I feel like a terrible wife...

[MrsHelsBels74]

I have a toddler & a 5 week old who was born by crash c-section. Am still quite sore around my wound area. Earlier I woke up to my husband being all loving, rubbing my back, cuddling me, kissing my neck etc, which normally would be lovely but at the moment I am horribly sleep deprived & I just wanted him to get off me. In fact I was praying our baby would wake up so I'd have an excuse to get away.

I feel bad as he was only trying to show me some affection, but he has form for being unable to just cuddle & kiss without trying to lead onto full sex, which is where I thought this was going. I just seem unable to show him any affection at the moment, I do love him but there is a 'but' that I can't put my finger on.

Sorry I'm waffling but I'm tired & just needed to get my thoughts out, it seems so trivial written down though. Do you think this is just a post baby hiccup or symptomatic of bigger problems?

[ClippedPhoenix]

I don't get what you're on about OMC? Do you have to disect every tiny little thing? Being horrible surely isn't going to work now is it?

[mumblecrumble]

Not all men are nice to their wives for sex.

Mine is nice so he gets fed well....

And becuase he loves me more than anyone else in the world

[maybenow]

My husband suffers badly from insomnia - if i wake up and he's still sleeping deeply and it's the middle of the night i would NEVER wake him up, or even snuggle into him in a way that might wake him up. That's because I am thoughtful and considerate.

In the evenings before we're asleep or after 6am if i wake and he's not awake i can snuggle as much as I like. NOT in the middle of the night when i know he needs his sleep.

[OneMoreChap]

ClippedPhoenix
I don't get what you're on about OMC?

Which bit? The bit that some men get the idea be nice, get sex? I've seen that said on Relationships before, usually around entitlement discussions...

Do you have to disect every tiny little thing?

No, why do you think that?

Being horrible surely isn't going to work now is it?

Isn't that part of the issue? Expecting something to "work" rather than wait for the OP to want to dtd with DH?

[ClippedPhoenix]

With respect OMC even the way you post gives me the pip. So I just have to ignore you.

[OneMoreChap]

ClippedPhoenix Thu 25-Oct-12 14:06:17
With respect OMC even the way you post gives me the pip. So I just have to ignore you.



WTF is I don't get what you're on about OMC? then?

[ClippedPhoenix]

Grrrrr.

Because you "referenced" me like you tend to do, then do, and do and do and so on and so forth.

I thought maybe I could answer you but then you did the "reference" italic thing/goading thing and I,ve had to hold my hands up and say I can't!

[OneMoreChap]

Sorry. long time newsgrouper so context is all, and showing what I'm answering or asking for details for. Probably best you just ignore me if it's upsetting.

[Dahlen]

What's your DH like otherwise? Is he helping with feeds/nappy changes/looking after the baby? Has his life changed much since the arrival of your DC or has it been yours mainly? Who does most of the housework? And if it's you because you work outside the home less or not at all, has he still upped what he does since having the new baby in order to take the pressure off you?

[MooncupGoddess]

HelsBels - there is something about the way in which you post, and the fact you feel guilty for being cross with his (selfish and irritating) behaviour, that suggests maybe you feel at one level that your husband's needs and feelings are more important than your own...?

[birdofthenorth]

He should feel like a terrible husband instead of you feeling like a terrible wife! Waking you up - not on. Instigating sexual activity when you're in pain- not on. Not realising sex goes on hold for many weeks after a baby and you just have to deal with it - not on.

[ledkr]

After my section there would only be one thing he could wake me for and that would be a bastard house fire and even then he could carry me out. In fact dh knows never to wake me up unless he wants me to singe of his hair with my fiery breath

[MyDonkeysAZombie]

Hello OP
I can absolutely sympathise that you are in pain and feeling shattered.

As other people have said here, please don't think you are a terrible wife. You are still healing and I'm guessing consciously or not the idea of accidentally conceiving again is not something you want to contemplate right now.

I just seem unable to show him any affection at the moment, I do love him but there is a 'but' that I can't put my finger on.

When you say "any affection", were you both not usually very demonstrative (spontaneous kisses, impulse hugs, strokes etc) before your children, do you now feel pressured into affection = sex so automatically freeze thinking oh no, touching him will make him get the wrong idea?

[shouldkeepquiet]

My wife had a crash C section also after a home birth went wrong - midwife was way too slow to recognise there were serious issues - another story!
Apart from the pain for 3-4 weeks after i think she also suffered some sort of traumtic stress disorder condition and would get very upset / panic attacks even going to the dentist ect.
Not saying this is the same for you but looking back now ( 6years ago) i think she should have had some support / counselling as it tookher a couple of years to come to terms with what nearly happened.

[Offred]

Whilst I agree in theory with some of what needsomeperspective says I also think it is different her described situation in that her husband was not caring for a 5 week old baby having just had major abdominal surgery in an emergency operation and what the op's husband did was deliberately wake her up to force her to show affection. I think that is worrying especially when she says she is not giving him any affection at the moment, it is like he has perhaps deliberately chosen to pick on her while she is sleeping and vulnerable in order to make her give him affection. Why is he even wanting either of them to be awake for a snog at 3am when the 5 week old baby is asleep? He's likely to be sleep deprived himself and surely even if he did wake up at 3am he'd be more motivated to try and get back to sleep as quickly or stay as sleepy as possible himself instead of groping at his wife (who is not currently showing him affectionate therefore he knows unlikely to want to be groped) until she actually wakes up and then expecting a snog in order to be allowed to go back to sleep. This doesn't sound nice at all, I do think you need to talk, I don't think you are being a terrible wife, if you can't cope with physical affection just now forcing it will not help and you need to talk.

[MyDonkeysAZombie]

It's the second time OP has posted and she says she tried talking to her OH after her first thread so it's not like she hasn't put her point across to him. If the only time he does cuddle up and kiss is when they're in bed let alone wake her at 3 am it doesn't sound like he's doing it purely to be nice does it.

[MrsHelsBels74]

Sorry I've not been back, been trying to make sense of what I'm feeling.

Part of the reason I think I've been withholding affection is because I can't even give him a hug without being groped, he's now aware of this problem, he will try & behave better & I will try to trust him...which will hopefully have a positive result.

I told him not to wake me up tonight & he basically said he thought I was already awake last night hence his behaviour & has said he won't do it again...again hopefully a positive.

To the poster who asked if I felt his needs were more important than my own, yes I do struggle with putting myself first, and I see addressing my needs as being selfish. There is a whole back story about desire to please etc from my upbringing which I don't want to go into now.

And to the poster who suggested counselling, I have already made contact with the local 'birth stories' group to try & come to terms with what happened during the birth.

Thanks everyone for posting on here.

[Offred]

He thought you were asleep?! Bollocks he did and why's he lying?

[Offred]

Were awake I mean!!!

[Lueji]

Onemorechap

I know that was a response to my post.
But, like I said, cuddling up to, giving a kiss and saying I love you doesn't necessarily wake up many people.
It's not waking up for sex, nor demanding a snog.

If I had that, I'd just smile, say I love you back and go back to sleep. fine. Or more if I wasn't sleepy...
If I was forced to actually turn around and snog or have sex, then there would be elbows and other words.

[Lueji]

I hope it does work helsbels.

Unfortunately ex was the same, he was more than aware and it didn't get better...

[Mayisout]

In the end you will both be happier if you address your needs equally with his.

Though it is hard to do if you are programmed to be, what you think is, 'caring and loving' when in fact what that really means is always giving him everything that you think he wants, even though deep down you feel put upon.