How to show my husband I do still love him...without sex

[MrsHelsBels74]

Had a crash c-section 3 weeks ago, still in a bit of pain as well as the usual sleep deprivation that goes with a new born. Husband keeps trying to initiate sex & to be honest it's the last thing I feel like doing.
I don't want him to feel rejected but I'm tired, sore, very hormonal & just can't contemplate sex, what can I do? My mum is also staying with us at the moment so even talking privately is difficult.

if your H is an arse, he isn't going to improve and the sooner you get rid, the better. Sorry love, but that really is the bottom line

Well, OP, you did ask

FFS! Leave the bastard just because he doesnt get how it works after birth?!

Can you say, hand on heart, that you really understood the effects of PG and birth on your body until you had had a baby? Cos I didnt!

He just doesnt get that we dont spring back within a week. So the best thing the OP can do is a) tell him and b) get info on the internet or a book to confirm what she is saying.

If he is a good man, and doing his share of night feeds etc doesnt indicate a totally selfish prick, then he will realise that he has been pressuring her and will apologise and leave her be.

I would tell him to F off!

Bogey face - it isn't about not understanding the effects of birth it is about not respecting your sexual partner's boundaries. You don't need to learn the rules of sex after a baby to be responsive to your partner's needs and to add to what sgb said sometimes this kind of sex steamrolling is a controlling man showing their true colours and trying to mark their territory in their woman's body as a statement that he comes first not the baby. It is a massive red flag whatever situation you are in if sex is not about shared experience but about "his needs".

I haven't said a knee jerk LTB because this attitude of entitlement to sex can be superficially learned and when confronted a redeemable person might be shocked and sorry and also because the op has a little baby and has had an operation.

And all the "he'll be having a hard time adjusting" ok, yes, that's accepted but what the hell has it got to do with sex pestering?!

The only thing I can see is that he wants to make you do something you don't want to do to prove you love him and that isn't love

Flabbergasted. I thought this thread was going to be a sweet one.

This man deserves, well I don't know what he deserves, but certainly not a loving wife who is thinking of how he is feeling three weeks after giving birth difficult circumstances.

Another thread that makes me thank my lucky stars for my DH

Send him a series of increasingly suggestive emails, culminating in a link to a clip of a CS on One Born Every Minute.

YY I thought it was going to be a sweet aaawwww kind of thread too. It isn't.

Be blunt - tell him you cannot face sex at the moment, and him keeping trying it on will make it take far longer, and turns you off physical affection. However knowing that he loves you is important to you, and that being held without any expectation of sex will do far more to make you feel 'romantic' once your body has healed. IMO truth is better than pussy footing around - and I am thinking that you actually are wanting helpful ideas rather than being told to be really harsh on him.

I have to say that my DH asked in a jokey way when it would be alright down there (I had a pretty brutal time) - and he had no desire to rush because he was scared of hurting me, but at same time did want to reconnect - it was the physical reconnection he wanted - not romping sex IYSWIM. However being held and cuddling in bed actually made me feel less hormonal and gave us both the chance to stay connected. and we just ignored the hardons Think prelude to tantric sex, rather than swinging off the chandeliers.

We both liked family cuddles - so all three of us were together - and not one left out. So rather than me sitting on sofa cuddling baby with DH being separate, we would make a point of DH cuddling me and baby. I EBF and he would bring her to me in the night, and hold me because I was finding it really hard at night tears streaming down face , then would settle her, and we would go back to sleep if I hadn't already done so sometimes just holding my hand. Feeling like he was taking care of us, seemed to satisfy his 'urges'.

Bit long - sorry - hope some of it helps.

You can't have sex 3 weeks after a section, Jesus Christ you'll end up back in hospital!

I couldn't turn over without my wound still stinging 3 weeks after, never mind contemplating anything else.

He's not clueless. Nobody is that clueless that they honestly believe that someone would be up for having sex 3 weeks after major surgery, never mind with a newborn to care for after major surgery.

Is he generally as thick as pig shit? I don't believe it for a minute.

It's seems as though 99% of posters are over egging it. (is this how supportive all of MN is?)

OP - I would advocate telling him you feel, I feel inhibited sometimes, but better than this turning into a misunderstanding on his part, and creating resentment/upset.

It's good to not let intimacy disappear just because sex is a no. Plenty of nice, couple things you can do where S isn't the goal. Good luck :)

He might just be clueless, the time after birth to resume sex is different for everybody so if he's heard from someone that that were back in the swing of things after two or three weeks he might think its safe

I was haing sex sooner than that after some of my births (both vaginal and c-section) but there was one where I just couldn't contemplate for weeks, both time scales were fine because they were what I wanted and felt ready for

If he is just clueless then spell it out for him that you are not ready and you don't know yet when you will be, but yiu should only have to say it once.If he 'pesters' for sex then he is a selfish twat, if he keeps bringing the subject up he is a selfish twat, if he tries to make you feel guilty he is a selfish twat, if he accepts what you say and waits till you are ready whilst still being loving and supportive then he is being the kind of husband he should be and you shouldn't accept anything less than that