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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Bf admitted to sleeping with his ex.

132 replies

HeartLess · 14/10/2012 18:23

Bf of a year and a half told me last night that he slept with his ex on a business trip 6 months ago. She lives in another country and he has another business trip planned for the end of the month back to that country. I don't know what to do. I thought we had something very special. We had no problems at the time and are sex life is great. He said that it was just a one nightstand after drinking too much. I asked him why he told me and his answer was because it was nothing and that it ment nothing. I love him and don't know what to do. Today I told him that I hated him and that I never wanted to see him again. Im so upset and angry. He is asking what he can do to change this and I don't have an answer. I want him to be part of my future but an the othe hand I don't want to spend the whole time he is away worrying that he's in bed with this OW. I'm not very good at confrontational conversations and cry easily. Any advice welcome. What would you do..? I can't let him get away with it as an open relationship is fine for some people but not for me. I trusted him 100% am gutted..!

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Report

HeartLess · 14/10/2012 21:05

In all of our relationship he has only been there that one time. I have met his family and have known the family for a long time.

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HeartLess · 14/10/2012 21:07

He divorced 7 years ago.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/10/2012 21:09

Is he a fairly successful/powerful man in his field? Persuasive? The type that tends to get his own way without much effort?

Another reason for him telling you may simply be that because he regards it as no big deal, he automatically assumed you'd be on exactly the same page. That kind of unthinking assumption is the hallmark of a someone who is used to others always agreeing with them.

How did the revelation come about in the first place?

HeartLess · 14/10/2012 21:14

Yes he's the top of the tree in his profession.

The talk of his trip and him staying with her came up and I asked him. Without really thinking I asked him and he admitted to it.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/10/2012 21:25

And yet he seemed surprised at the depth of your reaction. What you've got there is a very cold, very self-centred fish. To drop a bombshell like that into the conversation and expect no reaction from a woman purely because you say that 'it was nothing' is horribly arrogant and totally lacks empathy. In the context that he's planning to stay at her house again, it's even more staggering that he thought you'd be quite OK with that.

HeartLess · 14/10/2012 21:30

I agree with most things that are being said here. I need to gather my thoughts and sleep on it, deep down I know it's the beginning of the end. Gutted is not the word, am heart broken.

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HeartLess · 14/10/2012 21:31

Thanks to everyone who replied.

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doinmummy · 14/10/2012 21:43

You poor thing.

QuintessentialShadows · 14/10/2012 21:48

un-mumsnetly hugs.

Take care of yourself.

BethFairbright · 14/10/2012 21:56

If he'd told you because the guilt was eating him up and he wanted to give you the choice about whether to continue the relationship, there would be some hope.

But he only told you so that you would get used to the idea that he will shag this woman (and any others who are willing...) in the future and you'd better get used to it.

So there you have it. You now know the deal. You can stay in the fervent hope that your denial will be more powerful than your common-sense. Or you'll thank your lucky stars that you found out now that you're in a relationship with a man who's got no intention of being faithful to you and sees occasional sex with others as 'nothing'.

When someone tells you what they are, listen. You're very lucky that he did.

fuckadoodlepoopoo · 14/10/2012 22:02

Sorry for you. What a shit.

Dryjuice25 · 15/10/2012 01:42

It boasts his mahoosive ego when he is doing this to you(and her). Dump him and tell him he meant nothing to you...... god I'm awful

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/10/2012 03:25

I saw a film once, I forget the name of it, but one conversation stuck with me. The man says, "it meant nothing to me" and the woman says, "while it was happening, I meant nothing to you". That stuck with me.

I hope you work out what you want.

HeartLess · 15/10/2012 05:41

Maybe I have loved him too much. He is a great guy, tought my DS how to ride a bike, he does things round the house. Should i give everything up because of one quick drunken shag.?

I've read through the relationship thread and life after affairs etc. In some coulpes it seams it can make the relationship stronger. But that is only when the guilty party feel devastated and remorseful and obviously guilty

I thought he would have phoned at bedtime, he usually does. I thought he would have called to say, having thought about it all he's truly sorry. But no I didn't get a call. Maybe he's waiting for me to calm down.? Maybe he was on the phone to OW getting her warmed up for some more action.? Maybe he's told her that he has spilled the beans. Maybe the pair of them are laughing at how I cried after the blow..? I wish I could turn the loop in my head off.

Im waiting for this phone call. The one where he tells me he will never do it again. Then I will decide if what we have is worth the struggle and my jealousy on all his future doing the business trips.

I've stopped crying and feel nothing but anger for the both of them.

It ment nothing to me... While it was happening I ment nothing to you. How very true and very sad. Does anyone know what film this line is from.?

Thanks again for all your helpful advice and lots of food for thought.

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HeartLess · 15/10/2012 05:48

dryjuice your post made me laugh out loud. I wish I had it in me to say that while kicking him to the curb.

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Abitwobblynow · 15/10/2012 05:58

But it isn't a quick drunken shag, is it?

It is his WIFE. Someone he loved passionately once, who he made vows to, but who he just can't live with full time.

I personally don't think men ever feel nothing for their wives. Didn't Jeremy Clarkson do this? Keep in touch with his first wife? People can know that they are not good for eachother in a day to day setting, yet stay very attached.

And he is seeing her again. Why is he seeing her again? Because there is an ATTACHMENT and a passion. So your dilemma is: can you acknowledge, accept and live with this? He cares about you, and he cares about her. [The elephant in the room for all people in this situation, who do not leave].

Take care Heartless. This stuff really hurts.

HeartLess · 15/10/2012 06:09

Sorry if i didnt make it clear. The OW is his ex girlfriend. No vows. No DC.

Him and his wife divorced 7 years ago. They have 2 grown up children. They are friends, have family dinners out for DC birthdays. I do not have a problem with his wife, yes they have an attachment but definitely no passion.

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Abitwobblynow · 15/10/2012 06:16

Oh, OK, that does make it somewhat better.

It could be as he says (that it meant nothing). But he has to agree not to see her on this trip, and you could contact her on fb and ask her to be honest with you. I mean, it would be in her interests to split you up, so she wouldn't lie to you!

RobynRidingHood · 15/10/2012 06:24

Your head still spinning heartless ? Did you get any sleep?

Should i give everything up because of one quick drunken shag.?

Only you can decide that sweetheart. You're as long in the tooth as I am and old enough to know there is no black and white in life, most of it is pretty much grey. Kneejerk hysteria, often exhibited on forums, isn't going to let you make a sound judgement..

FWIW, a judgement need not be made today, tomorrow or indeed next week.

As I said earlier, you need processing time to evaluate the best thing for you and your family. Just make sure you do it on your terms.

mrsfuzzy · 15/10/2012 06:38

i would say the same as old bag, but think about it, is anyone really worth, all this upset and pain? he off loaded because of the guilt, another trip coming up similar situation could occur etc. he might will mean it when he says it was a one off, but how many cheating partners have said that and then gone on and done it again. i feel in my heart of hearts that if it was my h i couldn't forgive and that would be it. end of, finished. cliche but you deserve so much better, like alot of negative things in life turn it to your advantage and put it done to experience move on and find someone who loves YOU, and doesn't come out with crap excuses.

mrsfuzzy · 15/10/2012 06:44

abit wobbly now, contact the other woman on fb, why? why would she tell the truth it doesn't matter to her if a marriage/ relationship breaks up why would she care? the sisterhood thing doesn't apply to every woman there are plenty of home wreckers out there who don't give a s''t what they do and whether kids are involved of not, i wouldn't contact her i think it would be demeaning.

Inertia · 15/10/2012 06:50

I guess the key question is - are you willing to go through this over and over again ? He's shown no remorse, he isn't sorry - has he even attempted to promise it won't happen again while dismissing it as nothing ?

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RobynRidingHood · 15/10/2012 06:53

Contacting people on facebook is not appropriate. In fact it's quite juvenile. It isn't in anyway dignified.

The trouble with the internet is: everyone has an opinion. They give it freely, without much thought to the fact they are putting ideas and doubts in people heads. Then they wander off back to their own little RL families, without realising the carnage they mave have unleashed.

They dynamics of somone elses relationship is not the same as the dynamics within yours.

People shouldnt give solutions to problems, they should offer the tools for the person with the problem to make their own, impartial judgement, minus all the influence.

HeartLess · 15/10/2012 07:05

abit I think that it makes it worse not better. He doesnt have the lifelong bond with her that DC bring. He didn't make vows with this OW.

I thought about messaging her, but that would mean that she would know that I now know. She would also know that my relationship with him is on rocky ground and that would give her the green card to jump back into bed with him. She could also think that by him telling me would give her some sort of importance, thus throwing them more together.

I also don't want her bloody bitch to know how much that the pair of them have hurt me.

So I will not lower myself by messaging her.

Hi Robyn I've slept very little and the sleep I did have was troubled. I've taken your advice on board about giving myself the time to make my decision. I will not contact him or see him before his trip and while he's away he can decide if he can live without me. I think only if he came back begging for forgiveness and declaring undying love for me would I even consider taking him back. Even if that were to happen I'm not holding my breath there would be many many conditions.

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fuckadoodlepoopoo · 15/10/2012 08:12

He just doesn't seem sorry at all does he

Mrsterry. I love that line!

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