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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Bf admitted to sleeping with his ex.

132 replies

HeartLess · 14/10/2012 18:23

Bf of a year and a half told me last night that he slept with his ex on a business trip 6 months ago. She lives in another country and he has another business trip planned for the end of the month back to that country. I don't know what to do. I thought we had something very special. We had no problems at the time and are sex life is great. He said that it was just a one nightstand after drinking too much. I asked him why he told me and his answer was because it was nothing and that it ment nothing. I love him and don't know what to do. Today I told him that I hated him and that I never wanted to see him again. Im so upset and angry. He is asking what he can do to change this and I don't have an answer. I want him to be part of my future but an the othe hand I don't want to spend the whole time he is away worrying that he's in bed with this OW. I'm not very good at confrontational conversations and cry easily. Any advice welcome. What would you do..? I can't let him get away with it as an open relationship is fine for some people but not for me. I trusted him 100% am gutted..!

OP posts:

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/10/2012 19:02

Exactly... so examine his real motives for telling you and you'll find they are either all about salving his conscience, which makes him supremely selfish... or they are about making you feel insecure and angry but gambling that you are such a safe bet that you won't go elsewhere, which makes him cruel.

OldBagWantsNewBag · 14/10/2012 19:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HeartLess · 14/10/2012 19:20

Roybn I like your way of thinking. We were very good together. I am really really gutted.

OP posts:

clam · 14/10/2012 19:21

Well, he's clearly not the best thing that's ever happened to you. He's shown himself to be someone quite different.
Can you live with the new him? Someone you'll never be able to 100% trust again?

ATourchOfInsanity · 14/10/2012 19:23

GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT.
My ex would have done the same and this won't be the only thing he will do if you pretend to stay happy with him. It will eat you away wondering.
Don't be a mug.

JustFabulous · 14/10/2012 19:27

It was nothing and it meant nothing?

So he shags people and attaches no importance to it?

Think about it.

QuintessentialShadows · 14/10/2012 19:31

I reckon the reason he told you now is that he is planning to do it again. By telling you, you have a chance to either put up and shut up (accept it) or leave.

If you dont leave, he knows you are fine with infidelity, and it is his Go ahead card for the future, whether with her or other women.

Why even meet her, if he did not plan to have a shag?

dequoisagitil · 14/10/2012 19:39

That's a good point QS makes. Why did he meet up with her? Just because he is there on business, why was there the need to meet up with his ex? It makes it seem planned ahead of time.

boodles · 14/10/2012 19:49

Would the 'best thing that has happened to you' have sex with someone else??

MyDonkeysAZombie · 14/10/2012 19:57

"I'm so upset and angry. He is asking what he can do to change this"

You've already explained he wasn't remorseful, as he said it was nothing and meant nothing. OP did he himself come up with ideas, how was he planning to fix you being upset and angry?

You only heard from his own lips 24 hours' ago so you are still raw, nobody here demands you make one choice or another, whatever you decide we are here for you.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/10/2012 19:58

BTW... 'all men are cunts'... no. Just men like this one.

JustFabulous · 14/10/2012 19:59

People can meet with exes without wanting to have sex.

dequoisagitil · 14/10/2012 20:02

Yeah but doesn't seem to apply in a case where the guy met up with his ex and had sex...

doinmummy · 14/10/2012 20:06

I'd be more upset that it was his ex and not a stranger IYSWIM . He had to make plans to meet up with his ex, unless she was laying, legs akimbo on the tarmac and he tripped down the aeroplane steps with a hard on and his trousers round his ankles.

JustFabulous · 14/10/2012 20:07

Obviously. But people were questioning why anyone would meet up with an ex if they didn't want sex. Not everyone is a cheat or wants to repeat past shagging.

doinmummy · 14/10/2012 20:12

How do you feel about his next trip OP? Not good i guess.

OneMoreGo · 14/10/2012 20:15

I agree he is planning to do it again and this is why he has told you now. Your lack of reaction (i.e dumping him immediately) he will take as a covert agreement that it is okay for him to continue this behaviour in the future. ONLY stay with him if you are happy with the idea of him sleeping with her (and indeed others) again and again.

fuckadoodlepoopoo · 14/10/2012 20:28

Its weird that he's not remorseful. I get that it meant nothing to him but that he doesn't understand that it definitely means something to you and how it effects you makes him sound really immature. Perhaps I've got this wrong, but it just sounds like he is surprised that you are upset about it.

How old is he?

QuintessentialShadows · 14/10/2012 20:56

If he is not remorseful and does not see it as a big thing, there is no stopping him doing it again.

I think, he cant possibly be that into you, if he expects you two not to be monogamous.

HeartLess · 14/10/2012 20:56

He has a house in that country. She lives in it. She was supposed to move out but never did. He has said today that he will put it up for sale.
He is in his 50's I'm in my 40's

The best thing that has ever happened to me would not fuck around this is the reason am upset, angry and asking for advice on here.

I don't trust him and am still raking my brains as to why he told me.
Im thinking to end it. Maybe that's what he wants to go there a free man and not just have the guilty one night stand, but to get back with her.

My mind is going round and round with all kind of thoughts. I have not slept all night and have just drank a not very helpful bottle of wine.

OP posts:

QuintessentialShadows · 14/10/2012 20:58

How do you know she is his ex if she lives in his house?

More importantly: Does she know she is "an ex"?

doinmummy · 14/10/2012 21:00

Good point Quint

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JustFabulous · 14/10/2012 21:02

If you think he wants to get back with her then can you really stay with him?

ATourchOfInsanity · 14/10/2012 21:02

Heartless has a point here. My ex was cheating on me with his now gf and I very much doubt told her he was still sleeping with me, if she even knew he was living here tbh. It is all about him and what he wants and feels he can get away with. There is a reason he is this age and not in a long relationship/marriage IMO.

ATourchOfInsanity · 14/10/2012 21:03

Sorry meant Quint

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