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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Any budding psychologists wanna analyse man behaviour for me?

28 replies

CoolPatootieTango · 23/10/2012 09:32

My boyfriend tells me he wants us to live together but before we commit to get a house together he told me he was hoping I'd ask him to move in with me for a bit so we can get used to living together without making that overall jump into buying/renting a new house. I'm fine with that. So what we've been doing is he's been sleeping at my house usually once a week on a Friday night and spending all Saturday with me (we see each other other times throughout the week too but he actually sleeps over once a week). I suggested that this should increase to a few nights a week before we take the plunge. He agreed.

BUT! whenever I ask him to stay over, he seems reluctant! For example he was here on Sunday night until late, I asked if he wanted to stay, he said no as Monday morning was chaotic and he'd best leave me to it!

He's agreed to stay Wednesday night but didn't seem that enthusiastic about it and he's supposed to be staying Sunday night but he's already started wobbling about that.

Yet when I ask him he says he still thinks we should live together here before we do anything else!

So why the reluctance to stay over? should I just stop asking him to stay and see if he makes the effort to suggest it himself? don't wanna chase him or beg!

OP posts:

blazingoreos · 23/10/2012 09:38

Well, no one can answer this one for you - merely take guesses I'm afraid.

My advice would be to have a frank chat about it. ' You seem reluctant to stay over despite our discussion/agreement that we would do this. Why is that? '... there really isn't an awful lot more you can do.

How long have you been together? If it is less than 12 months then think hard abut moving him in. People are generally on their best behaviour for this duration and then they relax and start to show their true colours.

So, have the chat, ask him for an honest answer, not a fob off, and see what he says. My guess, for what it is worth, would be that he likes the idea but the reality is somewhat different.

DawnOfTheDee · 23/10/2012 09:43

It seems a bit odd to me that the 'staying over a couple of nights a week' thing came about as a result of a conversation about moving in together. Before this did you never used to stay over at each other's houses?

Ime this is what happens naturally then you have the conversation about moving in.

Coupled with you sensing a reluctance to stay over I agree with blazingoreos - I think you need to have a frank conversation about what the issues are and what you both want.

How long have you been together for?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 23/10/2012 09:50

With my coddest of cod psychiatrist hat on I'd say he's dipped a toe in the 'living together water' and emerged with very damp, cold feet..... He's talking a good game - probably because it's what he thinks he needs to say to keep you on board - tasted cohabitation, glimpsed matrimony and he realises that, if he goes along with the plan, there is no going back.

Original poster

CoolPatootieTango · 23/10/2012 09:53

Well we were supposed to be going shopping later and he text and cancelled just now.

He then sent a text asking if I want him to come to my house tonight instead and sleep over! talk about headfuck, he changes like the weather

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 23/10/2012 09:56

I'd be backing off from this one, remaining as independent as possible, tell him you've decided that house buying/sharing/living together etc is not on the cards and then watch him heave a huge sigh of relief......

dysfunctionalme · 23/10/2012 09:57

Sleeping over is kind of a pain, you have to pack your stuff and re-think the morning routine. Much more comfortable at home. I think he is just being lazy.

SorryMyLollipop · 23/10/2012 10:01

I don't agree that sleeping over is a pain. It's inconvenient but imo well worth it to get extra time with someone special.

You need to ask him about it. He doesn't sound very committed.

fluffyanimal · 23/10/2012 10:03

I don't get the "do you want me to come over to yours and sleep over?" It all sounds a bit unenthusiastic, a bit unspontaneous. Where's the "My place or yours?" on the unspoken assumption that of course you'll be spending the night together? And when do you go and spend the night at his?

I'm sorry but I think he's just not that into you.

AMumInScotland · 23/10/2012 10:05

One possibility is that he finds your flat to be very much your space rather than our space - moving in to someone's existing place can be quite different from moving somewhere new together.

But it does seem a little odd that "sleeping over" hasn't just naturally developed if you are in a longterm relationship and are starting to talk about next steps. It sounds all a bit like it is taking conscious thought, rather than the relationship developing on its own.

Are you both quite young? Is it a new thing for both of you to consider living together with someone? I'd definitely cool off on the living together aspect until you get a feel for where you both want to go with this - I also can't help noticing that you say he has told you that he wants to live together. Is it actually what you want? Some men like the idea of a combined housekeeper and sex on tap, and have expectations of what living together will be like, which are best squashed into something more realistic before you commit to it!

DawnOfTheDee · 23/10/2012 10:06

It seems from your posts that all the sleeping over happens at your house....is there a particular reason for this? How long have you been seeing each other for and how old are you both?

MonkeyRisotto · 23/10/2012 10:06

Any reason why you can't stay at his some nights?

It can be a pain to have to cart clothes, toiletries etc around. I did it for a little over a year with my DP, she stopped at mine 1-2 nights per week and I stopped at hers 2-3 nights per week, and it was fine, we both still got plenty of our own space, and got used to living with each other before I gave up my rented house and moved in with her.

Don't forget to have a frank discussion about finances before he does move in.

Having said all that, I do suspect Cogito may have this one on the nail.

KnightRob · 23/10/2012 10:21

My guess is that, on Sundays, you watch Downton Abbey but not Match of the Day 2

Original poster

CoolPatootieTango · 23/10/2012 10:34

He's so annoying he says these things and then acts all under pressure if I try and pull them off!!

So anyway, he asked if I wanted him to sleep here tonight. I'm sick of chasing him so replied "come here if you want to, upto you" and he's not replied yet.

My guess is that he'll reply and say "shall we leave it until weekend then?"

I'll update with the result soon!

OP posts:

Original poster

CoolPatootieTango · 23/10/2012 10:35

He was probably expecting a "yes would love you to stay over! xxx"

but nah, I'm not that desperate for company. Either he wants to come or he doesn't.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 23/10/2012 10:37

I'd actually make plans for the weekend if I were you. As you say, you're not desperate for company, you have a life and you shouldn't have to put plans on hold waiting for him to decide if you're worth the effort... "Shall we leave it until the weekend?" therefore gets "Sorry, I made other plans"

Original poster

CoolPatootieTango · 23/10/2012 10:51

umm he's proved me wrong this time and said he'd like to come if I'll have him.

Still going to stop asking him to stay over though, he can make the effort from now on.

OP posts:

LaQueen · 23/10/2012 11:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Slumberparty · 23/10/2012 12:30

This is going to sound very immature...but before i moved in with DP we used to stay over at each others places. I would always stay at his more, especially weekends as he preferred that to him staying at mine -reason? Simply down to the fact that I only had 'boring freeview' and he had the full 'Sky+ package' !
Could it be as silly as that?

ClippedPhoenix · 23/10/2012 12:41

He sounds like a total pain in the arse OP.

Like LaQueen says, stop being so available and do your own things more and more and more and more.

He will then probably disappear anyway.

geegee888 · 23/10/2012 13:04

I don't see why you need to increase the sleeping over before moving in together. Does he really need to be trained? I bet he is worried that if he moves in with you, his time will not be his own any more. You should both want the same thing, I'd be inclined to give him more freedom and not make an issue of who stays with who or when, but just concentrate on having fun and enjoying seeing each other. But then I've been accused of being too laid back about relationships!

LaQueen · 23/10/2012 13:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

overmydeadbody · 23/10/2012 15:05

How come you never stay at his? Is there a reason? Do you have kids?

I agree with others, make your own plans for the weekend, don't wait around for him, and let him deside if he stays over or not (provided it suits you of course).

I wouldn't say he wasn't that into you, we can't tell from the info we have, but it seems a bit strange that he doesn't want to sleep with you more. On the nights he doesn't stasy over, do you guys have sex and then he goes home?

How long have you been together and what else do you do together?

Mayisout · 23/10/2012 15:11

I was going to say tele. Does he watch corrie and ee at yours but Dave at his?

Other thing is sex. Is he expected to perform several times a night and the novelty is wearing off. Can he maintain an erection?

Psychologists ask these things. (from what I've heard)

Original poster

CoolPatootieTango · 23/10/2012 15:40

I have stayed over at his house loads of times but he lives miles away and it's a pain in the arse for me to get back for work the next morning - plus if I stay at his house, I need a babysitter.

I don't watch TV so he gets to watch whatever he wants when he's here - plus I have the full sky package, movies and everything so the TV can't be the problem!

We only have sex if he stays over, it's not a condition I put on it of course, it's just too much hassle waiting for the kids to go to sleep just to have a quick shag and then get dressed again - so it's not that he's getting sex whether he sleeps over or not.

We do loads of stuff together though, meals out, cinema, gigs, walks, boozing, weekends away - he does make an effort to see me and arrange stuff for us to do, it's just this sleeping over thing that is confusing me.

OP posts:

Original poster

CoolPatootieTango · 23/10/2012 15:41

He does maintain an erection and I don't make him perform all night! lol (although I'm sure he'd be willing if I did!!)

OP posts:

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