Older Husband – have I made a mistake?

[olderhusbandprob]

I have name-changed for this as I think the details might out me. Will try and keep it succinct, but also want to get the facts down and give as fair an account as possible.

Been with my DH for several years now, and have a toddler DC and a baby on the way. DH is nearly 20 years older than me.

DH recently took a big paycut at work, which has meant I have started back at work part-time to ease the financial pressure. I think a lot of our problems stem from this.

I am finding pregnancy, working and a toddler incredibly hard. It?s so much harder than I could have imagined. I think I?m a very resilient person, but I think this situation has pushed me to breaking point. The problem is, my responsibilities at home haven?t reduced. I still am in charge of shopping, cooking, doing most of the cleaning and washing the clothes. DH does DC bedtime and bath, washing up and irons his own clothes. Also, I am the person DC really wants most of the time, which I am happy with, but obviously that does take time and energy.

I don?t believe DH isn?t pulling his weight because he is lazy, I think it?s because at his age he hasn?t got the energy to. He is overweight as well which doesn?t help. Once he has done DC bedtime, he lies in bed for the rest of the night. He complains of aches, pains and ailments all the time. He almost dropped DC down the stairs the other night as he couldn?t see them, and he can?t see what?s in front of his face, so I think his eyesight is failing as well. He can?t bend don to pick DC up. This, coupled with the fact he is low about his paycut and demotion is making life very difficult. I didn?t realise how much of an old man he would come to be, so soon. Writing it down makes it sound so trivial I suppose, but it is starting to get me down. But he just has no get up and go? But then, I?m not sure all men his age are this ?old?.

I feel like I need a break and some rest. I am starting to wonder what life might have been like had I chosen to spend my life with someone younger. Obviously, I picked my DH for a reason, I loved him massively (I?m concerned this is starting to fade), and we had so much in common, and have the same values. I also used to fancy him something rotten (but I must admit this has changed recently as well).

I?m just so confused at the moment. I wouldn?t usually dream of posting about relationship problems, but I think I need some help picking this apart

I have always been very happy in our marriage until recently. If I'm to be totally honest, I do harbour some resentment about our work situations... I can't give too much away, but my DH is partly to blame for his paycut. At the time I communicated with him that I think he should take it seriously and he didn't. So in some ways I feel I'm bearing the brunt of his mistake...

olderhusbandprob - I think sometimes we all run around, doing our best to look shiny and perfect on the outside, while really struggling to cope inside. We are so convinced that our performance is Oscar-worthy that we assume that NO-ONE ELSE IN THE WHOLE WORLD could pull off such a great feat of acting, no, not even Meryl Streep in her glory days.

So when we see other people looking shiny and perfect on the outside, we collapse a little inwardly and think...

... 'She copes... so why can't I?'

... 'Her house is always perfect, why isn't mine?'
... 'She manages to juggle full-time work, 17 kids, and four charities, and yet I'm struggling to get showered in the morning'...

And so we beat ourselves up. Whereas if we were just a bit more honest with each other, we'd admit that we're actually highly stressed, exhausted, demoralised, and in need of a big hug!

I'm sure you're not disorganised or forgetful. You just have extremely high expectations of yourself, expectations that no-one could ever fulfil. I, too, am from a tightly-wound family, and in my head, I constantly hear my mother's voice chiding me for how messy my house is, how terribly disorganised I am etc. etc. I've completely internalised her criticism, and when I can't find anyone to compare myself negatively to, or my confidence just needs a bit more of a knock, I regularly bring her out of my subconscious to beat myself up a little bit more ;) I know that I'm happier with my partner's more laid-back style, and I know that my mother never worked, and I am fully aware that it's a stupid way of thinking, but it's quite a difficult habit to break... be careful you're not doing the same thing to yourself!

I know plenty of men in their late 40's being that age group myself and can assure you that the vast majority of people in their late 40's have as much vitality and energy as they did 20 years earlier.
So I'll step away from feeling offended that you think people in their late 40s are so old they're permanently knackered and suggest that your DH may be feeling depressed. If he's taken a paycut at work that implies that he's not got the responsiblities and/or hours he used to work and that can make him feel bad.

In that case trips to his GP for a kind of MOT and a diet sheet, then off to the opticians' for an eye test. Putting on a load of washing and sharing the cooking shouldn't be beyond him physically. Late 40s is he viewing 50 as some hideous milestone? His DCs will want him as their dad for a long time yet.

Brad Pitt is 48 and Johnny Depp is 49 - not old at all.

When you posted I thought he was going to be in his 60s. My DF is early 50s and has a stressful job, fosters and isn't particularly healthy but sounds like he could run rings around your H.

I'd ship him off to the Drs and if they say he's ok I'd focus on the weight loss and exercise to improve his energy levels.

My exP and I were like you, lazy mornings and breakfast, pub lunches, drinks and dinner but he had no get up and go - at all. He never thought of just walking, unless there was a clearly defined end point such as a pub. My DH is much more active and we spend much more time outdoors with the DCs now, and I'm not remotely outdoorsy really.

I thought you were going to say nearer 60 than late 40's OP.

He's pulling the wool right over your eyes.

Ok, so he may be a bit down about his job, fair enough but that's no reason to wallow in selfish self-pity.

He sounds like a bit of a slob to me.

Tell him to buck up.

Good grief, late-40s isn't so old that you can't bend down to see DC and have to retire to bed after bath time! Send him to get some contact lenses and send him to the gym to boost his energy levels.

I have two friends who married 20+ years older men. Their DHs are late-50s/early-60s now and nowhere near as lethargic as as OP's DH.

He needs to sort out his weight - as others have said. If you're overweight then you're going to feel heavy and sluggish and not have a lot of energy for anything at all. Depression can also make people lethargic and sleepy. Both of these things can be looked at with a visit to his GP. If it was me, I'd lay it on the line and make it clear that you're not asking - you're telling and you're not taking 'no' for an answer.

He also needs an eye test, as a matter of urgency. If he can't see it's dangerous for him to drive and will seriously impede him in his everyday life - and at work.

It does sound like he's a pretty lazy person, but he needs to step up while you're pregnant, working and bearing the brunt of childcare and housework.

I thought you were talking about someone in their 60s from your OP. Seriously, my Dad, who's 69 and has had heart problems, is MUCH more energetic than your DH.

Tired all the time and overactive can be an underactive thyroid. Google and see if you think it might fit, and get thyroid function tests done by your GP. Rule out physical stuff first, it's often the easiest to fix.

Some of the problem is due to the fact he's over-weight. No wonder he has aches and pains. My ex was much older than me and he had plenty if energy, was more fit than I was. It is a state of mine though so not sure there is anything that can be done unless he wants to.

He's not going to get younger is he? So he needs to start looking after himself. Get him to the optician, and the GP. Ask him to resolve to diet, exercise. He helped you to make the babies, he needs to get fit enough to help you look after them.

small changes can make a big difference, but the main change has to be in his attitude. It is WAY to early for him to write himself off.

Late 40s?!! I read your OP and thought he must be at least 20 years older than that. It isn't his age that is slowing him down it is his health.

Could you get him one of those well men full MOT checks? Most private clinics do them, and they will do all the standard checks for diabetes, under active thyroid, liver function etc, advise on weight management, and ask questions which might help him to open up about things like secret eating or depression. I had a well woman one years ago which identified a thyroid problem after my GP had refused to listen and just wrote me off as 'stressed'. It was worth every penny.

Hope you both enjoy the break away OP time to relax and keep him from stashing chocolate. maybe get a chance for some mutual reassurance.

Btw don't knock yourself, 2nd pregnancy often feels tougher when you've got a toddler to run after, let alone starting back at work.

OP, he really isn't old! My father is in his 70s. He's overweight, has terrible eyesight, is going deaf, has athritis, high BP and several health concerns (including in remission from cancer) and he does far more around the house then your DH does. And, from the sound of it, is better with my Ds, his GS, than your Dh is with his own DC.

I also don't think he's old enough to try and excuse his behaviour with the old chestnut about older men nor being brought up to help around the home, either.

Either he is genuinely ill, in which case he needs to see his GP, or he's swinging the lead. Even if he is genuinely unwell, a man with a PG wife who works, a small child and a house to help run, does not have the luxury of not getting his health problems sorted out and letting his wife run herself ragged because he doesn't want to face up to his problems. As people have said, he is the same age as Johnny Depp - can you imagine JD behaving this way?!

I think both of you are using his age as an excuse and it's not one. Because it seems v old to you, I think you're imagining it would be terribly decrepit to be that age, but it's not. And he knows you think like that and is relying on it to keep taking the piss. Conversely, he probably sees you as so much younger and fitter than him that he feel validated in overburdening you.

If his eyesight is so bad that he could drop his own child, why hasn't he made an immediate optician's appointment? The fact that he's not indicates to me that he's messing you about and letting you do stuff he could easily do.

Some people seem to get to a certain (still relatively young) age and decide to become old fogies. Sounds like you've got one on your hands. But whether all his probs are genuine or not, he needs to take action. Either seeing HCPs or stop being an arsehole.

My h is late 40'a and so am i. we were not brought up to believe men are excused from shitwork and are entitled to more leisure time.

I don't think he sounds selfish.

Is he diabetic?

You sound a bit like you hadn't thought about the practicalities of marrying someone at a different stage of life to you and now it is getting harder, and you have to work more, you want to bail.

Itis quite hard to justify a man who lets his pregant wife come home from work and do a heap of stuff whilst he does little- that is how the OP feels.

He could get a bit more exercise, off that bed.

I seem to remember that a job, a toddler and a pregnancy used to make me a bit frazzled and resentful too. My h did work hard out of the house, but there are some times in life when the balance needs to tip slightly more towards home. That isnt always possible, for some men. However, shifting from the bedroom wont kill him.

One thing, though- have you told him what you have told us about how you feel? If not, you should do. You owe it to him to communicate your feelings. He owes it to you not to ignore them. That is what good marriage entails, imo.

ps exhaustion, pregnancy and resentment are no aphrodisiac, either.

Interesting take on this JustFabulous I thought the OP was genuinely looking for help and wondering how she could get her original DH back. No, I don't think she did anticipate being run ragged while he enters the twilight zone.

MDAZ - I just went with how I felt reading some of her comments.

I hope she can work things out but she has to talk to him and explain how she is feeling.

OP did say she's tried discussing this with her DH but talking hadn't helped. I do agree, keep talking, suggest a visit to the GP. It could be depression in which case everything probably would feel like too much effort.

Fab - the guy is late 40s, not entering his dotage! If he has decided to have children at 'his stage in life' then he needs to have thought about how he intended to care for them and provide for them until they are old enough to do it for themselves.

He has been demoted at work, which was possibly avoidable according to the OP. Instead of thinking 'ok I have a less responsible role, I will take on more at home', he has decided to become an old man and lean on his young and pregnant wife. Not on at all.

There seems to be a 'wrong end of the stick' here. OP said he is 59 did she not so why the 'my 40 year old is better' brigade?.
I think he really ought to get a health check at his GP's.

Just adding to the chorus of voices here saying that late forties is certainly not anything like old enough to be a factor in husband not doing as much as you would reasonably expect. I'm in that age bracket and so is my husband. I have exactly the same sort of gripes about him not doing enough in the home as you do. It sounds very much like an imbalance of responsibilities that has to do with gender not age -- in other words the very very common plight that you read of on MN, of women whose partners just don't take their domestic and parental tasks as seriously as they should. If it is something other than that, then think about the impact of poor health or depression, not age. Late forties isn't old.