Another 'caught dh with porn' thread but I'm a right fucking mess

[WhatAGreatBigPileOfCrap]

So, have suspected dh uses porn for a long time. I've almost caught him at it a few times. Then a couple of nights ago I asked to borrow his phone as mine had run out, cue "erm yeah in a minute" . So this morning I had a sneaky peek at his phone and he'd not been so quick to delete this time. Lots and lots of links to 'pornhub'. We have 2 young children, so I told him he needed to be more careful with what he left on his phone and we would talk about it later. He grabbed his phone to look at what I'd seen, but I had deleted the internet history. He said sorry.

I have avoided him all day but I've just had a look at pornhub. I am clearly completely fucking naive and prudish but I thought it was disgusting, really graphic, made me feel ill and I cannot believe the man I have known and loved for nearly 20 years gets off on this. There are lots of other issues with sex in our marriage, but I think this might have actually finished us off. I'm devastated. Sorry for this long list but I need to offload all the stuff swirling round my head:

He's looked at internet porn before, a very long time ago, I was really upset about it. So I have issues that he's doing it again

We rarely have sex since DC2 was born over a year ago. I had horrible injuries from the birth and even though I am reasonably ok now, I still feel hideous and don't want sex. I have tried to talk to him about this and he wouldn't. He hasn't pushed me for sex. I stupidly thought he was a lovely bloke who was giving me some space while I got over this.

I'm scared by what I saw (nothing illegal I don't think) but freaked me out, I feel like I don't know him. I can't look at him and really don't want to be near him, especially not sex. The thought of even undressing in front of him now feels awful. I'm worried by the frequency of it. He is often keen for me to have an early night. I'm worried about what other things he's looked at. And what he thinks about when we are together, or when we have sex, or when he looks at me.

We have 2 young girls. Somehow this makes it worse in my head. I find him pretty disgusting right now.

He's back home now so can't post anymore, but please help. I am overreacting right? I will get over this right? Please tell me what to do, I know I need to talk to him but I can't trust anything he tells me. My lovely marriage is in a mess. Please help

My exDP withdrew intimacy from our relationship so I started viewing porn (nothing nasty just two consenting individuals having intercourse) as I am a v sexual person with needs. I see absolutely nothing wrong with viewing porn to get my needs met. Far more healthy than having an affair.

I'm afraid if you refuse to have sex with your DH he has every right to watch as much porn as he likes and it's pretty unfair of you to tell him he is not 'allowed' to watch porn if you won't have sex with him! I would have burst without being able to have some release, ie. porn, and no I don't get turned on by 50 bloody shades of grey!

Well said NOLM!

I was a bit scared to be that blunt when I posted, I think it's fair to say everyone has sexual needs and you're lucky he's not had an affair.

Op is lucky he hasn't had an affair ?

Really? This is helpful?

Thanks, some of these replies are really helpful. Having read back my post I sound rather hysterical, but I had just looked at pornhub and it was a complete shock.

I can see how it looked like I was snooping. When I say I nearly caught him a few times, it was genuinely an accident ie coming downstairs for a drink after I'd gone to bed. I had no idea he was looking at porn on his phone until he acted really suspiciously when I asked to borrow his phone. It was honestly the first time I have ever looked on his phone. I knew I would find porn, it was obvious, but I guess I am completely naive as to what types of porn a freely available on the internet. It's not something that has ever interested me, so I thought vanilla porn was women with big tits wafting them about. I didn't realise it was graphic close ups and videos of teenage girls. More fool me I suppose.

It was good to read whoever posted about men who watch porn not being 'vile perverts'. I think when I saw what was on pornhub that's what I was thinking. I know loads of people are into porn, and I know I sound prudish, but it's never been something I needed to enjoy sex, and I suppose I am quite dull when it comes to sex. But DH knew all this, we were together a long time before we got married. What has changed is that I don't want sex at the moment. I had a prolapse after DC2's birth. It's truly horrid and it will never go away. I know I have to deal with it, and I was in my own way.

Anyway, I have no issues dh masturbating. I think my main issue is that I think what he is wanking to is vile and it's a side of him I didn't know existed and if that's what he's looking for in a relationship then I am not the right wife for him am I?

So I'm going to talk to him. I know I have self esteem issues, I know it's not his fault, but this has made me feel like complete shit.

Many, many people are not into porn for political reasons and actually I feel this is a measure of good self esteem.

Make sure, op, that you take no notice of the people on this thread who blame you for your husband's inadequacy.

And don't let him do it either. Has he actually raised the issue of your lack of sex life, or unilaterally decided to replace it with something he knew would hurt you ?

No he's never raised the lack of sex as an issue. He does still want to have sex with me, so he's not completely replaced me for porn. He knew it would upset me, as it did years ago when I found porn on our joint pc (I wasn't snooping back then and didn't have any suspicions about porn at all, he had installed software to remove internet history, I didn't know what the programme was and clicked on it, and all the stuff deleted from the internet history was in there - suddenly feel the need to justify myself there!)

Just because I have defended her husbands use of porn, i have in no way "blamed" the OP for his inadequecy - that is because i don't see the use of porn in that way.

I have pointed out that if the OPs sex life is lacking and SHE wants to change this, she needs to talk to her partner. If they don't the situation will continue as it is, she will continue to go without and he will get his jollies on his blackberry.

I would, OP, take issue with the whole deceitful nature of it all though, as you have said in your last post, he clearly knows this upsets you but found ways to continue to do this without you finding out. Partners looking at porn, openly or semi-openly is one thing, but the lengths he is going to suggests he may actually have a problem - i know, bit of a u-turn!

ok need a bit more help. I need to speak to dh, I know this, and I will speak to him, but I really don't know what to say. "I think you're a perv" "you've made me feel like shit" "you shouldn't have married me" ??? this isn't going to go well is it?

I also feel like I need to know exactly what he has watched. But apart from not entirely trusting that he would show me everything, I think even the mild stuff would freak me out after today. I guess I just don't want it to be degrading horrid stuff, but then he wouldn't show me that would he

Has the DH an inadequecy though? Or is this a lack of communication going on?

OP do you see all porn as vile? I mean to say there's nothing to suggest he was looking at the worst of porn hub is there?

You say if that's what he's looking for in a relationship then I am not the right wife for him am I? - but he's not looking for a relationship with the women on his screen. He is in a relationship with YOU. You describe yourself as dull and prudish. I find this sad. I'm sure you're neither He is with you. You have been together a long time - this counts for so much.

I think you need a good talk with your DH. About your sex life - what you want, what he wants - how to get close again. What you need from him to make the closeness possible again.

X posts.

DO ask him what he has been watching. Tell him it makes a difference to you. Tell him you need his help getting past this ...

Hello, I'm sorry to read about your situation, OP. I think that there have been enough useful comments expressed here, so I shan't repeat some of the advice you've had. Rather, my comment is directed toward your birth injury.

Can't you have an operation to correct the prolapse? You don't have to suffer with this!

I believe that the surgery you might need is called colposuspension. The aim is to surgically strengthen your pelvic floor and hoik everything back up to where it should be.

Check it out:

m.netdoctor.co.uk/surgical-procedures/colposuspension.htm

Zombie, you think it is entirely op's responsibility to talk to her h then?

He is completely absolved of any at all?

I am asking rhetorical questions, btw, so no compulsion to reply. Ones that op needs to ask herself, also

Happyhalloween absolutely not! I did say in my last post that he is being dishonest and that is a massive problem for me. That aside, I would definately urge the OP to talk to her partner, someone has to start the ball rolling, he has a lot of questions to answer, that is in no way absolving him. I just don't think there is any mileage in the "oh my god, you filthy perv i can't believe you have been looking at that shit" stance. They need to come to an understanding together tso they can recover their sex life, which is actually a separate but bigger issue. His use of porn upsets the OP (it wouldnt upset me, but thats me) it is therefore unacceptable. Yours was a fair question.

definately don't go down the route of accusing him and berating him.

Tell him you were really upset by what you saw and that you want to understand why he needs to look at it, and what it is he is looking at - he should respect you enough to show you. If he can't then tell him that you have looked at the site and if he wont show you then you can only assume that he has been looking at the really unacceptable shite. He might have been looking at something as "simple" as lesbians (a common male fantasy) or just straight sex or variations thereof - it will help you to know this i think.

He might have a sexual kink - maybe hes into feet? maybe he likes a dominatrix? that sort of thing - would that be OK? more acceptable even?

You need to be crystal clear that above and beyond the porn use is his decietfulness and that you absolutely will not accept it.

Then i thnk you need to ask him how he feels about things between you - ask him to be honest. Then work out a way to move foreward. You describe him as a good man, apart from the dishonesty, he sounds like one. Don't write your marriage off over this.

HappyHalloween there is nothing wrong with my self esteem, what utter claptrap. Self esteem has nothing to do with why I and many others with perfectly good self esteem watch porn.

I said it was my opinion, in common with many others, spartacus

Do you often dimiss other opinions as "utter claptrap"?

This being a support thread and all, it might be best you do it your way, I'll do it mine, yeah

I think what you're hearing is that some women use porn themselves, some know a partner does and have no problem with it, some don't like their partner's use of it but see it as a fair exchange for not having sex and others wouldn't tolerate it in their relationship.

You don't sound to me like the sort of person who can live in a fluffy cloud of denial regarding the truths about porn- and believe that most women involved in it are well-treated, handsomely paid, healthy and uninjured, having entered the industry after a secure childhood. You also don't sound like a woman who thinks that women have just got to suck it up, because porn is just something that men do. You sound like a woman that's got a good bullshit radar and having seen the porn that's on that site, aren't prepared to believe that real women haven't got hurt and degraded by what masquerades as 'entertainment'.

So don't be persuaded by other people's pay-offs that either help their own consciences to watch this stuff, or to stay in relationships with men who like porn. Decide where you stand on this- and then talk to your dh about where you're at. You can't stop him watching it, but you can state your views and ask him not to. It's then up to him whether it's such a big deal to him that he'd rather use it than stop upsetting you. You might want to ask for his honesty about that though- and tell him the consequences of appearing to agree with you and then lying about it.

You sex life is a different issue entirely. I'm assuming you miss that as much as him and want to become intimate again with the man you love and desire? Insist on medical help because in my view, medicine still doesn't take women's birth injuries as seriously as they should and the emphasis is still too much on women's incapacity being a male problem (i.e men can't have PIV sex with an injured woman) and not the fact that women want to get their health back for their own sake and no-one else's. But in the short-term, there are all sorts of ways to regain intimacy and have sexual fun together without it being painful for you.

that I think my main issue is that I think what he is wanking to is vile and it's a side of him I didn't know existed and if that's what he's looking for in a relationship then I am not the right wife for him am I?

But this isn't what he's looking for in a relationship is he? He's having a wank - it's not real. Look - all those women who got off on the idea of Christian Grey - do you think that they all actually want to have a BDSM relationship? It isn't real, just a fantasy. I'm sure most people have thought of all sorts whilst masturbating, but they wouldn't want them as their reality - I certainly wouldn't.

Your DH is still your DH. Don't push him away (and go to the docs about your prolapse)

I think that in the context of a woman having a recent prolapse whilst having a man's child, then the 'don't be surprised if your man watches porn if you won't have sex with him' comments are vile. All this man's sexual and emotional energy should be going towards making the op feel loved. Screw his 'needs' for porn - i daresay the op 'needs' not to be so ill. This man wanted kids, so he needs to take on the consequences for himself just as much as the op does.

I wish we could have a support section for posts like this, one where the OP isn't going to be flamed for being angered by oh watching porn, and for snooping!

I'm not a feminist btw.

please, get a grip. You don't want to have sex with your partner. he is not pushing you. But he still has sexual desire. so he watches porn and has a wank. so what. he is not being unfaithful, he is not pressuring you into sex - what do you expect him to do ?

what do you expect him to do ?

Lets see....

Have a wank without porn? Men are capable of this, revolutionary though this idea seems on Mumsnet.

Talk to his wife about how she is feeling about her sexual needs? Try to work together with her so that both of their needs are met, within her injury's constraints?

It's so bloody telling that so many posters think that if a man isn't having sex, he's got no option other than to wank to porn. Telling too that there is this blanket assumption that the OP has no sexual needs of her own.

Well said, crazy

Some bloody awful insinuations on this thread. I still can't believe someone said "you are lucky he isn't having affair"

Then again, when you take into account how many women think that a man's right to sexual release trumps everything else, then it's not hard to understand why....