Is your partner a compromise? Have you settled for less than love

[MaiSha2000]

I've had so much disappointment in relationships that i no longer have faith in relationships.

Maybe i have been on my own too long but i find most men not worth the trouble. They are just simple minded being and i can not be bothered that this stage to take one one. ( at least that is how i feel sometimes).

I find myself saying... there is no perfect man for me... am getting older, should i compromise.... go for the usual things security and stability and settle?

How many of you have settled for less than love. And if you have is that wrong?

You know your settling when their isn't a honeymoon period.

Very good definitions, VanderElsken and ones I would definitely subscribe to. Even when DH and I were at our worst, we could answer yes to these.

You also know you've settled when there is that vague, uneasy feeling you just can't quite articulate. When everyone congratulates you on your plans and you are not as excited as they are. When you describe your DP as 'nice' because you can't come up with anything else.

And I think you also haven't settled when you can discuss your 'phwoaarr' fantasy moments involving actors and their characters with each other, have a good laugh about it and both know deep inside that you've got the best deal and wouldn't change.

Which means that Richard Armitage is not in with a chance here. Sorry if you're reading this, Richard...

Vander, I think you put it perfectly. My DH isn't a compromise, we haven't settled. But I think it's just down to luck. It's not like I held out for years purposefully waiting for the right person. We just met and it worked.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gaid72fqzN
Great link, Tim does make a good point. We do fantasize a lot as human beings with our fairytale like notions of love.

Love does grow in time if its not felt obsolute at the beginning. And again as thisisfartoohonest says it can also work the other way where it starts of great and you discover that it's not what you thought, and you decide to stay or not. But is deciding to stay to what you committed to settling? Not necessarily.

Talk about Risk Assessment. the biggest bigggest risk we take in life is relationships and who we decide to partner with, yet it is the one area we do not assess at all when making a decision. We just base it on a feeling. CRAZY!

I absolutely did not settle, I wouldn't be able to live with myself.

I totally agree Vander. I haven't settled. Life especially with children is too hard to settle and be unhappy. But I do think that some people have very unrealistic/ fairytale expectations (I know I use too!).

Finally worked out I fall for the wrong types, so when a school Dad started showing interest, (who wasn't my normal type) I thought I'd see how it went. Until I found out he had worked his way around all the single Mums at the school gate LOL.

Me and DS got ourselves two dogs, it's about as settled as I'm going to be!

I settled in my first marriage. Have two wonderful DS from it but lots of heartache when the marriage fell apart. I knew on my wedding day I should nit be marrying him but I went ahead in the belief that I could make it work.

My second marriage has just ended after 5 years. At the time I didn't think I was settling but if I am totally honest there were things that weren't right but I ignored them and went right ahead. I don't think I settled but made an alarmingly huge second mistake.

If you met me you would think I am confident, reasonably intelligent, ok looking, wise blah blah - and I am all those. But I have a very low self esteem and I seem to end up with men who are not good enough for me (and I don't mean in financial terms). I have to learn my own self worth and look for the same in someone else. I need to be honest with myself in what I expect from a partner and what I should expect from a partner - and this is where I seem to go spectacularly wrong.

I moved into my new home nearly two months ago and will not embark on another relationship until I have taught myself not to make the same mistakes again and again.

thisisfartoohonest I think that's the case for every relationship just some come out the other end liking/loving each other!

I feel I'm the one who's on the other end, I think my DP has settled for me.......when we first met he was desperate for a family & marriage, I had 3 DC and was settled in life. 4 years down the line we are expecting a baby together and he talks about marriage but think he knows deep down I can't do it! It's awful for the one who feels they've been settled with as he's killed my confidence, I used to feel beautiful and loved 100% in previous relationships.......now I feel loved like a member of the family and I feel far from beautiful........
So please don't anyone settle as its a killer, I feel 4 years of my life have been wasted and in that time I may have missed out on mr right but I'm stuck now as we're having a baby and my DC are settled with him and see him as their daddy!!

Very interesting thread for me, I could theoretically settle at the moment.

He's my best friend, we spend loads of time together, I love his kids to bits and vice versa, we all go away together and have great fun, we share the same taste in music and sense of humour. Everyone describes him as "lovely" because that's what he is, BUT I don't find him sexually attractive at all.

Although he has NEVER been anything but a perfect gentleman, I know he'd be happy for us to be in a relationship if I ever wanted to.

I'm getting older and I actually can't be bothered to look for "the one" anymore I honestly can't on the other hand I'm perfectly happy to be on my own.

But the thought has crossed my mind to settle for my friend, because he really is a good man and he is lovely. I know deep down it would be a mistake though, which is why (so far) I haven't gone for it

if you settle your never truely happy your always thinking what if

Hmm - people are being very black and white on here (fair enough if that's your view and your experience). My take on this is not so crystal clear.

I had other partners I was more wildly in love with and had more passion with than my dh. And yes I saw him as potential settling down/marriage material when we starting going out.

17 years later we are still happily married, we are close mates, have a laugh, share values but we are not and never have been love's young dream running through meadows etc.

I'm not sure if that's settling or not? I could be with someone who makes my heart leap every time he comes into the room which would be amazing. But I think it was the right choice for both of us...so I would not feel comfortable telling my children that they should never compromise. Because I have and I have a good life.

Dunno really!

Groomy - but is anyone truly happy? I don't think 'what if', I know what the 'what if' is. The 'what if' would be to feel madly in love with someone. But knowing that I still choose my life, my husband, my children (see my post above).

I can't help thinking some women have too much of a romanticised view of love and marriage. And you can sacrifice a lot for the sake of finding 'true love' too you know.

Not sure it's relevant whether you " settle" or not.
You might marry someone thinking it's TRUE LOVE and it all goes pete tong.
You might "settle " and be happy

Well said proud!