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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Upset over DH behaviour towards my dad

78 replies

riamay2011 · 20/10/2012 21:21

Tonight we went to see a wedding venue with my pops. My dad has been having a tough time with his business at the min and has literally tied all his money into it, plus borrowing a huge amount of money to buy out a partner has really put him through the mill. Never to say he told me and My so called fiancé that he would give us 5k towards our wedding. We got back in the car and my partner started slating my dad saying how 'tight' he was and that he couldn't believe that's all the money he was giving us.! I tried to back my dad up and say he is having a hard time at the minute and that we had just attended my partners sisters wedding where she spent 15k in one day and how he thought it was such a waste so I didn't understand where he was coming from? He now has turned all bitter on me telling me to book a shit wedding on a shit budget and be happy with the end result.???? He said he was only pissed off because he wants me to have a good day but 5 k to me is a lot of money and u can do a lot with that. I feel so hurt and now he's saying forget it???? And that he won't be contributing any money to it I've come to bed on my own had a little cry but more angry how can he do this to me this is suppose to be the best day of my life and he is ruining it :(

OP posts:
GranToAirMissiles · 20/10/2012 22:10

Was just about to post what moggiek has already said - this is your opportunity for a lucky escape. He's after the money he thinks your Dad has.

Ajaney · 20/10/2012 22:59

This reminds me of some friends my DP grew up with. There was a girl who's father owned a multi-million pound business in the packaging industry. There was a lad who's family were working class. They got together, the other friends in the were a bit 'hmmm' it as they didnt seem to have much in common and the lad did most of the chasing.

Anyway, they married in a really big ceremony (paid for by daddy). The lad worked for her father for a while then the business ran into trouble and folded quite suddenly. Father had to sell the car that the lad was running about in and sold the big family home. Within a year, the lad had left the girl and their baby daughter.

Please think again about marrying this man. Is he showing his true colours?

cumfy · 21/10/2012 00:04

When did he propose ?

redwhiteandblueeyedsusan · 21/10/2012 00:19

another one saying don't marry him. sound like you would be fighting over money all the time. he does not sound the right person for you.

Serendipity30 · 21/10/2012 00:28

Your partners disgusting attitude aside i am shocked knowing you father is financially struggling you are willing to take 5k from him, and even worse to marry such an arse. Why does he have such expectations for your father to pay?

onyx72 · 21/10/2012 00:38

Yup - this doesn't sound good at all. He sees your dad as a meal ticket. Sad

TheSilverPussycat · 21/10/2012 00:40

Please think hard about marrying anyone. If it all turns sour and you have inherited money, or have been gifted money to minimise future Inheritance Tax, then if you divorce he will claim half. This happened to me, when we married we didn't know my v secretive and frugal DF was quite wealthy, once we did know and DF made me a gift, Ex began cocklodging, I think due to weakness of character.

CathynotClaire · 21/10/2012 00:55

Your DP is a disgrace. If you must be with him, just do not get married. I suspect your troubles with this man have only just begun and if you married, he will really show his true colours. If he really wanted you to have a good day, he has already spoilt it now. I agree, cocklodger in waiting,

SkinnedAlive · 21/10/2012 01:02

Sorry to hear how upset you are OP :( If it was the other way around, and his father said he had financial problems - what would your reaction be? Probably to offer to help in some way (not necessarily financial) not to throw a tantrum about not getting money. I have to agree with the others. He sounds spoilt and entitled. Maybe he does love you for you, but he is not behaving in a very caring way to your family, and it doesn't sound like you want to be with a man with those sorts of values that behaves like this towards your family.

ChippingInLovesAutumn · 21/10/2012 01:18

OMG - I'd be saving myself and my Dad a whole lot of money & heartache by not marrying this bloke. Honestly, your life will be a complete misery if you do. I know you have a DD, but I'd still leave him, he's got an awful, awful attitude.

If you can say 'the man I love most in this world' and mean your Dad, not the man you are about to marry - then you need to have a damn good think about how you really feel about your OH. Just because you have been together a reasonable amount of time and have a DD together doesn't mean you have to marry him or stay with him. I wouldn't, he's not a nice person.

Dryjuice25 · 21/10/2012 01:20

He wants a great day for himself not for you. Your poor dad! He really doesn't care about him but his money. Dump the gold digger. He won't contribute to his own wedding??? wtaf? Why did he agree to wed then? Your dad owes him nothing. DITCH HIM.

AdoraBell · 21/10/2012 07:48

Tell him that your father is officially broke and on the verge of losing the business and the house/s and may need to come and live with you once you are married. Of course you wouldn't dream of taking a penny off your parents in terms of rent. That should sort out wether the boyfriend is interested in you or your family's money. Watch his body language as well as listening to his response.

There is no "should" when it comes to the amount a parent pays either for or towards their child's wedding. My OH and I paid for our own wedding and I know lots of friends who have down the same.

Astelia · 21/10/2012 07:59

Terrible, terrible behaviour from your DF. I know it will not be easy to get away from this man as you have children together but don't marry him. He thinks he is entitled to your dad's money and slags off your father behind his back- he is so selfish but pretending he is doing it for you. Shame on him.

WynkenBlynkenandNod · 21/10/2012 08:06

Oh dear, that doesn't sound good. Reminds me a but of my cousin's ex wife, his parents are loaded. There was a big thing over an inheritance of a house when my other Aunt died. Mum became estranged from that side of the family.

Roll on 8 years, I find my other cousin and get back in touch. Cousin's wife has gone off and married a doctor. Next year she's buggering off miles away to live in some big house before her daughter has even left school (she'll be staying with her Dad in a flat).

It must be very painful but there's no way I'd marry someone who has said that about my Dad.

waltermittymissus · 21/10/2012 08:07

I can only add to what everyone else is saying.

What is he like generally? Has he mentioned money before?

Tbh I wouldn't have even considered taking money from my dad in that situation but it seems you've realised that's probably not a good thing to do!

Did he know about your dad's wealth when you started your relationship?

These are all questions that I would be asking myself!

SavoyCabbage · 21/10/2012 08:11

He sounds like a total git. You shouldn't marry him even though you have a dd together.

I would be very tempted to tell him that your dad's business has gone bust and he has no money left, like Adora said.

Afrodizzywonders · 21/10/2012 08:13

OP, my honest opinion is that you should cool off the wedding for a bit......that outburst sounded awful, incredibly rude and presumptuous. Your Father needn't contribute anything ( mine couldn't) it was up to DP and I to save and do it and we did, times have changed.

When things have calmed down, write a list of your concerns that have stemmed from this and sit down and go through it with your DP. If you can't work this out rationally with him I'd question your whole future together.

Best of luck.

ScarahScreams · 21/10/2012 08:25

I also think you should put the wedding on hold. He sounds like a nasty piece of work. I wouldn't accept the money from my Dad in those circumstances.

Original poster
riamay2011 · 21/10/2012 11:50

Thanks for all your messages ladies
He came up to bed about 2 am and I just pretended to be asleep even tho I had just been up with DD. he is trying to be really nice to me today asking for cuddles Etc Angry he hasn't mentioned anything about yesterday or said sorry
I no we are going to go to his parents house today and I really don't want to Sad I have not really spoken to him today

OP posts:
Afrodizzywonders · 21/10/2012 11:52

Sit down with him later and explain how you feel about his behaviour. If needs be show him how he completely got the thumbs down by the ladies here on Mumsnet!! He needs to think long and hard about how he behaved yesterday and his attitude to your fathers money.

waltermittymissus · 21/10/2012 11:54

Why are you being so passive about this? If he's asking for cuddles tell him to fuck off and tell him why!

If you're in a fight, don't go to his parents house. Or if you do go, ask them how much they're giving you for the wedding. Tell them your DP doesn't think anything less than £10k is acceptable (apparently).

PosieParker · 21/10/2012 12:00

You sound very very young..... And I'm shocked that a 'millionaire' couldn't pay for quite a few things in your life.

Still most grown ups pay for their own wedding and your fiancé sounds like a dick.

Doha · 21/10/2012 12:45

Good point waltermittymissus
how much is his parents paying towards the wedding?

Kewcumber · 21/10/2012 12:53

"And I'm shocked that a 'millionaire' couldn't pay for quite a few things in your life" but if you read OP he patently obviously isn't a millionaire just because OP's partner described him as such - having a million pound business with a million pounds of debt means you have nothing (except potential).

TiAAAAARGHo · 21/10/2012 12:55

He's after your money, not you. I'd ditch him. He's being nice now because he is trying to make sure his appalling behaviour does not stop him from getting his hands on any inheritance you may receive.

I can understand why your Dad may not be able to assist. I've seen a lot of asset rich but cash poor 'millionaires' over the last few years.

If you really want to see your DP's true colours, have your dad tell him that any inheritance you get will be held on trust for you and your children only (i.e. it will never be availablye to him other than through you).