Is this what they call emotional abuse? Re: a family member

[Namechangeyetagain]

This is about my brother.

There is a large and complicated backstory involving my brother and his 'victim' status. He suffers from low self esteem, anxiety and cyclical depression. I won't go into now as this post would be an essay! However, he is very loyal and 'proper'. He He wouldn't dream of laying a finger on a woman, believes in equality and is a bit of a romantic. He met his wife about eight years ago and she turned his life around. She helped him with his debts, he became happy with life for the first time, they married and very soon after had a child.

At first we all got on with her although she would sometimes behave oddly. She could be quite negative and critical of my brother, even doing it in front of our mother and friends and family. When mentioned to my brother he would just shrug and say 'that's just her'. After sometime he admitted that she herself had past struggles with depression and it affects her self esteem.

As time has gone by, her behaviour can be very inconsistent and frustrating. She can switch from being lovely to being moody and outright rude. She can also be quite self-absorbed e.g you can spend quite a bit of time with her without her once asking how you are. She is also very controlling, she controls the finances, all the decisions regarding the children and the house. 321We all put this down to this just being her.

She decided to move the whole family to the other side of the country, my brother didn't really have a choice in the matter, as it was a case of she would take the kids and go without him. I think he has always tried to convince himself he wanted to go. Being so far away makes it tricky for any of us in his family to know really whats going on. After a few long conversations with him recently, it seems her behaviour has become intolerable and controlling and he dreads going home each night.

It seems that over the last year she has become quite down and takes it out on my brother. He has started calling me to ask me if this is 'normal' behaviour between spouses.

Examples include her telling him she doesn't respect him due to him earning less than her. She can't bear the idea of spending the rest of her life with him
She wishes she never had children with him
Telling him he should be moving out. Then changing her mind because it would upset the children. She does apologise but as my brother said, this comments ring loudly in his head and makes him feel like shit.

She has very strict rules in the house which can often make visiting quite uncomfortable for family. If he deviates from these, she has certain sanctions in place which if he challenges it usually descends into an argument which he admits ends up with her throwing things then disappearing out of the house for hours leaving him with the children. He said he wouldn't dream of doing this and if he did, she would go ballistic. She has a social life and insists on going out quite a few nights a week yet creates my brother wants to go anywhere.

He also told me that he feels like he is a visitor in the house and like he has no claim over anything. He feels violated by her family who regularly come in and out and breach his personal boundaries. I don't think his name is on the mortgage as she purchased the house. I think this is something he has only recently discovered although may not be sure about this.

She does have counselling, so does he in fact and I believe they are attempting marriage counselling but I don't think it is going well.

I know my brother is hard to live with. He can be a pain when he gets miserable. He is not great with money (he has none) and he is not very responsible and can be forgetful, but he is a great father and adores his kids. He constantly feels insecurity as she holds all the cards. He is terrifed of losing his kids.

What can I do to help? I am rapidly beginning to dislike her and want to call her up and challenge her. I hate, hate her behaviour and when I saw my bro the other day he looked terrible. He is on medication and overeating compulsively, and is in danger of losing his job. I know she is largely at the route of this, yet he often makes excuses for her behaviour.

Any constructive advice or action he can take? I know he is going to call me tonight and talk more about it.

And yes, we have the same mother, but weren't necessarily treated the same way. Sadly, I think my mother was quite harsh on my bro and tried to force him into a paternal role once my parents divorced. He became very domesticated and submissive.

Me, not so much.

Jesus Christ, your poor brother! :(

Sorry op but your posts are quite general and not very specific. I really don't think you have a very clear picture of whats happening behind closed,doors, a lot if it seems ti be assumption.

It is more common for men to be absorbed into their wifes family rather than the,wife into theirs. Most cases if dv are perpetrated by men. DB has a troubled past. They have dcs, they are both working, they are busy. I used to cut dps phone conversations short when his family called at bedtime, it is very disruptive. What you call a joke at his expense sounds more like her self deprecating.

She sounds troubled and in need of support rather than abusive and I'm not saying that because she is a woman. Who are you to say she shouldn't go out?

Again, sorry it's not what you want to hear. I almost want you to people me wrong here!

Prove me wrong not people!

Achillea

You making an awful lot of judgements and assumptions considering you have never met me, my brother or his wife. Do you think you are being helpful here??

What you call a joke at his expense sounds more like her self deprecating.
So, you are a fly on the wall in these situations are you?

I never said she couldn't go out! I think if she has a social life, my brother should be able to have one too. He doesn't because he has to stay in and look after the children while she is out. If he asks to go out, she pitches a fit. I've witnessed it. You haven't.

Your insistence that I am somehow twisting events and implication that my DB is the perpetrator of abuse is massively unhelpful not to mention offensive.

Yes I agree she is troubled and she gets support in the shape of a counsellor, again, I am privy to far more details than you regarding her mental health. What I am asking for is help on how to support my brother regarding her treatment of him.

Another consideration: what is happening to the kids of this woman?

Where a partner is controlled with such ferocity, you bet your life the kids are too. I would put money on them being subjected to withering attacks and constant put-downs.

Perhaps this is the lever to get him to take action. He needs an exit strategy, one that is carefully prepared. Can your family help him financially to the tune of a few hundred pounds? He needs secretly to arrange a deposit on a furnished, rented place that is suitable for children. He needs to set up a bank account, and prepare to transfer his next month's wages into it. Then he needs to make a swift, decisive exit with the kids. THEN, and only then, will a negotiation over the unreasonable and controlling behaviour be able to take place.

If he is not willing to help himself, though, no-one can do it for him.

Thank you struggling.

I think this is the plan. The latest issue is every other day she decides she wants him to leave, then by the evening she has changed her mind. He said it's like if he puts a foot out of line, he'll lose his home and family.

I think as a family we can all pitch in and help with some money. I really don't think he would take the children though. I asked him if she has thought about the impact on her kids but he said that she hasn't seemed to consider how they would feel. She doesn't spend a massive amount of time with them. They are at school and full time childcare during the day untll gone five in the evening, then looked after by DB. Weekends are spent with DB or often with grandparents.

She loves them dearly but finds being a mother hard. She says herself.
I don't know what's going on with her tbh. I think she is poorly and my DB doesn't want to leave her as is frightened of what she might do.

OP, if it wasn't for the fact that you are female, I would assume that I knew your brother and your SIL. One of my friends is in this situation. He has always been a kind and gentle person, and has been taken advantage of by a 'strong' friend prior to marriage as well.

It sounds like your DB is a bit stronger than my friend though, in that he has been seeking counselling and doesn't excuse or try to explain away all his wife's behaviour.

Is your brother ready to call a helpline like the Mens Advice Line? They offer advice to men in domestic abuse situations. I hope they are as good as Women's Aid, but I have no personal experience of them. Sadly, I can't really see my friend ever being in a situation where he will ask for help.

Your insistence that I am somehow twisting events and implication that my DB is the perpetrator of abuse

I am not implying that DB is the perpetrator. You are being defensive. You asked a question in your original post, I am giving you my opinion based on what you have written. Your descriptions of what happens are extremely general and subjective. If you want me to understand you have to be more clear than say 'if he wants to go out she pitches a fit. I've witnessed it, you haven't'. You really don't know the full picture, you don't live with them.

Their relationship is rocky, she needs help, he needs help. There are no victims and perpetrators here as far as I can see and you are not helping their children by setting it up as a battle. Help DB by all means but try and look at the bigger picture.

yes op the children will be being controlled by their mother down to the food they eat if my ex's relationship was anything to go by. she would convince they were sick so she could be in control of what they did and were they went. the only break from it is when they come here. your brother needs help to build his confidence back up so that he can see he is worth more and be able to leave. sorry this is happening in your family my ex's family were basically scared of his wife, how she would react what she would do next.
achillea not sure i understand your instance here you have made your point (badly) it has been refuted so leave it alone unless you want a row with the op who is just looking for advice, not people to have a go at her for her concerns.
you really cut off your partners phone calls because they are disruptive, maybe some of this is ringing a bit true to you and that is why you are so insistent on it not being what it clearly is.

Yes, there has been a continuing saga of one child's 'poor health'. Insistence of illness and obsessing about food/sleep to the point where we were all becoming concerned.

Achillea you may well be right in that they both require help.

As I understand it he went to counselling, though, and she stopped him from continuing with it? There is no doubt that he does need it, though.

Has he talked to his gp about any of this? Concern about the child's 'poor health', or rather, the possible reasons behind it, may be an introduction for him.

If she is as controlling as she sounds (I believe you, it's just a turn of phrase), I don't think he should leave without the children, btw.

OP I should tell you where I'm coming from here. I had 3 DBs with kids, they were all the same - fairly distant, wives called the shots, they went along with it, keep the peace, then when kids are older we are more in touch. It's a busy time in your life. We would see them occasionally but very rarely have long chats on the phone. It would have been odd for me to be in touch with them all the time. There was nothing wrong, they were fine.

I hope you can help DB, but try to focus on what is best for the children. Is there any way you can get to talk to them about how they feel?