Need to stand up to ex. Suggest a wording for me please?

[porridgelover]

So....STBXH was a very abusive man. No physical but emotionally had me at a point of believing that he and my babies would be better off if I topped myself. Sexual manipulation, financial, cut me off from friends and family. Porn addict. He left (I believe) thinking that it would finally shut me up, that my final shred of resistance to his abuse would shrivel...so that he could march back in as master-of-all-he surveyed.
I have had no support since he left. Family hopeless. Some shred of dignity wouldnt allow me to let him come back without serious changes. So he never got back in
Since then, one of DC has been diagnosed with SN and I have concentrated on that. Access and maintenance is on an informal, agreed between us basis. Actually, that's not true....he takes what access he wants and that suits him and he give what maintenance he wants.

I have to set boundaries to him for everything (suffice to say the poo-ing ex thread here was no surprise to me).

So, I had a text from him today, to say that he wouldn't see the kids according to the schedule over the next week. No explanation, certainly not looking to see if it's ok. Just as if he was ringing a childminder.
I've had enough of this...I had wanted to do a SN related course next weekend but wont be able to now. (Bet he knew this ). I cant make him be a parent but he is so manipulative that he can twist any assertiveness to find a ''poor him'' angle.

I dont want to rile him. I dont want to go all guns blazing, it's not my style.
So, your suggestions please on how to be assertive, without being aggressive?

Nice one, Bogeyface!

Jux is right.

My DC havent suffered, but he has. Now, 14 years down the line, he wants to see them and they both told him to sod off. Of course, he blamed me because I must have poisoned them against him So I emailed him and explained that even if I had wanted to, I didnt need to turn them against him as they had no time for him because of the way he abandoned them. I also pointed out that FBing a 15 year old who has no memory of you is not the best way to regain contact with your child. Especially when the photo you attached of yourself was of you gazing lovingly into the eyes of your newborn DD, a half-sister that my DD didnt know she had. :(

Funnily enough, he never responded.

The DC are very happy with their Daddy, who is (technically) their ex-stepfather as we divorced. But he treats them as his own, they go to his when it is his access weekends with our children, he pays maintenance based on all of them, loves them, treats them wonderfully and will walk my DD down the aisle if that day comes. We divorced because of basic incompatibility, he didnt cheat, wasnt abusive and we are still friends. There are good men out there, I promise :)

Thank you for taking the time to reply. Please dont be put out if I say that I have tried all of the above.
We have an 'access schedule'' that was agreed in Mediation but is not formalised IFKWIM. The children are aware of it and know what days he is due. Hence why they are upset about this weekend...they look forward to it.
I cant vent my frustration or their upset to him as thats pretty much exactly what he wants....to be so important that his kids are upset not to see him and that he can still frustrate me. And if I mention that they are upset, he will use that back at me to point out the error of my ways when I refuse to let him come see them, whenever he decides next that it suits him outside the agreed schedule.

He is an extremely manipulative man.... my counsellor who works with addiction and child protection clients, says he is the worst she has encountered. Thats not me being dramatic.....it's to point out the futility of any strategies I have tried. He will never ''get'' boundaries...whether it's in my home, my personal space, my privacy, the DC, whatever.

YY I get that it is his choice....but it is not a choice my children would make. And regardless of what they decide about him in the future, they still deserve/need to see him now. While he is not a good parent (homework not done, teeth not brushed, late bedtimes, scruffy and unkempt when they come home, unhealthy food) I cannot see a situation where I would refuse to let them see him....unless he goes ahead and is downright dangerous. He has skirted the borders of this (giving DS a SIM-free iphone with clickable porn links) but he has not yet endangered them.
I have spoken to SS about this and their view is that as I am a competent parent, they will not be getting involved.

I think, now, my only option is to deal with him only legally. This however, enrages him and will up his verbal abuse. I can handle that but he does it in front of children which is not OK.
I also am afraid of his manipulative skill....I have no doubt that he can charm both his and my solicitor. He lies, in such a skillful manner.

Porridge my ex lied to his solicitor and that is, I am fairly sure, she they had a case to take to tribunal for CSA. Now she has seen my 'evidence' it has gone very quiet on the legal front and he has resorted to nasty texts and emails. She didn't hear half of the story and now it has been made clear he knows he is going to loose the case. Lies only last for so long. The good thing about solicitors is that they keep record. As soon as they see he isn't settling for simple requests and excuses creep in, they will both see what he is like.

Keep a diary.
Can you record any face to face encounters? Can you record phone calls? If not, write down pertinent details every time.

Check out the Freedom Programme, which will give you strategies to resist manipulation and give you support and strength.

Your solicitor won't be charmed by him, why would s/he be? They have no need to meet. If you have an experienced family lawyers then they will have seen it all before and won't be taken in.

If you don't meet then his verbal abuse won't happen. Can you get someone else to deal with the handovers?

There really is no need for you to have any contact with him at all except via solicitor.