Another 'caught dh with porn' thread but I'm a right fucking mess

[WhatAGreatBigPileOfCrap]

So, have suspected dh uses porn for a long time. I've almost caught him at it a few times. Then a couple of nights ago I asked to borrow his phone as mine had run out, cue "erm yeah in a minute" . So this morning I had a sneaky peek at his phone and he'd not been so quick to delete this time. Lots and lots of links to 'pornhub'. We have 2 young children, so I told him he needed to be more careful with what he left on his phone and we would talk about it later. He grabbed his phone to look at what I'd seen, but I had deleted the internet history. He said sorry.

I have avoided him all day but I've just had a look at pornhub. I am clearly completely fucking naive and prudish but I thought it was disgusting, really graphic, made me feel ill and I cannot believe the man I have known and loved for nearly 20 years gets off on this. There are lots of other issues with sex in our marriage, but I think this might have actually finished us off. I'm devastated. Sorry for this long list but I need to offload all the stuff swirling round my head:

He's looked at internet porn before, a very long time ago, I was really upset about it. So I have issues that he's doing it again

We rarely have sex since DC2 was born over a year ago. I had horrible injuries from the birth and even though I am reasonably ok now, I still feel hideous and don't want sex. I have tried to talk to him about this and he wouldn't. He hasn't pushed me for sex. I stupidly thought he was a lovely bloke who was giving me some space while I got over this.

I'm scared by what I saw (nothing illegal I don't think) but freaked me out, I feel like I don't know him. I can't look at him and really don't want to be near him, especially not sex. The thought of even undressing in front of him now feels awful. I'm worried by the frequency of it. He is often keen for me to have an early night. I'm worried about what other things he's looked at. And what he thinks about when we are together, or when we have sex, or when he looks at me.

We have 2 young girls. Somehow this makes it worse in my head. I find him pretty disgusting right now.

He's back home now so can't post anymore, but please help. I am overreacting right? I will get over this right? Please tell me what to do, I know I need to talk to him but I can't trust anything he tells me. My lovely marriage is in a mess. Please help

totally agree crazyhead

I keep cross posting with Beth

I agree with everything she said. Am on my phone, so I shall just take a short cut and "like" everything she says

What BethFairbright said. You are allowed to set your own boundaries about what you are comfortable with in a relationship, or what would cause you to lose respect for your husband, without reference to what anyone else finds acceptable for their own relationship.

I think that some things you might want to consider for yourself and your own sexual satisfaction are kicking up a fuss and seeing if there is any form of surgery that could help your prolapse, and possibly some form of counselling for birth trauma and/or psychosexual counselling. I think there are a number of threads on birth injuries and prolapse on the health board - you might be able to get more advice there.

Thank goodness Beth crazyhead and HappyHalloween are here. OP, I hope you're not paying too much attention to the people who are more or less justifying your DH's behaviour by blaming you for not wanting to have sex at the moment. You are quite entitled to feel upset, or even to have ideological objections to porn in general. I hope your health recovers - and that you find a resolution with your DH.

OP what an awful situation for you. some people are ok with porn, others or not. whether or not it is acceptable in other partnerships, whether it is morally ok among other consenting adults is not the issue here. as someone else said you are entitled to feel upset by this. your OH knows how you feel about it, especially as he has tried to hide it from you! i also know what it's like to really think you know someone and then find out there is this big part of their life/psyche that you were wrong about, it makes you question everything.

i don't think he has been driven to porn by you not having sex very often IMHO they are quite possibly seperate issues. i'm afraid i haven't got any practical advice but just to say i would feel the same as you in the situation, for me it would possibly (but not definately) be a deal breaker. I agree with scare, that you might want to consider some form of counselling for your birth trauma (not so that you can have sex with OH again but rather because it is still affecting YOU). there is no rush to make any decision about your relationship, get your head straight first and decide what your own boundaries are, not what other people (inc OH) thinks is ok.

Agree two issues. You and how you feel about yourself and your relationship with yourself, your own sensuality, your values, your principles including your relationship with your DH (don't downgrade them becaues your DH is somewhere else with this).

Then your DH's relationship with porn. Is it negative, nasty, degrading? Only you can comment from your point of view, in the light of first issue.

Great posts Beth & Crazy.

It never fails to sadden me just how much other women will put up with so that their man can have sexual release.

You do not need porn in order to have sexual release

OP, I hope you get the support you so obviously need from your DP

beth and others we are talking about a man in this case and his sexual needs but we could just as easily be talking about a woman whose husband had withdrawn sexual contact for whatever reason. the person who wrote this thread is obviously worried on more than one level and I don't think charging her up as some uncompromising anti porn boadicea is going to help their relationship to progress at all. helping her to see it from his point of view is surely more helpful in the long run to be understanding of the issues and loving towards him, is going to help their marriage, I mean if he is just a selfish wanker in every other respect then fair do's go in with guns blazing, make lines in the sand?
as a woman I can tell you that if sex was withdrawn by my partner for medical reasons or otherwise I would meet my needs else where by masturbating on my own or to porn or whatever. I would however talk to my partner about the change but perhaps in this case he though discussing it would make her feel bad about it and didn't. sexual frustrations build up over a period of time and sure you can ignore them to a point but why would any one want to ignore that part of them self forever and sorry but no one should have to deny a massive part of themselves either. I wouldn't and I wouldn't expect anyone else to either.
ok the people that said your lucky he is not having an affair, ok that is not a very nice way of putting it but I suppose what they are suggesting that without sex a person will go else were, that is not always the case but lack of sex for a long period of time came be symptomatic of lacks in other areas of the relationship, a general lack of intimacy, you don't need sex to be intimate but it helps and if you are not having sex then you need to keep the intimacy levels up other ways.
if I was in a relationship that was sexless for a long time I would leave it if the other connections died off too, as I feel that, that is pretty inevitable , what would sustain me however through a hopefully short sexless period for whatever reason would be wanking with or with out porn in the hope that giving the other person time and space would sort things out and I would still be able to have an orgasm. those are allowed right.

Hi. We had a long talk about it last night. DH didn't play it down, or tell me I was making a fuss about it, or that all blokes do it, or that it's because I didn't want sex or anything like that. He said he felt ashamed and embarrassed, that he didn't want that sort of sex in a relationship, that he loved me and loved our sex life (before it ground to a halt I'm guessing). He said it started out as curiosity and carried on, usually after a few drinks. He actually said that saturday night he turned it off half way through thinking 'you sad bastard' (his words). He said he was so sorry, that he didn't want to make me feel under pressure to have sex which is why he didn't talk to me about it. He assured me there was nothing weird, just 'standard stuff' (whatever that is).

I'm sure we both said a lot more but it's a bit blurry. I actually felt ill I was so upset, I really felt betrayed I suppose, that he was doing this behind my back for so long (about a year he said). I don't think I ever felt angry about it, just upset.

Thanks to those who didn't think I was overreacting, and for those that helped me see it from his point of view (not being unfaithful, or a perv, or wanting the same in reality).

I really need to see what he watched, but I'm not ready yet. I'm hoping we can get over this.

I also need to sort myself out, not sure how I do that though. Can you magic your libido back??!! The docs won't operate on the prolapse until I'm older (they class it as mild still) or until I'm sure I don't want any more children (though given the pregnancy and birth it would be a really stupid idea, sad as that makes me feel). I forgot to say that I also 'overhealed' after the birth, meaning that sex was actually impossible for a while. They sorted it out but I look like a patchwork quilt. Not surprising I have low self esteem really! Also DC2 still wakes every 2 or 3 hours, sometimes more, and I work aswell, so I'm completely knackered which I'm sure makes everything seem so much worse. Sorry I know this sounds a bit self pitying, but to those who said I'm lucky he didn't have an affair, I really don't feel lucky!!!

You are not self pitying.

Seek help for your physical problems. Don't worry too much about your libido. Keep talking to your h, and insist he confides in you too

I think you will come through this. I would, in your position, accept his explanation. No one on this thread expects men to be perfect creatures, but basic decency and trustworthiness is a non-negotiable condition, IMO

Good luck x

OP, glad you had an honest chat with your DH about it.

You are not unreasonable to feel upset about his porn use - I'd feel exactly the same way. My DH does not use porn - not all men do. If you're not happy with it, then he shouldn't do it. But it sounds like he knows that anyway.

I hope your DC2 starts to sleep better and things will get back to normal again. xx

Sounds like you both had a good talk and that he is willing to work through this with you. Please do go back to the Dr about your injuries - these are affecting your ability to live a full life.

I would think about talking to him about looking at ways of supporting you so that you are not as tired and feel loved and also at bringing back general everyday intimacy e.g hand holding, hugs etc.

I'm glad you managed to have a talk with him. You did say one thing that I wondered about - why do you have to see what he has been watching? It just might make you feel much, much worse. He's admitted he's been watching, he's said he won't any more and he's sorry. You've said he's basically a good man so I really wouldn't look at what he was watching then.

I can actually understand why you want to see what he has been watching - otherwise you will always be wondering especially since you are shocked that he is not quite the man you thought you married. If what you see is exactly what he has told you, then it may reassure you.

OP you don't have a 'lovely' marriage. You have one where you don't communicate and one person doesn't want sex while the other does.

Porn, in my relationship is fine. Its not a substitute for real sex and we occasionally watch it. I think my dp very occasionally watches it alone. Sex texting real women, web camming and escorts are absolutely not ok.

Now you are entitled to not agree with porn and I can totally see how this might add to you self esteem issues but not only do you not want him to view porn, you also don't want sex. What do you expect hin to do long term?

You have been lulled into a false sense of security by him not mentioning sex and you thinking he is fine. He is at fault too by not wanting to discuss this big intimacy issue.

You seriously need to talk.

1. Try and sort your childs sleep issues. Lack of sleep is used as torture. It won't be doing you any good. I know sleep is a total nightmare and everyone has very different opinions on it, but if I was you, I'd be trying whatever method of sleep training I personally preferred to get that resolved.
2. It sounds really really shallow, but when I was in a similar slump post DCs I went and got a haircut, went to one of the cosmetics counters and said 'please make me look less crap' and then bought whatever slap they applied, and bought some new clothes. It did help, but if money is tight then maybe just spend some time on yourself?
3. Do some exercise. Endorphins are great. And include some pelvic floor exercises in that too - have you seen a gynae physio?
4. Are you on any meds that could affect your libido eg the pill? Are you still breastfeeding?
5. Take the pressure off, no need for sex, just start by getting intimate with your husband again. After kids foreplay etc can fall by the wayside and you never spend time actually getting in the mood as sex can be reduced to a quick fumble in the few spare seconds the kids are asleep. Try having a bath together, or a massage, or a 'date night' and just try to enjoy each others close company again.

(((hugs))) you are not alone, other people have felt like this (((hughs)))

I get you, I really do, the porngirls they get off on have big boobs and slim waists and really pretty faces, and body's to die for and us plain janes would feel insecure about that. I have nothing helpful to say though I'm afraid, just to let you know I would be upset if I found out my dp did this.