Older Husband – have I made a mistake?

[olderhusbandprob]

I have name-changed for this as I think the details might out me. Will try and keep it succinct, but also want to get the facts down and give as fair an account as possible.

Been with my DH for several years now, and have a toddler DC and a baby on the way. DH is nearly 20 years older than me.

DH recently took a big paycut at work, which has meant I have started back at work part-time to ease the financial pressure. I think a lot of our problems stem from this.

I am finding pregnancy, working and a toddler incredibly hard. It?s so much harder than I could have imagined. I think I?m a very resilient person, but I think this situation has pushed me to breaking point. The problem is, my responsibilities at home haven?t reduced. I still am in charge of shopping, cooking, doing most of the cleaning and washing the clothes. DH does DC bedtime and bath, washing up and irons his own clothes. Also, I am the person DC really wants most of the time, which I am happy with, but obviously that does take time and energy.

I don?t believe DH isn?t pulling his weight because he is lazy, I think it?s because at his age he hasn?t got the energy to. He is overweight as well which doesn?t help. Once he has done DC bedtime, he lies in bed for the rest of the night. He complains of aches, pains and ailments all the time. He almost dropped DC down the stairs the other night as he couldn?t see them, and he can?t see what?s in front of his face, so I think his eyesight is failing as well. He can?t bend don to pick DC up. This, coupled with the fact he is low about his paycut and demotion is making life very difficult. I didn?t realise how much of an old man he would come to be, so soon. Writing it down makes it sound so trivial I suppose, but it is starting to get me down. But he just has no get up and go? But then, I?m not sure all men his age are this ?old?.

I feel like I need a break and some rest. I am starting to wonder what life might have been like had I chosen to spend my life with someone younger. Obviously, I picked my DH for a reason, I loved him massively (I?m concerned this is starting to fade), and we had so much in common, and have the same values. I also used to fancy him something rotten (but I must admit this has changed recently as well).

I?m just so confused at the moment. I wouldn?t usually dream of posting about relationship problems, but I think I need some help picking this apart

Op said he is late 40's

Lol. Ok that's me with 'wrong end of stick' then, sorry all. Maybe should still get a check-up though. Hope I'm not that knackered by my late 40's, only a few years to go :-0. Quite possible to become diabetic if overweight at that age. I'd take a man in his 50's that looks after himself over an out-of-condition man in his 30's any day.

Id take a man any age who looked after me, as much as himself!!

Too true fiventhree

I disagree. Always make sure you look after yourself first and foremost, not relying on any man to do it for you

so when he was earning a load more none of this was a issue, now you have to do a bit yourself and work to help the 'family' you now wanna trade in your lower earning DH for someone else..

Also moaning about his weight, why not opt to exercise with him, or introduce heathier eating.

makes me laugh all this ' leave the bastard' comments, usually by bitter sourpusses that have been scorned so deem every bloke worthless..

I think i feel for the husband in this scenerio tbh

Late 40s! He's YOUNG! He may be fat and unfit but he's young. I thought you were going to say he was in his 60s

My first thought was diabetes too.

Erm, haven't read a single "leave the bastard" on this thread yet (until yours), are you making that up? There was a whole load of "get his health checked out", and some "presuming his health is ok, he's taking the p, don't let him get away with it". However, I see from the wording you've used you are after a fight rather than saying anything helpful to the OP.

I would say, try being pregnant and having a toddler and a job and running a household before saying "now you have to do a bit yourself". But you can't, can you?

Scorned indeed, I had to work very hard to get my useless SOB out of my life, he didn't wanna go :P

Scorned women

Good 'un

I'm 49 with a 4 yr old dd. I regularly have her all day at weekends to give dw a break. I also work full time but I make damn sure I look after myself as well as my family.

Your dh needs to sort himself out..

He is not old just fat and lazy.

course im not looking to pick a fight, i think its awful anyone thinking of/or breaking up regardless of who it is..

it just reads to me that since hes not earning as much and put a bit of weight on then he isnt now as desirable as he was when he was earning a wedge..

Just seems a bit materialistic to me, hell, if everyone thought like that then more often than not the minute things get difficult everyone would bail.

'for richer for poorer' remember those vows.. seems many forget easy. :(

I promise to love and cherish...

Remember that one too?

DP is 48 and does LOADS around the house. My dad is 67 and still works full time (and rides a motorbike when he's not at work!). Sounds like there is loads more than age involved.

I was 30 when I was pregnant, had a toddler and worked full time, I was worn out (and had a useless now exH at the time) too...you have my sympathy.

Late 40's is not old, my DH is in his 60's and he has bags of energy, he never stops.

Laughing my head off here... I read this thinking, "Oh god, I'd hate to be with an older man like that" then realised he's six years younger than I am.

OP, he's lazy. Get him to the doctor and let them frighten him.

I have been thinking about this, as I read it quickly earlier. I am married to a man in his early 50s, and I am in my mid-late 30s (not going to be too specific here). I have come to the conclusion that yep, he does get physically more tired than me, he does need more sleep than me, and age does matter.

Not saying he doesn't try - things have certainly progressed since we first got together, where I did almost everything, having been a single parent previously. But (and we now have a toddler too), even with his trying, I still do more and work full-time.

Also, he is by no means 'old', he goes to the gym, he takes the children to the park/softplay/wherever at the weekends so that I can catch up on work now and then, and he will do more around the house these days. But when he's done more with the children/around the house, then you notice that he is tired and getting grumpy etc. But credit to him, he will ask me if there is anything else needing doing before he sits down of an evening (didn't used to do this though!), and if he is clearly tired, then I just say no, it's fine. He doesn't like going to bed and leaving me working on something though, so sometimes I just shoo him off, or he sits down and chats to me.

I think this is what would annoy me in your situation, OP, the going up to bed when there is still stuff to be done. But I think that may be depression, honestly, because it seems like a withdrawal, in some ways. I'd be seriously concerned if DH started doing this. I totally second the PPs who have said he should see his GP. Getting out for walks will help with the weight and the mood, so there are easy steps he can take.

I don't think there is any point in wondering about having married a man 20 years younger - you didn't, and that man 20 years younger could have lost his job, or gone off with another woman, or spent all his time playing games on-line or drinking, or still be unwilling to pull his weight or admit to his problems - the grass is not greener on the other side, so don't fall for that idea (my first husband was three years younger than me and this post is long enough, so I will spare you that story). If you love this man, it is worth seeing beyond the pay cut, and the fact that you have to go out to work now, and looking at what you can both do to make things better in the circumstances you have. You can help him, but he needs to take responsibility too.

Good post, summerflower.

OP, being pregnant is shit. My advice is to give yourself time, some of this feeling of resentment and tiredness is just being pg. I found pregnancy #2 soooo much harder than pg #1. Acknowledge to yourself that it is physically demanding being pg, go to bed early, get help in if you need it, try to rest.

(And whatever you do, don't fall for the grass is always greener. It's not.)