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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is your partner a compromise? Have you settled for less than love

67 replies

MaiSha2000 · 24/10/2012 18:19

I've had so much disappointment in relationships that i no longer have faith in relationships.

Maybe i have been on my own too long but i find most men not worth the trouble. They are just simple minded being and i can not be bothered that this stage to take one one. ( at least that is how i feel sometimes).

I find myself saying... there is no perfect man for me... am getting older, should i compromise.... go for the usual things security and stability and settle?

How many of you have settled for less than love. And if you have is that wrong?

OP posts:

garlicbaguette · 25/10/2012 00:16

snoopdogg Thu 25-Oct-12 00:00:22
[like]

garlicbaguette · 25/10/2012 00:20

I don't think 'the one' exist

See, I do. Although there obviously must be more than one "one". I think people who are good at loving and have high self-worth probably have more "ones", and are more likely to fall for each other, thus forming gorgeous happy-ever-afters. Am I making any sense?

MrsLHofstadter · 25/10/2012 00:31

I settled for someone gorgeous, it didn't work. I fell in love with someone, everyone assumed I was settling for but that is far from true. That didn't work either, different time/place maybe. Who knows what is out there or what is right and what is wrong.

DaveMccave · 25/10/2012 00:42

I think some people will be more lucky in love because of the personalities you describe, yes. But I don't see how the one's can exist, when statistically, most people fall for people within a 10 mile radius of where they were born. iyswim? Seems a bit too spiritual the idea of the one, and I'm not spiritual at all.

IloveJudgeJudy · 25/10/2012 01:07

I always remember that my BIL told me he had been in a rollercoaster relationship with many highs and lows. he said it was very addictive. He still remembers that period of his life with "affection" for want of a better word, but said that it would be impossible to live your whole life like that as it was so draining. He and the other person did not have DC, either.

I don't think you need to settle, but you need to be realistic. I have met quite a few people who seem, on the face of it, to have everything going for them, but there seems to be something in them that makes them overlook people who don't tick every single box on their wishlist. I'm not perfect. DH is not perfect, but we're perfectly matched together. He still makes my heart sing when I see him.

A friend of ours, otoh, will never be happy as he always thinks that his present relationship (and all his other relationships) is not perfect because he wants his partner to be perfect and tick every single box, even though he isn't perfect himself.

WaitingForMe · 25/10/2012 09:12

I assumed sweep you off your feet love was a myth and settled for exH. I became friends with DH online and later ended the marriage.

When we eventually met it was just like a thunderbolt. I can't explain it but 5 years later I'm still as intoxicated by him. It confused a few people as DH was a fair bit older, losing his greying hair and was an accountant and I was waxing lyrical about the sexiest man I'd ever met

I do think a bad first marriage paved the way for appreciation of a great second one. I was asked not long ago how DH and I were such a great team and the only answer I had was that we'd both got it really wrong the first time around and learnt what not to do. Had it not been for my ex I would probably take what I have for granted and in the process neglect it IYSWIM.

Original poster

MaiSha2000 · 26/10/2012 21:04

A lot to think about.... Its hard though. A lot of things have been said which make sence. But its not that black n white i guess. Does they come a time when one needs to think of things other than "love". Whatever that may be. For example i have children, do i keep looking for the one whilst my children lose out on a father figure coz i can't find love but may find a guy who would be a good father figure to settle with. Do we have different priorities at different times, should be not consider that when we decide to be or not to be ... with a man. And as has been mentioned, other cultured have arranged marriages many of which have love in them ( not talking about forced marriage). Do we as part of the Western culture have expectations based on fairy tales and bad boys?

OP posts:

CuriosityColaKilledTheCat · 26/10/2012 21:09

I almost settled once and got out just in time. Don't do it, it's not worth it.

I have since met dh, in no way was he a 'settled' choice.

Though I suppose it depends on what you are settling on and how important those aspects are to you. Amazing sex, really funny, intelligent, drive and ambition etc...which ones do you not mind not having. If it's a case of settling for someone who treats you bad, then it is never the right choice.

MimsyBorogroves · 26/10/2012 21:11

I settled once.

It was like living in a nightmare by the end of it - by which point it was even harder to leave, because we had a DS, a house - but no life together.

Original poster

MaiSha2000 · 26/10/2012 21:32

By settle i guess i mean somene you are not 100% in love with, someone comfortable, someone good and dependable

OP posts:

ILoveSparklers · 26/10/2012 21:37

The whole thing is a gamble...I've settled and still not completely happy but but not settling I might be miserable.

janelikesjam · 26/10/2012 22:02

Amazingly interesting thread.

I have never "settled" because I never wanted domesticity and children particularly. But neither have I had the thunderbolt-but-happy-and-comfortable relationship either.

Kingcyrolophosarus · 26/10/2012 22:14

Yes
Don't settle
Hold out for the real thing

Original poster

MaiSha2000 · 26/10/2012 22:41

Well i guess am going to have to figure out where to look for a guy who can keep me interested.... Not come across any thus far! I might be fussy, but i don't think i am. I'm just annoyed by how society tends to let men be floppy in their attitudes to life and get away with... its like "he's a guy what do you expect". Sure guys can be as useful parts of society as we can. Get rid of Homer PLEASE!

OP posts:

Hollygolightley · 26/10/2012 22:45

You only live once. Don't settle. Its a long road and there will be far too much time you will spend regretting it.

SoleSource · 27/10/2012 01:30

I am staying single. I have a feelibg tbere are more and mire women from ypung to older making this decisikn. The ibternet makes it so much easier for people to cheat. I cannot stand one tiny bit more disappointment from a man. Single four yeats here and staying that way.

garlicbaguette · 27/10/2012 10:56

do i keep looking for the one whilst my children lose out on a father figure

Your children's lives can include constructive male presences without your having to live with a man! There's a strong argument that this is better for DC than modelling a dull, so-so relationship at home.

Inneedofbrandy · 27/10/2012 11:17

The only time I settled ( as in got with someone for a relationship not because of sparks) I ended up having a termination and living in a refuge for 4 months to escape him. I don't even think it was 100% down to him why he became an abusive twat I think he knew deep down I don't really love him and it made him so insecure. I did start to settle again with gettin back with dd dad but was a moment of madness and he showed his true colours before it went very far.

I would love a husband ( think garlic thought of me saying that on the OW thread) but I've learnt from that mistake that I wouldn't just think well he loves me and that will do, I have to love him back otherwise what's the point. I also have to remind myself I'm great on my own since I've been on my own more then with someone anyway.

. I think there's a difference between settling and giving someone a chance that's not your type.

RunningInFlipflops · 27/10/2012 12:03

I didn't settle for my first love as thought he was boring and I'd find someone better. He had become more like a brother. 13 years later and I'm with someone new, have a gorgeous dd, but am often unhappy.

Really thought I had done the right thing by not settling for my first, but now I'm not so sure! A classic case of the grass isn't always greener I guess.

badtime · 27/10/2012 12:54

As for the existence of 'the one', remember what Tim has to say:

Original poster

MaiSha2000 · 27/10/2012 13:18

I hear you all. and i think as in some cases its obiviously not right, to settle. e.g when they are abusive or useless or unkind or cruel or cheat etc.

And Inneedofbrandy made a good point saying "I think there's a difference between settling and giving someone a chance that's not your type. " and in such a case time will tell if feelings grow.

And not my me and my case, i think a lot of poeple marry for less than love.

I don't want to be unhappy guess another question would be if i start of with an ok guy, can i grow to love him? can love grow in relationships that don't start with passionate flames of love glowing?

Our parents stayed in their relationships for life... its just what you did. not all of them where in it for love... but i guess again that is a life of misery if love never grows.

OP posts:

mrkidd85 · 27/10/2012 18:31

It's quite selfish of people to do this I think. I'd be quite hurt if I knew a person was only with me because of a lack of anything else.

thisisfartoohonest · 27/10/2012 18:47

really interesting thread.

I think I might be 'settling' at the moment. Our relationship didn't start off as settling. Initially, there was a lot of excitement and fun, but not enough getting to know each other properly. Now a few years down the line, with a young dd, we know each other a lot better, and our personalities, expectations, visions, emotions...don't fit well together. We don't talk properly. So, I feel like I have ended up 'settling' - a massive disappointment. I'm not sure how long, if at all, I should 'settle' for. Having a family makes this much harder.

I wish I had been wiser about the traits that were really important to me.

Coconutter · 27/10/2012 19:20

Do you always know if you're settling? How do you know when it's settling and when it's just the initial honeymoon period ending and the mundane everyday life kicking in?

VanderElsken · 27/10/2012 19:29

Do you deep down have respect each other? Do you find each other attractive? Not necessarily more than anyone else ever or like you once did but can you touch each other without cringing and enjoy being touched? Do you feel close? In that if you had a real problem you could talk about it and feel there was some intimacy. Are you able to have fun together? Not all the time but some times and without props of drugs or other people? Do you like each other as well as love each other? If there's a no to any of these and it's not because of a affair that's poisoned the viewpoint, i'd say it's settling.

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