Irrationally angry

[Patron]

We are redecorating the house, my husband has taken a week off work so while I was at work today he did NOTHING. He said I hadn't picked out the paint. I am just so angry that yet again I have to make all the decisions and tell him what to do. I was at work today so he could have prepped or painted the woodwork or ceilings but because I wasn't there telling him exactly what to do and when he did absolutely nothing. He is so passive, he doesn't seem able to do anything without me telling him what to do, to the outside world it looks like he is being kind and considerate by letting me decide everything, but it is so bloody wearing, he never does anything with the children unless I tell him what to do, he would never think to suggest we go out or do something nice. He just waits for me to tell him what to do. I hate it so much, how can I make him understand that I just want him to be more proactive, I have talked to him about this until I am blue in the face. Does anyone else have this, any strategies to encourage change?

Patron,you never answered my questions,and garlicbutty was very kind to open up about herself.You did say thankyou,but again,you did not go into any detail about it.
It is your choice of course.
So I am wondering if your DH stuggles to relate to you as well.And chooses instead to just shut up emotionally, and now actively as well.
You also called your thread "irrationally angry".

garlicbutty also went to the trouble of giving you google links to possibly follow up.

he brought an awful lot of his problems on himself

Ouch. Isn't that a little bit like not having sympathy for someone who was paralysed in a riding accident, say, or who goes down with a nasty disease caught from patients on a medical outreach programme?

Obviously I don't know how he caused his own problems. Did his passion to fight for the right thing attract trouble?

Sorry for crosspost, amillion.

my dp was like this when we first met due to his previous relationship and not being allowed to make any decision. i just refused to make any decisions offered up choices and left if at that. it was so difficult for him at first and quite painful, as someone else said I just praised anything he did, gave him lots of affirmations that he was doing the right thing and formed any criticisms as suggestions as things he could try as he took any form of criticism really hard.

I never mind being crossposted.

I had this with DH. Shortly after we started seeing each other I realised he couldn't make decisions or take initiative for anything. After a bit more time, when I realised I wanted to be with him long-term I started to think about how to try and improve things, as I didn't want to be in a relationship where I was always in the driving seat.

I realised a lot of his trouble came down to issues from his childhood, so started off asking him to make decisions about really simple things; eg choosing first when we went out to eat, then asking him about why he'd chosen that, saying it sounded great etc. So we started small and worked from there. Like Duffedup says, offering loads of positive affirmation nd praise etc.

This definitely helped his confidence and, after we started living together, I asked him to take responsibility for certain jobs/ areas of our life, that he needed to deal with, eg car was completely his responsibility. So he had things to "be in charge of". That helped too.

It's important to say that this wasn't just a learning process for him stepping up, but also for me, in stepping back. Im quite a bossy, mouthy cow strong-minded and assertive person and I had to resist the urge to take control and instead to let him flourish in his own way.

A few years on and he's a fantastic, supportive, confident husband. We have a great relationship, because we've learnt what each other can bring to the party and how to let our very different personalities compliment each other. It took work from both of us to get there though.

ah ha learned a lot about myself in helping him. doesn't mean I still cant be a bossy cow but mostly I don't want to. having know what he has gone through before I don't want to ever make him feel undervalued or lacking in any way.

Lovely posts.

Millionyears, sorry I realise I didn't address your questions, he isn't happy, but I don't think depressed, the things he isn't happy about are things that only he can change, sorry I sound so heartless, I do have experience of depression and realise that my term 'get over it' is very crass. He does still get very excited/passionate about things. He has a good relationship with his parents, his mother is also incredibly passive, so much so that it makes me want to shake her. Sorry there I go again with the complete lack of empathy! I also only called this thread 'irrationally angry' because it is crazy to be seething about bloody paint, but obviously it goes much deeper than just paint colour. Thanks for all the responses, others have put my feelings into words far more eloquently!

Interesting about his passive mother.My friend's MIL is possibly the most domineering woman I have ever met!

Thanks for answering.
Can I ask what attracted you to him in the first place,especially since his mother seems to be the same way as well.

He really wasn't this passive when we first met, like I say he was passionate about things and very interesting. Now he just seems so lazy and quite boring. I have always found his mother's passivity so fucking irritating, I still can't work out if she really really doesn't care or is just being manipulative.

I actually think one of the things he was originally attracted to me for was my independence and outspokenness. Complete opposite to his mum, his dad's new partner is also very like me and nothing like his mum.

One of my sons used not to think very much,which got him onto trouble.
I have had to train him to think,and think things all the way through.
Now he is ace at it,but it took years.

Is your DH willing to be trained?
Sounds weird for him to need this at his age,but sounds like your MIL has not done it.
The practical suggestions on here seem good ideas to me.

Yes I have seen it before.He was probably attracted to you for all the things you are that he wasnt or isnt.

I think you are right, he does need retraining, I will use some of the tips others have shared. I find it incredibly frustrating but realise that is probably not good to show him. I will now try positive reinforcement..... Like a puppy

and

OP

You say "he just rolls over and takes it", that you "hate his weakness", he's "boring", you find his mother "fucking irritating" and you want to "shake her" and you're going to retrain him "like a puppy".

Have you considered how your role in this might be affecting his current state of mind?

Yes. I do. Really I do. I am aware that I sound bitchy and aggressive. Especially with all those quotes you highlighted... oops you are right of course, that it doesn't help his current state of mind, but I feel so worn down by it, and so out of control. He did mess up big time, I can't really go into it here, but it affected our family hugely as well as his job and self-esteem. I guess that is why I am so angry about it. He brought it on himself and I am being forced to pick up the pieces. Phew. It really does go deeper than paint colour ... It's all coming out now!

You both sound unhappy Patron, but it's manifesting itself in different ways. You're getting angry and feeling out of control and he's retreating into his shell.

It sounds tough for you both. Can you talk to anyone in RL?

I agree that it could be that he is worried that if he goes ahead with anything you won't be pleased. I had a bit of this problem myself. I dared to complain about DH's painting and decorating (which left a lot to be desired) and he said he was doing no more painting in the house. That was around 8 years ago. And he hasn't done any. I had to get somebody in. And they did a great job. So it worked out well.

OP I have no advice, but could have written your post.

My DH us the reasoning that because he works in an extremely high stress job, and works incredibly hard at it, he has no 'space left in his brain' to remember where things go, for example, or how to feed the dcs their dinner.

Which is fair enough, but then he also knows the names and details of every member of every football team on the planet, apparently. When I've pointed this out, he accuses me of nagging. Apparently wanting to get the children fed and washed and put to bed is unnecessary nagging.

Like I said, I have no advice, but do sympathise. I recognise the points made by various posters above that it could very well be a consequence of me being too critical or overriding him in the past. I do really believe, however, that my DH, like his own father, believes that having a stronger than usual work ethic career-wise excuses him from having any work ethic anywhere else. He thinks that because he's never taken a sick day or been late for work, he is entitled to sit back and relax in his home life while I do all the work. He's being a bloody martyr, then using his martyrdom as an excuse to be slack.

Sorry, I seem to be ranting. I must be irrationally angry too. I feel your pain.

I sympathise OP. DH can be like this and it used to drive me mad. I realised I was going round in circles by letting him see how annoyed I was so decided to back off.

Found it reallyhard and realised I'm actually a bit of a control freak .

We now divvy up things that need doing, jointly agree a deadline for finishing and I bite my lip and refrain from nagging/criticising.
It's not a magic bullet (and he often leaves his things way past the deadline ) but it is much better. I'm learning to trust him do do things well. I've also noticed him pointing out a better method than my way of doing things, which is new!
He's got a lot better at suggesting impromptu things to do with DCs, spontaneous coupley stuff and even planned and booked our family holiday last year.
I think the changes in me have improved my relationship with DS1 too.

You can get past this but it's that old chestnut of changing yourself instead of expecting others to change.

Good luck!

You have to manage someone like that. If you feel he isn't going to do it without instruction, instruct him. Don't get dragged down by it. In our house I do some things, he does others, I don't mess with his jobs and he doesn't mess with mine. Of course I do millions more jobs than him but at least I know where I stand and don't expect too much.

But I'm VERY interested in Garlic's discussion about this though
In a nutshell, bullies abuse you for doing what you do well. When they succeed in breaking your confidence, the psychological effect can be to 'prove' that being your best self causes pain. Overall, it wrecks your understanding of yourself and leaves you horribly afraid to be yourself. Nasty stuff

How would you move from having broken confidence to proving that your best self causes pain? I am genuinely interested - is this a kind of self-sabotage thing? (Sorry to hijack OP)