As a stand alone incident, what do you think?

[Machli]

Firstly, H has a background of being very verbally abusive and controlling towards me but he says he has changed and we are trying very hard to be friendly and move forward.

H calls me to ask where dd's clothes are to get her changed after school. I immediately get up to look for some in the ironing basket. He calls me again and I answer "hold on". I go to the kitchen, to the tumble dryer and pull some clothes out for her, which I turn, smiling, to hand to him as he comes into the room, he comes into the room with a serious look on his face and says "Er Machli, in future, if I speak to you or ask you a question, can you respond and acknowledge that I have spoken to you please?"

What would you think and how would you respond?

He sounds very abusive and I hate to think how your dd is picking up on it as the blue print for relationships.

You both deserve so much better!

Machli have you looked at the red flags thread? I think you'll find a lot of his behaviour tallies with people's descriptions on there.

I've been where you are and I am no longer with him, because he was abusive. It took me a while to realise but once I did it didn't take me long to leave (though we didn't have kids or a mortgage together).

suburbophobe's comment above is very pertinent - I am the product of such a relationship and as a result I wasn't able to spot that my ex's behaviour was abusive; for me it was the way my dad spoke to my mum and therefore normal (even though deep down I knew it wasn't right, if that makes sense).

"He said he approached me as calmly as he could so there would be no confrontation"

He's having to try really, really hard not to lose his shit and abuse you over your failure to acknowledge him.

If he had really changed it wouldn't be such a struggle for him.

DH has a tendency not to acknowledge things I have said at times. He can be a man of few words, so doesn't see the point in responding until he has something of substance to say.

We've actually had this conversation where I've had to ask him to just let me know that he's heard me (he gets blocked ears at times, so sometimes he hasn't).

It is pretty exasperating if you are not sure whether you are being heard/listened to/responded to.

But even though I get that, I still think the way he handled it was kind of menacing rather than just regular confused exasperation and a request for clarity.

Sorry but I'm still not seeing it. He approached you calmly so there wasn't confrontation and didn't shout or swear at you. Yes he may be struggling to change his behaviour but at least he's trying?

I read your posts and identify a little with him as i am perhaps the female version of him (without the abusive language / controlling behaviour). I have been advised that I have come home in 'work' mode and barked instructions and been inpatient when I haven't been answered or something hasn't been done and muttered under my breath that I might as well do it all. I know I do this and I don't mean to and thankfully I have a strong partner who calls me on it. So if I did exactly what your husband did tonight, shout from another room, my husband tells me that he's not talking to me through the wall.

Continue calling him on his shit and stand up to him. My husband pointed out what I was doing and how it made him feel and I am changing my behaviour. So now instead of moaning that the ironing board has been out for 2 days in the front room from when he last used it, I'm just going to put it away without a snide comment (and I am struggling not to comment on it because I don't see why I should put it away as he got it out but that's another story!)

With all that said though, the uneasy feeling you continually have isn't a good sign for a long term relationship unless you break the pattern

This is slightly complicated, because people not answering/acknowledging when I ask a question does piss me off a bit (although I would never rant about it), particularly if it's a pattern.
But a one off wouldn't require such a request.

You'd be better off answering him with the location so that he could look for them himself.

It does look like he's controlling himself so that you won't leave him. Time will tell if he can really change, or if he'll just revert when he feels more secure.

Oh and when I cut half my finger open with a kitchen knife and had to have 15 stitches in it, he did not respond until I was screaming for him as he admitted to himself thinking "WTF does Machli want now?!" and he carried on pissing about on the computer.
That sounds like my ex (which is not good news). I slipped down the stairs once, making a lot of noise, and he didn't even ask if I was ok, let alone go and check up on me.

"Continue calling him on his shit and stand up to him."

OR - don't stay in a relationship with someone who gives you shit and who you have to continually stand up to.

Depends whether the good out weighs the bad. Behaviour can change and I don't think the instant answer is always 'leave them they'll never change'.

My behaviour is changing but I know there will be occasions when I will revert to type, I just hope that they become few and far between and my husband makes it clear when I am doing it so I can stop and take a breath and realise that an ironing board out for 2 days isn't the worse thing in the world.

But who wants to be training their spouse like a toddler or a dog?

I mean really, how fucking tedious.

Why not just stop being a dick to your husband?

Agree with those saying that, as an isolated incident, I don't think he was being unreasonable. It annoys me when DP doesn't answer to acknowledge he has heard me. Sometimes he'll just sit there and say nothing, and then I'll repeat the question and he'll say 'I'm just thinking' but how do I know if he is thinking or watchin TV when they both look suspiciously similar! So I can understand your DH asking that you acknowledge him - even just calling out 'ok' or something.

I know you did that, and he didn't hear you but that's by the by.

"how do I know if he is thinking or watchin TV when they both look suspiciously similar!"

:o

Ha ha! Yes, we've had that conversation too.

I think he's treating you like a subordinate member of staff.

If DH is in a different room and asks me if I know where something is, sometimes he doesn't hear me acknowledge him. I say "hang on" too, if he doesn't hear me all I get is an extra "flobba?" just to make sure, but only because he knows I have a hearing problem. This is a genuine "did she hear me?". There is no way he would speak to me like that ever because I am his wife not a badly behaved child.
This doesn't sound like an isolated incident...

he says he has changed

HAhahahahahaha. ha.

Machli

Do read "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft if you have not already done so.

This whole incident has been about power and control and he still wants absolute over you. He was telling you off like the subordinate he has made you out to be. Not good for you or your children to be hearing actually, what are you both teaching them about relationships here?. Would you want your children to end up with someone whom you have described as both verbally abusive and controlling?. I would sincerely hope not.

What has keep you within this unhealthy relationship to date?. What do you get out of this relationship now?.

As a general house rule I refuse to sreply to a conversation aimed at me from a different room. This is mainly aimed at the kids who would shout 'where's my xyz' the length of the house. So, unless the house is on fire, or your legs are broken, if you need to speak to me come and find me. I'm not scurrying round finding them just because a thought popped into their heads

in your situation OP, the lack or respect and obvious contempt is a large red flag. Good luck.

agre with itsnotunusual.

my exp used to shout all the time from another room .sometimes ti woudl turn out to because he wanted to ebrate me for stacking the dishwasher wrong/using wrong colour washing up liquid (i kid you not), show me something had spilled (becuase i needed to know right? rather than him jsut cleaning it...) and of course the "whre are the dc clothes?" because of course he couldnt know could he? wher the sock drawer etc was? duh.

so i am assuming here that both dd and h are fit and well and can walk.
that dd could have been left in her room or wherever as it was after school so is school age and h could have gone to look for clothes? that he had tasked himself with changing her so why did you need to be involved at all?
that she has more than on set of after school clothes to wear

if dd is school age why didnt she and /or your h come to look tfor clothes?
doesnt she have other clothes to wear in her room?
why did it have to be the ones from the drier/ironing box?
why did you need to be invlved at all?

my repsonse to "where are the clothes" would have been "in her drawer as usual"

see it is the "H calls me to ask ....I immediately get up "

it wasnt an emergency
no one was bleeding.
why did you have to jump up like in the army?

OP - wanting to do anything to get him back into a good mood . That, right there, is a HUGE red flag. You are not responsible for his mood, that smacks of 'you made me do it. If he's annoyed, depressed, angry - that's his choice, not yours.

my immediate reaction is "What an unpleasant person, to expect you to leap to his every whim."

If DH calls through the flat "have you seen DS's whatever?" I call back "Try under the bed?" or something. I interpret it as a request for information, not a command that I do the seeking for him. He's got you nicely trained as his servant, hasn't he?

Why are you still with him?

He hasn't left his controlling behaviour behind, has he?!

Your own posts and the few replies saying he had a point are making me want to YELL VERY LOUD!!!!

It is not OK to demand a certain response from another adult, however politely you phrase it. He walked into the kitchen, you had the clothes in your hand, therefore a normal response would have been "Oh, you've got them! Great."

Complaining that you didn't (allegedly) get a verbal response is stupid and pointless when your request has clearly been met. Say you ask a bar attendant for a drink, she turns and gets it, brings it over and gives it to you. Is it then reasonable to have a go at her for having failed to verbally acknowledge your order? No, it fucking well isn't because she's acknowledged your order by filling it!

The only conceivable purpose of such a complaint is to make a twat of yourself and assert some imaginary authority.

I have asked DH in the past to acknowledge that I have spoken to him.

DH's hearing is a bit selective poor, and very often he says he hasn't heard me. So if I don't get a response I always ask if he has heard me - sometimes he snaps back that 'yes, he has', which leads to the 'if you heard what I said it would be good to acknowledge it' conversation.

But I suppose it all depends on tone / context / history.

We also often have the 'I can't hear you, if you want to speak to me you need to come into the room I'm in' conversation, which tbh is a fair enough point.

If DH asked me where something was, I would reply - I wouldn't generally get up and get it myself.

I don't react well to being patronised, and tend to patronise people back. In that situation, I would probably have said something like 'You have your model of communication and I have mine. As adults we should each respect that we communicate in different ways, and not expect the other to do exactly what we want'.

That would also probably help me keep my temper, as on the inside I would be thinking 'For example, your model of communication is that of a controlling twat'. I don't think it needs to be said.

Oh god my ex twat used to do this exact same thing. Tell him to fuck off, the bell end.