance to help fix the marriage

My parents split up when i was young as my father had an affair. I always said that I would not stay in a marriage for the sake of the children.

I am completly worthless as a wife and mother by doing this to my family.

Thank you for all your kind words. You have all been saying what i know i should do.

I am just so unhappy with everything and there is no way out

by changing your name, its difficult

you are certainly not worthless as a mother if you leave - it is your life too

and ironically for me, I can now see that my H was a self-centred person who gave me no support when I had PND and no help round the house or with the kids

hes actually done me a favour in the long run

i really did try

i told him we were in trouble, i left him for a few days until he persuaded me to come back and things would change, and when it didnt, i told him in the summer he was losing me. Then in early October i asked him to move out, but he ignored me, and it was not long after that i started talking to my friend. About 2 or 3 weeks later my h hacked into my hotmail account, read one from mt friend and we split, i had found my way of making him listen. I wish it hadnt had to be so traumatic for him, but he made it that way in the end

Just read all of this and I don't have any additional advice but it makes me feel sad that so many of us misunderstand each other and fail to communicate properly.

Good communication is the key but its easier said than done.

Very true

hello nowwhat, am new here, and my first comment may not please you. basically, this society overrates relationships, they make it out as if u must feel some exciting feeling 24/7. in reality couples have their ups and downs. when u got married u promised to love 'for better or worse'. you enjoyed the good times, now that it is getting harder doesn't mean u chicken out and run. remember, it's always darkest just before dawn.
work on your marriage rather than looking for the excitement of an affair.

I'm so sorry to hear of your predicament nowwhat. Been there myself. Don't be too hard on yourself. In my case, I eventually chose to put the family first (ds is 18 and dd 13)but it could have gone either way. Dh even knew about it but chose to bury his head in the sand. He still thinks our marriage of 24 years is basically sound - despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary!

Many thanks for all your kind words. I understand that you all have your opinions but ninaar please understand that there are issues deeper than i have let on. I have changed my name as i post on here sometimes and don't want people to know who i am at the moment. That may change i don't know.

I wish I had a crystal ball but so do we all. I know i have strong feelings for the old flame and I know that relationships mellow and change.

My wedding vows are very important and when i made them 9 years ago i intended for 'better or worse'. Never expected worse to be like this tho

nowwhat - remember back to that day when you made the promises. If you still have salvagable feelings for your dh, stop the relationship. An affair will always seem better than it really is, because you don't have to do any of ther mundane things together.

Out of interest, does he want you to leave your dh?

good point Dior
whats old flame's situation?
married/divorced/never been married
children

more important (IMO) why is he an ex?
what has changed?

No he is not asking me to leave dh. He is divorced. He is an ex because he went off to uni many years ago and we could not keep the relationship going long term.

If he wanted you long-term, he would ask you to leave dh. In my honest opinion, he is getting the best of both worlds, because you are not 'on the market' for another husband...

What do you want from him?

I know you are right, he has always been the 'what if' man from my past.

What if he doesn't want to put any pressure on me to leave my h, he wants me to make that decision for myself. I know he has his cake and is eating it.

He makes me feel like a woman and not a mother, he knows me from before, he holds me afterwards and makes me feel special, he listens. He has bad points as well, i just don't want to see them.

He makes me feel alive. And then i leave and i am filled with guilt but each time it gets easier to do.

You feel alive because you aren't washing his socks and asking him to empty the bins...

Everything you say makes sense and i can see what i should do and each day i think i will end it, then i hear from him and don't want to.

I hate myself for it and know i sound pathetic and weak as well as disloyal not only to my husband but also to my children but it is like a drug i cannot be without

nowwhat- wake up and smell the reality honey!
At the moment you have this fantasy relationship with this guy - it does not involve anything in your real life except you and that's why it's so wonderful at the moment because it's escapism- but when reality hits- which it will(these things can't stay a secret)-how will your relationship survibe with this man?
Reality is day to day life (not snatched hours here and there , secret liasons , all sweetness about each other and none of the faults) reality is- ok keep seeing him- sitting your children down and telling them mum is leaving dad and them ???
Or do you see you leaving with the children? who will HTE this guy from day one as he split up their mum and Dad- and how will he see it a mum with kids who is trying to give all her time to them to compensate for breaking up thier happy home and this guy- well reality has no time for him!
Where will you live? how will you arrange custody/ access with the children.
Whatever is wrong with your marriage this is not the fix. If you are truely unhappy then make decisions but get in the real world.
I've been your dh- the cheated on partner (and we did not have trouble in our relationship before the affair- we also had 20 years together to draw on and help us work throygh it) As my dh gradually woke up to reality he realised just what he nearly ruined for so little- he had a fantasy world going on with this oher woman but when reality hit it did not survive- he admitted as he woke up how he did not think beyond the moment and how easily at the time he put a lid on the box of his real life.
This affair is giving you a lift but you are heading for a huge huge fall- imagine looking your children in the eye and saying you are going- that's reality.
Please go see a counsellor - for yourself get your head straight in the real world not fantasy land of affairs.
If you could begin to imagine the absolute pain you are heading for you would stop now-cut off all contact- it's the only way.

oops- the word is HATE this guy from day one........

lot of sense as usual Maturer

I too think that the fact he hasnt asked you to leave is cake & eat it and NOT being nice not pressuriSing you

I really do feel for you but you should try to sort it out with DH or sort out leaving-
the affair is just confusing you