Should I talk to him about this or will I look needy?

[blazingoreos]

Have been seeing my boyfriend for 8 months. We see each other about 4 nights of the week, kids permitting.

He has never given me any cause for concern regarding his trustworthiness. He is open about looking at his Facebook/email in front of me and is always where he says he will be etc. No change at all in how he behaves towards me and we are getting on fine.

Onto the issue... he works with a woman who I will call Sarah. She is attractive, over 10 years younger than me and single. They don't work in the same office any more but 15 miles apart. However, they talk over email or phone every day as she is in charge of staff rotas and he is in charge of his staff's duties and they're fairly friendly and chatty. So far, so normal? Anyway, he told me the other month that she made it fairly clear she fancied him.. asking if he was single etc. He responded with telling her about me as he wanted to nip any of that stuff in the bud immediately. She made a comment about his girlfriend being lucky, he joked back that I might not say that and that was the end of it. They continue to talk duties over email as well as general chit chat. they're also friends on fb after she requested him.

He has been upfront about the above. When he told me, i had a minor wobble and he was reassuring, said he had no interest in any other woman, that he was happy with what he had and that i was the only one for him. He teased me a bit about it, I laughed too and that should be the end of it.

Unfortunately i cannot shake it off and i have no idea why? Me and him chat on and off all day over an iphone app that allows you to see when the other person was last online. If I see he was last online say, 30 minutes ago, but didn't send me a message I am worried that he was chatting to her. To my knowledge he doesn't talk to her outside of work, ive never known it at all. He also doesn't talk to her on his personal iphone - everything is via work or his work email.... yesterday he was off work very unwell. He was looking at his work emails on his blackberry next to me and one was from her. it just said ' how are you feeling now? ' and I pointed it out and said ' aww, how sweet ' and he just laughed.

So..what to do? I'm feeling jealous and insecure. I also [ to be honest ] have previous for this in other relationships. I am fairly suspicious by nature and to reiterate, he has never caused me any problem re his trustworthiness.

Do I talk to him and sound clingy and needy? And what do i say ? ' I'm jealous and worried because I saw a message on your work mobile which you know and all it said was ' how are you feeling? ' That sounds stupid! But how did she know at 10am he was ill? Did he specifically email her to tell her? God knows!

He has reassured me about this once, only a month or so ago. But i am really stewing here. Am I being an idiot? WWYD?

Gah, x-post again!

Would you consider counseling? There doesn't seem much point in continually trying the same doomed relationship pattern. CBT might be really helpful, it's all about breaking mental habits basically.

Why is everyone asking OP why shes insecure? ; theres no smoke without fire and from what she said her twat radar is in fine working order

If he's the type that makes 'blokey' jokes and barrels through life without a care, and if you're the type that is looking for proof of infidelity in things as insignificant as him not being online for 30 minutes.... I'm afraid you're simply incompatible.

Thats it! get the woman some counselling and possibly send her off to the GP.

Its not him its her! its him

It's both of them SirSugar... He needs someone with a thick skin and bagos of confidence who doesn't mind the odd risque remark about a colleague. She needs someone who is sensitive to others' feelings and doesn't go at life like a bull in a china shop. So they're wrong for each other.

I certainly agree Cogito that they don't appear right for each other

Sir Sugar -- first off, it's perfectly possible for people to be insecure and needy for no reason. I don't agree with no smoke without fire. Sometimes people bring their issues from previous relationships into new ones, that doesn't mean the new person is the problem.

I suggested counseling because the OP flat out said she understands she needs to change but it's hard to actually do it. That's a great reason to go to counseling and get some tools to actually make change happen.

But mostly, I agree with Cog, it's probably fundamentally just two people who are not very compatible.

I have tried counselling maybe two or three times in the past. It doesn't work, I'm not 'receptive' to it and I feel like it's just an exercise in wallowing. I mean, nobody died. Me banging on about how useless i am in relationships seems very self indulgent. And I don't feel comfortable doing it.

A book might be better. I need one on co dependant, jealous, insecure, needy wrecks. I shall google.

I have confidence. I make jokes with him as well - I might say I'm going to trade him in for two 20 year olds or whatever.. really, they are just daft jokes. He is not in the slightest bit jealous or insecure- a very quietly confident man - his mind really doesn't think in terms like mine. He knows he is happy, he wouldnt cheat because that is 'wrong' and he often says one woman is quite enough for him.

We can talk about anything and everything as a rule and do so. But could we talk about me being like this inside? No, I'd rather not. He would not be able to understand and it makes me sound mental.

Counseling is not self-indulgent -- if it helps you sort out a major facet of your life, isn't that worth it? It is preferable to just keep hooking up with people who aren't right for you, and having to hide your real feelings all the time, and driving yourself crazy with jealousy?

If you can get past the idea that it's wallowing, you might be more receptive and comfortable with it. There are also many different types of counseling you could try.

Ok I will shut up about it now It's just that I do attribute my ability to finally stop having stupid relationships to my finally giving in and getting counseling.

It's like quitting smoking, some people can go cold turkey, some people need the patch or anti-Ds or the Alan Carr book. It doesn't matter as long as change happens.

If you pretend to join in with the blokey teasing, can't talk about how you really feel and you carry on things like the i-phone tracking device, you have to accept that you're going to feel anxious and insecure for life. I don't think you want to do that...

Joking in that way doesn't turn him into a twat. I have been with my partner 9 years and we always joke when we are off out saying things like "Right, I am off out now to see my lover". We both know it is only joking. When I am off to see my best friend, he always says "Have fun with your lesbian lover" and I am not even remotely bisexual. He knows I love him, and that he can trust me.

And this whole app thing...I use it. I never speak to DP on it though, I ring him if I need to tell him something, or send him a text on his break and we chat/have a whinge about our day then. I talk to family and friends, including male friends, on there though. And sometimes I just go on to read a reply, but don't actually reply myself at that moment in time as I am busy. Just because it shows he has been on, doesn't mean he is talking, and to someone he shouldn't be. It might be a cousin who he is catching up with, or a best friend? I do think if this is bothering you so, you need to get rid of the app so it isn't eating away at you.

Also, with regards to my first paragraph, if that is something you can't do due to insecurities, you need to spell this out to him so he knows and understands. Having one wobble where it doesn't even appear like it was a wobble enough for him to realise the true depth of your insecurities, isn't going to help in the long run.

Apart from that, if you truly believe he can be trusted (which I do from what you say, as I certainly wouldn't be so upfront about it and open messages in front of you if something fishy was going on) then this is your issue, and you can't take it out on him. He is allowed girl friends, and allowed to talk to them out of work. I would advise you to go and get some counselling to deal with the issue.

If you think he can't be trusted, then get rid of him and still go for some counselling.

blazingoreos I don't understand why you want to be in a relationship with someone who wouldnt accept any of your faults... Everyone has them. Why pretend you are something you're not, you say it's 'your problem' but that's not how a true relationship works. You expect him to be honest with you about his work colleague etc, yet you aren't being honest with him. If he would run a mile at something you struggle with then is he really worth your time? My partner helped me through the worst of my anxiety and insecurities whilst I had CBT and I still work very hard every day.

I really don't understand why you are so sure he would run a mile? Also I don't get people 'playing games' to try and come across as confident, I find honesty far more attractive than someone who is confident, truth is no-one is really 100% confident and they are lying to themselves if they go round pretending they are. Some people are just better at hiding their insecurities. You say he would perceive you as cool and laid back, which is how you perceive him. Whose to say he isn't as insecure as you?

This thread is very interesting to me. I have a man in my life who is always joking in this way. We walk into a crowed restaurant and he says stuff like 'I hope the other one isn't here'. If he finds my earing on the floor he says 'thank god I found it before the wife etc'. Tbh we are close but not exclusive, like you and your partner are so I just ignore it, but I know that there is some truth in it so I have backed off emotionally and keep him at arms length.

If I were you I would tell him it annoys you and ask him if he wants to be in an exclusive relationship with you. Presuming he does then ask him to stop with the quips.

Thanks all for your comments. Yes, he wants the exclusive relationship... it really is just...jokes?

He sent me flowers this morning which was a surprise. The card read ' you are a sweetheart and better than any 27 year old .. ' which hepossibly didn't need to add!!! : ) However, he obviously wanted to cheer me up a bit. He also sent a message saying ' thank you for being you ' so ...err making an effort i suppose!

The fact is you either have to be honest about your insecurities or you just have to crack on and not mention them at all... otherwise he'll just feel accused if he doesnt understand that you have trouble with insecurity. Seen as your set against telling him your full worries, guess you will just have to stop dwelling on them, otherwise you'll become very unhappy