Does anyone else quietly resent their DP?

[Jen547]

DD is 8 weeks old and I am on maternity leave until March.

Basically I feel hugely resentful to DP as it seems only MY life has changed since her arrival. As he works (shifts, starting at midday or 6pm) I generally do night feeds and early mornings. He sometimes can get really quite shirty if I ask him to do them and takes this out on DD by shouting at her and being just slightly to physical when handling her. So while he sleeps well almost every night I am exhausted.

I miss working as I thoroughly enjoy my job and I must admit I don't always enjoy parenthood (unplanned) although of course I love her with my whole heart!

I have no time to travel to see my friends as baby goes everywhere with me and I don't drive so this can be difficult, and often can't make plans as I don't know when he will be home to watch her, but he still has time to do all his sports and nights out with mates without worrying about child care as he knows I'll have her.

The only thing different in his life is he has a bit less spending money, whereas my life is unrecognisable and I find my self just being so angry at him all the time for this. Am I the only person who feels this way? Am I being selfish?

My mother and all her friends did not work in the 50s. My mother started partime in the early 60s, when we were all in our teens, and she loved it. She also loved her previous life as a SAHM with all her SAHM friends, when we were younger.

My sister was a SAHM with her 2 sons until they were 7&9, then she and DH changed roles at the age of 39. He took reduncancy and a small pension, and she could earn more in 40 hours than he could working 60 hours aweek. DH was good at renovating the house and playing football with DSs in school holidays and she wasn't. So, their plan was perfect. But while the dss were babies she loved being at home. What her DH did at home with having to work 60 hours a week to earn enough, and the renovating of the house , she never said. She did leave him once, I remember, and moved back to mum, and wouldn't speak to him when he phoned. But wouldn't talk about it. She did soon go back to him, and they have now been married for 43 years.

I know what you mean - I felt (and continue to feel) similarly, in that my life has changed beyond recognition whereas my dh's life has changed to a lesser extent. I read a book called Shattered: Modern Motherhood and the Illusion of Equality by Rebecca Asher. It explains why we end up this situation and why it is unfair to both mums and dads and compares the system in the UK with elsewhere. In a way its depressing because you realise how far there is to go to even things up - and I suspect my 18 month old daughter may well still be feeling the same in 25 or so years. On the other hand it was refreshing to see someone put my feelings into words and understand that a lot of others - from all walks of life - feel the same. There is a good review of the book on the guardian. www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2011/mar/26/modern-mother-equality-illusion

I disagree. The men I know are far more involved than their own fathers were. This is true in my social circle and in the school I work.

If I compare myself to my mother she left her parents house for her husband's house. I went to Uni, bought a house and had a career for a decade before I met DH. He was the same. We lived as independent adults long before we lived together. Maybe you get used to doing everything for yourself - and take that with you into a serious relationship/marriage? Thankfully for my Mum, my Dad had been brought up to do his fair share in the house and he carried on after getting married.

The type of attitude described by the OP would've been a deal breaker for me - I wouldn't have stayed with DH, or married him, if he behaved like a child. My friends are, unsurprisingly, of the same opinion.

That's a great article, Littlemrssleepy. Articulates all I want to say on the issue.

Shared parental leave is now coming into force - although what the uptake will be is anyone's guess. Still, from small acorns ...

Correction: it's being proposed with plans for it to be up and running by 2015

"to do them and takes this out on DD by shouting at her and being just slightly to physical when handling her"

get rid op
this isn't right and you know it.

well yes, although it is not shared parental leave in the way the book suggests it needs to be. Giving men the 'option' of being paid £135 SMP or no pay at all but merely the promise that their job will remain open will not work. What the books suggests is a Scandanavian model - mother has 6 months full pay, then father has 6 months full pay. If father doesn't use it, then the mother can't. Their breastfeeding rates, GDP output and other productivity measures are all better than in the UK.

Asher suggests the American model is better in terms of equality than ours - both mum and ad get pretty much jack all. Not particularly empathetic but I doubt employers worry so much about hiring women of a certain age.

Well my DH was pretty crap for the first year and a 1/2 but he didn't place expectations upon me and I also knew that if I got to the end of my rope there was another adult in the house to take over. We rode the storm with a sort of understanding and now we are back on track as equal parents.

My husband had full residency of his two DS when they were 4 months old and 15 months old. He had to take the kids to work when with ex as she never wanted to look after them. She has had 6 kids and they all got dumped with their 4 dads before they were 18 months, one when they were just 3 months old! We have a DD together, I BF but he has always done his fair share, would stare at DD all day if he got a chance, we still both do and she's 2! He does 3-4 nights a week with her as I work nights, she wakes at least once a night and he will always get up to her in the night. He never goes out socialising.

I hate it when bad behaviour of men is just thought of as a rule, it is NOT the rule. My OH and even my ex are good dads, and both did their fair share. It is a type of man that does nothing, I wouldn't touch them with a barge pole.

I just know that with my own DH part of the reason he didnt do anything was because I wouldnt let him, for completely irrational reasons. Part of it was also the fact that he was terrified and overwhelmed, (as was I, but I got on with it). The difference was, talking it though meant that he and I had the opportunity to address our issues. First year, first time parenthood is really tough. Good luck to you both x

That was a very unhelpful reply myview. No need for that at all

Absolutely that was completley unnecessary. The truth is that millions have cracked on and struggled and cracked on or possibly cracked up. Obviously motherhood is hard, but surely it is far healthier to voice resentment and concerns rather than bottling it all up which would almost certainly lead to more problems. Lets be honest here, all Mums (at some point whether it be at the newborn stage or much further down the line) resent their partner at some point, cause lets face men do for the most part get the better deal.

Yep, ditto. I don't know what those comments were all about.