This is going to sound like a weird situation, but it is true

[knackeredknitter]

Basically my h insists on looking after the children, and will not let me do anything. He doesn't actually tell me I can't but gets stroppy if I do.
He will say the food I cooked tastes "nice now I have put ketchup on it"
He has in the past, and I am not kidding, put salt in the flour so the dc won't eat what I have baked, has burnt food by turning hob up to full blast when I have left it simmering, just lots of strange things.
To everyone, he is a great hands-on Dad, but to me he is a bully who tries to stand between me and my children.
I think if I tell anyone they will think I am mad, and tell me to be more appreciative.......
Am I bonkers?

Horrible abusive, manipulative and controlling behaviour. Your children are already picking up on it. You have to get this to stop, one way or another. I would say though, that since he is employing quite extreme tactics he is not one who will change. Which means that you will need to get yourself and your children away from him.

He apparently doesn't care at all about the impact of his behaviour on the dc. In time, as they grow older, he will naturally have less control over them. What will he do then? Think about how much worse his behaviour could become.

Can you contact Women's Aid for advice?

He sounds very sinister.

He is trying to undermine your relationship with your children.

I don't think you are mad. I think that he is, and that you need to get out.

My friends xh did this. Almost exactly.

She wasnt allowed to cook, clean, or even bathe her own children because she didn't do it right according to him.
She did work and he didn't, he kept trying stop her bf her babies so he could control the baby feeding too.

She said when she tried telling people they were always like 'oooh arent you lucky..' etc except she had no control over anything in her life.

He was incredibly abusive to her and then the children, thnakfully she's left him.

I believe you and I think this is a really horrible situation to be in. He is attempting to undermine your confidence and sabotage your relationship with your dcs. It is all the more dangerous because it is done with subtlety.

Fuzzy, my ex tried to stop me breastfeeding as well, saying that he couldn't measure how much milk she was taking in. He still claims I underfed her, even though she gained weight steadily from birth and was never underweight.

When I tried to tell the health visitor that my ex was very controlling of the baby, she seemed to think it was all lovely and fluffy and he was just protective. Ugh. Made me doubt myself.

Knackered, keep a diary of everything he does. Read up as much as you can, especially Lundy Bancroft, Why does he do that? Talk to Women's Aid. There is something very wrong here. I don't think this is a safe environment for your dcs to grow up in. He is not willing or capable of putting their interests (which include a strong relationship with their mother) above his interests. You can't live with someone who is determined to hack away at your very foundations.

Call Womens Aid 0808 2000 247 and have a look at their website . If he has been undermining you in this chilling way and you're finding it hard to think straight, you are going to need some informed support to make your way out of the situation. Womens Aid lines are busy now and the best time to call is between 7pm-7am but if you can't manage that then leave a message for them to call you at a time that is convenient for you. They won't leave a message unless you specifically state it is ok and the coast is clear - they refuse to identify who they are because they won't put you in jeopardy.

we tend to think that domestic abuse is physical eg hitting but all victims of domestic abuse state that it is the mind games that are far worse than the hitting. It is not you who is mad, it's him. It's a chilling story but, sadly, not the first. As a pp said, what he is doing is called gaslighting - here is something I found on the web:

Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse in which false information is presented with the intent of making a victim doubt his or her own memory and perception. It may simply be the denial by an abuser that previous abusive incidents ever occurred, or it could be the staging of bizarre events by the abuser with the intention of disorienting the victim. The term ?gaslighting? comes from the play Gas Light and its film adaptations. In those works a character uses a variety of tricks, including turning the gas lamps lower than normal, to convince his spouse that she is crazy.

Interesting that he turns up the gas to ruin the food (ok, it may be electricity but you get my point).

when you get Womens Aid on side they will support you to make your way through the maze he has created around you. Well done for spotting it (I'm not being patronising, it is often hard to get your head straight enough to see it). They offer comprehensive support - listening and supporting but also practical support eg benefits, lawyers; also support to practically escape from an abusive relationship.

somewhere down the line it might be an idea to do the Freedom Programme which is an excellent course I highly recommend to help you get your head straight about what has been going on. Click the 'search' button to find a group near you - it's 'good' to meet with other women who are experiencing similar things.

I'm sorry you've had a rough time and I wish you well. Many of us have got out of relationships like this, you can too.

I can't actually work out if putting salt in flour is abusive behaviour .... was it a lot of salt? The other things certainly sound like very peculiar behaviour... but, then again, my DF is a past master at sticking ketchup on everything and burning food, so where does idiocy stop and abuse start? The important thing is that, cumulatively, you feel unnerved and upset and you feel that you are being distanced from your children.

I'm not sure where you go from here but would suggest that you challenge any and all of this odd behaviour. Tell him to go away if he interrupts homework, point out loudly that you are in perfect health and if your food only tastes good with ketchup scrape the whole lot in the bin next time he says it. Also arrange to spend time with your children without him.

ah, if it were that easy! These types are masters at manipulation and can have you in a spin in a remarkably short time. The fact that OP has been able to post about it is a small miracle - very often victims are so confused they can't even get the thoughts to the front of their head let alone express them.

I'm not exaggerating.

I'd definitely view the flour thing as abusive in light of the other things - in isolation they sound ridiculous, but it's textbook gaslighting. In salting the flour he's deliberately sabotaging something the OP's spent time and effort making, and in a way that could potentially be bad for his dc's health too. The aim being to make the OP feel that she's incapable of doing anything, and gradually erode her confidence. He's a twisted fecker in other words.

I bet what the OP is telling us is the tip of the iceberg, and I'm so sorry you're having to live with him, knackered. Please go see a qualified counsellor or speak to Womens Aid and they'll help you find a way out of this.

He is trying to alienate you from your children.

There's no point in trying to discuss this with your dh as he isn't a reasonable person if he's behaving in this way. I don't think you're imagining it.

Talk to Women's Aid and put your relationship with your dc first.

Gaslighting,

make sure he can't see your internet history,
take stock and decide what you want to do.
Keep posting and there is a lot of help available.

women's aid won't think you are bonkers (neither do i) and will see the emotional abuse here.

Try doing the freedom programme online, its for victims of abuse (i am doing it in a group) but I think you will.realise more of what he is doing.

Sinister

There have been other things mainly saying I was imagining things such as his mother and his sister openly insulting me and trying to insinuate that I was lying about it, until someone else heard it and he couldn't deny it anymore.
He has spent years systematically destroying my reputation or trying to make me look bad....
I don't have my own bank account, haven't been out of the house for weeks, he took all my money by saying he needed change but didn't replace it so I have nothing. He keeps taking the car and leaving it low on fuel so I can't drive anywhere, I have only just worked that one out this morning. I want to get to Westfields shopping centre, but he keeps setting up obstacles.
This is the worst its been with restricting my movements...

Right ok. You must be pretty close to me. I have been there, I know what it feels like. Do you feel like you need to meet someone and talk?

No. I would have left an abusive fuckwit like this ages ago.

Hmm I'm wondering how you can set up your own bank account, do you not even have an old one?

I would speak to WA they will help you and the dc leave together, they will collect you etc etc

"This is the worst its been with restricting my movements..."

He's doing a job on you, keeping you on the back-foot as a method of control. Everything you describe, major or minor, is restricting you physically, socially, mentally, financially..... A very nasty form of abuse

So you're not bonkers, as you originally asked, but you could easily be driven mad if you stay there much longer. What are you going to do next?

I want my life back

I think you deserve your life back. Your children deserve their mother back as well. Could you call Womens Aid do you think? Chat through some options?

The only way to.do that is to leave. I know how hard that is, it took me a long time.

No-one answers the phone at WA, have tried often, plus he is always here and I don't get a chance. I really want him to leave because I have no way of leaving with dc and I am not leaving them with him

Open your own account and switch the child benefit payment into it.

It is definitely abusive and not that unusual. My ex did stuff like this to me, stuff that sounds so crazy that it makes you feel mad for saying it and if you say it to others you feel crazy and look crazy too. You are not crazy.