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Relationships

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Original poster

I feel like a terrible wife...

72 replies

MrsHelsBels74 · 25/10/2012 05:04

I have a toddler & a 5 week old who was born by crash c-section. Am still quite sore around my wound area. Earlier I woke up to my husband being all loving, rubbing my back, cuddling me, kissing my neck etc, which normally would be lovely but at the moment I am horribly sleep deprived & I just wanted him to get off me. In fact I was praying our baby would wake up so I'd have an excuse to get away.

I feel bad as he was only trying to show me some affection, but he has form for being unable to just cuddle & kiss without trying to lead onto full sex, which is where I thought this was going. I just seem unable to show him any affection at the moment, I do love him but there is a 'but' that I can't put my finger on.

Sorry I'm waffling but I'm tired & just needed to get my thoughts out, it seems so trivial written down though. Do you think this is just a post baby hiccup or symptomatic of bigger problems?

OP posts:

needsomeperspective · 25/10/2012 10:39

Wow. Well flay me alive because I rolled over at 345 last night after waking up and curled up round my husband, kissed his back and told him I loved him. I guess rather than turning over and giving me a kiss and a cuddle he ought to have kneed me in the crotch and told me to fuck off and let him sleep.

Anniegetyourgun · 25/10/2012 10:41

That would be after your husband had a Caesarian section and been up all night feeding the five week old baby, right? Oh wait...

Hyperballad · 25/10/2012 10:42

So what's the alternative olgaga, your going to tell her to leave the bastard??

Op, hopefully he means what he says about knowing that you'll tell him when your ready, so trust him on that. If he betrays your trust then this gets quite serious because then I'd question his respect for you.

Hopefully he'll 'sleep through' from now on

needsomeperspective · 25/10/2012 11:00

Five weeks after my second c section in 12 months I was back at work full time and was loving being able to get back to normal sexual relations with my husband. But I appreciate that on this forum new mothers are apparently supposed to spend at least 4 months avoiding physical intimacy and making sure their husbands are sharing the baby care, night feeds and domestic chores precisely equally as well as never ever touching their wives without a written invitation or risk being deemed misogynistic abusive assholes.

He didn't grab her boob and say "about time you gave me a good shag sugartits" he kissed and cuddled his wife. What a bastard eh. I'd leave him.

olgaga · 25/10/2012 11:02

Did I say, anywhere in my posts, "leave the bastard"? No.

OP says she feels "like a terrible wife". I am simply reassuring her that she isn't, and commenting that her husband's behaviour is selfish and inconsiderate.

olgaga · 25/10/2012 11:03

It's the issue of being woken up at 3am for no good reason which would send me into an absolute fury.

needsomeperspective · 25/10/2012 11:15

Well I'm glad I'm not married to you. Going into a "fury" if your husband rolls over and gives you a cuddle and kiss in the night. Nice.

I don't think the OP is a bad wife at all. Her feelings are perfectly normal. Irritation is entirely understandable. And it probably warrants a "darling I am so knackered at the moment, I know you were only being affectionate and I appreciate that, but please try not to wake me when I'm finally getting some kip." If he then says "fuck you bitch, I will wake you if I want" then yes he is an asshole. If he says "sorry sweetie, I should have thought. I just wanted to give you a cuddle because I love you very much and I'm such a lucky guy to have you and the babies" then he isn't.

Saying her husband has done something awful is just a massive overreaction. What he did was nice, loving and affectionate. He obviously just didn't think about it properly (because he was sleepy?). People can be thiughtless without being selfish assholes. And maybe if she gave him some more affection during the day he wouldn't feel the need to snuggle up to her after they've gone to sleep. It is tempting to jut shut your husband out because so much of your affection and physical intimacy is given to the baby but it can have very long standing negative repercussions to do that. And becomes a habit.

Make the time to give your husband a hug and a kiss and trust that he won't push you to have sex until you want to. From what you say he hasn't tried to jump your bones yet or has given you a reason to believe he is going to. So try to re establish affection even if you aren't ready for intimacy. You might regret it otherwise.

YesAnastasia · 25/10/2012 11:20

I feel like a terrible wife quite often. I had the same birth situation as you & I just felt like my body was broken after having the baby, weird breasts, getting no sleep, worrying about a newborn etc. I couldn't have let my husband have sex with me for anything in the world. I just told him 'no way, so don't even try'.

Unfortunately, I'm still the same 21 months later. I throw in a pity sh*g every now & again but TBH I'd rather not. It's sleep deprivation for sure. (and the lack of alcohol in my life these days I suspect)

And anyway, being woken up for sex at 3am is for when you've only been together for 3 months. And perhaps childless people.

Dryjuice25 · 25/10/2012 11:22

OP- I'd have been livid in your position. Snoring is banned in my bedroom let alone deliberate awakening for a "loving cuddle" at stupid o'clock. Why doesn't he have common sense to know you're already sleep deprived let alone recovering from c-section. Can't he talk about it at a reasonable and convenient time.

I have a 14 week old and i'd kill for more sleep. Give him a good talking to. C-section or not I wouldn't like to be woken up unless the house was on fire.

OneMoreGo · 25/10/2012 11:23

I would have been wildly pissed off! So would the majority of women on this thread. Lots of blokes WOULDN'T have been this thoughtless, so there is no harm in pointing out that he is being a tad unreasonable!
Agree with Cogito that it doesn't matter why he was waking her, it the fact he was at all that is most offensive. Guilting the poster and telling her she should be more affectionate to her husband or she will 'regret it' is not super helpful, IMO.

Original poster

MrsHelsBels74 · 25/10/2012 11:25

I just want to reiterate I wasn't furious with him for waking me up, I was upset because I wanted nothing to do with him. It's difficult at the moment as my mum is staying with us so we don't have any privacy. I guess I need to trust him & let him have some affection without worrying that he's going to try for more, if he does then I guess we need to talk more seriously.

OP posts:

Fairylea · 25/10/2012 11:26

Medal for the woman who was back at work full time 5 weeks after her second c section in 12 months...

Sigh.

It's not a bloody race. I was back at work 6 weeks after having dd. 6 weeks after having ds I still felt hit by a truck.

The ops dh shouldn't be waking her up. That's the main issue. Why can't he cuddle during the day ???

Dryjuice25 · 25/10/2012 11:29

I agree with olgaga word for word

Lueji · 25/10/2012 11:34

Well flay me alive because I rolled over at 345 last night after waking up and curled up round my husband, kissed his back and told him I loved him. I guess rather than turning over and giving me a kiss and a cuddle he ought to have kneed me in the crotch and told me to fuck off and let him sleep.

Seriously?
Can't you see the difference?

What you didn't wouldn't have woken him up, normally, I don't think. And if he responded like that it's because he liked it.

What the OP's husband did was enough to wake her up from deeper sleep and demand a snog.

OxfordBags · 25/10/2012 12:39

For those of us who are NOT super women like needsomeperspective (an ironic choice of name, if ever there was one), this is unacceptable. What kind of fucking twat wakes anyone up in the middle of a deep sleep for a cuddle or a snog regardless of their family situation?! Even if the couple are childless, it's a thoughtless and self-centred thing to do. What are they, toddlers who need reassurance that there's not a bogeyman in the wardrobe?!

OP, it's completely normal to not feel affection towards your partner with a baby that small. Your whole being is geared towards giving your affection primarily to that little one (then any other DC). However loving your dh professes his actions to have been, it was very selfish and rude, and he no doubt did want sex if that's his usual form. Even at best, he sounds inconsiderate and selfish; if he is used to always being pandered to, perhaps you actually asserting your own needs is making you feel guilty. You have nothing to feel guilty about - although he should - but if you recognise what I've described, then that's a dynamic you should work on.

OneMoreChap · 25/10/2012 12:59

Lueji what you actually said was

Tbh, at the best of times, being awoken to have sex would have led to a sharp elbow and a few choice words.

which is what
needsomeperspective
Wow. Well flay me alive because I rolled over at 345 last night after waking up and curled up round my husband, kissed his back and told him I loved him. I guess rather than turning over and giving me a kiss and a cuddle he ought to have kneed me in the crotch and told me to fuck off and let him sleep.

sounds like a response to...

I think OP's man was insensitive, and as she says he has form for moving on, I think she was completely reasonable, and not a terrible wife in any way.

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 25/10/2012 13:07

You're not a terrible wife op.

Nobody (except a buffoon) would think it's reasonable to wake a sleeping woman, still in pain 5weeks post caesarian, for a cuddle. Sleep is precious when you have a 5wk old and a toddler - you're dh was being very thoughtless.

Megmog2005 · 25/10/2012 13:12

Poor man, he sounds like to he was trying to be nothing more than nice. If I wake up and cuddle my DP at 3am in the morning I hope he isn't thinking 'Get off me' cos I certaintly wouldn't feel that way, whether I tired or not.

gwenniebee · 25/10/2012 13:17

You are absolutely not a bad wife - my dd is 15 weeks and I had a normal and in no way traumatic delivery. We have dtd once, and that was because I felt under pressure. I also have the "can't quite put my finger on it" problem - I still love my dh (more than before the baby, if possible) but I just don't have any libido. I don't have anything like the excuses you do!

ClippedPhoenix · 25/10/2012 13:20

Your not a terrible wife at all. If he didn't have "form" for this type of thing you wouldn't have reacted like you did. Nows he's sulking and turning it round on you. YUCK. He's acting like a self-entitled twunt.

Tell him again that you will let him know when you're ready and could be please leave you alone until then.

Now, if he wants to "spoil" you out of the bedroom, ie. make a lovely dinner, bring you flowers, take the baby or toddler off your hands for a while, then that would be more than acceptable and would probably move things on far better than going in for the kill at some stupid o'clock.

Smellslikecatspee · 25/10/2012 13:23

I have no children.
No recent ops

If OH woke me at 3am for a snog, well I don't know what I'd do as he wouldn't do anything so daft!!

OneMoreChap · 25/10/2012 13:34

*ClippedPhoenix
Now, if he wants to "spoil" you out of the bedroom, ie. make a lovely dinner, bring you flowers, take the baby or toddler off your hands for a while, then that would be more than acceptable and would probably move things on far better than going in for the kill at some stupid o'clock.

but be careful not to give him the idea he's doing this for reciprocation/entitlement.

I've seen other posters say they know when DP wants sex, "because he'll start being nice"

mumblecrumble · 25/10/2012 13:37

I think you just need frank communication. A conversation that reassures him you love him find him attractive, assuming that is how it is, but that sex is just very far away from what you need a the moment.

I htink you need to talk about affection without always leading to sex and that you want to be able to trust him to kiss, cuddle etc without always leading to sex. Becuase it seems such a shame to miss out on that bonding and lvoely stuff becuase you don;t trust to not further.

I would be pissed off to be woken and def make it known this will not earn him affection. I think if he is randy you should also chat about masturbation if that isnl;t already a done thing. I spoke to my DH when pregnant and we chatted, in a jokey way but we were also quite serious that perhaps his libido may have to be satisfied by himself while my body was purely working on producing and giving birth etc. I was strange though, i guess, as I couldn;t keep my hands off DH even the night before Iw as induced and from 2 weeks after C section. We found that after the 3 o clock feed was a lovely time to snuggle as long as sex wasn;t automatically expected from each other.

Ramblings - I'm not well at the moment

mumblecrumble · 25/10/2012 13:41

I should add though that I take lots of meds for chronic pain and have many no libido times. It is not being a bad wife at all. A sex life is surely much more than do you want to do it or not. I found that DH felt more emotionally rejected than not getting his end in and that lots of cuddles [even if that led to natural reactions... that don;t have to be fulfilled] and frank talking has helped.

mumblecrumble · 25/10/2012 13:42

P.S, DD was about 10 weeks old before I felt anywhere near 'normal' again. And she was around 3 when we got good sleep....

You are a great wife as you care enough to post.

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