upset & baffled over dh response to my fricking hair cut!

[tennesseyhennessey]

In the grand scheme of things and what others are going through, i realise this is very trivial but i am so hurt ans upset. It is long and possibly boring!

Without wanting to drip feed i have posted before about dh and him possibly being emotionally abusive. He is depressed (work related, he is trying to look for other work)but will not see a dr again or take tablets/speak to anyone. I packed up and left which seemed to make him see sense. After nearly a week a returned after promises of change. It has been about 10 weeks and so far it has been the best it has been for along time.

So yesterday i had all my hair cut off. think shoulder length blonde in to a short crop. The shortest its been since being with dh. I have recently lost 3 stone and always wanted short hair but felt i would look awful having super short hair and being over weight. It was my 'goal' treat to myslef. He knew i was having it done, he would prefer me with long hair but with 2 small dc who i do ALL the running around for it always ended up with it scraped back. I dont have time to straighten and make it look nice.

Everyone who has seen it thinks it looks great/suits me/makes me look thinner. APART.FROM.HIM. When i got back last night he just said 'what the hell has she done to your fringe.' He then got ready for work (late shifts) and ignored me. i asked what his problem was and he said he just didnt want to go to work. He ignored me when he got in-1am, i had fallen asleep on sofa, and he slept as far to the edge as possible in bed with his back to me. This mornign just as i was getting ready to go to work he came downstairs, stood in the kitchen in his boxers and told me he hated my hair, i think hewas waiting for me to apologise but i just said 'well its too late now its gone.' im not going to apologise for having my hair cut. He then ignored me til i left.

This is so childish but i am so upset i hid in the bathroom to cry. Its hair for gods sake. I dont want to go home, i hate being ignored, its been so good for the past fewweeks when i came back and its turning to shit over a bloody hair cut-which incidently i love.

I agree with mrsdevere - this is not about your hair. It's about you gaining confidence, losing weight and generally looking great. He feels threatened ( hence the hair and clothes put downs) and he is tryin to make you miserable. Tell him to grow up and behave like an adult, then ignore him until he does.

So, he has reverted back to type then ?

It really is as simple as that. Stop looking for other reasons

You said he is (has been) emotionally abusive ? You thought leaving for a few days would stop him doing it. You thought wrong.

He sounds like a complete tosser. I bet you look great!

What a loser. Sulking over someone else's hair? He just likes to control you. Mr Nice guy act didn't last long, did it? Your daddy's girl DD will learn that this sort of behaviour is what she should expect in a relationship. What will happen when she gets a haircut he doesn't like?

op,if he has changed 360 degrees, I think you need to have a long talk through about the hair issue.
Point out to him that you think is behaviour is not on.

Now that you are loooking so great,his own insecurities seem to be rising to the surface.
He may well be terrified that you will leave him for someone else.

You could tell him what you said upthread about how you wanted him to be proud that he had a wife that looks as good as you do now.

IME these kind of guys are never happy though. You lose weight you look great...he doesn't like your hair. He's the expert on whether boots go with a skirt, he's the expert on women's hair styles. He knows she wants him to like how she looks...that is why he plays these head games about it.

It's control pure and simple. I decide whether you look and feel good. You are nothing without me. You need me.

He is panicking cos he knows OP looks amazing and at some point will realise just what she is realising now...that she doesn't actually get much from him...and that she could do a Hell of a lot better without a loser like him bringing her down.

Sorry trying to post between working!
atilla he was definately not wonderful when he broke ds ship, and if my son ever treated or made a future partner feel like i do i'd be so ashamed. If my aughter was treated like this id be begging her to leave, which is what my mum wants me to do. I dont want this to be the basis of what an adult relationship is like for my children.

i agree with all the above comments that this is about control. With the insecurity part i have poo-poohed it off when my dad mentioned it but maybe he is right. Although if this is the issue im fairly certain it would be 'other men looking' rather than me being on the look out IYSWIM?!

I really need to talk to him, but i feel so sick at the prospect of confrontation. My colitis is in over drive now that it is getting close to home time.

loving the bizarre thing is i used to work in fashion as a visual merchandiser before having children so should know a bit about fashion, he seems to know better though!

hilde congratulations on getting away! i can imagine this is how my dh would behave

TH,

Re your comment:-

"atilla he was definately not wonderful when he broke ds ship, and if my son ever treated or made a future partner feel like i do i'd be so ashamed. If my aughter was treated like this id be begging her to leave, which is what my mum wants me to do. I dont want this to be the basis of what an adult relationship is like for my children.

i agree with all the above comments that this is about control. With the insecurity part i have poo-poohed it off when my dad mentioned it but maybe he is right. Although if this is the issue im fairly certain it would be 'other men looking' rather than me being on the look out IYSWIM?!"

Make the first paragraph your new mantra and listen to what your parents are saying to you. They know you and they are worried for you

It is and it always has been about power and control. That is what abuse is about.

"I really need to talk to him, but i feel so sick at the prospect of confrontation"
Why do you have a need to talk to him?. Talking to him is a complete waste of oxygen because he will not listen to you and you will not be able to make him reason. He does not think he is doing anything wrong in the first place!.

This is about the fact that he is a prick - but only to you.
I also got all my hair cut off. I love it!!!!! And so does everyone who has seen it.
I won't be asking FWEX for his opinion - which would only be to ask how much money I had spent at the hairdressers - being as how I do go three or four times ... a year!
Get rid! As others have said, this is NOT about your hair - which sounds really pretty!

Like lots of others I agree that he is just saying horrible things for control and not because there is any thrush to his comments. If anything, I suspect the more he thinks you look good the nastier his comments are going to be.

If you stay with him then you need to use his own tactics against him and also turn it into a game. So whether you play bad mouth bingo (and make up a list of possible insults he might make each week, so you can cross them off when he does, give each a points score and see how many points you get each week.reward yourself on the basis of these - from a bar of choc/glass of wine/nice magazine to read through to a new handbag or clothes etc to when he has been particularly nasty. Obviously choose your own rewards as to what you like!) or just rate him on his being mean and nasty skills each time - whatever. Know that he isn't being nasty because it's true, he's being nasty to hurt and control you.

Also work out some comments to throw back at him (so long as you don't think it will escalate into violence) so he can see he's not getting to you. So say on the basis that being really mean means he thinks it looks good therefore he has to be extra nasty, if he says something bad then laugh and tell him that he obviously likes it then or that your surprised he likes this outfit so much etc. Or if he isn't really mean tell him your surprised he doesn't like it more.

Anything really to take the power out of his comments and by treating them as no more than a game you are taking the power from him.

TH

You need to come to an understanding that the abuse is not your fault. Many people put up with abusive situations thinking that if they simply make changes to placate the abuser that things will get better. Do not own the problem. Your first step in leaving an abuser is to realize you are not the cause of the abuse and that you deserve better.

Do not engage in game playing as you will only come off worse from such encounters; you need to have a plan to separate from him for your own sake as well as your childrens. Enlist all the help and support you can get your hands on; MN can also hold your hand too.

My dh has done this and it was hurtful and f**ing annoying at the time. This is the only issue however with my dh and he's lovely, hardworking and frankly marvellous for the rest of the time. If this had been a predictable reaction in a long line of crap responses I would be thinking differently, much like you.

An ex of mine once came back having had her hair cut very short. She asked me what I thought. I didn't like it at all.

I tried to be tactful and say that I thought she looked better with longer hair.

She was furious, and told me that everybody had told her that the shorter hair looked great on her.

I didn't ignore her- far from it - she sulked for a bit. I think I just hoped that she would have second thoughts and let it grow a bit. It was a long time ago, so I can't remember, but I think I just didn't bring the matter up.

But your husband is being very unreasonable in the way in which he is dealing with it.

That's your version of tact badlad?! Jesus, no wonder she was furious. You simply said "I hate it"in a different way!

"but with 2 small dc who i do ALL the running around for"

So that's Superdad? Someone who leaves all the necessary bits of child-rearing to the mum.

ps XH did the thing about the hair too, and sabotaging diets, and panicking about me being possibly chased by blokes when I lost weight then being rude when I put it on again. But at least he did do his fair share with the DCs, and never broke their stuff (in fact, being a handy sort of bloke, he would be more likely to fix it).

I don't think that badlad sounded like too bad a lad, tbh

I have very short, elfin hair

I know for sure DH would like it better longer

when he met me I had long blonde hair

it wouldn't suit me now I am in my 40's, but it seems DH still sees me as that 20-something young woman (daftly)

every time I have a trim he says "that's nice" in a fairly dubious manner, although he was ecstatic when I went blonde again recently after a few years of dyeing it dark red

he knows my hair is my choice, however

blokes are allowed to comment, and I would prefer honesty, but using it to apply emotional blackmail is another matter entirely

How dare he critisize the way you look. Just when you were thrilled with your new look. He should have been proud of you, instead he tried to spoil it by taking the wind out of your sails. Whatever style you had he would have resented it, you're just not allowed to have a happy life, are you. He wants you back under his control.

Look, this man is a complete prick and he is not going to get any better. Just bin him. Go and have a chat with a solicitor about whether your best option is to move out with DC or have him forcibly removed from the house.

Oh and 'depression' my arse! He's got 'Tosspot's Depression', a condition specific to abusive, inadequate people, the symptoms of which are throwing repeated tantrums to get your own way but never taking any steps to improve a situation.

Lol SGB ....ah yes tosspots depression. That's the one that makes everyone else's life miserable isn't it....while the 'sufferer' themself gets the excuse to do whatever they damn well please...or nothing at all..and blame their illness.

My ex had it....I think it was that...or might have been nasty entitled twatitis.

OP you are getting good advice here. You've described some pretty awful behaviour and you sound like you've got loads going for you and this guy is a miserable, controlling drag.

It's a difficult first step to end the relationship...but from whats written here sounds like it will be totally worthwhile.

Comment yes, but I'm always of the opinion if you don't like your partners hair it's not really going to achieve anything to tell them you don't like it. No one wants to hear negative comments on a new hair do!

My partner had long hair when I met him, which I LOVED. He shaved it all off a while ago - shaved, not cut! - and I really wasn't keen. He's still the man I love though and he liked it so I wasn't going to tell him I didn't like it, or preferred it long. I've got used to it now and think it really suits him. Just don't see the point in criticising your partner's appearance.

I think if you ask your partner what they think of your new haircut, and they aren't keen on it, then in a healthy relationship they should be able to be honest and tell you their opinion.

However, the fact that it makes your partner more confident in himself / herself is not a valid reason for disling it, and neither is sulking or ignoring your partner an acceptable form of behaviour.