Does anyone else quietly resent their DP?

[Jen547]

DD is 8 weeks old and I am on maternity leave until March.

Basically I feel hugely resentful to DP as it seems only MY life has changed since her arrival. As he works (shifts, starting at midday or 6pm) I generally do night feeds and early mornings. He sometimes can get really quite shirty if I ask him to do them and takes this out on DD by shouting at her and being just slightly to physical when handling her. So while he sleeps well almost every night I am exhausted.

I miss working as I thoroughly enjoy my job and I must admit I don't always enjoy parenthood (unplanned) although of course I love her with my whole heart!

I have no time to travel to see my friends as baby goes everywhere with me and I don't drive so this can be difficult, and often can't make plans as I don't know when he will be home to watch her, but he still has time to do all his sports and nights out with mates without worrying about child care as he knows I'll have her.

The only thing different in his life is he has a bit less spending money, whereas my life is unrecognisable and I find my self just being so angry at him all the time for this. Am I the only person who feels this way? Am I being selfish?

I have often thought that if I were a man I would want lots of children, but as a woman I'm dithering over even having one. So yes, I understand your resentment, I feel it just observing couples with babies. Fwiw, I know many mothers who hated the first few months, I don't think you're alone or neccessarily suffering from depression, it seems an entirely reasonable response to the stress you're going through. Your dp needs to step up though, being able to go out to work is one thing, arranging lots of activities in his 'free' time is quite another.

Why are you letting him treat you like shit?

You are "expected" to do all the housework?

By whom?

Why are you living up to this unreasonable expectation?

He he do his half before the baby came?

Or has he always treated you as a skivvy?

Why is it acceptable to either of you that he leaves you to do all the childcare?

In proper couples neither partner presumes the other one has fuck all to do other than mind the baby.

Also, if you find maternity leave boring, go back to work.

Really. I hated mat leave with DD1. It was boring as all fuck and I was lonely.

Life got much better when I went back to work when she was 3 months old.

And stop doing so much housework.

You get this leave to care for your baby, not skivvy after some lazy twat.

'You get this leave to care for your baby, not skivvy after some lazy twat'

I love it, well said.

HipHopOpotomus
The other thing I did OP, was from very early on, was insist that DP bathed the baby. this gave me 1/2 hour or so to be by myself, and put baby & father close together, with some good old skin on skin bonding. I had to show him what to do (cause I got the baby instructions didn't I ), but then he took off as his confidence grew and from that responsibility they developed such a close and lovely relationship.

This.
Even with XW who was an awful partner in many ways, I was always allowed to feed, bath, change and play with my children. Never understood men who don't want to do this stuff.

My employer at the time was a huge corporate who were fairly cool if the kids were ill, so I took time off too.

XW worked full time, so the sharing of parenting was very real and very important... which is why I was so upset that she tried to stop me seeing the kids later.

I've said before, I think boys/young men need a lot more exposure to what babies are like, and the work involved, before they are so lackadaisical about producing them...

"I was always allowed to feed, bath, change and play with my children."

Allowed?!

In our house this was just expected (other than feeding)

Thank you ashesgirl I feel you've hit the nail on the head and it's nice to know I'm not the only person who doesn't enjoy mat leave! And I hadn't thought of it as 'sexism' per se but you've got me thinking. I guess the only person expecting me to do everything is... Me. I think his upbringing didn't help (very 'helpful' mum) and he may just be used to kicking off his dirty socks in the living room and having someone pick them up. I don't think what I feel is even specific to him although its him who I take my resentment out on. Like I said I think it's just a very different experience and, without painting all dad's the same, it just isn't as 'baby-centred' for dads.

Sorry, but that's horseshit.

Decent men's lives change massively when they become fathers.

Because they want to be taking care of their new babies and their wives.

That he is living his life as usual except for being a jolly uncle when he fancies it to the baby who lives in his house speaks exceedingly ill of him.

I can see why you didn't choose to have a baby with him.

He stinks as a father.

My DH's life was very 'baby-centred'.

He didn't do night feeds (I breastfed) but he looked after DS every morning before work so I could sleep.

He came home and immediately took over with the baby so I could cook/have a bath/have a break.

He did bath time every night, and when I stopped feeding DS to sleep he did all the rocking to sleep.

On the weekends he would take the baby out for hours in the afternoon so I could rest, and would do half the housework.

His life changed COMPLETELY, almost as much as mine - but that was because he wanted it to, he didn't see me as a skivvy and he actually wanted to care for his son.

It's not normal for men to carry on exactly as before when they have kids - they do it because they are sexist arses.

Jen, are you shutting him out of the parenting? If you're keeping away from DD and then resenting it, there's your problem.

To me, a good father wants to be involved from the start and will push for it if needs be. But that's not to say he can't be 'got' involved. Otherwise you will just be a family of two, with a lodger.

keeping him* away

AThingInYourLife Wed 24-Oct-12 17:26:12
"I was always allowed to feed, bath, change and play with my children."

Allowed?!

In our house this was just expected (other than feeding)

XW was generally horrible, so I expected her to try and stop me...

I did all the night feeds for DS and most for DD

No. Both our lives have changed hugely since LO arrived 6 weeks ago. DH does the one night feed through the week and then an equal number of night feeds at the weekend. He feeds her when he comes home from work and usually cares for her all evening so I can rest (and MN). He makes sure we have bottles sterilised and 3 full ones in the fridge before he goes to work. He cooks, tidies and loads/empties the dishwasher, etc. as it needs done.

We do have a cleaner once a week.

I missed work so much when on mat leave. I was completely unprepared to just how much my life would change and it was a huge shock that did leave me slightly resentful of my dh. However, it dawned on me when my dd was about 11 weeks, that I was being a complete control freak. Hubby didnt do any of the night feeds, not because he wasn't willing but because I wouldnt let him as I didn't trust him to do it right. He never put her to bed at night because I didnt trust him to wind her properly. She had colic and screamed most of the day every day. I desperately wanted to fix it and would panic that if I let hubby do something he wouldnt do it properly and she would scream more. Also, that she might think I didnt love her if I handed her over to someone else (I wouldnt say I had PND either, but I was completely hormonal and slightly irrational at times). I had a big conversation with my hubby and aired how I felt (as did he) and we came up with a plan to try and make me feel a bit better. It worked, to an extent, I got a break and hubby got to bond (I think as women, we are sometimes completely confounded as to why the daddy doesn't just want to sit there and stare at the baby and would rather play on their Iphone instead, but after speaking to other mums I think that this is just a gender difference). I made him do bath times, which dd loved, so he got to do fun stuff with her rather than just take over from me when I was at my wits end with a screaming baby. Things improved slowly and as she got older hubby became more and more involved and found his stride as a dad. However, in all honesty, I missed my job all of the way through my mat leave. It is only now that she is 14 months and I am back at work 4 days a week that I wish I could work less so that I could spend more time with my gorgeous toddler. However, combining work and mummyhood is the right path for me; work gives me some sense of self, but being a mum gives my life a purpose. Sorry, a bit of a ramble, but I hope it helps you feel like you are not the only one xx

"I think as women, we are sometimes completely confounded as to why the daddy doesn't just want to sit there and stare at the baby and would rather play on their Iphone instead, but after speaking to other mums I think that this is just a gender difference"

If it's a gender difference, then I'm a lactating man.

Or you are the exception to the rule? Sorry, I dont mean to lump all men into the same basket, perhaps it is just my small social circle?

Ignore my last post - I got confused and thought you were saying you are a man! Must learn to read the whole thread!!

Yes, it's not a gender difference as such. Just more that SOME men think women will always pick up the work, if they look occupied with something else. And it works invariably!

Some men (not all) just expect women to do the childcare. It's an ingrained belief. Doesn't mean they are bad people but have never really thought about it and have never been challenged on it. If that's what they were brought up with, they just don't question it at all.

So unfortunately for you, OP, I think you have to challenge it and point out the unfairness here. We're not living in the 1950s anymore.

And tbh I'D rather play on my iphone than stare at a baby.

"Some men (not all) just expect women to do the childcare. It's an ingrained belief. Doesn't mean they are bad people but have never really thought about it and have never been challenged on it. If that's what they were brought up with, they just don't question it at all."

They are stupid, uncritical, selfish and lazy though.

I mean, they're not evil, but who the fuck wants someone as a partner who has never even considered that they might look after their own child?

I get your point AThing and it winds me up no end how entitled some men are.

BUT the reality is, they exist in droves and many on here are married to such men.

Thankfully, as women accept less and less of this bullshit, we are slowly changing these attitudes.

And is that part of the problem as well that women are still subtly but socially conditioned to accept their place in domesticity?

I know I very much thought my place was to be at home with the baby a few years ago. Until it drove me mental and I started questioning the role assigned to me.

I don't think we are changing these attitudes.

The attitude that women should do everything and men should do fuck all and just enjoy themselves is a pretty new one.

There used to be a division of labour. Now there are some women doing everything with men acting like overgrown children.

There is no good reason to put up with these losers.

Can't say I agree. More and more, I see a shift.

But yes, inevitably some entitled idiots exist, without a doubt.

I see a shift too - a shift from the idea that being a man meant you were responsible and looked after your family to the idea that being a man means you should have all the fun while your wife does all the work.

Can't say I know any data about this, AThing, but from everyday observation I'd say your assessment was twaddle! Every time I go to the shops now, there are young chaps pushing/walking their kids around. I see & hear them engaging with DC like proper parents. Ten or fifteen years ago, a man out solo with his child was hailed as a minor miracle, praised for being "Good", and I don't think I ever heard one talking normally to kids.

OP, don't let yours be a partial parent! Your DD will prefer a full set, I'm sure.
And if he doesn't care that much about her - kick him to the kerb.