Irrationally angry

[Patron]

We are redecorating the house, my husband has taken a week off work so while I was at work today he did NOTHING. He said I hadn't picked out the paint. I am just so angry that yet again I have to make all the decisions and tell him what to do. I was at work today so he could have prepped or painted the woodwork or ceilings but because I wasn't there telling him exactly what to do and when he did absolutely nothing. He is so passive, he doesn't seem able to do anything without me telling him what to do, to the outside world it looks like he is being kind and considerate by letting me decide everything, but it is so bloody wearing, he never does anything with the children unless I tell him what to do, he would never think to suggest we go out or do something nice. He just waits for me to tell him what to do. I hate it so much, how can I make him understand that I just want him to be more proactive, I have talked to him about this until I am blue in the face. Does anyone else have this, any strategies to encourage change?

He did mess up big time, I can't really go into it here, but it affected our family hugely as well as his job and self-esteem. I guess that is why I am so angry about it. He brought it on himself and I am being forced to pick up the pieces

Any chance you can discuss this with him, if only to describe how it is affecting you and your feelings towards him, and try to hear his side. If it's as bad as it seems above he must be feeling pretty guilty and might need some counselling to get over it. An honest discussion might be a chance for him to apologise and for you to explain how hard it is for you.

Hmm! Thanks for asking, Achillea. (very annoying plant, btw, I must dig mine up before the ground gets hard!)

A really good bully, with the right target, can absolutely devastate the target's mental and physical health, destroy their relationships and ruin their career. When you realise what's been happening, you realise they did it because of all your best qualities - the ones they chose you for. This is what I meant by proving that your best self causes pain: it happened to you because of your best self!

Like any other traumatised victim, you become terrified of putting yourself in such danger again. Since the trigger for your devastation was the 'best' of what you are, you avoid being your best. From here, yes, it develops into self-sabotage. Speaking only for myself, it feels like I'm on a weird mission to prove ex-boss and ex-husband were right about me. It's really a warped (but powerful) attempt to avoid ever having to go through that again.

I realise this could have been a clearer post - I'm surprised at how upsetting I'm finding it, after all these years & so much work! Bullyonline.org is really helpful on workplace abuse - and abuse in general - if a tad chaotic. Here's some stuff about Complex PTSD.

So you never want to build yourself up again because you know that if you do it could all be torn down by those that you trust. But why don't you just give up and not try to build yourself back up (theoretically)? It sounds like a kind of slow self-destruction.

Can I ask how you are now about it all garlicbutty?

Thanks for asking, amillion, though I don't want to hijack Patron's discussion. I had no idea how pervasive the damage was; revisiting the Bullyonline PTSD page has shown me I'm still rather in the phase of "C.4. the person becomes obsessed with resolving the bullying experience which takes over their life, eclipsing and excluding almost every other interest.
C.5. Feelings of withdrawal and isolation are common; the person just wants to be on their own and solitude is sought." It's very much a process of putting oneself back together - literally recovering the traumatised parts of one's character and figuring out how to re-incorporate them, hopefully in a more robust fashion. I would wish it on my worst enemy, as long as that enemy was one of the people who did it to me!!

It looks as though I'm assuming Mr Patron was abused at work. A very similar thing can happen - for much the same psychological reasons - when a person's firmly-held beliefs are shattered. Say you'd always been praised for your creativity, entrusted with a huge project and it crashed horribly. It may have been the wrong kind of project, or they might need to learn to ask for closer management, but some people would feel such self-blame they can't trust their own creativity in even the smallest way. This is exactly the sort of thing therapy can resolve entirely.

I am wondering what Mr Patron was like before the work incident.
Has he now completely come to a halt because of it,or was he sliding to it before the work incident.

Mind you,thinking about it,if he was bullied,it could have been happening over a period of time.