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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Confused - am I right, wrong or just mad?

27 replies

BluebellPolka · 21/10/2012 02:12

I met someone about 15 years ago when we were both single. I thought he was lovely but nothing happened. All this time on and I still see him regularly as we have the same social circle but we are both married to other people and I have two lovely sons. About six months ago he told me he had feelings for me. My DH and I are having problems just now and this situation is not helping. All my feelings going back 15 years have been dredged up and I can't stop thinking about this other man. We are both quite quiet and we have an awful lot in common so we get on really well. This further complicates things as I would miss him as a friend but the rational part of my mind knows that I can't be his friend as things stand. But I really don't think I can let him go at the moment. He is manipulative - I went out with my sister and he turned up telling me he was jealous I might meet someone else. So I think he has a problem not me, he's just dragging me into it. I am suffering from mild depression at the moment which he professes to understand but if he really did then surely he wouldn't treat and confuse me like this when I am emotionally vulnerable? Or am I wrong?

OP posts:

Dryjuice25 · 21/10/2012 02:30

Red massive flags. He has issues and you're not mad.

Can you not seek to repair things with dh?

Original poster

BluebellPolka · 21/10/2012 02:38

I don't know - at the moment my head is all over the place and I shouldn't be making any life changing decisions! My DH is a good kind man and I don't want to throw that away but I think I need more. But I'm glad to hear someone else say I'm not mad!

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foxtrottango · 21/10/2012 02:46

These feelings have come about because you are having problems in your marriage and this man has shown an interest. They are confusing but quite superficial and if you cut contact you may be surprised just how quickly these 'feelings' disappear.

He is showing big red flags and it would be best not to get involved with him at all. Concentrate on your marriage, if you can fix it then all good, if you cant you can go your separate ways. But do so on your own, this man is not going to solve any problems, he will only create them. He has you questioning your sanity now, imagine how you would feel if you were actually in a relationship with him. Sort your marriage situation out and if you end up single, thats no bad thing. You don't need this man waiting in the wings.

Frankly, he sounds like trouble, checking up on you is not good at all and you say yourself he is manipulative. You are not mad, you are confused and this man knows it and is seeking to take advantage. Get him out of the picture and you may find things between you and DH improve. Its hard to think clearly when you have a demon on your shoulder. Concentrate on yourself and forget about anyone else.

And don't tell him where you are going the next time you go out with your sister, he has no right to check up on you, i would be getting angry about that, not confused!!!

Im sure you will get some better advice soon but i know how you feel with one relationship gone stale and another man trying to confuse things. Please for your own sake forget about him. Its hard but try and stay strong, good luck

deleted203 · 21/10/2012 02:51

Agree with Dryjuice. Massive, MASSIVE red flags! He is manipulative. He told you he had feelings for you (nice for his wife!). He stalked you when you were out with your sister. He feels he has the right to intrude in your evening because he is jealous and fears you might meet someone else. He plays on your emotions, despite knowing you are suffering mild depression and yet professes to 'understand' you....

This is just the tip of the iceberg. You say your DH is a good, kind man. This other man is not. Please cut him out of your life immediately. You do not want to risk your marriage and your sons' happiness for a self centred, manipulating, jealous creep like this one. I would have major concerns about his completely inappropriate behaviour if this were me, TBH.

Hyperballad · 21/10/2012 02:52

It sounds like you need to sit things out with DH and like you say don't make any decisions until you feel a bit clearer in the head.

When I had depression I found it very hard to make the simplest of decisions!

Your friend although I'm sure is very nice doesn't sound good for you at the moment. I'd suggest keeping at arms length until you feel more sorted with the DH situation and then acess things with your friend again then.

Original poster

BluebellPolka · 21/10/2012 02:53

Thank you! You've just confirmed all the things I have been thinking but it is reassuring to hear someone else say them! I find it so hard to get my thoughts in any kind of order at the moment it's sometimes hard to see what the way ahead should be.

OP posts:

foxtrottango · 21/10/2012 03:01

If you were thinking what we are telling you it shows your thought processes weren't that far out. You just needed a bit of confirmation. Trust your instincts as you were right to be wary. Be gentle with yourself and don't make any rash decisions, it can be like trying to think your way through fog but as long as you're clear that you don't want this man in your life, the fog should clear slightly

Original poster

BluebellPolka · 21/10/2012 03:05

That's the problem - at the moment I don't trust my instincts so I desperately needed confirmation! And as this man is a friend of my friends I feel I can't talk to anyone about this so I've got no one to help.

OP posts:

Hyperballad · 21/10/2012 03:07

You can talk to us :)

Original poster

BluebellPolka · 21/10/2012 03:09

Thank you! This has helped me no end - I'm glad something good has come out of this bloomin insomnia!!

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Hyperballad · 21/10/2012 03:11

It is fantastic how we are never on our own in the middle of the night with MN!

Original poster

BluebellPolka · 21/10/2012 03:16

I know! I've been having difficulty sleeping for a few weeks now and have never been on here at this time but I will be in future!!

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Hyperballad · 21/10/2012 03:21

Which came first then Bluebell, the troubles with your DH or your depression?

Original poster

BluebellPolka · 21/10/2012 03:25

The troubles with my DH came first. I had a miscarriage last year and since then things have been rocky. I didn't get much support from him as he was going through problems at his work and I resented that so things kind of developed from there. We did have a huge 'clear the air' talk which improved things but I don't feel they are the same as before and I don't know if they ever will be.

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Hyperballad · 21/10/2012 03:32

Oh I am really sorry for your loss. I haven't been through a MC, I can only imagine your pain.

That is really positive that a good talk did help things a bit with your DH, perhaps another one is on the cards soon?

Do you think he is grieving too?

The depression makes things tough doesn't it, I always felt like I was in a really thick fog when trying to think.

Original poster

BluebellPolka · 21/10/2012 03:37

A thick fog is exactly how I would describe it. I've always been quite organised in my thoughts but I can't seem to get any semblance of order to them at the moment and I find it really frustrating. And it's making me doubt myself dreadfully - I've never exactly been confident but this is taking self-doubt to a whole new level! How did you get through it?

OP posts:

Hyperballad · 21/10/2012 03:50

Well after eventually admitting to myself that I was probably depressed (I fought it for ages 'because I don't do depression'!) I went to docs and he gave me tablets. They helped gradually after a few side effects at first.

To deal with the great fog I took the pressure right off myself by deciding I wasn't going to make any decisions. I had always been a decisive person and always in control so I kind of decided to give in to it and just not decide anything for a while and just go with the flow, day by day (which naturally isn't me at all!). This did help as I accepted 'the fog' instead of trying to fight through it all the time.

Also I did lean a lot on my nearest and dearest for support, usually taking form of cuppa, cake and chats. Which really helped me, but I didn't tell anyone but my closet family that I was depressed.

Hyperballad · 21/10/2012 03:54

Oh and I did always try to remind myself that there are others far worse off than myself. The darkness of depression warped my reality a lot so this helped to put things in perspective.

Original poster

BluebellPolka · 21/10/2012 03:58

I don't really go with the flow either so I'm having great difficulty in that area. I get really annoyed with myself when I can't think straight. I also find it hard to speak to anyone - both my mum and my sister suffer from depression so I don't want to bother them. My closest friend's wife has cancer so I can't unload on him either so I feel quite isolated which I don't think helps. My younger son started Primary one after the summer so that is me at home by myself now and that was the trigger to seek help. I realised that taking him and his brother to school then coming home and going back to bed because I didn't want to face anyone was not the way things should be! I am trying to get a job and when I eventually do I hope things will improve. In the meantime I'm on tablets which do help.

OP posts:

Hyperballad · 21/10/2012 04:08

Yes I found myself very familiar with my bed over that period! Yes it must be tough to not have people to talk with. Although I didn't speak to anyone about the reality of what was happening to me apart from my mum and dad, I deliberately surrounded myself with people that chatted non stop so I didn't have the pressure of having to talk! I'm lucky in that way, I have a few friends that waffle on that I can still see them when I'm extra tired or down and the conversation keeps going! That might be isolating to some people but it helped me!

I felt incredibly lonely and isolated during my depression, I could be in a room with all my loved ones and still feel like that. It's just one of the horrible symptoms.

I would definately suggest giving yourself a break from thinking for a while. If that makes sense?

Original poster

BluebellPolka · 21/10/2012 04:14

It makes perfect sense! And thank you - this has helped more than I could have believed!

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Hyperballad · 21/10/2012 04:17

Oh I'm so pleased :)

Maybe we should both try and get some sleep now .....I'll decide that for the both of us

Hyperballad · 22/10/2012 00:46

How's your day been Bluebell?

Opentooffers · 22/10/2012 12:58

Thank God that your DH is not the type to turn up when you are out with your Sis due to jealousy. That clearly makes him less messed up, this friend has no claim to you but seems to think he does 'big red flag' - imagine how obsessive he would be if you were his GF or DW, you would have no life at all. It's a very unhealthy obsession he has with you and it is not good for your MH to get involved. Give him a wide birth from now on, be careful and be prepared for possible desperate attempts to regain your attention as you detach from him but remain disengaged it really will be for the best.

Original poster

BluebellPolka · 22/10/2012 13:44

Thanks everyone! Hi Hyperballad, I had a fairly rubbish day yesterday as I was shattered after not sleeping on Saturday night. But I have been putting all advice given into practice and as a result I am feeling better already! I have backed away and as a result this person is making attempts to regain my attention but this is good because it is letting me see what a sad and desperate individual he really is! I feel stupid that it has taken me several months to see this but thanks to you and the other lovely helpful people here I feel positive and hopeful for the first time in ages!

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