As a stand alone incident, what do you think?

[Machli]

Firstly, H has a background of being very verbally abusive and controlling towards me but he says he has changed and we are trying very hard to be friendly and move forward.

H calls me to ask where dd's clothes are to get her changed after school. I immediately get up to look for some in the ironing basket. He calls me again and I answer "hold on". I go to the kitchen, to the tumble dryer and pull some clothes out for her, which I turn, smiling, to hand to him as he comes into the room, he comes into the room with a serious look on his face and says "Er Machli, in future, if I speak to you or ask you a question, can you respond and acknowledge that I have spoken to you please?"

What would you think and how would you respond?

I agree with the others who say you can't see it as a one off it's it's been an ongoing issue. If it was a one off I woudl think he was tired/stressed.

On the issue of being controlling -most girls who are old enough to be at school can get themselves changed after school. Especially if it's into play clothes, so it doesn't really matter if they don't match /are old etc. or is that just in our house?

Oh and in the past he would have been exactly the same only AS WELL I would have been called, ignorant and lazy, there would have been a rant about clothes piled up everywhere and not being where they should be (in the ironing basket) he would have shouted and yelled and told me how stupid and useless I was, if I responded it would have escalated into being told I was "thick as fuck" and "so fucking stupid Machli!". Then I would have been told what a useless mother I was and if I tried to leave he would report me to SS because of my depression (from 12 years ago ) and told he hated me but could never leave me because I was such a horrible twisted bitch I would screw our kids up and they needed to be protected from me.

So I suppose yesterday was a distinct improvement.

Yep, abusive ex used to talk to me like this all the time. esp this one:
"I asked you to tidy the table on tuesday. As you have refused to do it you are going to do it right now." .... entitled twat.

OP anyone who thinks its ok to speak to you with that tone has no respect for you, doesnt see you as an equal and can fuck off. He has not changed.

If he thinks there ate communication problems, and accuses you of ignoring him then I would suggest speaking in person instead of shouting from room to room. Argument argument avoided and no need to involve anither adult in the simple process of dressing his child.

However in light of the history mentioned,i would say actions speak louder than words. Sulking is a manipulative tool designed to punish you for what he feels uis bad behavior. He says your volatile and you make it hard, what too hard to be civil? How can an adult blame anyone for their actions except themselves? He is responsible for his behavior. Not you. Hes changed has he? Really?

Twinkle and DID you tidy the table?

Why didn't he go and look for the clothes? That's my first thought. Why did you get up immediately? Second thought. And then when I read further posts about how he used to rant and call you names, my third thought is why are you still with him? Sorry, but I do.

x-posts. Given your last post and the strength of character thats coming across from you why are you hanging around and hoping hes changed? You know deep down that he hasnt dont you?

Laundry as well. I remember my ex coming into the sittin room, standing with his hands on his hips and say, no, demanding, "Where are my jeans?" Like I was his washerwoman or something. I stopped doing laundry for him that minute.

x-posts again! Well erm i didnt get a choice. He put my newborn in the bedroom crying and hungry. He then threw everything - rubbish bag from the kitchen, dirty nappies, ornaments, clean clothes, pictures, ornaments, toys into a big pile in the hall. I couldnt get past to get to DD. He stood over me while I tried to pick broken glass and dirt from the clothes and toys and put the rest into bin bags so that I could get to DD. It took me 40mins and she had been sick she was so distressed.

Verbal abuse escalates.

Well yes, I´d answer straight away-as I like to be answered straight away.

Wouldn´t say nothing & get up to look myself tbh.

So all of you would answer immediately "yes H just looking in the ironing basket" as soon as he asked the question?

Yes of course. Surely that's what normal people do???? You acknowledge someone when they ask you a question???

I would be really irritated if I asked a question and didn't get any acknowledgement. It's just basic manners.

To me sounds like he is trying to work on his communication by letting you know why he is pissed off because you didn't acknowledge him.

If you are in another room, he can't see you going to the basket so therefore assumes you are ignoring him. However your response to him when he explains why he's pissed is that it would help if he didn't shout from another room but come and ask you.

Anyone tell that we've had this problem in our house?

I can see the answering immediately but I can also see just going to get the clothes. But the history of name calling makes it sound awful. It's the sort of non exchange that in a happy couple doesn't worry anyone. But when things are not good (and if he used to swear at her, it has been not good) then it's something else.

I would give him a look and walk away.

And you DID respond. You said "hold on."

Posters saying it sounds perfectly normal etc - yes in a normal relationship it could be just annoyance at not getting a response etc. However this isnt a normal relationship. OP when I was still with ex I posted threads like this where I held back the fact that ex was abusive. I knew Id get a lot of responses saying that ex may have just been annoyed, stressed etc and would use that to justify to myself why I stayed.

A man trying to show that he had changed and was no longer abusive should be falling over himself to ensure he never used a tone or language which made you uncomfortable or felt controlling. The fact that you've had to start this thread and that he spoke to you in that way shows that he hasnt changed and isnt seriously putting effort into reassuring you that he values and respects you. Thats what you need to take from this.

Well I got up immediately he asked and went to the ironing basket had the clothes been there, they would have been in his hand within 5 seconds, I didn't not answer on purpose, it just didn't occur to me as I knew I would be there quickly (very small flat) when it took longer I told him. He didn't really have time to think I was ignoring him tbh, he had called a second time within seconds.

Why so many question marks quantico? Surely just one will do?

Twinkle you and your poor dd.

Oh and when I cut half my finger open with a kitchen knife and had to have 15 stitches in it, he did not respond until I was screaming for him as he admitted to himself thinking "WTF does Machli want now?!" and he carried on pissing about on the computer.

For some reaseon this reminds me of an incident with my H.

We got an early flight out of Cairo, when we sat down he said 'whats for breakfast?', I told him and he repeated the question. I told him again, a bit louder and he repeated the question again. So, I said it much louder at which point he gave me a right talking to for speaking to him in an exasperated loud tone and went on about how fucking important he was and should never be spoken to like that again. He was an abusive man and never changed.

The stress of being a prick, IMO, is what killed him, thereby releasing me from the torment

Yes nfk and twinkle its different in this context I think thats why I tried not to colour it by going into detail about his previous behaviour but to make it known that there have been problems before.

Its always been like this tbh, I never know if I am right or wrong. He is so self righteous and very articulate. I am articulate when writing but not so much verbally and he twists me in knots.

That's why he's an ex Machli [hgrin]

Although on a serious note it got a lot worse before I had the strength to leave and stay away.

I think you are actually articulate verbally and that he has twisted your perception of yourself. I also think you would be a force to be reckoned with if you get rid of him. I think you need to think about making plans to leave.

Machli. I know all that twisting. I used to apologise all the time. Once he walked into the room, looking cross and I jumped and said, "What have I done now?" Always waiting to be told off.

Do you feel that you can't rest when he is in a mood as well? A bit sick and scared and wanting to do anything to get him back into a good mood because it just feels so awful when he isn't? That serious face that sends your good mood plummetting.

Yes I did. I also used to dread the sound of his key in the lock. Sorry to hear what you are going through.