How can i get my husband to talk to me again!

[JadaSevert]

Hi, my husband and i split over 2 years ago now, and i still can't get him to stand in the same room as me let alone have an adult conversation. I have tried to reach out when he has come to pick up my DS and asked him in for coffee etc when he has dropped them off. We went through a sticky divorce and we havent spoken properly since then. I want to be able to rebuild this relationship for the sake of our sons, it would be great to be able to do things as a family even though me and the dh couldn't work things out. Please help! how can i get this back on track! I would just love for my children to be able to see how adults should behave, not like children!
Thanks J
x

If he doesn't want to talk to you, he doesn't want to talk to you, and you can't make him.

Just make sure that you are happy with the correctness of your own behaviour, and let him choose his own.

Maybe he needs more time, maybe he'll never feel able to chat to you comfortably - who knows.

Set the example you want for your kids yourself; they will see it and learn from it.

when you say "sticky divorce", would you like to say what sort of things happened?

..and how long ago did they happen.

Why not write him an email explaining and expressing your wishes.

If the divorce was bitter your ex might be too resentful to want to do this with you and he is entitled to feeling like that too. Worth trying though and good luck.

Is he still angry at you? (Am rather assuming if so, it might be that you are "in the wrong")

You can't control his emotions, and you have no right to expect him to be anything other than polite to you. Give him time, keep being nice and open, long term, your relationship might improve, but you have no right to try to dictate the speed he gets to a "happy" stage about the divorce.

I'd leave it alone and just be cordial with him, you can't make him talk to you. You're probably making matters worse if you're trying to force this.

This is what i thought, hence why i havent approached it thanks!

Thanks everyone, the stickiness was that he claimed for full custody over the children and he didn't get it. He is very stubborn and his family said that the kids should stay with me, this he did not like and since to keep the relationship going with their grandparents i have kept a close relationship with his family making sure the twins see them a lot. I think that it is best to leave it as most of you are suggesting, perhaps he will come round i just hate the thought of the kids growing up with parents who cant even be in the same room together, i just hope that my example will be enough!!!

I know a couple that did have a 'happy divorce' and they did do things together afterwards.

The secret to that though was that they had an interest/hobby that they and their children all shared and it was more or less essential that they did get along as they were all involved in it at a national and international level. The father lived nearby and the divorced couple basically shared the childcare equally so he got to see and care for his children as much as he did before the divorce.

A few other people I know have maintained cordial relations but I think it is very hard to go through a divorce and then do things 'as a family'. If the divorce itself was acrimonious then even less likely.

didnt even realise i had done it! must be habit. Guess i will just have to give it some time then and just be polite etc, thanks for all the help everyone!

out of interest,what is he like to the children when he has them.
And what is he saying to them about you.

Not wanting to play "broken happy families" with you after divorce does not automatically make him childish btw. It sounds like he is reasonably involved with the kids so he might want to do it his own way and is entitled to.

I presume that if you got the children he pays maintainence to you and that you retained the family home?

If he had been awarded custody it would be the other way round. He feels he lost everything and you got everything and that is why he is sore.

I also am a bit confused as to why you call him 'husband' and why you say ' it would be great to be able to do things as a family'. It does not sound like you think of yourself as divorced.

I have hardly spoken to me ex since he left 17 years ago. He saw ds and we would discuss practical arrangements like when he was picking up ds, but never invited him for coffee or to take aprt in stuff as a family.

ds is fine..............

I think two years is still quite a short amount of time. DH left his ex just over four years ago and when we started dating I remember telling him he shouldn't talk to her on the phone but use text and email so he was more in control (of himself) as they knew just how to push each others buttons. And their divorce was pretty amicable.

I don't think he's ever gone in for coffee although we've been in together for Birthday parties when there is a crowd. I think you just need to focus on your own example. DH and his ex now get on well but look carefully and they rarely speak beside exchanging facts, when we get together for stuff for the kids she's talking to me/MIL/SIL and DH is talking to her boyfriend/the kids.

I dont want to do things like we are a family, i am just thinking to the future when the kids have stuff and school etc/birthdays etc when i want it not to be awkward for the kids, who to sit with etc, so far at parents evening he has not been able to attend for work etc but things like sports day i hope that we can be there for our kids together rather than other ends of the field, i didn't meant that i wanted to head out on a family holiday with him or have christmas together!!!! i am finding it hard to think of myself as divorced to be honest, its completely different and many of the twins friends parents are all together and its hard to be invited to social things, dinner etc, i have been trying to move on, but it is very hard, i just want whats best for the boys and i don't want the fact that we couldnt make it work effect them in anyway.
orangeandlemons - thank you i guess im just worried as the kids get older that they will begin to grasp more of what is going on!

You are finding it hard to think of yourself as divorced because things have not changed that much in your daily life - except your ex-husband no longer lives with you and you dont have as much social life.

For him though every single thing in his life changed and he didnt want that. He wanted the life you now have. His bitterness stems from that.

Just stop pushing him, stop the coffee invites, communicate by email, stay close to his family. All will keep channels open when something really important happens you need to discuss and agree on that involves the children.

Thank you

I am sorry for you and I get the feeling that you're not over him yet..... but you're also wanting the best for your kids. You are a good mum but I think you need to move on otherwise you might come across as having unfinished business when exh has already moved on. He might look at it as a desperate attempt to win him back and he might not desire that.

Who instigated the divorce? Has exh met anyone yet?

Kids will adapt and I think you love them equally the same hence they are lucky to have two loving homes and will adjust well to this reality

Could his unease have anything to do with you still referring to him as "my husband" (as in thread title) 2 years after your separation?

It was a mutual decision, he spends a lot of time at work and i was very lonely, and i took a lot of things out on him when he got home, the time we were spending together was not quality time and his work put a huge strain on our relationship, he has provided our family greatly and is very dedicated to his work and the choice was not easy for him but we just were not happy, i think that i may not be over him because it wasn't as if either of us cheated it was literally just a breakdown in communication with no way forward which seems such a shame with the kids being involved.
I wouldn't know if he had met anyone as of yet, i suppose if he had i would have heard from him mum but so far i have heard nothing. Thank you for your kind words, trying my best!

may well be, i hadn't even noticed until someone above pointed it out

Odd.
You divorced him presumably?

He wanted custody of the children, but didn't get it.

I had a difficult divorce; XW tried to deny me access to the children, lied to the CSA about me (for which I got a written apology from the CSA for their attitude), took me to court for ancillary relief (ended up with her paying me...).

For years, we only communicated by letter; in my case, once she'd lied about something I'd said in a letter to the kids, always by a folded sheet of paper I told my son and later daughter they were welcome to read.

I think we've spoken by phone 5 times in 15 years, and I've occasionally seen her across the room at school plays and the like.

You didn't want to be married anymore. You're not... so to be honest.. be adult and stop pretending things are the same. They are not.

I think an ideal "happy divorce" would involve: being able to discuss contact arrangements calmly, not verbally criticising each other to people who know/meet you both, being able to discuss school issues, being able to have joint parent evening meetings, being able to discuss the children's health issues, and your children not worrying about inviting you to their weddings (and maybe 18th Birthdays). More than that would be pie in the sky. Maybe a coffee 30 years later (someone I knew managed it about 14 years later).

You want him to go to sports days, that might be a nice idea but if you got divorced because he was "too busy" with work, then I would be surprised if this happens. I also find him fighting for 100% custody as odd if he works that much, unless it was just to 'punish" you.

Maybe he is far angrier with you than you think?