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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH Walked out last night

33 replies

jellybrain · 22/10/2012 10:57

Just need to off load. Thanks x

Things haven't been great for a long time. I don't know how I feel angry? sad? both?

2 Dses(12 and15) are aware that he has gone somewhere but, I am unable to tell them when or if he will be back. DS2 is really upset, asked if it was his fault. I have assured him it absolutely isn't. DS1 is 15 and HFA/Aspergers he just acknowledged what I said and was extremely agitated this morning, I ended up driving him to school as he was so late, he normally walks. DD is 7 she only knows that Daddy has gone out, I told her that he will be back later when she gets back from school, I don't know if he will. He has taken his passport and driving licence.

Just to add to the mix my mother in law lives here too, I am struggling to cope with her. A few gems so far have included "I can't look after the children, I am too old for that now". I haven't asked her to! And the best one this morning when told I still didn't know where he was,(his mobile is off besides which he only ever switches it on if he wants to call some one and therefore I have only left one message ) "I can't wash my hands of him". I raised my voice to her for the 1st time in 20 years. And she won't go anywhere today in case he calls.

Will someone come and hold my hand while I work out how to support my kids, hold down my job and find somewhere for us all to live.

OP posts:
GiserableMitt · 22/10/2012 10:59

I can't offer any practical advice but here to hold your hand.

Do you need to look for somewhere else to live? If he's buggered off, why can't he find somewhere else to live? And take his mother with him.

Lottapianos · 22/10/2012 11:02

So very sorry you're going through this Sad You're in the right place - there are loads of MNers who have been through similar and will be along really soon with some practical advice. Agree with Giserable, there's no reason why you shold be going anywhere if he's the one who has left! Sorry you're dealing with MIL as well, she sounds like a bit of a nightmare. If at all possible, ignore her comments. Do you have a friend or family member of your own who can come and help you out?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 22/10/2012 11:09

Was it at the end of an argument or for no apparent reason? Has he taken clothes and other practical stuff or just the passport and driving licence? My first instinct is to say 'don't panic' and don't chase around trying to find him. Keep your normal schedule for the time being and give it a few days for the dust to settle. Then you'll probably need RL support after that to tackle practical matters such as finances (and hiring a skip for the MIL to live in)... . Telling others is often the first step. Sorry you've had such a nasty shock. Take care

dequoisagitil · 22/10/2012 11:14

Has your MIL any other dc who might take her off your hands for the moment? I don't suppose she'd be that willing to go, but she might be persuadable by them.

I'm so sorry.

onemoreminute · 22/10/2012 11:17

Is there no one else MIL can stay with for a few days ?

MadAboutHotChoc · 22/10/2012 11:26

Check your bank accounts and take steps to protect your money.

Do you think he has someone else? Men very rarely walk out on their home comforts and family for no apparent reason.

You say things haven't been great. Has he been guarding his phone, picking little fights, criticising you etc?

MadAboutHotChoc · 22/10/2012 11:27

I would seek legal advice to find out where you stand - some solicitors offer free first half hours.

MyDonkeysAZombie · 22/10/2012 11:47

Another one holding your hand, OP, MAHC's advice is sound, Cogito is right don't waste energy trying to track him down. Is MIL infirm, is your husband an only child? I hope he makes contact soon, you and your DCs shouldn't have the added stress of wondering when he'll be in touch.

Original poster
jellybrain · 22/10/2012 11:50

The house isn't ours, it was bought by BIL after father in law died so that MIL didn't have to live by herself. We were happy to do this as we lived locally to her, the rest of the family live several hours away or, abroad. We don't [pay rent but contribute to expenses and household bills and we give a lot of practical and emotional support to MIL which Dhs siblings are either unwilling or unable to do. We have recently sold our own house and the money is in a bond whilst we decide/agree how to invest it.
He has taken some clothes though, not everything. He had a fairly large suitcase with him.

We did have a row but, it was by no means the worst we have had. I challenged the way he had handlled a situation with DS2, I felt that he had been too harsh and said that perhaps he needed to rethink the way he reacted to his behaviour as the current strategy of zero tolerance and removing of priveleges wasn't working. His reply was that he had to behave the way he did because I was incapable of ensuring good behaviour from any of our children and as such a waste of space. He then went on to say that when ever he had been less involved in the past the boys have been out of control. They are not. DS2 is a mostly charming boy doing well at school. DS 1 is polite and hardworking and copes well with the difficulties life as an Aspie throws at him. DD is 7 and growing in confidence and again a lovely child most of the time. All 3 of them can be hardwork at times, exasperating and wonderful in equal measure.
There had also been an issue earlier in the day when after being asked about the tooth fairy by dd he had told her that it was made up. She was devistated. When I suggested that we could have handled it differently and that he should have left it with me as we had agreed he became angry saying again that it was my fault.
During the row about DS2 I accused him of being a bully. He told me that I needed to go as the house belongs to his family and I have no right to be here if we separate. I said nothing but took DD out of the adjacent room to the kitchen and chatted with her about some home work she had done. Around 1/2 hour later he walked past the kitchen with a suitcase in his hand. I didn't go after him because I honestly thought it contained my belongings. I remained in the kitchen with DD for a few minutes until MIL came and asked if I could talk to her. She told me that DH had gone and taken his Passport, he had left it in the hall whilst putting on his shoes. It was suggested that I go after him, I refused saying that I had to put the children first and that chasing after him would not only be completely fruitless it would cause further anguish particularly for them.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 22/10/2012 11:59

It does sound a lot like you have to prepare for a solo life. The housing situation is unusual enough to warrant a visit to a solicitor or CAB. With no formal tenancy agreement with BIL and with MIL saying she can't wash her hands etc., they may have ideas to evict you and I have no idea where you or the DCs would stand legally with that. A share of the proceeds from your old home would certainly be yours and you'll need that if you want to start fresh. Make sure that is safe, won't you?

CrackerJackShack · 22/10/2012 12:03

No advice to offer, but what a jerk! Not only to you, but to his poor mother, she must feel awful to be in the middle of this. How can he put you in this situation! Grrrr

mumblechum1 · 22/10/2012 12:08

Jelly, how is the bond held? Can either of you access it without the other's signature? If so, then I recommend that you see a solicitor as soon as possible to secure an undertaking from your husband not to take anything out of the bond, under threat of a freezing injunction.

You can find a family lawyer on the website www.resolution.org.uk. You don't have to make any decisions about anything just yet but you really do need to make sure that the bond is left untouched.

MadAboutHotChoc · 22/10/2012 12:17

The large suitcase plus passport worry me - especially now you have told us about the bond. A man storming out after a row will only take an overnight bag and his wallet - he must have been planning and thinking about this for some time but was waiting for the right time, he might even has manufactured the row in order to have a reason for walking out.

Do protect yourself and DC and please come back to tell us you have taken steps to ensure he cannot access the money.

daffydowndilly · 22/10/2012 12:21

My understanding from having a grown up sibling who has lived with our parents now for a few years, is that you do have legal rights to remain in the home as you are a permanent resident. i.e. they may not be able to sell the home without your signature. So it might be worth having that clarified with a solicitor before you rush out. If nothing else it might buy you time.

You have to do something about that bond, call the bank and freeze it or see a solicitor. Before it gets cashed in, spent/lost.

If/when he comes crawling back, you need to have thought about how you might handle that. He has threatened you by trying to evict you, and acted like a huge toddler storming out with his passport and leaving you to care for the children and his elderly mother. If he has it in his head he is not happy in the marriage, if you don't set boundaries down that you are comfortable with, you will get hurt over and over.

daffydowndilly · 22/10/2012 12:24

Think about money in any joint current/savings accounts too, or any joint credit cards that are under your name as the credit holder. You don't want to be left with no money for bills/food, or debt.

clam · 22/10/2012 12:33

It looks to me as though you have been set up here. As madabouthotchoc said, that row sounds engineered. Any chance he could have had a trip planned already?

Original poster
jellybrain · 22/10/2012 12:38

Hi Mumblechum, I had a look at the website you linked to but only seemed to be for Scotland. I will have another look though as I know I need to sort this from a legal point of view. The financial situation is quite complex and I know I need advice regarding this. Am kicking myself that I haven't paid enough attention to this.

have just checked house money it is in a joint savings account so it could be accessed relatively quickly. Though I have a feeling both of us need to sign to withdraw anything from it.There are a couple of bonds held in sole names for both of us. The intention was to use these to support dcs through uni.

OP posts:
worldgonecrazy · 22/10/2012 12:39

The very first thing you need to do is try and secure your bank accounts so that he can't empty them whilst you are in shock.

It does sound like he's planned this, and possibly even engineered the argument too.

Go down now to the bank and draw out enough to live on for the next month if you can.

Original poster
jellybrain · 22/10/2012 12:47

Clam and Madabouthotchoc. He has threatened to go a number of times. On the last occaision I called his bluff and said that if he was going to go he should do so and not keep issuing empty threats. I said that I didn't have the energy to keep begging him to stay and try to work things out.

OP posts:
Original poster
jellybrain · 22/10/2012 12:59

Just had lunch MIL says she will ring BIL because she needs to 'talk to someone about this' and has just informed me that DH was crying when he went.

OP posts:
Pollymagoo · 22/10/2012 13:08

Have you seen a solicitor yet? If not get to one this week as a matter of urgency? Have you alerted the banks ?
You are in serious danger of being bullied from all sides.
Take action NOW. Yes you are in shock and a lawyer or CAB will understand that. But whatever you do SORt it

Original poster
jellybrain · 22/10/2012 13:20

solicitors appointment booked for Wednesday Sad. Didn't want this to happen but need to wake up to the fact that it really is on very shaky ground and has been for a while.
The first 1/2 hour is free but, am shocked at the hourly rate. Don't know how else to deal with this.

OP posts:
izzyizin · 22/10/2012 13:27

Lock down all savings accounts/bonds/joint bank accounts NOW and confirm all conversations you have with bank and other officials in writing - email will do - 'with reference to our conversation today at x time etc'.

He may be indulging in a grand flounce to go with his large suitcase and crocodile tears passport but there's an equal possibility that he's planned this for some time and, given that you live in your mil's house by her grace, you could find yourself desitute and out on your ear if you don't act in the best interests of yourself and your dc NOW.

FWIW, on the little you've said about him, your h appears to be a bullying twunt of the common or garden variety and the only way to deal with this type of man is to face them down and, in his absence, you can demonstrate your intention of standing firm by making sure he can't access any funds that fall within the category of joint marital assets without your say so and, more importantly, without your signature.

Please don't make the mistake of thinking your h and your mil won't shaft you as the reality is that they can and they will if it suits them to do so.

ACT NOW, honey, and that'll be one front you can sleep easily on tonight.

Lovingfreedom · 22/10/2012 13:36

I think you've done the right thing so far by sticking with the children and not running after him AND by staying in the house.
Is your MIL stirring? Try to ignore her if she is.
Definitely agree on securing bank accounts etc and no harm in getting legal advice. You'll be surprised how much a solicitor can cover in half an hour. You'll get an idea of what to do next and what your rights are re residency etc.

MadAboutHotChoc · 22/10/2012 13:40

To make the most of your sol appointment write down your questions.

I would be wary around your MIL as she might be one of those MILs whose son takes priority over DIL. I wouldn't take any notice of his crocodile tears.

I very much hope that I am wrong about your H's possible intentions but his actions have left you with little choice except to protect your own family.